23 The Bath
Beau/Dash
Beau
Two days later
Sea Springs Texas
I scratched my itchy facial growth, realizing that my reluctance to shave might not have been my best decision. When the itch crept up to my scalp, I had to remember the last time I’d taken a shower. It must have been the night before I returned home... Wait. Chicago was never truly my home, and I refused to accept it as such. The last place I lived that felt like I belonged was my grandparents’ house. They always told me that their place would be mine someday.
My eyes narrowed. Man, I was going emotionally lower than low. I also needed to bathe. As I lifted my arm to check the smell of my pit, I was relieved to find it wasn’t that bad. So much like I’d done since arriving, I aimed the remote at the television and flipped through the channels to find something to watch.
I’d spent the better part of my hotel stay in this bed, either snuggled under the covers or lying on top like I was doing right now. My Dash-induced depression weighed heavy on me. When I first arrived, I decided to give myself a solid week before I pulled my life back together. I needed a job—FedEx canned me for leaving without notice—and a new place to live. I also had to find somewhere to keep my boat.
A knock interrupted my pity party, causing me to glare at the door. Since I’d declined housekeeping, and had the snoozing door hanger on the door, no one should be bothering me. So I’d ignore them until another knock, much louder and longer this time, had me sitting up. Anger licked up my spine.
I flung the remote on the mattress as I headed for the door. Another knock sounded at the same time as I peered through the peephole. I only saw darkness, which was weird. Fuck that, I jerked open the door, swinging it wide. There stood Dash, looking as dashing as ever, wealthy and runway ready. My senses were assaulted, but somehow my brain stayed clear. I clasped the side of the door and sent it slamming shut.
Naturally, Dash denied me the satisfaction that came from hearing a slam. His foot stopped the door from closing, allowing him to enter my room uninvited. “How the fuck did you find me so fast?”
Dash didn’t immediately answer. He looked me up and down then up again. I zoned into the red rim around his pretty blue eyes, I’d missed that on the first glance. Otherwise, he was on point, his slacks and fitted button-up shirt framed him perfectly. When his gaze shifted around my room, I followed to see what he was seeing. Only then did I see the pigsty I’d created. It didn’t matter. Pinning aside the depression and hurt from moments ago, I focused on his superior attitude, my back went ramrod straight.
“Why are you here? I was pretty damn clear with my note.”
Dash refocused on me. “I apologize for losing my way. Come home and let’s work out a home balance that suits us both.” His tone was an octave higher than angry which meant it was still not that of a man begging for forgiveness.
“No. Now leave,” I said, my frustration directed at him and myself for drinking him into my thirsty soul. It would be so easy to do as he suggested, but dammit, he hadn’t asked. He’d commanded. He hadn’t addressed the Chandler issue or why he hadn’t come home the night I arrived back in Chicago. Instead, he came with that lawyerly air of superiority. As if his simple statement was all it was going to take for me to drop to my knees, suck him off in appreciation of his kindness.
“I won’t leave without you. I reviewed the security feed from that night and saw what you obviously did. I regret putting myself in such a compromising situation. Nothing happened between Chandler and me. I woke up the following day in my office. Chandler had taken my files and disappeared. It’s a convoluted situation, but I take responsibility, and I apologize once more.” I didn’t retreat as that felt like surrendering control. Instead, I towered over him, explaining my new truth.
“I’ll never return to Chicago. My life isn’t tied to that city anymore. You no longer hold that place in my heart. We’ve drifted apart. When you chose to exclude me in your dinners or cocktail hour…” I shook my head. I had to be succinct or tears might build. “I embarrassed you and your company. I should’ve taken off when you took their side.”
“You’ve never embarrassed me,” he said firmly, and I cut him right off.
“I know what I heard. You thrive in that world. The wealth, the prestige. Everything you’ve created serves as proof of what you lost when your family kicked you out. You deserve all the success. I want a simple life. We were always back to this unresolved conflict. We’re too different,” I explained to his shaking head.
“What I’ve accomplished was for the benefit of you. The money I’ve earned and the life I’ve provided was all with you in mind. Rock climbing isn’t cheap. The gear and trips come with a cost. Yet, I’ve rarely been invited to go with you.”
I laughed right in his face. “You were invited, but I got tired of the constant rejections. And my hobbies are far cheaper than the cars you keep buying,” I shot out, my willingness to compromise was fading fast. Fuck him for bringing up the activities that kept me sane through all the hours I spent alone. Fishing and climbing were literally all I had anymore.
“Beau.” Dash sighed, clearly frustrated with me. I sensed the way he insinuated that I was being foolish. Fuck him for making me feel inferior yet again. “We’ve made commitments to one another. We are meant to be together.”
I shook my head, remembering who he and I were right now, not the past. “We were kids who settled into life like middle-aged men. We’ve never dated anyone else. We’ve drifted apart because we are opposites in every way. I need time to sort out my life, manage my bills, and live within my means. I want to know what it feels like to be independent.” I was seconds away from saying that I couldn’t live with the complications and manipulations of a lawyer when tears developed in Dash’s eyes.
“While all that may be true, I can’t bear the thought of losing you,” he said. I didn’t disagree. I’ve mourned him these last couple of days. “Please, give me something to hold on to. Some glimmer of hope.”
I watched the tears gather enough momentum to roll down his cheeks. Oh, that was too much to see. My head hung low, and my eyelids shut. I caused his pain, just like I caused my own. It didn’t change the fact that he and I had grown apart, and I placed the blame squarely on him. I had remained basically the same person I’d always been.
Dash inched closer to me and leaned in, his fingers intertwining with mine. The tender grasp felt both familiar and secure. And those feelings turned out to be a facade. Dash hurt because he’d lost. After all the years of fighting for his clients, he’d become a man who’d lost sight of what life looked like. He wanted me to go back to Chicago, and sit in that house alone, waiting for him to eventually return. I refused to be a possession again.
“We need some time apart. Emotion can’t dictate this decision. You need to really consider what’s important to you. I do too. It’s unfair of me to ask you to live the life I want to live.”
“Please,” Dash whispered. I simply shook my head, proud of myself for standing up for myself no matter how much I wished life hadn’t turned out the way it had. “Then how long, Beau? How much time do you need?”
“I’m not sure.” When I noticed the pain break his strict control over his face, I relented. Certainly with time he’d fall back into his life without me in it. “Give it a year. We can reevaluate our lives one year from now.”
Dash let go of a sigh and wiped away his tears, squeezing my hand tighter than before. “And this is where you want to live?”
“It’s the first place where I truly felt happy being myself. I need to get back there…the understanding who I am part. I won’t go on the side of town where the resort is, but I’d like to maybe buy or rent a place close to the bay. I’m not sure. You have to give me time to find out who I am,” I said.
He remained quiet, I saw the urge to argue bubbling just beneath the surface, but he held it in, only giving a single nod. “I’ve only ever wanted your happiness. I want to be able to communicate with you.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. You’ve been at my back, taking care of everything, since the first time I saw you. I feel like we need a clean break.”
Dash wiped his cheek while releasing my hand. Not a single word was said. It was weird for him to give so easily. He left my room, shutting the door snugly. Wow. I collapsed onto the edge of the bed. That conversation may have been the hardest one of my life. Did I truly mean what I’d said? Yeah, I did. My convictions were firming up.
Did that mean Dash was permanently out of my life? Maybe. Probably. It crushed my heart to think such a thing. At least I developed a plan for my future. My sole focus was on progressing, definitely not the striking blue eyes of the man I loved. First thing on the list was a shower, then I needed to find a job. After that, who knew? Maybe finding a house to live in. On my short walk to the en suite bathroom, I considered getting a dog. I’d always wanted one.
Dash
One week later
I was utterly uninspired. My vibrance had vanished. Of course, I was aware of it, but it seemed everyone in the office noticed too. It didn’t matter though. Beau brought happiness and normalcy to my life. Two qualities I cherished, now gone, maybe forever. Perhaps I needed a counselor. Eventually, I’d seek one out. Maybe.
In front of my desktop, I stared at the screen, my fingers poised to type, but my thoughts were solely on Beau. What was Beau doing right now? Had his job allowed him to transfer? He certainly had enough money to pursue his dreams. Once I sold our assets, I’d ensure his share went to him. Maybe I’d talk him into a high-yield savings account.
I loved Beau deeply. He was my breath, my wings, my reason for living. How was I ever going to live without him? Well, I refused to find out.
“Is this serious?” Angela, the firm’s managing partner, asked from my open office door.
I needed more context than the piece of paper she held in her hand. “About what?”
“You know exactly what I mean.” She stepped further into my office, prompting me to abandon what I was doing on the computer.
“My resignation?” I asked. “Then yes. It’s serious.”
Her penetrating gaze, a trait common among lawyers, seemed to bore right through me. Since it didn’t affect me, I waited as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m disappointed in you.”
I barked out a harsh laugh. “You’ll have to get in line. The number of people disappointed in me is growing.”
She found no humor in the situation whatsoever. I took a centering inhale then exhaled slowly, hoping to manage the sudden bout of anxiety. “I’ll stay on until we get my clients reallocated. The contracts that have me listed as a requirement, I’ll talk to them.” Which was a lie, I wanted them to go with me as I started my own practice.
“Dash, you’re an exceptional talent, one of our very best hires. What does it take to get you to stay?” Angela leaned against my desk, her knuckles resting on the top as she stared down at me.
“I genuinely love my job, but I can’t live without Beau. My life’s with him by my side. I’m sorry,” I said with finality.
“I’ll talk to him,” she offered.
“Please don’t. I’ll be available to answer questions or to consult with anyone,” I said, ready for this conversation to be over. My fingers went to the keyboard again, poised to type. She didn’t leave.
“Who do you recommend take your clients?” she asked.
“Donna Abrams. We’re very similar people,” I said. “She hustles and deserves the leg up.”
“Let me talk with the partners. Does Lon know?”
“I suspect so.” I said before I took the week off.
“Richmond,” Lon barked from his office three doors down from me. I saw Penny flinch at the outburst. Her concerned gaze sought mine.
“I see he’s learned,” Angela remarked with a smirk. With reluctance, I got to my feet and started out of my office, Angela on my tail.
“Don’t forget to bring up Donna,” she said with an air of humor and elitism. I glanced over my shoulder at that remark, trying to read between whatever lines she had going. What was wrong with Donna? The answer was inconsequential. My plans were already in motion. I was relocating to Sea Springs. My year of solitude didn’t imply that I wouldn’t be around him. Maybe, after a couple of months apart he’d want me back. It could happen. Maybe?