19. Walker
Walker
“ W hat’s your plan?” Phoenix asks.
My plan?
“I don’t really have one,” I answer, because no way in hell am I going to tell him I just found out I have a son, and that my actual plan was to get a little drunk and call my son’s mom back before getting blackout drunk and jerking off to the memory of last night’s kiss with Phoenix, himself. Fuck, was that just last night?
“So, you just threw your shit in a bag and were going to hitchhike back to Texas? Seems dangerous, even for a bronc rider,” Phoenix says, pulling my attention back to his beautiful face.
“Just knew I couldn’t stay in that damn camper one more fucking day.” The honesty and vehemence in my words shocks me as much as him.
“And your backstabbing dickhole of a coach gets to roll out of here with your truck and your camper to go on the road with your rival? That seems more than a little fucked up. ”
I try to ignore the way my heart is swelling over his continued anger on my behalf.
“The vehicles belong to my dad. He said Jonas could use them as payment for the rest of the season since I don’t need him anymore.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Phoenix scoffs immediately.
“If he was worth anything as a coach, he’d use this down time to review rides, to research the animals, to help you stay in shape and not lose your fucking mind.
Your legs aren’t broken. You can walk, bike, squat.
” I’m not even sure he’s talking to me anymore or if he’s imagining that he’s berating Jonas to his face.
I stay still, trying to hide my smile. After another minute of ranting, he stops abruptly, looking up at me as if just noticing I’m still here.
“Is he just leaving you in North Carolina with no way home?”
I laugh. “You do remember I’m only two years younger than you, right? I know how to buy a plane ticket and get myself home.”
Phoenix looks at war with himself. His emotions flit across his face as if they were being displayed on a movie screen, but there are too many to catch them all.
I lean against the barn and cock my head to look at him, trying to name as many as I can.
“You want a lift to the airport then?” he finally asks.
I can’t help but smirk. “You call me over here just to see if you could get rid of me faster, Harding?”
“For the record, I wasn’t the one that called you over here.” He nods his head toward a black truck where an older gentleman is milling around. “But I think we can both agree you getting the hell out of here is best for everyone.”
Phoenix Harding has always made me stupid. It’s the only reason I can think of for why my voice deepens as I take a small step closer and admit, “I’d have to disagree.”
I hear his harsh exhale and wish to God it had been against my mouth or my skin.
Being this close to each other is taking the fight out of him and it’s giving me wings.
These face-to-face interactions are getting harder to navigate.
As nice as just laying eyes on him has been, it’s impossible to not want to feel him wrapped around me.
Watching his sweat roll down his neck right this second, I want to flatten my tongue against him and lick him clean.
It’s hard digesting his beautiful face while remembering what he felt like inside of me.
How kind he was. How perfect we were together.
He finds his voice while I’m processing and it feels like he’s drowning my memories in a bucket of ice water.
“You’re entitled to that opinion I suppose, but do you want that ride to the airport or not?”
Stop shutting me down. Talk to me , I silently beg. I don’t say the words out loud, though, because his walls are back up, meaning the words would do me no good. Plus, if I want him to let me in, I’d have to let him in first, and I just can’t do that yet.
I nearly choke on the pain I feel at losing him again. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve said goodbye thinking it was the last. And it never gets easier.
The truth is, he blames me for the ride that almost killed him and I’m just as much of a mess now as I was back then.
..maybe more with the news Alexis just dumped on me.
The only thing Phoenix and I have going for us this time is that we aren’t both on the circuit, but that’s hardly a solid foundation, especially considering that he’s been out of the rodeo for eight years and I still don’t think he’s out out.
“I, um, actually have to stick around for a few days. There’s something I need to handle,” I answer.
His jaw clenches as he grits out, “There’s nothing between us, Walker. Don’t hang around on my account.”
I want to tell him he’s wrong…there is something between us and there always will be.
I feel it just as strongly now as I did back then, but his insistence on denying what we’re feeling—what that kiss proved—is really pissing me off.
I didn’t mean to mess with his head. I couldn’t tell him that I was already in love with him after only meeting him once.
I thought I was saving him by walking away.
“Not everything’s about you, Phoenix,” I snap, finally at my wit’s end.
“Still telling lies, I see.” At least this time he cracks a smile when he says it. But honestly, the smile almost makes it worse. It makes it feel like if we had enough time, we could get past this, when in reality, I think he’s just trying to survive the interaction.
Nonetheless, he’s right. Regardless of the other shit I have going on, this is about Phoenix. Everything is about Phoenix for me. Always has been.
“You gonna tell me what’s keeping you here?” Phoenix asks, recovering his voice a minute later.
I want to tell him. I want to tell him everything.
The truth about the night we hooked up. Why I latched on to him the way I did.
What was going on. What’s still going on.
But Phoenix is only just tolerating this interaction.
Me dumping my most personal baggage on him before we’ve had a chance to repair the damage already between us wouldn’t help at all.
“Maybe someday,” I finally reply before changing directions. The sun is going to set soon. I’m exhausted and I want to get drunk and take a shower. “You happen to know of a decent hotel around here that won’t break a cowboy’s budget? Preferably one with a bar in the lobby?”
Suddenly, the rugged guy I saw with Phoenix earlier comes back into the barn and opens his mouth.
“You’re in luck. Phoenix just lost his farmhand.
He’ll give you a place to stay if you help keep an eye on his broncs once he carts them home on Sunday, and keep up with the farm while he’s at work. With your good hand at least. ”
Phoenix pins an icy glare at his friend. “You need to stay out of this, Knox. I’ll figure the farm out. Walker has things of his own to take care of and I’m sure?—”
I interrupt him, grabbing the opportunity that’s being presented by the horns.
“Actually, that would kind of be perfect. Even one handed, I’ll be easier to train than almost anyone else. You just have to show me where everything is.” I try to keep the hope and excitement out of my voice, not wanting to spook him.
The guy, Knox , speaks first. “Good. Now that that’s settled, Phoe, why don’t you take Mr. DeVille home, and I’ll finish this up. You’re a hazard, anyway.” He holds up a hand revealing a bandaged finger.
Phoenix stares at his friend, the ice he had in his eyes for me is replaced with the fire of fury. “Mark my words, Knox. I’m going to find a way for this to bite you in the ass so hard, life as you know it will never be the same.”
“Promises, promises,” the man chides before flicking his wrists and actually shooing us away. I imagine not too many people get away with treating Phoenix like this and I’m intrigued by the man. Cool as a cucumber and confident, but also kind of…sad.
Phoenix chews on his lip, clearly wanting to say more, but he shakes his head and returns his gaze to me.
“I can’t fucking believe this. Fine. You can stay until you get your shit figured out, but not a second longer.
” He swings his attention, putting a finger in Knox’s face. “We’ll talk about this later.”
On the drive to Phoenix’s, neither of us says much. I’m just grateful to not have to say goodbye yet. My goal here isn’t to torture Phoenix. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s tortured himself enough for the both of us.
I spend the ride texting my dad while Chris Stapleton belts the lyrics to Tennessee Whiskey in the background. The sultry tune has me ready to climb out of my seat directly into Phoenix’s lap.
Thankfully, the exchange with my dad isn’t overly dramatic since I’m finding it hard to concentrate.
He supports me and we share a love of bronc riding, but he’s pretty hands off otherwise, busy with his own farm and his own riders.
He already knew about my injury from Jonas, so that was no longer news and he was thrilled when I said it was Phoenix who offered me a place to stay and a job helping him out until I figure out my next move.
Concurrently, I’m texting my mom, as well. Although my parents are still married, my dad is probably down at the training facility and my mom has her own job at the hospital, but she, too, knows I can take care of myself and told me to have fun, call if I need anything, and enjoy the time off.
Oh, I will do my absolute best, Pam DeVille.
I’ve never really thought about coming out to my parents because it doesn’t matter. Since I don’t want it to be an issue on the circuit, I don’t date, and therefore it’s no one’s business but my own. And Phoenix’s. And now Jonas’s…the fucker.
The trip to Phoenix’s house only takes about fifteen minutes, and then we’re turning off some backroad onto a gravel driveway that seems to go on forever. It’s lined on both sides by thick trees until it spits us out at his house.
“Holy shit, how much did you make in the three years you rode?” I ask, taking in my new surroundings.
“Not enough to afford this,” he says with an almost laugh.
I remember Knox mentioning that I could help Phoenix with chores when he goes back to work so I probe for more information. “What do you do now?”
“I’m a firefighter.”
Phoenix’s answer catches me off guard, and my response slips out before I can stop it .
“Oh. Well, fuck. That’s hot.” He cuts his eyes to me in warning, causing me to shrug. “I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll never lie to you again, by omission or otherwise, so I won’t say I’m sorry because I’m not. You being a firefighter is hot.”
He blows out a breath and his head smacks the headrest behind him. “I’m not asking you to lie, but I am asking you to keep your thoughts to yourself.”
“I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any promises,” I smirk from the passenger seat, feeling more playful than I should.
He growls my name in warning. “Walker…”
I chuckle turning to face him in my seat. “If you want me to keep my thoughts to myself, then maybe you shouldn’t say my name like that.”
“For fuck’s sake. Get out of my truck. You smell like ass.
” The laugh that erupts from me pushes some of the weight I’ve been carrying off my shoulders.
It’s a foreign sound even to my own ears.
“When did you become such a brat?” Phoenix continues, coming around the front of his truck. “You used to be so quiet and reserved.”
This time I double over in laughter.
“ Reserved ? You call letting you fuck my ass on the dusty floor of a tack room the night we met reserved ? I’ve never been reserved, Phoenix.
Confused? Depressed? Scared? Hell yes. But reserved?
” I shake my head and grab my bag. “Not a day in my life.” Granted, I haven’t felt like myself in quite a long time, but being with him now, even as strained as it is, is the first time I’ve felt the whisper of the guy I used to be.
Of the kid I was, always cracking jokes and laughing, happy just to be doing what I loved and surrounded by people who loved it too.
Phoenix stays quiet as he leads me up the stairs of the wraparound porch in front of the beautiful farmhouse.
White pillars support the tin roof of the porch which matches the roof higher up on the older home.
It has two chimneys, one on either end. A weeping willow and two towering oak trees stand proudly in the front yard.
Beside the house is a free-standing outbuilding and a pond big enough for a rowboat or a fishing canoe.
From the porch steps, I can’t see the pastures, the riding ring, or the barn, but I can faintly smell them. It smells like home.
The sun is finally dipping below the tree line, even though it won’t be fully set for a couple hours still.
A light is on inside, giving the house a warm glow.
Knowing I can lay down soon makes my fatigue, as well as the soreness in my body, more noticeable.
Crickets and cicadas have resumed their songs after growing silent when we slammed the truck doors and interrupted them with our loud chatter.
“This place is incredible,” I say in awe of my home for the next short while, all traces of joking gone.
Phoenix’s voice holds a note of pride. “Thanks. I know it’s a lot for just me, but my friends come here often.”
“There’s no need to justify it, Phoenix. It’s beautiful.”
Color creeps up his neck, drawing my attention as he speaks. “ I made an offer before I even went inside. I knew it was home the first time I laid eyes on it.”
Funny, that’s exactly how I felt the first time I laid eyes on you. The thought is immediate, but due to his earlier request, I keep it to myself.