Chapter 36
Noah
The sadness that radiated off Lewis made me want to curl up at his side and weep.
We had long surpassed pretending to be something so I could make money online. But feeling it and talking about it were two very different animals.
A stubborn part of me still felt as if I’d failed because I wanted to stay here. I had spent years telling people how amazing my life abroad was. It was uncomfortable to sit down and look at it, realising that I’d lived other peoples’ fantasy of a perfect existence.
It looked great in photographs, but unlike the last couple of months, the feeling behind those images was less than picturesque. It had been an empty, vain way of living. Nothing like the raw honest experiences Lew and I had shared.
Life here wasn’t perfect, but what in God’s name was?
Nothing but the beautiful man by my side.
Four more days for me to tell him that I wouldn’t go back to Bali, to the place that I had claimed was my own fairytale.
I had never realised that I was living in the middle of one already. The rough, wild beauty of the Scottish countryside, the gloom, the colours—they all made it impossible not to believe in magic.
As does the man next to me.
And even though my heart knew he wanted me to stay, my head had been particularly loud these past couple of days.
I circled the same questions over and over again.
What if I had misjudged his intentions? What if he only mourned the loss of a willing partner?
He’d grown accustomed to me; it was never easy to let that go.
I would break him, too, just like I had all my other partners. Being with me was easy for a few months, but in the long run? The darker times would come back eventually.
Do I want to condemn Lew to a lifetime of functioning as my coping mechanism? Is it fair to expect him to co-regulate me?
Unlike neurotypicals who learned to do that for themselves with age, I would never grow out of the need for external regulation.
As much as I cosplayed as a functional adult, even the ticket machine at a car park could turn into an obstacle that meant I had to turn to a real adult for help.
It had cost me my relationships in the past. They hadn’t been able to deal with it, and, ultimately, I’d hated myself for demanding it of them.
“How about we go back to warm up a bit, Puppy? I thought we could have dinner in town later?” Lew stroked my shoulder and pulled me out of my thoughts.
See? He’s doing it already. Is it fair to push him into this role?
“Would you be okay with eating at home? I don’t want to share you with others tonight.” I’d spoken without looking away from the horizon.
A few days ago, I sent my parents a direct message to ask them if I could stay in the shack a bit longer. I hadn’t heard back, but if my mum said no, well, I’d have to ask Maddie if they had a room for me at the distillery.
He swallowed hard. “Anything you want, Puppy,” he rasped, hitching his thumb under my chin to get me to look at him. Warmth bloomed in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss me. “Anything,” he repeated, then got up, pulling me with him.
You, I wanted to scream. Just you.
The tiny cottage sat nestled between two dunes covered in rough grass. Nothing was between the property’s crooked wooden fence and the sea but a flat, sandy beach.
Lew checked something on his phone, then entered the door code into the touchpad.
“Wow.” I swivelled on the spot, and took my coat and boots off.
The cottage’s back wall was made of glass.
“Oh my God, we’ll be able to see the sea from bed!” I dashed over and flung myself down on the mattress.
The things we hadn’t said out on the beach hung in the air between us as Lew hung up his coat, slipped out of his shoes, and crawled into bed next to me.
I still couldn’t say them, and we turned to the mutual language that never needed any words.
Later, when we lay curled up together, both sweaty and with our hearts hammering, Lew pressed soft kisses all over my temple and my cheek.
I knew that my resolve to let him speak up first, and the panic I still felt at the thought of making him choose between Ollie and me, got thinner the closer Valentine’s Day came.
And part of me didn’t know if I wanted him to beg me to stay.
Did I really want that? For a moment the image of Lew on his knees and sobbing into the front of my shirt flashed before my inner eye.
No. That’s not what I need.
I snuggled deeper into his pecs and stroked his stomach. God, I loved his body.
Tears and begging were gestures of teenagers who’d read too many dramatic romance novels.
Lew and I were both adults, well, more or less in my case.
But adults. And adults devised a plan and followed it.
Bali had always been my plan. But what if the plan doesn’t work?
I’d realised weeks ago that it was useless to keep holding onto something that didn’t make me happy.
You know what else adults do? They fucking talk to their partners and don’t expect them to read their minds.
And as much as adulting sucked, I knew there was only one way to deal with it.
I have to tell him.
If he said “No, thank you,” fuck, of course it would hurt like a bitch.
But I’d survived 100% of my hardest days so far.
I would survive this, too. And I would pivot the way I always did.
Some people called it resilience, but I knew better.
I was too stubborn for my own good and, ultimately, life was just too precious not to enjoy it to its fullest.
And you wanted to go back to Bali and leave him behind?
I stared at the cottage ceiling and listened to Lewis’ soft snores. It was almost a purring sound, and it grounded me the way a cat who slept curled up next to you on the couch calmed you down.
My pretty kitty.
I turned my head away from the dark ceiling and rolled over to my back so I could look at him. We hadn’t closed the blinds on the glass wall. It had been too hot to imagine someone walking past while he edged me with his hand wrapped around my throat.
My cock gave a little twitch.
It was perfect.
We hadn’t even noticed that the sun had gone down. The light of the stars and the moon glinting over the vast expanse of the sea illuminated the bedroom. And I realised that we’d never even had dinner.
With a grin, I turned my body to the side once more, like a chicken you roasted over an open flame.
Ever since I’d been a child, I had trouble sleeping in total darkness.
The number of times I had to get up to open the curtains a bit, because my parents never remembered, was laughable, in hindsight.
How could you not remember this crucial thing about your child?
And how could they not even have offered a nightlight?
I had eventually moved into Ollie’s room. It had been tiny and barely fit more than Ollie’s bed, a small desk, and a rickety wardrobe, and a chest of drawers for his clothes. But Ollie had always made room for me.
He’d been there, my safe harbour, just like Lewis was now.
Same same but different.
I huffed into the dim room. I loved my brother with all my heart, but nothing could be further removed from what Lewis Sinclair did to me than brotherly love.
He mirrored my sigh in his sleep and reached out for me as if he sensed my distress. His strong arms fitted me easily against his broad chest, and I turned on my other side so his cute little paunch was nestled against my spine. We fit together like two puzzle pieces.
I need to tell him I’m not leaving. The plan isn't working, and you know what you have to do when a plan isn't working? You have to tweak it until it does.
I wanted Lewis to be my plan. I wanted a home with him, perhaps even a kid. I’d always wanted children.
But what if he doesn’t feel the same way?
Panic rose in me when the thought flashed through my mind. And for a moment I was sure I would spiral into an anxiety attack. Then Lewis started his purring snores again. They vibrated through my body.
I took a deep breath and snuggled closer.
His cock rose between my ass cheeks, but Lew didn’t wake up. His hips took up a gentle movement against my ass, rubbing his barbed cock up and down, his barbs rasping over my skin.
Holy shit, Sinclair, how am I supposed to sleep like that?
“Can’t you sleep, Puppy?” Lew’s sleepy voice murmured low in my ear.
“It’s fine, I just need a few more minutes. Go back to sleep.”
His hips stopped moving against my ass and then a low chuckle shook his chest. He brought his hand under the duvet and skimmed it down my torso until he reached my cock. To no one’s surprise I was half hard already and groaned when he gave me a gentle squeeze.
“Insatiable little Puppy,” he purred and kissed my neck.
“You know me,” I gasped a little at the touch. I bordered between feeling a little ticklish and wanting to jump his bones yet again.
What the hell are you doing to me, Lew?
Whatever it was, I never wanted him to stop.
“Do you want me to help you sleep, Noah?” Lew asked me in that same velvety purr.
I swallowed hard.
“Fuck yes,” I whispered into the dark bedroom.
It took me no time at all to fall asleep in the cradle of his body once he had made me come so hard I forgot what being awake even felt like.
I’ll tell him tomorrow.
And I was out.
I woke up in the morning hugging the pillow and feeling lighter and more hopeful perhaps than I had in years.
“Good morning, Puppy.” Lew pressed a soft kiss on my neck. “Let me take you out for breakfast, okay?”
We got dressed and left the cottage hand in hand.
“It’s about a ten minute walk into town. Do you want to take the car?”
“Nah, let’s walk. A bit of fresh air and movement will do us good.” Perhaps it would help with how sore my body was. I grinned into my scarf. We’d had so much sex I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t been in such delicious pain.
We set off down the sandy path covered in a thin dusting of snow.
“Maddie suggested a small coffee shop to me. It’s called Harbour & Bean. It’s by the—”
“Let me guess, the harbour?” I squeezed Lew’s hand.
“How did you know?” he asked in a fake impressed tone.
“I’m just a clever boy.” We both chuckled and crossed the bridge over the river that had given the town its name.
It was a cute little cafe with a bright pink door and an airy interior.
“Good morning,” the woman behind the bar greeted us. She wasn’t quite human with slightly sharper teeth and the greenish hue in her silver hair. “What can I get you, my dears?”
We both ordered their traditional Scottish breakfast and coffees and picked a table in a corner.
Lew joined me on the bench and settled his arm around my shoulders. He tried hard not to let it show, but the sadness hung over him like a dark cloud.
“This is the best,” he choked out and pulled me closer to his side.
“Lew, I’m not leaving,” I blurted out. I couldn’t stand seeing him suffer for another minute.
He froze, then inched away and let go of me. His huge black-and-white head turned around in slow motion and pure shock was etched on his features.
Shit, he doesn’t want me to stay. He—
Then my big, perfect Tiger burst into tears.
Lewis collapsed into my arms and hid his face in my neck where he drenched my jumper. I stroked his shaking shoulders, unable to speak around the lump in my throat.
When the server approached our table, I tried to give her a reassuring smile.
It’s all good, we’re just having a little existential crisis here.
She returned the smile, set the tray down, and went back to the counter to serve a group of people who had just entered and threw us confused glances.
It took Lew another five minutes to compose himself enough to sit up. He stared at me out of huge eyes. God, he’d never looked more adorable than at this moment with his watery eyes, runny nose, and the tear tracks in his fur.
Mine.
“Lew.” I reached out and took his hand in both of mine.
“I had no idea how to tell you, and I’ve been—” I took a deep breath.
This was it. I had to lay it all out for him right here in this slightly rundown seaside cafe.
“I’ve been so scared that you’d pick Ollie if I made you choose.
Fuck, no that’s not how I mean it. I don’t want you to choose.
I love Ollie, and I know you two are as good as brothers, too, and I … I just want you,” I finished lamely.
Lewis stared at me for a long and very pregnant moment, then he palmed my cheeks and crushed his lips to mine.
“Oh Gods, Puppy,” he forced out between urgent kisses.
“Don’t you know I would always choose you?
” His rough tongue invaded my mouth, and I clutched his biceps to steady myself.
Lewis was a great kisser. “I love Ollie like a brother, but you are my person.” He mewled softly and kissed me again so deeply I thought he’d have crawled under my skin if he could.
Then he pulled away and held my gaze. “You. Are. Mine.” He accentuated every word with a gentle shake. “Do you hear me?”
I nodded.
“Words, Bright,” Lew prompted me with the tiniest smirk.
“Yes,” I breathed. “I hear you. I love you,” I added in a whisper and fresh tears spilled out of his bright blue eyes.
Once we’d finished our almost-cold breakfast, we set off on a long walk on the beach.
“You made a close friends list just for me?” He snorted and slipped his arm around my shoulder when I confessed this last secret to him. “Gods, Puppy. So no one …”
“No one actually saw the lewd content we made, nope,” I finished his sentence. “I didn’t want to share you with my followers like that. The other part of you is just for me.”
Lew tilted my face up. His palm cupped the back of my neck.
“And you are sure you want to stay here? Scotland is fucking miserable.”
“No it isn’t,” I said with a tiny shrug. “It has you. And you are my person, too,” I mirrored his words from earlier.