Chapter 5 #2
“Why am I letting this happen?” My tone drops and I can hear the dark, menacing tone shifting in.
Poking his chest, I push him backward. “You think I want this to happen? You think I want to leave? You think I want to leave when I finally started to make friends somewhere, when I was finally learning something that made me feel powerful, when I finally had a home I didn’t feel like I had to watch over my shoulder every goddamn minute?
This isn’t fun for me. Not at all, but I’ve gone through it enough times to know that if they’re sending me back, there’s nothing I can do to change it.
I wasn’t what they wanted, okay? I know that, and I’d rather not bask in it.
” My chest aches with every breath. It’s a familiar hurt now, having been moved around at least seven times. It’s… It changes you.
“But…” Ty starts to say but there’s a loaded, heavy pause between us as he swallows whatever sentence he was going to say and shakes his head quickly, biting the inside of his cheek. “So Friday.”
“Maybe. I just…I never know when they might come. It’s not unusual for them to come the next day after the foster guardians have called and started the process. There’s that saving kindness at least.”
It’s one of the few kindnesses actually. They don’t make me hang out with the people who have actively cut me from their lives.
“So it could be tomorrow?” he asks, his eyebrows pulling together and his mouth dropping slightly in shock. Is there sadness too?
Nah, that’s probably just me being hopeful.
It’d be nice to be missed, maybe.
“Probably.”
“Maldita sea. Esto es... ?Qué se supone que debo hacer?” he mutters under his breath quickly in Spanish and I wish so badly I knew what he was saying.
“What? What did you say?” I whisper into the darkness, hoping that he’ll give me this one thing. Moving closer, I bite my lip and wait.
“I said, ‘Damn it. This is… What am I supposed to do?’” he says breathlessly and his arms drop to his sides.
I say the words to him, knowing that it means more to me–this friendship or maybe could’ve been something more if we’d had time–than him.
“You keep going. You don’t need me, no one does. It’s…just life.” I shrug again, well aware that I’m trying so fucking hard not to make it seem like a big deal, when inside it feels monumental.
“Fuck,” Ty sighs.
“Yeah,” I agree, nodding my head. It fucking sucks.
“Come here.” His arms wrap around me and he pulls me in close. Is this really happening? My heart’s beating like crazy.
Then, like icing on a cake and making me swoon, he rests his head on top of mine and holds me tighter, his muscles flexing under my hands.
It’s nice, being in his arms. Okay, I’m trying to be cool, but really I’m freaking out because, oh my god.
It’s like the rest of the world falls away. He smells fucking incredible. And oddly comforting; like dirt and sweat, but not in a bad way. In a guy way that makes you want to wrap up in his sweatshirt to be wrapped in him.
My hands link around his waist to keep him in the hug for just a little longer.
We stand there in silence, just embracing in the darkness and it feels so good.
And so heartbreaking.
It’s going to fucking kill me to leave now.
This is why you don’t make friends. This is why you don’t crush.
This is why, Roxanne. This right here. The pain in your chest, the way your fingers tighten around him like you’re scared no one else will make you feel so seen…
All this hurt is worse than what you’ve gone through before –because it’s the possibility of someone else wanting you like you want them.
My chest tightens and I feel tears start to prick at my eyes, so I do what I always do.
Move.
I pull away roughly, but the need to hold him still lingers in my fingertips. I can’t want that anymore, not when I know I can’t have him–in any way. Long distance friendships are hard, especially when we’re as busy as we are simply just trying to survive.
“We still have tonight…tomorrow,” Ty says. “Maybe something will happen, maybe they’ll change their mind.” He has such na?ve hope and I don’t want to break his heart. Nothing is going to happen. No one is going to save me. This is just how it is.
“Why are you out walking with Asher so late?” I ask, turning the attention away from me.
“We were at…a job,” he says quickly, but the way he says it is suspicious.
“What job has teenagers out until eleven at night, on a Wednesday? In this town?” I cross my arms and shake my head. I’m not a fool.
“A job that pays well. That’s all.”
Because that doesn’t sound weird as hell.
“Where do you work?” I ask, trying to trip him up but also trying to learn more so I can maybe get a good paying job and finally be free.
“Um, well I have a few jobs. Asher does, too.”
“Ty.” I tilt my head, my hand going to his cheek where the bruise is forming.
“It’s okay. I promise,” he says softly, his hand coming to my forearm. “I’m doing what I have to.”
“But—” I start to say and he shakes his head to silence me.
“I promise, I’ve got it.” His grip tightens slightly and he breathes in. “I…I don’t want this to end.”
My heart breaks.
Because I know what he’s saying. I feel it deep in my chest, the weight of what we will lose.
“I don’t either,” I whisper, my voice breaking slightly with the words. I don’t want to cry, I usually don't. But this feels different.
Maybe it’s because it’s so new that we don’t know exactly what this is, but we both know exactly what it could be.
Ty steps closer, putting his forehead on mine and our eyes close, just holding space for each other in the darkness.
“Will you call me?” he whispers sadly.
“Will it help or hurt?”
His other hand comes up and cups the back of my neck and I shiver.
“I don’t know.” At least he’s honest.
“What if they take me hours from here?” From you, is unspoken.
“We’ll figure it out, right?”
“Neither of us can visit the other. We can call, text, email, all that, but…” I let the word ring out like a shot between us.
“But?” Ty presses.
“But you’ll get bored of that eventually.
I can’t.” I shake my head and step back.
I know myself well enough to know that if he begs for contact now and then ghosts me…
I’ll act all tough and like it doesn’t bother me, but I’ll die a little inside.
I can’t let him prove to me that he’s just like every other guy.
Not when I want him to prove to me so badly that he’s not.
That he’s different enough to justify this pull we have.
“I won’t, Roxie.” He pulls me in again, his rough warm hand holding my neck and keeping me close. His dark eyes are locked onto mine and his breathing catches.
“You can’t promise me that.” Please hear me, I have to protect myself, I don’t say the words out loud, but I wish he heard them.
Ty pulls back quickly, cupping my cheek and tilting my head up so I’m forced to look into his eyes.
“I can, carino, I can promise that to you.” He says the words so desperately, so ready to promise me what he can from his world that a tear falls from my eye.
“You can’t,” I whisper, the words breaking me.
“Goddamnit, Roxie, believe me!” he snaps, rushing forward and giving me my first kiss. It’s hot and needy, awkward and perfect, all at the same time. My arms wrap around his waist as he holds the back of my head against his like he doesn’t want to let me move for a moment.
I give into the kiss, self-conscious at first because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but when I let him lead me… It’s amazing.
Ty must feel the way I give in, because his hand moves to thread his fingers through my tangled hair. He opens his mouth slightly, pressing his lips against mine harder as he tilts his head to the side more. Oh god, what do I do?
Ty brings my body flush against his, holding me close while taking my first kiss like a gift.
Giving me something to remember him by.
“Do you believe me now?” he asks roughly as he pulls back. My mind is dizzy, hazy and fuzzy with emotion and realization and all those other annoying little things that I don’t have time for right now, because I want to do that again.
“I believe that you think that now,” I whisper, slipping my arms up to his neck as his drop to my waist. “That was my first kiss.”
“Mine too,” he confesses.
“I’m glad it was you.”
“I’m glad it was you,” he says softly, leaning down to kiss me again.
This kiss is deeper, we know what we’re doing now. He pushes forward, walking me back towards the boulder before pinning me against it. It’s going to go no further than this, I’m not ready for that next step, not in any way, but being wanted like this is addicting.
“Stay here, with me,” he whispers against my lips, and I’m not sure if he means in Haven or in this moment, but I say yes anyway. The smile on his face lights up the dark. The moonlight has nothing on him in this moment.
Ty sits down, holding his arm out for me to join him.
“We have tonight, I’m not going to waste it.”
“I’m…not ready,” I say shyly, but I’m not going to be pressured into doing something I don’t want to do. Even if something in the back of my mind is whispering I might want to.
“I wasn’t meaning that,” Ty says quickly, very quickly. “I swear, not that. I just meant to hang out with me. Rest with me. Let us use these hours before we don’t have them anymore.”
I reach around him to move my backpack to the side as I sit down next to him, cuddling under the arm he’s holding out for me.
“Why do you have your stuff?” he asks, noticing the heavy bag at my feet. Moving forward, I open it up to show him what’s inside.
“It’s my treasures. Stuff I’d be devastated if it got thrown out. Bare minimum of what I’d need to be clothed for a few days.”
“Smart.” He nods.
“Learned experience. It makes me feel safer,” I say before I can stop myself.
For a beat, the air shifts—an awkward tension filling the air—until Ty pulls me back into his arms like it’s the most natural thing in the world and I yawn, involuntarily.
Today… Today was a lot.
“You can rest now,” he murmurs against my hair. “I’ll watch over you. You don’t have to worry or stay on guard. Let me take over, for a little while.”
I’m silent for a moment, breathing in the safety and the stillness around us. The scent of dirt, leaves, and something perfectly Ty, lulling me to sleep. But before I can fall too deeply, I ask him, “What did you call me?”
Ty’s soft chuckle fills the air between us.
“Carino means a few different things in Spanish. Honey, sweetheart, darling. It’s a term of endearment, but also…
” He lets the sentence fade and I almost worry he’s not going to tell me.
Just as I take a breath to ask him, he whispers, “it can signify great adoration, deep feelings, fondness.” And I can hear the meaning behind his words.
Great care and maybe even love?
“Thank you,” I whisper back. “That might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever given me.”
“Anything for you, carino. Now, rest, I’m right here. You’re safe, I swear it,” he murmurs in my ear so softly, the rumbling of his voice lulling me to a peaceful sleep, it doesn’t even matter where we are. His arms around me, his heartbeat in my ear, it’s heaven.
I realize then that I believe him, and my head falls against his shoulder as I drift off to sleep with his soft voice whispering things in a tongue I can’t understand, but cause me to give into the oblivion.