CHAPTER 21
Jay was still in surgery when we arrived at the hospital. The air was riddled with tense energy as we all just sat there, waiting.
All I wanted was for him to be okay and to come back and tell me he loved me. What if it never happened again?
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe.
I felt dead on the inside as I buried myself further into the jacket that Mikey draped over me. Sitting in the corner, I couldn’t even meet anyone’s eye because the guilt was eating me alive.
This was all because of me. It was my fault he was lying on a table fighting for his life.
He was there because he tried to save me.
I couldn’t even wrap my mind around all the fucked-up revelations that came to light today. The hurt in my head intensified just thinking about it. But that wasn’t important now—he was.
I’d never imagined a world with no Jay. I didn’t think I would last a minute; an unimaginable fear crippled me at that thought alone.
Minutes stretched into hours, and I stayed rooted to my chair, not lifting my eyes from the fake lines on the floor tile.
I shifted when I felt a presence beside me. Looking up, I saw Mikey watching me with somber green eyes. He’d been keeping Lily company. Lines blurred when she arrived at the waiting room, sobbing her eyes out, and he was the first person she ran to. He held her like she was the most precious thing in this world while he soothed her, whispering something only for her to hear. She didn’t stop wailing till exhaustion won over and knocked her out cold. Now she slept on the uncomfortable hospital chair—red-nosed and with caked lashes.
“You okay?” he asked, his tone laced with gentleness.
My attention returned to him as I shook my head.
He sighed—he looked more tired and weary than the rest of us. I knew he was trying to be the strong pillar of support, masking a brave face, but his devastation was apparent. I could see in his eyes that their usual brightness dimmed to a troubled glint. Jay meant a lot to him, so losing him would be like losing a brother.
“I’m sorry.” I cracked through the dryness in my throat. I hadn’t spoken to anyone since dropping myself into this stiff plastic chair.
The skin in the corner of his eyes creased. “Why are you sorry?”
The emotional lodge stuck in my throat made it hard for me to speak. “Because it’s all my fault,” I whispered.
Mikey’s gaze softened, and he offered me a small smile, gathering me in his arms. “No, E, it’s not. Emmie chose to go out there on his own and save you, and he would’ve done it another million times if it meant you were alive and safe. ”
“But it’s all because of me. He wouldn’t even have ended up there if it wasn’t for me.”
His thumb brushed over my cheek. “He would never think that way. Emmie loves you more than anything in this world, E. Stay strong a little longer for him. He’ll be back in no time. I know it.”
His words did nothing to convince me. My veins felt like they were being filled with an icy numbness, and a huge hole gaped in the center of my chest.
I could feel nothing at all.
Minutes turned into hours, and I held my breath every time a nurse passed by, but there was still no news on him. The longer they took, the more the worry gnawed at me.
“E, drink this,” Katy’s delicate voice reached me as she held out a paper cup filled with water.
I shook my head, but she insisted.
My weary fingers closed around the cup and took slow sips. The cold water washed away my parched dry throat, but it didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it made it a lot worse thinking of the pain he felt at that moment.
“Good,” she mumbled, gently lifting the cup away from me. Katy looked as tormented as the rest of us. She had since traded her dress for a pair of sweatpants and a soft hoodie. She had been running around, making sure everything was fine; it was her way of coping with this. Even though Matty urged her to sit down and take a break, she was on high wire energy. Only one person could calm her down, and that person wasn’t here yet.
My eyes darted to her when she laid a tender hand on my thigh and handed me a small shopping bag. “I brought you a change of clothes,” she said softly. “Why don’t you go change into something more comfortable?”
“It’s okay,” I blurted, averting my gaze. “I’m fine. I’m not going anywhere.”
“E,” she started, her voice barely above a whisper. “You have blood all over your dress. You don’t want to stay in it for long.”
My heart stopped.
Swallowing, I gazed at the crimson pool in the center of my dress. Through the gap in Mikey’s jacket, I could see it—the red stark against the pale pink material. It was so dark, almost black in the middle, and faded away following two bloody handprints down the side where I remembered wiping my hands.
Dried blood caked my fingernails—his blood was all over me. I was so lost in my head that I didn’t even notice it till now.
The sight of it made nausea churn in my gut. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’ll take that,” I replied, grasping the bag from her hands.
“Okay, come with me.” Just as she was about to stand, the doors to the waiting room burst open.
Lan walked in, his hair wild, sporting a leather biker’s jacket and an anxious face. His eyes immediately went to Katy, whose carefully crafted expression crumpled upon his presence. Within seconds, she rushed to his side.
“Lan,” she sobbed, holding him tight.
He ran a smooth hand over her back as he spoke to her in hushed tones. His eyes briefly met mine over her shoulders, and he gave me a forlorn smile as he mouthed, “He’ll be fine. ”
I didn’t know how long I sat there watching them, but something in me twisted. Was I ever going to hold Jay like that again?
I was startled when a strong hand gripped my shoulder.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Matty’s lips curved into a faint smile as he lifted his hand. “Come on, I’ll take you.”
I frowned before understanding flooded when he gestured to the bag in my hand.
I willed my frozen knees to move, and the farther I walked away, the more the pit in my stomach grew.
“Mikey will call if there’s any news,” Matty added when he noticed I kept glancing over my shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you the moment we know something,” he reassured, handing me back the bag he insisted on carrying. “I’ll wait out here.”
I nodded, slipping inside a door that said Private Bathroom. I locked the door behind me and sank to the floor, clutching the bag to my chest.
All of them being nice to me only amplified the guilt choking me. I just sat there on the cold, hard floor, praying he would be fine. He had to be. There was no other outcome I could possibly accept.
My feet were numb by the time I slowly rose to a stand and set the shopping bag on the counter. The girl staring back at me in the mirror was a shell version of the woman I had witnessed a few hours ago. My skin flushed with a tinge of gray, almost as if all the life had been sucked out of me. My eyes were dull and vacant. Dried blood caked along my busted lip, swollen and red like the marks circling my neck .
A shiver ran through me as I carefully peeled Mikey’s jacket off me and set it aside.
I could see it all under the bright bathroom lights—every ounce of his lost blood marred on my dress. My heart lurched, thinking of how much pain he must have been in. Yet he still came rushing to me, asking if I was hurt.
My trembling fingers slowly unzipped the dress and dumped it in the trash. The blood had seeped through the dress, staining my skin in shades of red.
I jumped in the shower and washed away all the grime and dirt off me. The pink-tainted water swirling through the drain intensified the numbness.
Minutes later, I was dressed in soft track pants and a loose T-shirt. When I trudged the door open, my eyes went straight to Matty’s leaning against the wall, and his gaze softened when they met mine.
“Any word?” I asked in a stiff monotone voice that felt so foreign.
He shook his head, gesturing ahead. “Come on.”
Matty kept a protective hand on the small of my back as we made our way back to the waiting room. Even though I washed it all away, I could still feel his blood inked on my skin.
Everyone was still in the same spot, Lily sleeping with Mikey’s watchful eyes on her and Katy holding Lan, only this time they occupied the small sofa in the back.
I returned to my previous seat in the corner, wanting to be far away from all of them.
Upon my arrival, Mikey gave me a small smile. He ventured out and returned a few minutes later with a nurse carrying a tray .
“Let’s get that cleaned up for you,” he said in a gentle tone, pointing at my lips.
And when I started to protest, he gave me a look. “No word, E. I don’t want you catching an infection.”
I nodded.
He took the seat beside me while the nurse offered a kind smile and situated herself on the coffee table opposite me.
“This is going to sting,” she said, dabbing the cotton swab dipped with alcohol all over my broken lip. I could barely feel it at all.
In a breeze, she was done after dabbing some ointment on the wound, asking me to keep applying it three times a day.
Soon, a nurse arrived to inform us that the surgery was still in progress, and she didn’t have any further update at the moment.
Sighing, we all went back to staring at nothingness.
An hour later, the doors burst open once again, bringing in a distraught Emily and Richard, and my stomach twisted in knots.
Mikey and Matty hurried to their side.
Emily was openly sobbing. “Is he okay? Please tell me my son is okay,” she wailed, gripping Mikey’s shoulders.
“Emily, he’s going to be fine.” Mikey rubbed small circles down her back. “The doctors are working on him, but you know how strong he is. He’ll pull through. Why don’t you and Richard take a seat? We’ll know soon, okay?”
“Come on, darling. He’s right. Our boy will make it through.” Richard comforted her, pulling her to the empty seats opposite me. Both of them looked up right at me as they eased down. Richard nodded while Emily wiped her eyes and gave me a wistful smile.
And all I could do was blink as my heart tightened.
All the commotion woke Lily up. She jumped, confused for a second when her eyes landed on her parents, and then her expression faltered as she hastened to her mother’s arms. The sounds of their crying filled the room, intensifying the never-ending pit of guilt swirling in me.
Suddenly, the four plain walls felt constricting, almost as if they were closing in on me. I leaped to my feet and bolted out of there; I had to get out.
I treaded through the dimly lit hallways that barely had anyone in sight. I had no idea where I was going. All I knew was that I couldn’t stay in that room anymore. The soft fall of my footsteps echoed through the walls as I edged to the end of the hallway.
A cold breeze swept through the nervousness coating my skin, and I gasped as I leaned against an open window by the stairway.
My eyes rounded when they landed on the crowd lining up outside the hospital, holding signs and chanting something I couldn’t hear. I knew they were all here for him.
“Thought I’d lost you,” Mikey said as he came to a stop beside me, his eyes trained on the people. “Word got out. We’ve said it’s an accident—it’s better to keep it that way.”
I nodded, dragging the cold midnight air into my lungs. And we just stood there, no words spoken as I kept my mind still.
“How did you find me?”
“We found the other phone.” Mikey sighed, sweeping a stray strand of his long blond hair over his ear. “Turns out, Dennis was granted bail earlier today. It didn’t take long to connect the dots. Julian’s influence sped things up.”
“Why did he get in alone?” I asked the bitter question, but I already knew the answer to that. I would’ve done the same thing too.
“He wouldn’t listen, but can you blame him?” Mikey slid a small smile my way. “He lost his mind when we found out that you went missing. We all did.”
“All I wanted to do was go home and sleep with him. Now I don’t even know if I can do that.” My voice carried through the wind in a morose whisper.
“You still can.” He slung his arm over my shoulders, and I leaned against him. “He is going to come back mighty fine and kick my ass for having you in my arms.”
I couldn’t even laugh at that; I just didn’t have it in me. But his lightness masked the bubbling tension within me, soothing my troubled heart, even momentarily.
“Do you think they’d be pissed at me when they find out I put their favorite rock star in a hospital?” I gestured outside. Even though it was way past midnight and the temperature was dropping by the minute, the crowd seemed to be growing. Seeing them all gather for him was heartwarming, making me feel a whole lot worse.
Mikey frowned. “No one’s blaming you, E. I told you that. Emmie’s not going to like you thinking like that.”
“What if he doesn’t make it, Mikey? What then? I know I’m going to blame myself for the rest of my life. For being so stupid not to even see it,” I whispered .
“Emmie would never want that. And I won’t let you think that way,” Mikey affirmed in a serious tone that left no room for argument.
“I can’t live without him.” My words hung in the air because we both knew it was the truth. There was no Jay without me, nor me without Jay.
I’d thought life fucked me up enough times that I could handle anything. But no, nothing hurt like this. It felt like inhaling smoke in an empty pit of hellfire.
“You were the only one,” I said a moment later.
His brows furrowed as he dragged his eyes to me.
“Even back in the day when I was doing crazy things to get away from him, you were the only one on my side.” I let that sink in. “You always have been. Why?”
Warmth caressed his green eyes with a hint of seriousness in its undertones. “Sometimes you reminded me of me.”
My brows knotted in confusion.
He shook his head, laughing dryly. “I know what it’s like to be alone and hopeless. I only had my mother before the Jamesons came into my life. I never knew that life could be this…colorful, I guess. My dull, dark days were suddenly bright and sunny for some reason.” A nostalgic look crept over his eyes. I think I knew which Jameson he was talking about. “Back in LA, I recognized the look in your eyes. Even when you were fighting, even when you were trying hard to get away from him, your eyes said he was my world, yet he couldn’t be. I think I’ve seen that look more times than I can count. I recognized myself in you, which was why I could never accept the fact that you would cheat. People like us, we can’t unless we’re forced to. ”
I swallowed. “I would’ve cried had you said all that in a different time.”
He smiled, pulling me closer. “I searched for you, you know? Back in LA when you called me?”
I shook my head.
“I just felt that something was wrong. I even flew back to Seattle and asked around a bit, but I couldn’t find you. I let it go after a while, thinking you were at Yale or something. I just thought you had moved on, and I didn’t want to ruin that. But if I’d known otherwise, I swear I would’ve done something different, E.”
“I didn’t know that, but thank you.” A slither of a genuine smile curved my lips. “For always having my back. It means a lot.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Be it your fault or not, no one could’ve gone through what you did and still be here with him, fighting for this love, fighting for your sanity. Most girls would’ve said fuck it and left a long time ago. But you stayed. That shows how special you are, and you are very special, E.” He pressed a kiss on the side of my head. “Don’t ever forget that.”
“It was worth it. He was worth it.”
I don’t know how long we stood like that, but the early morning rays started to peek through the indigo-blue clouds. There was still no update on him, but we decided to return to the waiting room.
Katy was offering everyone cups of coffee, and the stale smell of instant coffee lingered in the air. I denied my cup because it reminded me of him, and just the thought of forcing that through my throat made my stomach lurch .
Seconds later, the doors slid open, and a doctor arrived decked out in surgical scrubs, with a nurse hovering behind him.
My heart cramped at their sight before it pounded so loudly that it felt like it was trying to burst out of my rib cage.
“Mr. Jameson’s family.” His voice gave nothing away.
“That’s us, Doctor,” Mikey voiced out while the boys crowded to their side.
“I’m sorry, but we can only disclose the details to immediate family.” He offered a tight smile.
“We’re his parents.” Emily and Richard rushed to the doctor’s side, and they spoke in hushed whispers in the corner. Even Lily hustled to them. Their expression altered from relief clouding their eyes before their silent cries floated through the room.
And I felt like dying.
It dawned on me that Jay was the only family I had, yet he wasn’t even mine. On paper.
What a cruel twist of fate?
Minutes passed before Emily’s eyes met mine, gesturing for me. “Come here, darling.”
My heart still felt like it was going to leap out of me, but the cold numbness and tingling kept me steady as I made my way to them.
The boys and Katy crowded as Richard explained, “Emmie is doing fine. The surgery went well.”
“Thank God,” Mikey muttered as a collective sigh of relief left everyone.
“But there was extensive damage, and he lost a lot of blood, and it was touch and go for a while. So they put him in a medically induced coma. The next few days will be critical, but they are hopeful. He is young and strong so he’ll pull through.”
Coma was the only word I heard loud and clear in that sentence.
“They would only let one of us stay with him,” Emily said before her eyes slid to me. “Evelyn, we would like you to go.”
My eyes widened, and I was shaking my head before I could even speak. “I cannot possibly.”
“Evy.” Her soft hand gripped mine. “I know my son, and if there was anyone in this world he would’ve wanted with him in there, it’s you.”
I nodded.
“Good.” She smiled.
I blinked as I followed them, and they introduced me to the doctor as Jay’s wife. He looked skeptical at that but let me go with him anyway.
“He’s in ICU at the moment, but we’ll shift him tomorrow to the regular rooms,” the doctor, whose name was Dr. Martin, explained as he led me past a dozen rooms.
“When will he wake up?”
A sympathetic smile curved his lips. “We can’t say for sure.”
I nodded as they asked me to sanitize my hands and don a sterile gown and shoe covers.
A nurse led me farther down the hallway to a room with a fogged door. “Go ahead, he’s in there.”
I pushed the door open, and cold air blasted as the beeping monitors crowded the air. My heart stopped when my eyes landed on him. He looked so alone and melancholic that it hurt me. He was huddled up with a thick blanket with a bunch of tubes sticking out of him .
I willed my heavy feet to move forward. Bending, I clutched his cold hand in mine, rubbing it slowly while I leaned closer to him.
Oh, what would I give for those blue eyes to blink up at me right this moment?
Catching a stray strand of his velvety soft hair, I slid it back in place and traced a soft thumb over the arches of his face.
“Come back to me,” I whispered. “What will I ever do without you, Jay? I only just got you back. You can’t just leave me like that. You promised you would marry me, you promised that you would give me six children, and you promised that you’d show me the world. Now, who’s going to do all that if you’re gone? I want you, wait… no… I need you. You can’t possibly think I can live without you. I’m as good as dead if you’re not with me.” My fingers felt along the slopes of his cracked lips. “You hear me? Don’t you dare give up. Don’t you dare leave me.”
I pressed my lips to his and gave him a soft kiss. “I love you, Jay.”