Chapter 35
A WEEK LATER
I graciously took the extra week off from tattooing that Asher offered to try and get my head on straight. The whole time I was working with Marcos, I was so focused on trying to do what he asked and keep Roxie safe that I didn’t have time to think about everything.
I almost think maybe I should’ve jumped right into working because let me tell you, my mind is fucked. If I thought I was a psychopath before, now I’m…scary.
I go to sleep each night feeling the wet drops of blood spray across my face, and in my nightmares each night I’m knocking Roxie out again and again.
Only in sleep, I hit her as hard as I can.
Over and over and over again. I can’t stop, even when she’s screaming.
Even when she stops. In my nightmares, I just keep hurting her.
Then I hear Mickey.
The work I did for Marcos… It didn't help. He used my muscle and brawn as intimidation. I was the one he sent in when he needed to scare them. I broke some knee caps, broke some noses, dislocated some fingers one by one, choked some people until they couldn’t see straight.
Those are the...calmest things I’d like to forget.
After the first week, he promoted me to killing and disposing of the bodies.
I won’t be able to forgive myself. Ever.
After spending the week buried under blankets and drinking my weight in liquor to try and ctrl-alt-delete the memories of the past two months.
Everything needed to go.
Everything but the memories of her.
I’ll keep the one of her crumpled on the ground even though it makes me wince every time I think of it. I’ll keep it, if it means that I get to keep all the others too.
Roxie laying in my arms with the early morning sun brushing her cheek.
Roxie turning to look at me, her hair flying out around her gently as she smiles brightly.
Roxie running out of the shop and pulling my bike helmet off for a kiss.
Roxie staring at my lips as I have her pinned against the wall in the breakroom.
Roxie telling me she loves me.
I can’t lose those. Not when they’re the only thing I have left.
“Today’s the day!” Asher smiles brightly, walking into my room at our place and flicking the lights on obnoxiously. I was already awake, the fucker is nervous I’m falling into depression.
Fuck, maybe I am. I don’t really care though.
I just want to sleep, drink, and look at the pictures Roxie’s been posting to her socials.
Not that there was much a week or two after the incident, but since then she’s been posting consistently.
Both to her own personal account as well as her artist account.
Asher’s been letting her apprentice under him since I’ve been gone.
He’s told me that she’s nearly at the end and doing really well.
I’ve looked over all the pictures she’s posted a millions times and Asher’s taken some of his favorites to frame for her when she finishes her apprenticeship, and I’m really trying to hold back asking for copies to have just for myself.
My favorite one she’s done was a new sketch of Athena.
The stance, the shading, the way the goddess has a hard edge in her eyes and an energy that screams ‘you haven’t stopped me yet’. It’s breathtaking.
The first time I saw it on her Instagram, with the caption, ‘As soon as I can’, I knew that she wasn’t hurt anymore. She was angry.
And anger… Anger is good sometimes. It helps the parts underneath that are hard to reach and heal.
I want her to heal. I want her to live the life she wants to know that Mickey and all that bullshit isn’t looming over her anymore. If she wants nothing to do with me now, I’m not going to hold that against her, and I’m definitely not going to make her feel like she owes me anything.
We take care of each other, her and I.
Even if it hurts.
“I don’t want to,” I grumble under my breath, throwing the blanket over my head.
“Don’t be a pussy, come on.” Asher’s not letting this go. He’s been adamant that today would be the day I go back for weeks. Counting it down like the days to Christmas or some shit.
“You know… A pussy is actually quite strong. They can take a beating and be just fine. But a dick? No, one wrong movement and a guy is dropped to the ground because of how sensitive a dick is. Yet we always use pussy as some weak thing when it’s absolutely the opposite,” I say strongly, oddly passionate about this.
There’s a beat of silence and then Asher’s dry laugh.
“You sound more and more like R–” My heart fractures a little as he catches himself and his laughter stops. “Sorry,” he says quietly. “You are going to be seeing her soon. Are you sure you can handle it?”
Am I sure I can handle it?
Fuck no.
But I’m going to.
I move the blanket off my head and sigh heavily before sitting up to look at him better.
“No. I don’t think I can. But I’m going to.”
Asher tilts his head to the side and crosses his arms over his chest like he’s trying to figure me out. “Then what are we going to do?”
What are we going to do? My brain latches on to those six words and I’m hit with a wave of gratitude and brotherly love like never before.
Asher didn’t ask to fix the problem, he didn’t try to change things so it would be easier on me, but he made it clear that I’m not alone in this. He’s with me every step of the way.
I clear my throat to try to get the emotion to not make my voice crack, but it doesn’t work. I’ve thought about this. Painfully in-depth. What I’m going to be okay with, what I can stand. What I’m willing to do in order to just be close to her.
“There’s nothing to do. I’m going to do this because I love her.
I’m so fucking in love with her that I want her to have everything and anything she wants in this life.
She deserves it. But I’m selfish enough that I…
I can’t just leave. I need to be a part of her life in whatever capacity she’ll allow.
I’ve thought about this Ashe. If she only wants me to be work acquaintances, then at least I’ll get to see her at the shop.
We can make awkward small talk and laugh about dumb shit in the breakroom when it’s slow.
In time, if she lets me be her actual friend, I’ll take it because we were friends before everything imploded.
I can be just her friend again. And if we ever get back to where we were…
I’ll never let it slip through my fingers ever again. ”
“That sounds…incredibly painful.” Asher’s face crunches in on itself as if he’s physically being hurt, and I nod.
“It will be.” I don’t sugarcoat it. I know I’m in for a lot of pain, but if she smiles at me…just once…it’ll be worth it. “But at least I’ll be near her.”
Asher just shakes his head, his eyes widening as he drops his hands.
“Ty,” he says softly and I can hear the empathy, the compassion. He so badly wants to help me. To protect me from some of the pain he knows I’m willingly walking into because I love this girl so fucking much. “Just tell her.”
I shake my head. “I can tell her, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still said it.
I called her nothing, Asher. Nothing. I specifically chose the one word that would break her down so she’d fight me.
Not only that, but I gave her a concussion.
I went right for the knockout blow because I…
I couldn’t…” I take a deep breath and pull at my hair.
“It’s okay, Ty, she’d understand,” Asher says softly.
“Would she?” I snap, my eyes darting up to his. “I don’t know about that.”
Asher stops and nods his head softly as if he thought about it again. “Yeah, maybe. You’d have to explain it and take the verbal lashing she’s going to give you. You’re going to have to take it no matter what. I know why you did what you did, Ty, but… She’s no longer sad. She’s pissed.”
“Good.” I nod, standing up out of bed and pulling on the first clean shirt I can find and a black baseball cap to cover my unruly hair. “I can handle a pissed off Roxie, but I think if she was heartbroken, I might fracture more.”
“You know I’m going to call you on this self-sacrificing bullshit you’re pulling right?” Asher rolls his eyes, turning and pushing the door open instead of shutting it as he leaves. “We’re leaving in twenty! Get your ass in gear!” he yells over his shoulder, disappearing into the dark hallway.
“Annoying fucker,” I mumble, but do what he says and get myself together.
A shower and food is in order before I do anything else. I have a feeling that how I handle today will determine Roxie’s and my future. And that… That’s not something I’m willing to mess up in the slightest.