Chapter 43
I’m pretty sure this is what dying feels like.
This is what I deserve. After all those years of holding back and not telling her, but selfishly being there, watching and waiting over her. I should’ve told her sooner. Let her free like she asked.
But I’m a selfish asshole and I needed her.
I need her.
“She just left,” I say into the phone, completely monotone and dead.
“What?” Asher asks quickly, and suddenly starts talking quickly on his end of the phone. I can hear Jade asking him what’s wrong, and Asher explaining all while Tyler is babbling, but I can’t feel anything.
Nothing but agony and despair.
She’s gone. She’s gone.
“Ty, Ty, brother, I need you to come to our place. Jade and I’ve changed plans, but I still need you here. Can you do that?” His voice sounds so far away, so quiet.
“She’s gone,” I whisper.
“Ty!” Asher screams in my ear and my world shifts back into focus. “Get your ass to my house, now!” There’s a command in his voice that he doesn’t ever use on me, and I can’t help but nod. “I mean it. Get here. You’ve got twenty minutes or I’m breaking the door down.”
And I know he means it too.
“Okay,” I say softly, letting the phone drop from my hand.
Asher and Jade don’t live far from me. I had made it a point not to move too far from home base when I was making enough to branch out on my own a few years ago. A good thing too because I moved out right before Asher met Jade.
And while Roxie and I have been intertwined since we were teenagers, Asher and Jade were fast and furious. They’re perfect for each other, and she’s definitely his missing piece. He’s no longer completely consumed by work and fighting for a better life, but more…balanced.
Jade’s become Roxie’s best friend, and looks out for her just the way I’d hope a friend would look out for my Roxie.
I know Jade’s curious about the two of us, I’ve caught her staring at Roxie and me when we’re having a good day or maybe the flirting crosses a line.
She so badly wants to know, wants to talk to me about our relationship, but she won’t.
Jade’s good like that, letting me come to her when I need to talk.
I know in my heart of hearts that Roxie’s already told her every last thing about our complicated history. And Roxie… Roxie needs someone the way I need Asher.
The drive is a quick one, and the day is clear so it makes the ride on my bike enjoyable.
Okay, enjoyable is a strong word with how I’m feeling right now.
Fine. It makes the drive fine.
The roar of the engine under my thighs is comforting and I forgo my helmet because… What’s the point anymore?
Pulling up to their apartment, I flip the kickstand down and kill the engine. Fuck. How am I supposed to go play with Tyler and make sure he knows nothing’s wrong? Running my fingers through my hair, I take a deep breath.
For Tyler.
Forcing myself to stand, I see the little man in question through the window and I can’t help but smile at his big gummy grin as he smacks the glass at me.
“He’s here, Tyler, Uncle Ty is here. Calm down, please, my god.” Asher’s baritone voice is clear out here and I chuckle.
This is my family. It’s always been, and I… I need to lean on them a little now.
“Thank fuck you’re here. We told him you were coming and it was the only way he’d let Jade go. But you took your sweet time.” Asher opens the door quickly, kicking his leg out a little bit so the baby toddler doesn’t run out the front door.
“I got here in under 15 minutes, Asher,” I say calmly, pushing through the door and picking up my godson.
Fuck, I love this kid so much. He’s got big blue eyes like his Dad, but this gorgeous blonde hair like Jade.
He’s so sweet and loving, and to be honest, I didn’t know if I was going to be good with babies.
But Jade and Asher handed me this tiny little human and said, “This is your godson, we named him after you,” and I felt tears silently fall down my face. Since then, he’s been my boy.
“Tyler!” I say happily, turning in a circle with a big, forced smile on my face. “How are you, my little dude?”
He prattles off a lot of toddler jargon, and I catch only a few words–enough to know that he’s trying to tattle on Asher– but I nod along.
“Oh man, did he really do that to you?” I ask, shaking my head dramatically. “I’ll talk to him okay?”
“Otay,” Tyler says, leaning in to hug me before scampering down to go run and play in his room.
“You know, it’s not fair that he loves you so much and I’m the one he yells at.” Asher shuts the door before heading to their little kitchenette and grabbing us some beers.
“He’s my boy. You know that. Don’t be jealous of our bond,” I chuckle, taking the beer from him and finally–finally–letting all the forced joking and smiles drop from my face. “I’ve got this, man, you can go meet with Jade.”
Asher shakes his head quickly. “Yeah, that’s not happening. After you told us, Jade and I changed plans. She’s going out tonight, and I’m staying home. Boys night.”
“Fuck man, I’m sorry.”
“There’s absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Tell me what happened.”
I sigh, clenching my jaw and trying so hard to not break.
But he’s my brother, and I need help.
The beer finds a place on the countertop and I scrub my face harshly, leaning forward so my forehead rests on my forearms.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Asher says quickly, walking over to the side of the island I’m sitting on and putting his hand on my shoulder. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t, I don’t…” I don’t know what to say.
“You love her, Ty. You always have.”
“I know.” I nod, my forehead rubbing against my shirt sleeves.
“I caught a little bit of what happened from when Roxie called Jade in a panic, but do you want to tell me?” Asher asks gently, and I want to hug the guy for giving me space to explain my side. But honestly, he knows everything.
“I finally told her what I did. Why I did it. What I had to do to keep us all safe.”
Asher nods, pursing his lips as he walks back to the other side of the kitchen, leaning his hip against the counter.
“Ah.”
“Yeah. I’ve well and truly fucked it all up now.”
“Why do you say that?” Asher asks, his eyebrows pinching together as he asks and takes a sip of his beer.
“She’s scared of me now. She literally left as we were on the phone. Just…up and left.”
“I think you both are not seeing things clearly,” Asher says, rubbing his forehead as his eyebrows pinch together.
“You’re looking at this whole thing as something you’ve done–gladly–for her.
You’re trying to be a fucking martyr and protect her from this hypothetical Hulk-like Ty.
A version of you that I’ve never seen, by the way. ”
“But how can I–”
“Goddamn it, Ty.” Asher sets the can down a little harsher than necessary.
“Why can’t you trust yourself the way we trust you?
” He’s so frustrated, so annoyed. This isn’t just a moment either, the way his jaw is set to the side and his eyes harden, this is a deep seated annoyance. He’s felt this way for a while.
Why hasn’t he said anything?
“What if I hurt her?”
Asher sighs gently, his attitude changing when he sees the absolute fear on my face.
“Ty, my brother,” he says gently with a shrug. “You’re hurting her now. Not physically. Not mentally. But emotionally. She’s waiting for you.”
“The hell she is. She has a new suitor every other day. Don’t you remember the guys that she makes out with right in front of me at the shop?
You think that was, that is, easy for me?
It’s…” Torture. It’s worse than being forced to watch the light fade from someone’s eyes.
It’s been like my entire reason for existence, turning its back on me. Actively rejecting me.
“I know.” Asher nods, looking off into the distance as if he’s remembering some of the more showy times Roxie’s paraded a fuck toy past me. “I can only imagine. But, you can’t blame her.”
“Of course I don’t fucking blame her, hermano.
” I chug the rest of my beer and crush the can.
“This whole thing is my fault and I’d accepted that this was my fate.
But now that I told her?” I run a hand through my hair again, wanting to pull out the ends.
My voice drops. “I thought that…when I told her, if I could tell her, that we would be together. I always wanted us to be together. I’ve always wanted her.
Us, together. But even if she wasn’t mine, I have always been and always will be hers. ”
“Well,” Asher smiles slowly, crossing his arms over his chest. “What are you going to do about it? You want her? Then go fucking get her, man. She loves you. She’s crying in my wife’s arms because she feels like you could never not resent her for all you’ve done.”
My eyebrows shoot up and my stomach drops. “What?”
Asher smirks, and nods slowly. “Mmhmm.”
“No, no… I’d never…” I look down, trying to think through how she’d ever think I’d resent her.
“Do you resent her for what she did with Mickey to keep us safe?”
“Fuck, no.”
“Then I think you need to go talk to her, explain your side and explain, painfully clearly, that you don’t and won’t ever resent her.
Then get your girl back and stop this will-they-won’t they drama.
You two have been meant for each other since we were in high school, Ty.
You wear that leather on your wrist like a wedding ring and we all know it. Make her know it too.”