Chapter 31
Leo
Mo’s room is dark and cold.
I never see the rest of his house. The candles are lit. Incense is burning somewhere and it smells like lavender or some shit. But the bed is bare. No duvet or pillows, just a mattress with a sheet on it. That’s not how it usually is.
‘Here,’ he says. White powder, fat as slugs, lined up on top of a book. I read the title before I put the straw to my nose.
THE POWER OF NOW
ECKHART TOLLE
I think it’s ket. Or coke. Or meth. Or the lot.
He does do that sometimes. Mixes them. I think he thinks I don’t know.
Or that I don’t care, which would be true.
His hands, holding a credit card, cut through the powder.
I know his hands well. The veins in them, the way they move as he lights his cigarette.
They have this thing about them. Makes me sometimes think they have a personality all of their own.
They remind me of Jafar from Aladdin. All long and twisty.
Was my favourite film, that, growing up.
‘Leo, get on the bed.’
I’m swaying.
I prefer it when I sway. Things begin to blend into each other. Can’t tell the difference between the beige curtain and the beige floor. Right now, they are all one. The mattress smells like it always does – clean. It’s fresh. He is clean, Mo – I’ll give him that.
‘Leo, sweetie?’
He calls me that, like I’m one of his Haribos.
‘Sorry, yeah. Yeah. It’s just hitting me.’
He is currently faceless. Two studs for eyes in a blur of beige. More beige. Beige, beige, beige.
Handcuffs.
‘I told you you’d be punished tonight. What are you?’
‘Bad,’ I say.
‘Yes,’ he agrees. ‘What else?’
He wants more. ‘Pathetic,’ I try.
‘Well yes. But something else.’ I shrug, because I have no idea. ‘My toy.’
Oh right. ‘Your toy,’ I repeat.
I feel my arms gripped together by the metal.
But now I’m not really sure when that happened. Time has gone weird.
‘On the bed, sweetie.’
It’s got one of those metal frames, you know the type. Looks dead cheap but actually pretty solid.
I lie down on the mattress, face first.
‘Turn over,’ he instructs.
I do. ‘Can I have more?’ I say, on my back. I just have my boxers on. I didn’t shower. I guess I could say I don’t shower. He doesn’t seem to care, Mo. Surprising.
In fact he likes it.
‘Sure.’ He moves away from my vision, and I stare at the ceiling. It’s got that pattern on it. You know – the swirls of plaster that your grandma had. ‘Here,’ he says.
I lean forward and snort off Eckhart Tolle.
Is that how you say it?
Ek – Heart – Toll?
He’s holding a knife now.
I see the knife but I am also numb – that helps. The knife is power play, I’m pretty sure, but this time his eyes look different. I feel the cold metal against my chest.
‘No moving,’ he says.
I am boxer-less. ‘Where’s my kecks,’ I say.
‘No talking either. I have a surprise for you.’
He disappears. Well, I think he does. I just lie with my hands above my head tied to the frame for ages. Can hear noises. But it’s all fucking swirling. I see things move – shadows, moving shadows – and there are voices. They are in the room.
Am I in the room?
Or oblivion?
I want it.
But these people are here.
It doesn’t seem like earth.
One of the voices is next to my head calling me chavvy scum.
Then there’s another voice calling me babe and slut.
I don’t really know how many. There are at least four sets of eyes.
They are men.
I can see the hair on their forearms and feel their thighs against my thighs.
I’m being pushed over and over, but there isn’t really proof of that cos I don’t feel anything
just the shifting of my body.
but I want to chuck up my guts.
I turn my head and try to.
Someone grabs me by the hair.
Pulls so hard it feels like my neck might snap.
and I can’t really breathe.
I can’t fucking breathe.
stop
fucking stop
‘Fucking stop doing that – I know what you’re doing—’
Stop—
Please—
there is no noise coming out of my mouth now. Something is in it.
A sock.
They are laughing.
‘My toy. My fucking toy. I pay for this piece of shit.’
Snorting from Eckhart Tolle.
I can smell the cigarettes and cum.
I am on my front somehow.
When did that happen?
My face is in the mattress
‘Yes, sweetie, that’s it.’
I am starting to feel something now
Yeah
OK
I can feel that.
that fucking hurts
get the fuck off me get off me get off me
‘Bite down, sweetie.’
more powder up my nose.
More.
More.
More.
Tastes good.
Hurts.
But.
Wait.
My arms are free.
and I am not in the room anymore
How the fuck did that happen?
I am outside.
I’m outside and it’s cold as fuck.
Hits me like a train.
I don’t have my shoes.
That’s weird.
Because I do now have my clothes on.
in my hand there is something.
in my hand I think.
It’s money.
Yeah it is it’s money.
About two hundred fucking quid.
Amazing.
That’s fucking amazing.
Buzzing.
Actual buzzing somewhere.
Think it’s in my pocket.
but I need to lie down.
there’s something running down the inside of my joggers.
it hurts.
it fucking hurts.
I find some grass.
dunno how.
I lie down on it.
I have a packet of Haribo.
I eat them all.
I start moving down the road. Walking. Running. Always running.
My body feels weird.
Very fucking weird.
Like floppy but also not.
People moving away from me on the pavement holding their noses.
Fucking rude.
‘Fucking rude!’
I’m fucked.
I’m fuckerooed.
My toes are all cut up think I stepped in glass.
Things are starting to hurt.
On my body.
And inside.
I can’t let myself feel it.
No fucking way.
No.
No. I don’t want to know.
I don’t want to wake up.
I don’t want to go to sleep.
Hospital.
But the police will find me.
Can’t go to the clink.
I fucking can’t go there. But maybe it’s better at least I’ll get clean. But maybe I won’t?
I always find a way.
My feet are moving me.
I’m going past that park.
That park I was in earlier.
I know where I’m going.
Know exactly where I’m going.
I open my phone.
00:42
It’s not what time I thought it was but I dunno.
I dunno anything.
I get up her name.
Mandy. Fucking Mandy.
I ned help
PlZ cn u help me
PleaSE
I can’t do this aynmore
If oyu don’t help me ill tell people
MALLORY
I’m outsid ur house
What?
Gonna ring the doorbell
MALLORY MADDOX
Wait Leo
Hello MALLORY MADDOXXX
RINGING THE DOORBELL IN
3
2
1