Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
SEVEN
My wrists are red from the manacles Caleb used on me.
I keep staring at them, pressing down on them, trying to remember the weightless feeling from last night, but the only thoughts that swirl around in my head are Havoc and Vortex and her.
“Seven?” Nat asks, startling me back to attention. “Are you playing blackjack or not?”
For once, I don’t feel like playing, but I don’t know what else to do with myself. Staying upstairs in my room alone isn’t appealing, and I don’t feel like seeing either Havoc or Vortex. I haven’t answered their text messages asking if I’m all right even though my first instinct is to placate them.
To lie .
I can’t ask Caleb to take more time away from work, which means I’m utterly alone.
“I’ll finish this round,” I tell them, but I’m already mentally checked out, and I go bust without even thinking about it. I sigh, but I don’t feel the usual frustration that envelops me when I lose on Caleb’s tab. “Thanks,” I tell Nat .
They nod, and I can see that they want to say something, but they don’t.
I get up from the table, not knowing where to go. I don’t want to be surrounded by people, but I don’t want to be alone. There aren’t many options.
I think about trying to pester one of the bartenders into serving me even though I know they’ll insist all over again on seeing the ID I still haven’t gotten.
I head for the bar anyway, only to stop in my tracks when I see Duncan and Linda at the bar. Even from this angle, I can see that they’re smiling, laughing.
I hate them for it.
I hate myself even more, though, so I slip away before they can notice me.
I end up on the fifth floor lounge in Caleb’s private area, far enough away from people that I go unnoticed but close enough to where I think I won’t feel so alone.
I’m wrong, though. If anything, I feel more alone watching people chat and enjoy their vacations at the Roi.
Why didn’t you leave before?
Havoc’s questions, his judgment, keep stabbing into me. Every time I think I’ve forgotten, I feel that condemnation again.
The door isn’t locked .
I barely ever checked. How many times was the door unlocked, and I didn’t try to leave? How many times could I have walked out and nobody would have noticed?
It was only 21 steps. I could have walked it easily.
Sometimes the clients left the door propped open. She’d look at me through the crack in the door and smile, and I’d be so happy that she was pleased with me, or so terrified of what would happen if I tried to fight, that I didn’t even try.
Baby, what are you rattling on the doorknob for? You know I hate it when you cause a scene.
I bite my lip, closing my eyes against the tears .
Don’t cry, baby. You don’t look pretty when you cry. And you want to look pretty, don’t you?
No. No, I hadn’t wanted to look pretty. I’d wanted to cry it out, to ruminate and feel, but I’d been a good boy. I’d been everything she’d wanted. Even when someone had offered to take me out of there, I’d smiled and told him that I was happy.
That I didn’t want to go anywhere.
That everything was fine even as my heart had broken because someone had seemed to care.
He’d used me anyway, in the end.
I still hadn’t left.
I guess I’m a dumb idiot after all for waiting as long as I had to finally act.
Even Vortex had seemed more concerned with needling and insulting Havoc than he had with helping me. For all that he’d pulled me into his arms, his words had been directed at Havoc. He hadn’t wanted to talk about what had happened, about how he’d gone and told Caleb that he’d felt like I’d pushed him into having sex.
Guilt gnaws at me.
How could I ever be that person?
The worst part is that I’d do it again. I’d push and wheedle and beg for something familiar to get through the pain, and it’s not fair to them.
It’s not fair to me, either, is it? How can they expect me to deal with all of this when I’m drowning?
I find myself eyeing the balcony again, but I’m not sure five floors would do the trick. No, for that I’d have to go upstairs and stare down at the city. I wonder what it would be like. Would I be frightened as I fell? Would I even have time to think before I was a smear on the ground?
Once the shock and horror had abated, would anyone even notice I was gone?
I realize I’ve started to scratch at my arms, my sharp fingernails digging into my skin, but I don’t bother to stop. No one’s paying attention to me, and so what if I bleed a little?
No one will care.
Well. Maybe Caleb will, but he’ll only be upset that he hadn’t been the one to cause me the pain, and that isn’t fair. He keeps saying it’s my body, but it isn’t.
I think about calling him anyway, but he has an entire casino to run — on top of the mafia dealings he doesn’t discuss with me because I’m too fragile. He has better things to do than try to help me while I’m a broken disaster.
My nails dig deeper into my skin, breaking the surface, but it doesn’t bring me the comfort I need so badly. I’m starting to feel numb, though, and numb is better than the bitter pain and despair.
I stare more intently out over the balcony, though. Maybe five floors is enough to end me without letting me feel scared for too long. Then my family can never take me back. Then I don’t have to deal with Havoc’s judgment or Vortex’s inability to deal with me or even Caleb’s determination to keep me.
I haven’t forgotten his threats to let word get out about me, and while I know he was bluffing now — and I know that it’s too late anyway — I still think about it sometimes.
I get up and walk over to the balcony. I grip the railing and stare down at the street, where cars are slowly moving along the main avenue. It’s the middle of the day, bright and beautiful. The tables out here are packed with casino guests and tourists.
None of them are paying any attention to me.
Nobody expects me to do anything at all.
I lean over the railing, and the ground below is hard concrete. I’d be a beautiful red smear.
I just have to?—
“Hey, kid!” a familiar voice asks, and I startle, letting go of the railing and stepping away. It’s Trent, giving me a strange smile. “You okay there, kid?”
I spin around and stare at him, wishing I had long sleeves so I could yank them down and hide the evidence of what I’d been doing. He’s never going to believe I’m okay, and I put my arms behind myself even though it makes me look guiltier.
Leave me alone , I want to say.
“Yeah. I was just…” I trail off because I don’t even have an excuse. “Looking,” I finish lamely.
“Seven, right?” Trent says. He gets closer to me, resting his arms against the railing. “I told Lori about that cartoon you were watching. She was really excited to try it. I’ve been hearing martial arts lawyers every time I get home.”
I nod, searching for words but unable to find them. I want him to go away, to leave me to this, but he isn’t budging.
He probably doesn’t want the drama of Caleb’s boyfriend throwing himself off the ledge while people are watching.
I should do it quietly, upstairs and alone where no one can find me before it’s too late. Stupid. I should’ve done that to begin with instead of acting without thinking.
“Oh, while I’ve got you here. It’s Caleb’s birthday soon. I know the guy’s got everything, and he doesn’t want a present from me, but Lori wants to do something nice for her uncle. You got any ideas?” Trent winks at me. “Something appropriate for the kids, though.”
I stare at him like that’ll give him the hint, but he’s settled against the railing now, making it clear he’s here for the long haul. To excuse myself and move, I’d have to take my arms out from behind my back, and he’d see .
Why had I been so stupid?
“I don’t know,” I finally say. I realize I don’t know Caleb as well as I should, given the fact that I’ve already been here for a few months, and I don’t know what to give him that he can’t already get. “I need to… use the bathroom,” I tell him, trying to edge away from him. “Sorry.”
“Oh, me too,” Trent says, pushing off from the railing. “Let’s go. Maybe I can buy you a coffee after, and we can figure out what I can buy for Lori to give to Caleb.”
I nod, bewildered, even though I don’t want him anywhere near me. Thankfully the lounge has single occupancy restrooms, and I shut the door on Trent.
Once the door is locked, I slide down onto my haunches and wrap my arms around my knees, breathing hard. I want to cry, but I keep hearing her voice in my head. I don’t know how I’ll escape Trent if he thinks I’m crying, either. I sort of miss Grant, the previous general manager, because he absolutely would not have cared about any of this.
My head thuds against the wall behind me as I sit back, and I stare out over the bathroom. I wonder how long I have to be in here before Trent takes the hint and leaves.
I look around. It’s nice and clean, but I don’t see anything I can use to hurt myself. The trash can doesn’t look heavy enough to shatter the mirror, and I don’t know if I can punch hard enough to do it either.
I tug down at my sleeves even though they aren’t nearly long enough to hide the damage I did mostly by accident.
I don’t know what to do.
I’ve felt helpless before, but never this desperate and miserable and terrified. This goes beyond anything I’ve ever known, and I want it to stop .
Somebody knocks on the door.
“Seven, pet? Open the door,” Caleb says sharply.
My heart drops into my stomach. I’ve gone and interrupted him again, and he sounds pissed. I don’t blame him. If I was him, I’d be mad at me, too.
I’m a nuisance and a failure, and I wish he would let me have this.
I should get up and open the door, but I stay sitting there because my limbs feel heavy and immovable for completely different reasons than they usually do with Caleb. I don’t think I could walk if I tried.
I hear a loud sigh. “Seven, I’m going to unlock the door if you don’t come out,” Caleb says .
It takes everything I have to drag myself up to my feet, and I go to the door before quietly unlocking it. I stare up at him, not even bothering to try to hide my arms now. He’s going to see one way or another, and this is probably already causing a scene he doesn’t want.
God, why isn’t he too sick of me to bother by now?
Caleb meets my gaze and nods slowly. “Do you want to go upstairs, or do you want to stay in the lounge?”
“Upstairs,” I whisper. I don’t want to have this conversation in public, not when I’m already on the verge of losing my shit.
I’m beyond pathetic. Maybe now he’ll see it.
But then what? Havoc and Vortex — and my heart clenches at the thought of them — keep promising they’ll never let my family have me, but maybe it would be better.
It would be familiar.
I never had to worry about the unknown. I had always known exactly where I stood, and while it had been horrible at times, it hadn’t always been bad.
Liar .
Caleb steps aside so I can exit the bathroom. I stop when I see Havoc and Vortex at the end of the hall, talking to Trent.
I whimper and shake my head. “Here,” I say quickly. “I don’t want to go upstairs.”
If we go upstairs, Havoc and Vortex will yell at me again. They’ll tell me how dumb I am, they’ll want to know why I would do anything so stupid .
“All right,” Caleb answers. He places his arm around my shoulder and leads me toward Havoc and Vortex.
Trent gives me a strange smile. “Guess you really had to go, huh.” He holds up his phone. “Why don’t you give me your phone number, and I can put you and Lori in touch? She’d love to chat about cartoons with somebody.”
“Anime,” Caleb corrects, exasperated. “But that might be a good idea. Lori can talk about her shows for hours.” He squeezes my shoulders. “Only if you want to though. ”
I’m not ready for that, and I know it, but I nod and recite my phone number for Trent even as I stay rigid at Caleb’s side instead of relaxing into his touch. Trent types it into his phone, and a few seconds later my phone buzzes.
“I texted you her number too. Lori Spade—because her mother insisted Lori get the Spade name.” Trent laughs. “Feminists, am I right?”
Havoc coughs into his hand. “Or because Spade is a better name than yours.”
“It’s certainly more prestigious.” Caleb squeezes my shoulder once more. “Anyway, Trent, I think Brendan was looking for you. He has a concern about one of the dealers.”
Trent stares at him blankly, then nods. “Right. Okay, I’ll take care of that. Nice seeing you again, Seven. I’ll buy you that coffee next time.”
He waves and walks off, leaving me with Vortex and Havoc looming in front of me.
“Coffee sounds like a good idea,” Caleb says. “Can you two get us all a round of coffees? A cappuccino for me, and a mocha for Seven.”
I feel small and alone despite Caleb’s arm around me, and I’m keenly aware of the fact that we’ve attracted a small audience.
“Got it,” Vortex says, glancing at me before he and Havoc disappear.
Caleb leads me over to the cordoned-off area, guiding me to the booth at the small round table. I sit down, hugging my arms against my chest and wishing I could draw my knees up, too, to make myself an even smaller target.
“He didn’t have to call you,” I mumble.
What would’ve happened if Trent hadn’t come right then?
I think I’d have been that red smear on the ground, but I don’t tell Caleb that.
“For all his faults, Trent apparently does have some human decency.” Caleb takes my phone out of my pocket and taps on the screen .
The passcode is 7777, and he types it in to access my texts.
“Lori really does like to geek out,” Caleb says as he adds her number into my contacts. “And she’s twelve, so she doesn’t have the sense to calm down about it.” After he’s done, he sets my phone down in front of me.
I stare at it, then look back up at Caleb. “I wasn’t going to do anything,” I lie.
“I’m afraid I don’t believe you,” Caleb answers. “You scared Trent—and you scared me.”
My heart skips a beat. Of all the things I expected him to say, that hadn’t been one of them. Caleb is so calm, so self-assured, and I can’t see him being scared about anything like that. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to.”
No, I’d meant to just end it and not worry about anyone else, about hurting them or being hurt, and that would’ve been that.
Caleb takes my hand into his and squeezes it. “If you feel like getting your foot onto the ledge again, call me or Vortex or Havoc first.”
The smile that twists my lips has to be ugly, but I can’t bring myself to care. “They’ll only tell me I’m stupid.”
“I will personally whip them both if they do,” Caleb answers, right as Havoc and Vortex return with the drinks.
“I’d like to see you try,” Havoc says, placing the hot mocha down in front of me. “Your arm will get tired before I feel anything.”
“I’d never tell you you’re stupid,” Vortex says, sounding subdued. He slides into the spot next to me, and when I flinch, he doesn’t try to get closer to me. “Especially if you’re hurting, Seven. I’m sorry we upset you so much that you thought this was the answer. I…” He swallows thickly.
Havoc sits down in the chair across from me and sighs. “I fucked up, okay? I’m really sorry. But I don’t think you’re stupid, or whatever. I’m just glad that you’re here now.” His cheeks flush and he takes a sip of his own drink.
I look down at mine, but my stomach is upset, and I don’t think I can drink it even though I think the warmth of it might be comforting. I realize I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what they expect me to say. They’re trying so hard to make this better, and I should let them, but there’s an ugly part of me that wants to refuse and make them hurt as much as I do.
Vortex’s fingers lightly ghost over my arm, right over one of the scratches, and I flinch but don’t pull away. “We never want to make you feel like you need to do this again.”
“That’s an order, pet,” Caleb adds. “Don’t do anything like this again. But if you want to, call us.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper, staring down at Vortex’s hand and where I’d clawed at my skin. “When it hurts that much, I don’t… I don’t want help. I want it to stop .”
“So how do we help?” Havoc asks, leaning forward. “We want to protect you from everything , even if that’s the bad feelings. Even if we’re the cause of it.” He laughs. “I’ll even beat myself up, if you want to see me try that.”
I shake my head. “I want things to be like they are in the bedroom,” I say with a harsh laugh. Where I’m the center of their universe. Where they take care of me. Where things are familiar.
Where I feel almost, almost , cared about.
The three of them look between each other.
“How are they in the bedroom, Seven?” Vortex asks softly.
I don’t know how to put it in words in a way they’ll understand.
“I know what I’m supposed to be,” I say after a silence that drags on long enough to make me feel even more uncomfortable. “Everyone… Everyone has their role.” My shoulders slump, and this time Vortex’s arm does come up around me. “It’s familiar ,” I whisper.
They’re silent for long enough that I know I’ve said the wrong thing.
“In the military,” Havoc says quietly, “I was a bad fit for it. You all know that. But I was really happy to be there, too, because I was away from the Step Asshole and every day was mostly the same, and there were rules and for once, I didn’t have to worry about other shit. It was really freeing.”
I bite my lip. “It’s like that,” I tell him. “I know what to expect, I know what I’m supposed to do, I know what the rules are, and I know I do a really bad job of being better?—”
“Seven,” Vortex interrupts. “You don’t?—”
I glare at him and interrupt him right back. “I do . You think I play blackjack too much, and I skipped work because I’m stupid, and maybe the rules are too hard.” I look pleadingly at Caleb.
“I don’t think you’re stupid for skipping work,” Caleb says. “I think you have a gambling addiction. Which is bad for you on other levels.” He strokes the back of my neck. “I think you should go back to work, Seven. I’ve talked with Linda, and she feels bad about how she snapped at you. But work will help with routine, too.”
“She scares me,” I admit quietly. “And she still hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you,” Vortex says with a quick shake of his head. “She didn’t understand.”
“And what did you tell her to make her understand?” I burst out, anger lacing my words. “That I’m that fucked up?”
Don’t use that language, baby.
“That you’re doing the best you can,” Vortex says. “That you have an addiction you’re working on but that helping her is good for you.” He exchanges a look with Caleb. “That she was wrong to confront you like that.”
“I let her know that if she has issues with your work performance, she should reach out to me and we can discuss them in a calmer environment,” Caleb says. “She wants to apologize, if you’ll let her.” He sighs. “Once this damn MMA event is over, things will calm down, too. Everybody is stressed—which isn’t an excuse to take it out on you, Seven, but it’s the cause.”
“Okay,” I say. “When she wasn’t scary, I liked the work. I liked being around Della and everyone. I’ll try again if she wants me to.”
I sag in my seat, and Vortex gently pulls me closer to himself .
I rest my head against his shoulder. “I’m tired,” I say quietly. “Can I go upstairs and sleep for a little while?”
“Yes,” Caleb answers. “I need to get back to work, but Havoc and Vortex will take you upstairs and keep you company.” He kisses me quickly. “I’ll see you tonight. Maybe the four of us can play a round of cards in the evening?”
I nod, but I’m so drained that it’s hard to think about what I’m going to do beyond sleep this off. “Okay.” I look at Havoc, and I tentatively offer one of my hands to him. He takes it and squeezes my fingers.
Caleb gets up and shuffles out of the booth. “I think we can be done with all the infighting now, right? We have more important things to worry about.”
“Yes, sir,” Havoc says, saluting.
Vortex helps me up, and I let the two of them escort me upstairs.
All I want to do is sleep, but I think that maybe when I wake up, things will be okay.
They have to be.