Chapter 30
Mallory
I hear the door go. ‘Hi, love! I’m home!’
Seven o’clock. Bang on time.
I’ve left Ronan dinner downstairs. The air is still. The place is spotless. My phone has been here all day. He will have checked and seen my location at the house.
I am prepared.
‘Food’s in the kitchen!’ I yell back.
‘Thank you!’
Like nothing happened.
We do this. Pretend.
‘Just reading in bed!’
I am reading. Not the book he got for me, which I have placed next to me on the duvet.
I am reading an email from Stanley Maier.
Hi Mal,
I’ve read the first ten chapters, and all I can say is, wow. I am frankly blown away.
I hope you don’t mind but I shared it in-house, I couldn’t help myself, and honestly the entire office is raving. We LOVE it. And the title. Slay. So dark, yet funny. Perfectly on brand for this type of social commentary.
A few minor notes – we need more of Leo’s past now.
And certainly more interaction with Mark.
What a dark and sad and unsettling underbelly of society – one I think many more people will be intrigued to hear about.
Our head of sales, Pam (I hope you don’t mind, I knew she would be intrigued and she just loved the title so much), said she feels this story is both ‘necessary’ and ‘urgent’. High praise indeed.
She is someone to impress – so good job.
I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I do have a feeling I can get this over the line at our acquisitions meeting at the end of next week, and the budget is currently strong – this deserves recognition in that respect.
Keep going. Can you get me the next five chapters by next week? I think that should be enough. And a synopsis, so we can get a sense of the ending.
Welcome back, Mal.
It’s a joy to see you flourishing like this.
Warmest regards,
S. x
I pull my laptop closer to me, re-reading the email over and over again. Part of me thinks it isn’t real. That it can’t be real.
But it is.
It’s here. In front of me.
The words fill my body, and in doing so, I feel more space, somehow, inside me.
And he even signed off with just his first initial. With an ‘x’ next to it.
Hi Stan,
Wow, thank you so very much for your kind words. I will endeavour to have the next five chapters to you by next week, and have a lot more to say about Liam’s past. And of course, Mark. A creation born from reflecting at length on how to authentically represent a trauma cycle.
Leave it with me.
And please, thank Pam! Maybe one day, if this happens, we can all go for a drink together!
M. x
Before I press send, I realise that this is also an opportunity for me to actually meet new people.
To form my own friendships. Pam sounds amazing.
I can see her now, in a throwback eighties power suit – purple, cool – with high shoulder pads and red lipstick.
The clashing colours are dazzling. I suddenly have a vision of me saving her in my phone as Publishing Sis Pam!
, with a love heart, and it fills me with such a buzz, the excitement so warm that I actually close my eyes.
‘You OK, Mal?’
Ronan is at the door of the bedroom. I’m not entirely sure how long he has been stood there.
‘Hi, yes! Just doing more work.’
He nods. ‘Good. That’s good to hear. You stopped seeing that patient?’
‘Yes. Of course.’
‘Good. I saw you’ve been in all day. Has it been nice?’
‘It really has. I feel replenished.’
I pick up Getting Ready for Parenthood. I have bent the pages and folded down a few. I see him glance at it. A flash of warmth enters his expression, and he leans over the bed and kisses me on the forehead.
‘I’m going to have a shower.’
‘OK,’ I say, and kiss his cheek. ‘The book’s good.’
‘It is?’
‘Yes. Really gentle, not stressful.’
He nods. Smiles. ‘I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
I watch him turn into the en suite, dropping his trousers on the floor.
When he shuts the door, I quickly take my phone out to check for messages from Leo and see the Grindr app – hidden in my wellbeing folder – has a notification symbol.
I open it.
Mo.
I’m having some people over this evening
Gonna be fun
Might get a little wild
If you wanna join in?
Interesting.
I start to type back.
‘Love?’
I look up, the en suite door is open and Ronan is stood, fully naked, with a backdrop of a steam cloud behind him. It’s like something from a reality TV show. A mix between Stars in Their Eyes and Naked Attraction. ‘Yes, hun?’
‘We’re running out of this amazing shower wash. Do you want to use the Monzo to order us some more?’
He’s so handsome. He really is.
I can see why people say it.
‘Of course! I’ll do it now.’ He never asks me to order stuff unless things are feeling settled, and he’s not concerned.
‘Thanks, love.’
He lingers for a moment in the doorway.
Naked.
‘Do you want to join me?’ he says.
‘Hmm?’ is my instinctive response. ‘I was going to buy this soap. It’s Aesop...?’
He shrugs, then wipes his hair out of his eyes. ‘We could... You know...’ He then glances at the baby book. At the bent pages that I haven’t read. ‘You’ve come off the pill now, haven’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I lie.
He smiles, then squints.
Sexy. This is sexy.
‘Hello,’ he says mischievously. ‘Did you check the app?’
‘What app?’
‘Someone’s ovulating.’
This is not sexy.
‘Right. Yes!’
I slowly begin to stand and move towards him. I have learnt to detach. I don’t know when, but it happens. I will deal with the shame later. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Whenever it decides to land.
Which it does.
And I am kissing him on the mouth, and he is pulling off my clothes.
He drags me with him, into the shower cubicle, through the Crittall glass door.
He grabs my face with his hand and says, ‘I love you, Mal, you know that, don’t you?
’ And I moan in response. And then I leave.
I leave my body and it is as if I am watching us from above.
A tile-eyed view, from above the shower faucet.
It doesn’t look painful, or difficult. I look like I am enjoying it.
I certainly sound like I am. It is over quickly.
And then he is stepping out of the glass box, wrapping a towel around his waist, and into the doorway, where he turns to me and says, ‘You’re so beautiful. ’
‘So are you,’ says the Mallory beneath me.
And she stands under the hot water for about a minute, not moving.
Move.
I am back inside myself, stepping out of the shower, and moving to the sink. I start to brush my teeth, then go back into the bedroom, where Ronan is already dozing.