115. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
A nya
I don’t know why I’m so tired. I’ve done very little over the last three days but watch Zar-Rynn talk to himself. Well, themselves.
That’s not actually true. I’m their touchstone, their harbor. Zar’s emotions are cast adrift. He’s the most solid, steady person I’ve ever met, but this news on top of the unexpected melding with a symbiont, has put him off balance. I haven’t just been eating bonbons, I’m helping him feel supported.
I imagine the news of his origins is like the thousand-piece puzzle of his life has been dismantled and shaken up. Now he has to put it back together in a new way. What would I feel like if I found out I’d been abducted from a royal family at birth and thrown into the most miserable life imaginable? I wouldn’t be handling it half as well as he is.
We’re in the dining room with all the males and Savannah. She was a marine back on Earth and wouldn’t hear of a war council being held without her.
“Let’s review,” Zar says as he rises from his chair at the head of the table and stalks from one side of the room to the other. “We arrive on Algaron IV under false call letters. Shadow and Dax make their way to the Maylore Spice Company, which is owned by my parents. They—”
“Stop at nothing ,” Dax interrupts, his voice vehement, “to get an audience with your father.”
“If it comes to using your strong arms, so be it, but let’s be clear,” Zar says, “no permanent harm can come to my parents or anyone associated with them.”
We had discussed the direct route—backchannel comms to his family announcing Zar’s presence—but it’s far too risky. This must be done in person, and Zar has to be protected by his best males.
“The Fool’s Errand has to be on red alert the entire time. I want every male and female on board armed and ready to fight or flee at a moment’s notice. Do we understand?” This is Rynn, I think. His demeanor is serious, but doesn’t have quite as hard an edge as Zar. “I want someone within five fiertos of Anya every moment. If anything goes wrong, if the King’s guards feel we’re a threat and decide to attack, no harm can come to my female.” He pierces every person in the room with a glaring gaze.
He’s changed a lot in the days since he disclosed Zar’s history. After moving from complacency to fact-finding mode, he’s now in full-on protection mode. Most of it is focused on me. I bite my cheeks not to smile. What woman, deep in her heart, doesn’t want to know her male is willing to go to any extreme to protect her?
“Dax and Shadow will arrange a meeting, probably several of them, as they move up the chain of command. When King Valeris and Queen Avania agree to meet, we review our protocol to ensure it will be as safe as possible.”
Everyone hashes out details for another hour. As we’re about to disperse, Rynn asks, “How can a warship have so many females on it? It’s not safe.”
Savannah gives him a withering stare, but he continues, “We have two ships, the Fool’s Errand and the Devil’s Playground . In the future, we should consider splitting the ships into a warrior ship and one built for other business. I hate putting non-combatant females at risk.” He glances at Savannah, hoping he’s assuaged her pride. She gives him a curt, accepting nod.
“Although that’s not our first order of business,” Zar says, his tail tight on my ankle, “that is an idea we should pursue.”
When we disperse, we know all this planning will go into effect tomorrow when we touch down on Algaron IV.
We take separate showers and lie in bed, our bodies rigid, our thoughts on our worries.
In some ways, I’ve never felt closer to Zar. We’re working together to change his life for the better. In other ways, we’re as distant as a couple can get.
Zar and Rynn haven’t figured out how they fit together yet. I understand. I don’t believe I would have assimilated another person inside me this quickly, and my temperament is much calmer than Zar’s.
If Rynn weren’t here, we’d have made love a dozen times in the past few days. It would have not only relieved our stress, it would have reconnected us in the way only sexual intimacy can.
They’re spooning me from behind, Rynn gripping my wrist, Zar’s tail curled possessively around my ankle. I’m glad they’re sharing the body this moment as opposed to one of them being inside in what they call the control room. That they’re both out will make what’s about to happen a smidge easier.
I flip on my other side to face them and place my palm on their cheek. Their muscles tighten. I’ve broken the unspoken contract we’ve been following since Zar came back—no face-to-face contact in bed.
“I want to kiss you,” I say, trying to keep my voice flat, not to reveal the extent of my need or that I want this so badly I’m ready to jump out of my skin.
Someone inside tosses his head in the gentlest expression of “no.”
Jerking back, ensuring no part of my body is touching theirs other than my palm on their cheek, I say it again. “A kiss.”
Their eyes flare wide, a silent expression of someone’s fear. Fear of getting too close? Zar’s fear of having to share? Rynn’s fear of Zar’s anger?
“Don’t you want to?” I try to keep my voice from being tempting or seductive. If this is going to go forward, the decision should be made from reason, not lust.
“Aye,” Zar says. “I want so much more than a kiss, Beloved. I just can’t… share.”
I say nothing, hoping the two are hashing things out on the inside. Their flicking ear tells me the answer.
“Rynn, I know you can leave me alone,” Zar’s voice is rough, direct. “When I’ve been upset lately, you’ve left the room. Do that now. Let me have time with my mate.”
A week ago, I might have agreed to this, but I won’t allow it. There’s too much at stake.
“We’re a triad,” I say. “We have to go forward as three. I love you more than life, Zar, but we must make this work in a sustainable way. We can’t push Rynn back every time we get physical. We have to go forward together .”
Zar
I should be worried about tomorrow, about meeting my parents, about keeping every soul on board this ship safe. I’m not. I’m consumed with my beautiful mate who’s less than a handspan away from me in our bed, our mating bed.
I’ve relieved myself several times a day since I returned to my body. It doesn’t satiate me. I want to be inside her. Alone. I’ve never wanted a threesome. The idea of sharing her makes me physically sick.
“It’s been lunars since we’ve slaked our needs together, Anya. Let’s do this, just the two of us, to remind ourselves what it’s like. To reunite. Then maybe later…”
“No, my love. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Rynn can’t start out as a second-rate part of our relationship. We have to find a way to make it work together . I think we should try a kiss.”
Drack . I can’t smooth-talk my Anya. This female knows what she wants. She may even be right, although it doesn’t feel like it.
She’s mine , I tell Rynn.
He’s not here. He’s moved to the command center. It’s where we go for serious discussions. It’s not dimly lit and homey like it is at the bottom of the treehouse. It’s built for thought and concentration. The fucker is smart. He wants me in my logical mind.
I don’t have to climb the steps to get there. I learned how to travel inside as a thought-form. A moment later, we’re both in our captain’s chairs, swiveled to face each other.
He’s grown since I’ve met him. His personality is stronger. Too bad. The male I originally met would have surrendered to my every demand. He stands his ground now, though.
Tell her you don’t want to kiss her. That you don’t want a physical relationship, I say. I haven’t cut off his head in days, but I hope the sheer intensity of my gaze tells him I’m ready to do it again. Not that it hurts him or really makes any difference, but it vents some of my aggression.
All three of us know I want to kiss her. I want much more than that, he says . I’m not going to lie to her, Zar. I showed you what transpired between us, the kiss, the fonesex. It’s not just your cock that’s hard for her. Mine is, too.
I grip the arms of the chair and breathe, trying to convince myself I don’t want to kill him, even though I do.
In through the nose, out through the mouth. I breathe for long moments as my mind casts about for an answer other than the obvious one—to do this together. I can’t imagine another idea that will work.
How would we do it? I ask, defeat in my voice.
I’m not being completely self-serving when I suggest I go first, Rynn says. Maybe not even a kiss. Perhaps a touch to her face. It will allow you to watch, to see if you can tolerate it.
My stomach cramps at the thought.
I don’t think I can do it.
Then let’s wait.
Really? Just like that? We may be what he calls thought-forms as we sit here in our imaginary chairs, but he wants her. I feel his need, his desire, his arousal seeping into me. Yet he’s prepared to wait.
How can you suggest waiting? Don’t you want her? I ask, incredulous.
I’m inside you until this body dies, Zar. We’re in this for the long haul. It has to work. I want us all to be happy. Rushing you isn’t what I want. You may have decapitated me a couple of times, but I care about you and want this to work for you. For us.”
A couple of times? Wasn’t he counting? Anya would say he’s giving me grace. Seeing the good in me even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Tell me this, Rynn. If we’re to take turns, how will it feel to you when I’m driving into her? When I’m balls deep and taking my pleasure?
His response is to smile. Smile!
I will use every skill at my disposal and all the strength of will I possess to find pleasure in your pleasure, Zar.
If this were a real chair, my tightened grip would pull the upholstery off its frame. Instead, the furniture holds steady and I examine my thoughts. First, I look at him. He’s not lying. He’s looking me straight in the eye. He means what he just said.
Take pleasure in my pleasure? I need more information.
How do you feel when Anya has success? he asks.
Fantastic. Her — I was about to say her happiness makes me happy.
Even when she wins when playing a game against you?” he presses.
Yes. Watching her joy is more exciting than if I had won.
He’s just looking at me, waiting for my own words to ring true in my brain. All of a sudden it does. I need to take joy in her joy.
I’ll add one more thing, Zar, Rynn says. Not only will I take pleasure in Anya’s pleasure as I watch her find bliss in your touch. I’ll take pleasure in yours , too.
Silence. Thunderous silence as I absorb that.
I’m not you, Rynn. I was raised a gladiator. To the winner go the spoils. I will never find pleasure in your pleasure.
Try a kiss.
“Not in bed, Anya,” I say out loud, my mind made up. “This isn’t going to be easy. I’m willing to try, but being in bed will make it harder.”
“Of course,” she says with a reassuring smile. She has been patiently waiting for Rynn and me to come to an agreement. Rynn’s right. I need to focus on her pleasure.
We stand and move to the foot of the bed. We’ve taken to wearing pajamas, something we never did before. She has on silky floor-length pants and a shirt that covers up to her neckline and down to her wrists. I’m wearing a loincloth and black pants.
Even with all this clothing, it’s taken enormous willpower not to mount her. Especially in the middle of the night when I’m not fully awake.
She stands, giving me a loving gaze. My tail wraps around her ankle, letting her know who she’s about to engage with.
“Zar.” She smiles. “I love you more than life.”
This soothes me. She won’t be able to say this to Rynn. She may share her lips with him, but she can’t share our history. She can’t love him like she loves me.
I step closer, place my palm on the back of her neck, and close my eyes. Dipping my head closer to her, I breathe in, soaking in the floral scent of her hair. I feel her warmth and know she’s as eager for this kiss as I am.
I’ve waited so long for this. I dreamed of this a million times when I was paralyzed in the dark. It’s such a relief. I feel all of my muscles relax as I hold her tighter.
Rynn’s nearby. He has to be. That was the deal. I try to push away my awareness of him, but I can’t. Then I do the opposite. I literally invite him in. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.
My lips brush Anya’s so softly I think I might die from the bliss of just this innocent touch. Her soft sigh melts my heart. She’s been waiting for this as long as I have. Normally, by now she would have stepped into my embrace, but we’re experimenting. Taking it slow.
“It’s heaven to be in your arms again,” she says, her voice sweet and earnest.
Her words wash over me like a healing balm. If words alone could make this work, what she just said would accomplish the goal.
Her fingers slide through my mane and clutch me close. She’s fully present. I try to be, too, even though I can’t force Rynn’s proximity out of my thoughts.
I kiss her again. Not just gentle brushes of lips on lips, but harder kisses. Ones that make soft smacking noises. My attention may be divided, but Anya’s here with me. She tips her head slightly to have better access to my mouth.
I’m not surprised when it’s Anya who makes the first move to penetrate me. It’s her firm tongue that presses against the seam of my lips, trying to gain access.
When she succeeds, her sigh is louder, deeper than it was before.
“I missed this, Zar. I missed your taste and so much more. Your presence, your body, your love, your laughter. I’m so glad you’re back.”
Her words stop and her tongue flicks against mine. She’s tasting me and memorizing me and welcoming me back. I drink in everything about this moment. Feeling her soft breasts against my chest, her fingers tightening in my mane, her tongue delving, then retreating in invitation for me to invade her.
Her body’s responsiveness calls to me, beckons my arousal. I’ve been hard since I was pulled out of the darkness, but nowhere near this level of lust. It takes all my willpower not to crush her close and grind against her.
I pull back far enough to say, “Did I tell you that time stood still when I was lost? You say I was locked inside my body for lunars . It felt like decades. I would have gone completely insane except for thoughts of you, Anya.”
I make sure she’s looking at me, that she sees the sincerity in my eyes. “I held onto you , Anya. I remembered every word and touch and glance we shared. I stayed strong so I could return to you.”
She pulls me tighter, holding me so hard her muscles shake.
“I’m so glad my beloved male returned to me.”
She kisses me once, twice, three times, then takes the tiniest step back. Damn it, Anya. In her most loving, tactful way, she’s letting me know I need to pass the baton.
I freeze. It’s as if I’m paralyzed. Rynn smartly says nothing. Anya’s simply standing there, her luminous eyes silently urging me to take the next step.
I’ll try. If the future of my relationship with this female is on the line, if everything is riding on this, I’ll try my hardest to do the impossible.
Is it possible? Did you really watch that and only have happiness for me? I hiss at Rynn, wondering how weak and broken this male is that he could endure that and not want to squeeze the life from me.
I did, Zar. Love isn’t a glass of water. It’s not finite. Love is an endless stream. Look at her. Look at the love on her face. The love within her is endless, boundless, infinite. Don’t think of lack when you watch this. Think of her love overflowing. There’s more than enough for both of us.
I remove my tail from her ankle, then mentally step back and float to the command center. I need to watch as dispassionately as possible. I don’t want to behead him during this kiss. Not for his sake, but for Anya’s.
Even from the command center, I can feel his palms—my palms—as they grip her shoulders. Then one hand slides down to circle her wrist.
I can still see through the body’s eyes as he approaches for a kiss. Then it’s black. He’s shuttered his lids so he can better experience this intimacy.
Jealousy flies through me so hot and fast I almost cry out, but I don’t. I have to allow this to play out. I can’t distract him or sabotage this. He—they—need to go forward. How I’ll endure this hell, I have no idea.
He kisses differently than me. More tentative. I scoff. He spent millennia in those spindly necked bodies learning and cataloging facts. He and I are as different as night and day. He could never fulfill my Anya the way I can.
I lean in closer, seeing what it’s like to kiss with such little emotion.
No. He’s not emotionless. He’s using every sense to watch, observe, and learn. This is who Rynn is. A thoughtful male. With every observation, he recalibrates his actions. With every single kiss, he discerns how to give her more of what she wants. He’s so tuned into her, within moments he’s intuiting her every need.
I’m swimming in jealousy as I observe her responses. She’s melting into his embrace, enjoying his kisses.
My jaw is so tight I might crack my imaginary teeth. I have to get control of myself.
Then his words come back to me. How do I take pleasure in her pleasure?
I listen to every little huff of her breath. I feel every squeeze of her hands as she slides her fingers through his fur—our fur.
Am I really so selfish I don’t want her to have this? Do I want her to live with this male for the next decades and hate his touch? Am I so jealous as to be cruel to the female I proclaim I love?
Open your eyes, I urge Rynn.
I think this will be easier if I can watch my Anya.
He complies, and I observe the flush on her cheeks and her fluttering eyelids. I allow myself to feel her tongue inside my mouth. Rynn and I can be separate or together. I can join in this kiss. It’s not right. He left me alone for my kiss. But just for a moment, I slip into this embrace, this melding of mouths.
Anya’s allowing herself to enjoy this. Rynn was right. I’m happy for her. Now, I’m going to increase the level of difficulty. Can I be happy for the male who stole my life from me even though it was unintentional? Stole my mate from me? Even though I can hardly blame him for wanting such an amazing female.
He did choose to save me. He didn’t have to. By the stars, I’m going to try.
I dip my toe in the river of Rynn’s emotions. They’re so powerful I have to step back.
Had I really thought this male was emotionless? Calm, and cool, and too absorbed in facts and figures to be much of a person at all? He’s deeper than me. His emotions seem more complex. This male loves my Anya.
It’s not an approximation of love. Not a pale imitation of love. Rynn loves my Anya with his whole heart.
Having returned to the command center, I lean back in my chair. I must admit, there are tears in my eyes. Jealousy is perhaps the ugliest of all emotions.
I close my eyes, not wanting to watch anymore, not wanting to taste Anya on Rynn’s tongue. I have a quiet, rushed discussion with myself in the privacy of my mind.
I love Anya and there are two choices. For her to be miserable that Rynn is part of her life, or for her to be loved by him. I can tolerate that.
And, I ask myself. For her to love him?
I stop breathing for a moment, then nod my head as I try to get my body, mind, and spirit on board with this idea. Yes. Anya’s right, as usual. The only way for this to work is for them to love each other.
I hope Rynn’s right. I hope her love is deep as a river with no beginning or end. If there’s enough for both of us, perhaps I can learn to tolerate our new situation.
I move closer to Rynn and give him my acceptance. I read a little quote once, “Acceptance doesn’t mean approval.” Acceptance will have to be enough. Right now, it’s all I have to give.