Chapter Twenty-Four
JENNA
I’m portioning out pasta into separate containers ahead of the playoff games we have this week when my cell lights up with a text from Tommy.
Asswipe
So … apparently, you’re nice enough to make captain now?
I haven’t heard from him at all on his away series, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t watch the Blades games.
Me
That only just got announced on the Storm’s website … you really are my real-life stalker.
Asswipe
It passes the time.
Me
Did you text me for a reason or just to annoy me again?
Asswipe
Actually, I wanted to say congrats on getting the captaincy. I guess this means you’ll be sticking around Brooklyn then…
Setting the containers into my freezer, I find myself overthinking Tommy’s last text. Why does he care where I am? And when did I ever give the impression that I’d be moving away from Brooklyn? I decide to ignore his comment and change the subject.
Me
Where are you right now?
Asswipe
On a flight home. We land in an hour. Where are you?
Me
In my kitchen.
Asswipe
Eating more out-of-date takeout?
Me
No. I just made pasta dishes for this week’s pregame meals.
Asswipe
Show me the evidence, or I won’t believe you.
Stepping across to the freezer, I pull the door open and snap a photo of the containers.
Me
*picture attached*
Asswipe
Such a good girl.
It feels like every hair on my body stands on end.
Me
Don’t patronize me. Believe it or not, at twenty-seven, I have made my own food before you forced your way into my life.
Asswipe
No one forced anyone, Jenna.
Me
That’s not how I recall it.
Asswipe
Okay then, if you’re so keen to get rid of me from your life, don’t reply to this text. If I don’t hear anything back after an hour, I’ll delete your number, and aside from the odd time we see each other after games, you’ll never see or hear from me again. Because that’s what you want, right?
My hairs are still standing on end, but this time, it’s for a very different reason.
I shouldn’t reply; in fact, I should block his contact altogether and do exactly what Holt advised.
But do my brother and friends really know this guy? Or do they only see what he lets people see? I’m not even sure Tommy sees himself as a good person. And a part of me thinks his last message wasn’t sent to play a game with me; rather, it was an honest opportunity for me to get out.
I should reply.
But I can’t.
What would I say to him if I did?
In the end, all I do is stare at our text conversation before I close out the thread altogether and lock the screen.
Motivated by nothing but pure, unadulterated frustration, I toss my phone across the room, and it silently lands on the soft cushions on my sofa.
The sofa he slept on that night he rescued me from Ethan. He could’ve crawled into bed with me and asked for sex, and I would’ve given it to him, no questions asked.
I wanted to sleep with him again that night. I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t. It’s why I asked him to stay and not leave; it’s what I was hoping for when he lay beside me on the bed until I slipped into a deep sleep.
For the next half hour, I busy myself around the apartment, cleaning every surface and tidying away every item of clothing I can find.
It’s not enough to distract my brain or to stop me from clock-watching.
There’s twenty-five minutes remaining in Tommy’s window, and then he’ll step away forever.
I’m halfway to my bedroom with another stack of freshly laundered clothes when my phone starts vibrating between the cushions.
I drop the clothes on the floor and scramble to answer it without checking who is calling. “Hello?!”
“Jesus. You sound like you’re running sprint drills or something,” Kendra replies on a half laugh.
Disappointment passes through me, followed by a sharp pang of guilt for being anything other than happy to hear my best friend’s voice.
She sounds joyful, and she has every right to be too—married to the man of her dreams with their first child due in the new year.
“Sorry,” I reply, walking over to pick up my clothes before dropping them onto my bed and collapsing onto the mattress beside them. “I was doing some housework and didn’t want to miss the call.”
I’m met with silence initially and then another chuckle from my friend.
“Housework?! Okay, we both know you don’t do housework. Have you got your mom coming over to stay?”
While Kendra knows I don’t see my mom often and that my dad is a dick, she doesn’t know the whole picture with my family. Her family is tight, and so is Jack’s. A little like my apparent inability to bag a caring man, my lack of decent relatives also feels like a sob story I’d rather not share.
“How can I help thee?” I ask, changing the subject quickly.
For once, Kendra doesn’t fight me to answer her question as I hear her move about.
“So, Jack and I are thinking of announcing the pregnancy to everyone all at once. I’m still not twelve weeks, but unlike Darcy, I can’t wait another second to share.”
I go to respond, but she carries on, her excitement becoming increasingly obvious.
“We were thinking of throwing a house party at our place next week. The guys play on Friday night so we could hold it on Saturday. It could double as a celebration for you getting the captaincy too.”
Pulling back the phone, I check the time.
Twenty minutes until Tommy’s window closes.
Placing a flat palm against my forehead, I can feel the stress headache as it builds behind my eyes.
“I don’t want me getting captain to overshadow your news. Seriously, let’s just focus on your announcement.”
“But—” Kendra tries to protest, but I cut her off abruptly.
“But nothing. I was thinking of having a small celebration at my apartment at some point after the playoffs are finished. Hollie is still the captain right now, and I don’t want to step on her toes.”
Kendra goes quiet. She usually does when she knows I’m right.
“Why are you so grumpy?” Her next question is not what I was expecting. “You just ticked off two major goals in your career, and you sound anything but delighted about it.”
This is one of the reasons why I like Kendra, Collins, and Darcy so much—they aren’t afraid to speak the truth. I’ve met my fair share of people with an alternative agenda to last me a lifetime.
“I’m not grumpy,” I attempt to deny, checking the time once again.
“You are,” she volleys back, only sounding more and more determined. “I’ve felt like something has been going on with you for a while now, so tell me, is it to do with Holt?”
The temptation to lie is so great. I’m not a liar though, and Kendra doesn’t deserve to be deceived.
That’s not what good friendships are built on.
Maybe it’s the fact that I now have a little over fifteen minutes to save whatever it is I have with Tommy that drives me to be truthful. I don’t know. But when I close my eyes and let the words come, so does a sense of relief.
“It has to do with Tommy,” I tell her quietly.
Any background noise on Kendra’s end immediately stops.
“Tommy?” Her voice is cold and cutting. “What the fuck has he done now?”
I press my palm harder into my forehead, almost like I’m pushing the thoughts out of my brain and into the open. “He hasn’t done anything wrong.”
There are a few beats of nothing before Kendra speaks again.
“I’m confused, Jen. If he hasn’t done anything wrong, then what is the problem?”
Opening my eyes, I stare up at my white ceiling, the outdated textured pattern the previous tenant left blurring with wetness.
“Jen?” Kendra gently presses me for more information.
“I … I don’t really know what to say.” My voice is equally as soft.
“Can I ask you something then?”
I nod my head in an empty room, but despite my best friend not being able to see it, she continues with her question.
“Has something been going on with you two?”
I spent weeks dreading the thought of anyone finding out about me sleeping with Tommy, for fear of how my friends and Holt would react.
Yet, as Kendra finishes up her question, all I feel is more relief.
“I’ve been sleeping with him.”
To my total surprise, Kendra chuckles. “I figured something was going on. You two might hate each other’s guts, but you can’t deny the insane level of sexual tension between you both.”
The relief I was feeling earlier vanishes in an instant.
I’m back where I was before—feeling like I’m out on an island when it comes to guys and my friends.
How the hell am I supposed to explain that what I have with Tommy feels like more than just sex, even if it was never supposed to be more than a quick fuck to satisfy an itch.
All I know is, I can’t let my heart get involved with a boy who is bound to break it.
“Is he good in bed?”
Any response I could potentially form sticks in my throat.
“Jen …” Kendra’s voice is back to soft, her concern evident just from the way she says my name.
“I know you think he’s a complete asshole,” I whisper, finally finding my voice again. “But I think we might have him all wrong.”
“Oh shit.”
“What?” I reply, thinking her response is unrelated to our conversation.
“Have you caught feelings for him?”
I bolt up to a seated position on the bed, crossing my legs underneath me. “Just because I think he might not be all bad after all doesn’t mean I’m falling in love with the guy.”
“I never said you were falling for him,” she quickly counters.
She’s right; she didn’t. It’s not enough to lower my defenses though.
“You basically insinuated it with what you said.” I push a hand through my hair and clear the emotion from my throat. “All I’m saying is, I’ve spent some time with him away from the hockey rink and other people, and … he isn’t the person he makes himself out to be.”
Kendra stays quiet, and I swallow thickly.
“Say something,” I whisper.
She pulls in a breath and releases it slowly. “I guess it’s my turn to not know what to say.”
“You think I’m being an idiot, don’t you?”
Kendra puffs out another breath, and images of the punch Tommy landed on Holt flash in front of me.
Of course she thinks I’m a fool.
“We’ve built our friendship on total transparency, right?”
“Yes,” I confirm.
“Well, in the spirit of keeping that alive, I’ll be really honest with you right now.”
It feels like all the oxygen in the room has been sucked out as I fight to inflate my lungs.
“Tommy reminds me of my ex, Tyler. Sure, Tyler was never so explicit with his assholery, but he sure shares a lot of Tommy’s characteristics.
He’s cold and calculating and always looking to gain the upper hand over you.
Tyler and Tommy are selfish men who care about only one thing—themselves.
Why do you think Tommy is sleeping with you? ”
I can sense her question is rhetorical, and I don’t reply.
“Because you turned him down last season and now he sees fucking you and fucking with you as interchangeable. This is all a conquest to him. You are nothing but a conquest to him. And probably a massive fuck you to your brother too.” She pauses for a breath and then speaks much lower.
“Don’t fall for his games, Jen. How many times did you tell me to sack Tyler and find someone I deserved to be with?
Countless. So, now, here I am, telling you the exact same thing.
You fucked him and scratched that itch. Don’t let him get in your head and mess with you.
He isn’t boyfriend material, but there is a guy out there who would kill to be with y—”
“There’s no one out there for me,” I bite out.
Tears now flow freely down my cheeks. “Trust me when I say, I’ve looked and held out hope for Mr. Right, who would wrap his arms around me and tell me I was the only girl for him.
It’s time I faced facts and accepted that I’m going to be on the shelf forever, and that’s how I’m trying to live my life—in acceptance.
If I continue hoping my dream man will suddenly show up and sweep me off my feet, then I’ll just keep on hurting myself over and over. ”
I can feel my stomach churn as a sob breaks free from my throat.
“Jen, please don’t cry,” Kendra pleads.
We’re not really girls who cry, so when we do, the other knows and feels the pain.
With the corner of my hoodie sleeve, I wipe roughly at my eyes, feeling the material chafe my sensitive skin.
“Do you know how hard it is to watch my friends all get married and have babies? I don’t want to sound like that person who isn’t happy for her friends because I am and I always will be.”
“I know, Jen.”
The confession continues to tumble from me in a landslide of emotion.
“But at some point, you have to reach a conclusion where you accept that you aren’t desired because you’re nothing but undesirable.
You start to look in the mirror and think, What’s wrong with me?
Where did I go wrong? Is it because I have a resting bitch face, or did I do something in another life that has left me with a big red flag above my head that only the opposite sex can see?
Maybe that’s why Lee backed off our relationship—because he could see I wasn’t long-term material and there were better options out there for him than me. ”
“I didn’t mean to upset you with what I said.” Kendra sounds full of regret and sorrow, and I feel the same emotions too. Deep in the pit of my gut.
Unloading on my friend like this when all she called about was her pregnancy announcement party was unfair and selfish.
“I’m going to come over and see you right now.”
I shake my head to no one. “You don’t need to do that. Jack will be home soon and hasn’t seen you in over a week.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she immediately counters. “I’m going to come over, and we’ll eat ourselves silly and watch all the movies you want. You need me tonight, and I need you, friend.”
When I pull the phone away from my ear, the final minute on Tommy’s window expires, and more regret and sadness overwhelm my senses.
I could really use a friendly face tonight.
“Okay,” I eventually reply, uncrossing my legs and drawing my knees toward my chest. “Bring some wine too.”