114. Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Seventeen
A nya
I’ve never slept so well—never. Perhaps I took Zar for granted in the past, although I don’t think I did. I was grateful every day for what we shared. But now, after losing him, having his warm, furred body hugging tightly to mine all night? Well, that was sheer heaven.
I ease onto my side and look at him. That fierce face looks so peaceful in sleep. I hope we get our shit together soon. Being this close to him and not being able to express my love physically is going to kill me.
I’m not going to lie. Having sex with two males in one body is going to be weird. I know people have threesomes all the time, but you have to admit the dynamics here are different. Knowing Zar’s inside, begrudging Rynn every touch, every kiss, will hurt my heart. All three of us deserve to be happy.
I think of them as two separate beings. I have to admit I had to turn around to remind myself I didn’t wake up in a tangle of six arms and six legs. It’s just three people in two bodies.
Their eyes pop open and the hand around my wrist tightens—Rynn. He smiles at me in a gesture so sweet, so poignant, it’s touching.
“Sleep well, Anya?”
“Yep, and you?”
“The best night of my life,” he says simply.
I don’t have to ask why. It’s obvious. He loved holding me. I can’t lie. I loved it too.
Zar’s tail squeezes my ankle. How about that? The three of us are cuddling.
“I have a proposal,” I announce. “I’d like to contact Maddie and see if she’ll have someone bring us food for the next couple of days. I wondered if we could stay here and work on things. Kind of like a honeymoon without the sex.” I can’t hide my sardonic frown.
“You’ll get no complaints from me, mate,” says Zar. “I can catch up with the rest of my life later. I’d love to spend time with you.”
“And Rynn,” I add.
Zar’s eyebrow lifts as he reminds me, “He and I don’t have to be locked in this cabin together. We do everything together as it is. Including taking a piss. Come on, Rynn.”
He rolls off the bed and heads to the bathroom. I wonder how long it will take before he’s no longer salty with his roommate.
An hour later we’ve showered—separately—and are sitting at the little table in our cabin and tucking into the mountain of food Shadow brought. Not only did he bring sustenance, he brought a sincere apology delivered not to Zar, but to Rynn. Wow. The Shadow I met years ago wouldn’t have apologized to anyone for any reason. He’s come a long way.
I’m clueing in to subtle tells about who’s in control of the body. The person eating with unrestrained gusto? Zar. He didn’t eat for months and seems to be making up for lost time.
The person who’s now toying nervously with his food? Rynn.
When we’ve finished eating and have set our plates on the floor outside our door, Rynn sits, pats the seat across from him, and says, “We need to talk.”
Crap. I’ve always maintained those are the four worst words in the English language.
He scrubs his face with his hand, then toys with the tuft of hair on his chin. Whatever’s coming is going to be bad. He’s telegraphing just how bad by how long he’s stalling.
“Spit it out already,” I tell him.
If anything, this makes him delay longer. “It’s not you I’m worrying about,” he says.
Zar’s tail grabs my ankle. I’m not certain whether it’s to reassure me or to use me as a lifeline. Rynn slips his hand into mine.
Zar
Sentient minds are an interesting thing. Since humanoid brains take annums to fully develop, early memories are lost. The memories are all in there, they just aren’t accessible to you, Rynn begins. His anxiety is so high it’s seeping into me.
As an outsider, I can rummage in my hosts’ minds and dig deeper, go farther back than even they can.
He takes a deep breath and pauses.
Keep talking, I urge. In my experience, dawdling doesn’t make things easier.
Early in the meld, I looked at all your memories. It is part of the protocol and is actually why the Council removed me from my duties. They deemed your traumatic history too disturbing to allow me to do my job dispassionately. They believed it would affect my world view. As a side note, they were right. I certainly believe slavery should be abolished even more than I did before.
Get on with it already.
There are things I saw from your childhood that will disturb you. You do not have access to these memories, but I can give them to you. They’re distressing, but the choice is yours.
You obviously, I begin internally, then speak out loud for Anya’s benefit. “You obviously think I should know about this or you wouldn’t have brought it up.”
“Yes.”
“Then spit it out already.” I wonder if my symbiont has a flair for the dramatic. What could he tell me that I haven’t already imagined? What type of mother sells her child into a lifetime of slavery? A prostitute or a drug addict. Or, as I’ve long suspected, a drug-addicted prostitute. This will hardly be a surprise.
“You were the child of King Valeris and Queen Avania, the rulers of planet Ton’arr.”
I sag into my chair, all my muscles going limp. I take over the body without argument and now it’s my hand holding Anya’s. I’m squeezing her tightly even as I keep my eyes closed and play Rynn’s words over in my head.
Say it again, I urge.
“You heard me correctly, Zar. You were born a prince, the heir to the throne.”
I don’t know how long the room is silent. Rynn pulled his consciousness far from mine, so I could be alone with my thoughts.
I’ve spent my whole life getting comfortable with what I assumed were the humblest of origins. A prince? That certainly never crossed my mind.
Shaking my head, I ask, “What do I do with this information? It changes nothing.”
Anya slides into my lap, her hip nestling against my belly, one arm around my neck. She’s the perfect partner, somehow knowing instinctively I need her close to keep me tethered.
“I’ve had lunars to think this through,” Rynn says. “You’ve had minimas . You have choices. You’re right, this information can change nothing. On the other hand, this could change your life.”
“How?”
“I’m a researcher by both temperament and trade. I’ve crawled through the Database. I can share information with you now, or later, or never. Or you can do the research yourself. You may not trust me, Zar, and I know you don’t much like me, but I want you to be happy. I’ve messed up your life enough. I want to help. Tell me what you want.”
I bite back the words that are on my tongue. I want to tell him to leave, to give me time and space to process this information. Not only is that impossible, it’s not nice.
“Tell me what you think I need to know,” I tell him.
“My unique position allows me to look at memories you can’t recall, but everything is filtered through the eyes of an infant. It’s not clear. I’ll show the memories as I received them and narrate for Anya.”
I see a Ton’arr female looking at me in the singular way I’ve only experienced once before. It’s the expression in Anya’s eyes that loudly telegraphs how much she loves me. It’s as if my heart is being squeezed in a vise to watch this, to know there was a being in the galaxy who loved me, who wanted me from the moment I was born.
To think I had this, that it was my birthright, and it was stolen from me for thirty-five annums until I met my mate. So cruel.
Now I’m pressed to my mother’s teats, being rocked. Over her shoulder, I see the same expression on a male’s face. He’s serious. The white flash of his fangs, except for the adoring look in his eyes, would have frightened anyone. To think I was cherished by both a father and a mother makes me grind my teeth at the depth of my loss.
That they were highborn means nothing. The expression on their faces, the obvious love in their hearts, it’s agonizing to think this was stolen from me—and them.
Images are rushed after this. I imagine Rynn is pacing this for my comfort, speeding through the difficult things, so I can glean the information without feeling the emotions. I have to keep reminding myself what a good male he is.
I watch as what must be a lady’s maid scurries through hallways, down stairways, and takes me into a boat. I slept and fussed and at one point she pinched my nose to make me stop crying and shut up. That was the beginning of my training to shove all my emotions deep inside and learn to be compliant.
A pouch, evidently money, changes hands, and I’m whisked away by a male, then hovered, then taken aboard a space vessel. I’m carried to a stark room with cribs where my enslavement began in earnest.
“I don’t need to watch more,” I say, my voice so soft and hollow it doesn’t sound like me. “I know the horrors heaped upon me in all the ludi they imprisoned me in after that. I don’t need a replay.”
I set my chin on the top of Anya’s springy curls and rock her. No. I’ll be honest. I’m not rocking her, I’m comforting myself.
She strokes the back of my neck with her fingers. She and Rynn allow me my thoughts. Good. I have many to sort through.
Anya
We move to the bed and spoon in a position we’ve seldom used before. I’m behind him, my arm snugged across his chest, my lips on the back of his head, my leg slung over his hip. I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but his body has to know I’ve got him covered. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.
Shadow brings lunch, but I call from the bed, instructing him to set it on the floor in the hallway. When he brings dinner, I wait until he leaves it, then bring it in and put it on the table. Zar might want to eat later.
When I join him in bed, he turns me around and spoons me from behind.
“Tell me what you found on the Database,” he whispers, talking to Rynn and keeping me in the loop.
“That same day, there was a coup, organized by your uncle Kato. I’m sorry to tell you, your parents were presumed dead.” There’s something about Rynn’s voice that hints at something more.
“Just say it, Rynn,” Zarr chides.
“It’s my own repository that makes me doubt this information. The facts inside my mind are stored and collated differently than the Intergalactic Database computers. Every fact in my mind has been collected and curated by me. I see things in a way the Database can’t present it. It’s just a theory, mind you—”
“Rynn! Don’t make me lop off your head again!”
Again? I’ll have to ask about that another time.
“I’ve had little to do since I was relieved of my duties by the Council. I imagine I overstepped my bounds, but I’ve been researching your origins for lunars . I believe your parents escaped, then hopped planets until they felt safe. My theory is they made a home on Algaron IV.”
“Explain.”
“I tracked shipping documents, travel records of distant relatives, and enquiries about a certain Ton’arr slave. If my research is correct, I believe they escaped the coup staged by your Uncle Kato with little more than the clothes on their backs and a handful of jewels.
“They started an import/export business and did well for themselves. Many loyalists supported them—still support them if my hunch is correct.
“Zar,” Rynn continues, “I think they never believed you were dead.”
Zar looks at me and presses his palm to my cheek.
“Just like your beloved Anya never stopped looking for you. After decades of searching, they were on their way to Hyperion with the aim of buying you when you overthrew your masters and commandeered their ship.”
My stomach feels like it sometimes does on the launch into hyperspace when you feel like you leave your guts behind. I’m the one who masterminded the insurrection. If I hadn’t done that, might he have been reunited with his parents three years ago? Did I fuck everything up?
“I know what you’re thinking, mate,” Zar says between kisses on my head. “Nothing could be better than the last three annums with you. Nothing.”
Changing his tone, he asks, “Do you know where they are on Algaron IV?”
“No, but I’m pretty sure I can figure it out. If that’s what you want,” Rynn replies.
“Anya, I know you wanted us to stay locked in the cabin for a few days, but I’d like to get back on the bridge.” This is Zar. His tail tightens on my ankle. “I want to find out what’s on our itinerary, and cancel whatever’s not necessary so we can make our way to Algaron IV.”
“Absolutely,” I say. I’m buoyant, filled with hope. Rynn’s appearance stole something from my mate. I wonder if this new information might fill that gap and, dare I hope, give him more than he’s ever had before.