Chapter 22 #2
“I get that you want everything for me, Kat. But it’s also only day fucking one.
And I don’t want everything to come down crashing so soon because the guys that I have to practice with and play with and share a locker room with aren’t as accepting as you.
I don’t want to have to find out that, as much as I believed they’d have my back, this is something that only gets them turning their backs on me. ”
“ They don’t get to make that call,” Kat replies. “You realize it’s bigger than them or Vale, right? It’s you . It’s you and the future you deserve. They shouldn’t get to be in between that.”
“But they do.” My arms come up and cross over my chest as I rock my feet back and forth. Just thinking about it, picturing so many faces, makes my lungs tighten.
Because that is the reality of this life: everyone gets a say before I do when it comes to this.
“Our people love the game. I love the game. But if I went out there, as an openly bi keeper, what do you think would happen? Because I know.” My finger presses into my chest, over my heart when I tell them. And I look right at them, wanting them to hear me. To know how in a corner I’ve got myself.
“Look what happened to that player from Florida. Think about our people. We’ve heard about those crowds and their homophobic chants.
How FIFA had to threaten M é xico fans to make them stop being openly homophobic.
Just last week, they were getting in trouble again for their chants.
And you think it’s only on that side of the border?
If I were to end up with LAFC or on some other MLS team, that Mexicans here wouldn’t have something to say?
They all see a specific type of person when they think of a footballer, and it’s not a guy who’s crushing on guys.
My options for my future would be cut in half the moment I came out.
Maybe even more than that. I don’t have a choice about this. ”
“Well, you kinda do,” they say back all matter-of-factly. “You’re choosing to let them win. You’re choosing to do your best to play nice when they don’t deserve that from you.”
“You don’t understand the cards I’ve been dealt.
I get that maybe you out of anyone I know might be able to relate to some of it, but still.
You don’t get to say that so easily as if this is something I’m doing happily.
As if I’m not doing this because I care about Vale, and I don’t want him to get caught up in the kind of hate I’d get. ”
“I know, Gabo, but I say it trying to make sure you realize just how phenomenal you are. Because you’re only seeing half of it.
This ching ó n, first gen, from some city in Texas no one even knows anything about except for Selena, could be someone who makes football cool up here.
You’re going to be a person lots of kids want to be.
You’re choosing to let them win not just when it comes to Vale, but when it comes to you.
When it comes to the queer brown kids looking for their place on a pitch that come after you. And that’s what hurts me most, Chivo.”
“But it’s not just me now. If I was single and realizing I was bi, sure, maybe it’d be different.
If we were seniors right now, and I was team captain, looking at handfuls of offers, then there might be a clear path forward.
But maybe not.” My fists clench, and the words start coming out harsh.
Hitting that point where I’m arguing and it’s turning into wanting to cry.
All the shitty truths and reminders that I’m powerless here are like a fist squeezing my entire body.
“And if anything ever happened to Vale—” Yeah, really struggling to hold in those tears.
Hypotheticals that feel really real play in my head, taunting me.
“If anyone ever said anything to him because they hate us, if someone hurt him and I couldn’t do anything about it, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. ”
“So, then what?”
“For as long as I have him, I want him to myself, without anyone else getting a say in it. They can think they control me and my choices, but they don’t get him. They can have me when I step on a pitch, and I can be who they expect me to be, but that’s it.”
Kat grabs one of my fisted hands, unclenching it and holding it between both of theirs.
“Don’t think I don’t see where you’re coming from or that I’m here to invalidate your fears, but you feeling like you’ve got no option except to hide yourself hurts me .
You can say this all now, but when tomorrow comes and you actually do have to go and pretend to be someone you aren’t just for them, I know it’s going to hurt you too.
How do you expect this to work long term? ”
“It’s not like we’ve never been hurt before. Played through an injury.”
“Well I wish I could fight everyone who’s the reason you feel that way. I wish I knew how to fix it. Because I would. You need to know that some of us are here ready to fight for you.”
I give them a soft nod as I tell them, “I know. I know you would.”
And when Kat comes in for a hug, I do cry.
I cry for how great being with Vale felt. How I want even more. I cry for all those moments when I realized I was crushing on him and how right it felt. I cry for a future that requires me to drop some parts of myself and hand over the rest.
For the first time in my entire life, my future doesn’t seem so golden.
Pops told me to reach for those moments, especially the tough ones. This, though, is feeling like a lose-lose situation.
“I’m not saying any of this to put you down, okay?
” Kat tells me, still holding on to me. “Or to put Vale down. You’ve got me in your corner.
Always. The both of you. And y’all are big boys; you can make your own choices.
But I know that, one day, some guy’s going to be on a pitch, representing all those little boys who don’t feel like they fit in with this sport.
Changing the hearts and minds of a lot of people who care way too much about what guy players are doing in their free time.
Because, and I hate to break it to them, football is gay as fuck. Sports in general are gay as fuck.”
“I’m not brave enough to let it be me.” I want to be a hero, even if just for myself, but I don’t see where I win or how to defeat the bad guys.
“Nah, you are. Not only that, you’re good enough to make anyone who says you don’t belong eat their words.
You’re smart, Chivo. And you’re a GOAT in the making for a reason.
It doesn’t have to be you, but why not you?
Because, truth is, out of everyone in the house, me included, you’re the one who’s going to run all the way with this.
You’re going to be the one people remember.
I know that one day I’ll see you on TV, probably in a finals match for a World Cup.
Or, who knows, maybe I’ll be in the stands.
And Gabo, my biggest wish for you is that I get to smile with pride seeing you there instead of pitying you.
That, when I see you, I see someone who never compromised any part of himself instead of knowing what you gave up to be there.
Or, not even that. Knowing what every punk-ass little bitch made you believe you had to give up to be there and seeing you spit it back at them.
It’s not their journey, Gabo. It’s yours. You can—”
“Gabo!” a voice yells from the other side of the pitch. Pinche —it’s P é rez. “Kat! What are y’all doing out here? And why were y’all hugging without me?”
“I know what you said,” Kat tells me quietly as P é rez jogs over. “But, I’m just saying, Orlando’s come to bat for me more times than I’d honestly like him to. I know he’d be cool about this. He’d have your back. All your roommates would.”
“I’m not trying to make it their problem.”
“ It’s not a problem. Gab— I promise you, there’s a world where you realize it’s the opposite of a problem.”
“Okay. Sure. But, either way I’m not telling P é rez. It’s two totally different situations. He’s not on your team. Your room isn’t right above his.”
“I get that. I do. But I felt the need to defend him. For my own peace of mind. As wild as he is literally every minute he’s awake and even when he’s asleep too, he’s a good guy.
” Kat pats my back, turning toward P é rez, giving him a soft smile that turns into a “Fucking Orlando” and a breath of a laugh when he says, “Watch this,” and tries to do a somersault but lands dirty, letting out a pained oof as his back and ass hit the ground.
“They all are,” Kat says, whispering to me. “Your whole house would fight for you. But he’d be a solid start.”
I take a deep breath in, slowly letting it out through my nose before putting a foot of distance between us. “Fine. I’ll think about it. But no one else on the team. Not yet.”
“Whatever you want, Chivo.”
“’Ey!” P é rez says, holding his hand out for high fives from both us. “Thanks for the invite, fam. What’s going on? I was thinking of going to get some tacos and was looking for y’all; see if you wanted to come with, and—hold up. Have you been crying, Gabo?”
“I—what?”
“Your eyes are red and your whole face”—his hand circles his own head as he talks— “looking kinda rough. You okay?”
I glance at Kat, who’s looking at me, their eyes repeating I know he’d be cool about this .
I want to believe them. And having someone on the team know, it would make this feel a little less lonely. So, letting out a deep breath, I tell him. “I’m bi.”
P é rez immediately goes quiet and stops talking about whatever else he had to say about tacos, but he doesn’t look angry.
A little surprised, for sure, but that’s it.
“I’m bisexual. And Vale and I, we’re boyfriends.
I like him. A lot. So we’re going to try this out, the two of us.
And this is me telling you I’m bi, for, like, the third time now and don’t tell anyone.
Please. We’re mostly keeping this between the two of us, and I guess now you two. And—”
“Gabo. Gabo. Pi n a ,” P é rez yells, finally getting my attention. “Damn. Finally. Breathe, bro.”
He comes in closer to me, our sides pressing against each other, and his arm goes around my shoulders, his other hand to my chest, patting at my heart.
I look at Kat, who gives me a soft smile and a nod.
A sign that I can breathe. That the world didn’t end.
That, at least, right now, everything’s okay.
“You’re good, papi. We’re good. Yeah? At least, so far. If I find out you’ve been keeping this from me for weeks, then I’m going to feel a little betrayed.”
“No, it— I mean, I’ve been trying to keep this from myself, honestly. How I’ve felt a type of way about him for a while, and that I actually have also felt a type of way for a couple guys in my life, and I can admit that now, and it feels good to. But we talked it out this morning—”
“Is that all y’all did?”
My eyes go wide, staring at P é rez. “Why, did you hear us?”
“What?” he asks, his face as confused as mine is horrified.
“I—nothing. No. Stop being cochino. We didn’t—we did some stuff, yeah, but we didn’t go all the way and—why am I even telling you this?”
“It’s fine, you can tell me you rocked his world, even if y’all only got to third base. I can see it in your face. My boy might be stopping goals on the pitch, but in the bedroom, any hole’s a goal, huh?”
“You’re a fucking idiot, P é rez.” And, as much as I try to give him a glare, I’m all smiles because, yeah, my face is going to tell all the stories I won’t say out loud.
I like not having to be ashamed of this.
Still, “I’m not getting into this right now.
I’ve already told you more than you need to know. ”
“Pues, next time then. Anyway, if you’re done crying, like I was saying, tacos?”
“ Te’l hocico, bro . Let’s go get your pinche tacos.”
“Cool. Vamonos,” P é rez says as he lets me go. “Oh, but first, should we get a group a huevo on three for the culture? For the they/thems and the bisexuals and the guys who love them?”
I shake my head, laughing, but still, a hand goes out toward his. “Fine. Let’s go.”
“One,” we start. I look up from our hands to Kat and P é rez’s faces. Their eager, promising smiles get me hyped up and take my mind away from all the ways this could go wrong. “Two—”
It’ll be okay. It’ll be worth it.
I have to believe that.
“Three.”