CHAPTER THIRTY
Leif’s stomach was in knots as he paced the apartment.
It was the same one as last time, so it all felt familiar, but it also wasn’t his place and he kinda wished they were in New York, at his condo.
Especially if Tanner didn’t show up. Because he didn’t want to hang around here feeling miserable. And the team hotel wasn’t much better.
“He’s going to show up,” Leif muttered as he made another loop around the apartment. But he wasn’t sure Tanner actually was and the rock in the pit of his stomach told him he didn’t really trust it.
No. That couldn’t be true.
Leif’s head swam and he muttered, “Breathe, you idiot,” trying to remember all of the techniques he’d learned growing up.
This was just an anxiety spiral. It wasn’t the first and it probably wouldn’t be the last and he knew how to handle this, he did.
But his vision swam a little and his heart rate was way up—he could feel his pulse in his throat right now—and he forced himself to take another deep breath and hold it.
Okay, he was spiraling. This was a bad one.
Tanner had to show up. He had to. Leif couldn’t possibly be the only one feeling like this.
He tried to latch on to the grounding techniques he knew. He could hear his dad murmuring, “Now find five things you can see. Can you tell me those?”
Leif looked wildly around the room. “Okay. Coffee table, generic art, ugly pillow …”
But he suddenly remembered Tanner tossing that pillow aside to settle on his lap and fuck, what if he never had that again?
He’d hated Tanner Clayton six months ago. Hell, three months ago. So why did it feel like he couldn’t imagine being without him now?
“Fuck!” Leif smacked the back of an upholstered chair and wished he had something to throw. A stick to smash against the boards or something.
But there was just the rental apartment with its perfect un-mussed bland decor. And he could afford to pay for damages but the thought of making someone else clean up after his temper tantrum made him feel vaguely ill.
And if word got out … if he got the reputation for being “troubled” …
Leif bent over, grasping the back of the couch and breathing shallowly.
Jesus. He was about to get dumped by a guy he’d never actually been dating, and he’d wreck a rental apartment and JockGossip would find out everything.
Leif was so deep in that spiral in his head that it wasn’t until he felt a hand on his back that he realized that someone had come in.
He let out a yelp, stifled it, then turned to see who it was.
It was Tanner, thankfully.
It was Tanner and his curls were a mess and he wasn’t smiling—he looked worried, in fact—and he was here. He’d shown up and …
Leif’s hands were trembling as he cupped Tanner’s face. “Fuck. You came.”
Tanner nodded. “I told you I would. I know I’m not, like, great at following through, but I wanted you to know—”
Leif cut off whatever he was going to say. He swept the words out of Tanner’s mouth with his tongue and kissed him deeply, kissing him and kissing him until Tanner finally placed a hand on his chest and pulled back.
Leif looked at him, worried he’d done something wrong, but Tanner was already undoing the buttons on Leif’s shirt and Leif worked on his belt and trousers before they turned their attention to Tanner’s clothes.
Once those were off too, he pulled him close. “I need to fuck you,” Leif heard himself saying in a shaky voice. “I need to fuck you. Please.”
“Okay. Okay.”
Tanner knelt down, digging through the overnight bag at his feet. He pulled out supplies, but when he turned, probably intending to stand, Leif knelt too and stopped him with a hand on his back. “Stay there,” he whispered.
Tanner craned his head to look over his shoulder at him but whatever he saw on Leif’s face made him nod and he passed the lube and condoms back.
Leif wanted to ask if they really needed the condoms, but he also didn’t want to start a fight with Tanner, so he just pressed his lips together and got them both ready.
It didn’t take terribly long, and Leif let out a relieved breath once he was finally inside Tanner.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and he wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for.
Tanner hung his head and said, “Me too. Now fuck me.”
So Leif did. He hung on, digging his fingers into Tanner’s hips, and fucking him like his life depended on it. Like his very next breath depended on it.
Tanner was vocal as always, egging him on, urging him to go faster, telling him how good it felt.
Leif felt a sudden pang as he wondered if this would be the last time he ever heard Tanner’s nonsense, ever saw sweat bead up on his shoulders, or saw his toss his sweaty, tangled curls off his forehead.
After, when they lay there panting on the rug, sticky and messy, bodies wound together, he turned and pressed his lips to Tanner’s throat. To the exact spot where he’d thought about kissing him in that alley in Chicago and prayed that this wouldn’t be the last time.
It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t.
Leif didn’t seem okay.
Tanner wasn’t sure what was wrong—not exactly—but he could tell that Leif was having some kind of crisis or something.
For fuck’s sake, they were lying on the floor covered in all kinds of bodily fluids and Leif hadn’t even gotten up to take off the condom or clean up.
If that wasn’t a crisis, Tanner didn’t know what was.
So after he caught his breath, and the sweat was beginning to cool, he tangled his fingers in the back of Leif’s hair and tugged, pulling him away from where he’d had his face tucked in the crook of his neck.
Leif blinked, looking a little grumpy, and Tanner frowned at him. “We should talk. We can’t avoid this forever.”
A part of Tanner kinda wanted to. It would be way easier. But he remembered what Jesse had said and what he and Leif had talked about on the phone and it was pretty obvious, even to a guy like Tanner, that it was what had caused Leif to have a panic attack—or whatever that was.
“I know we do.” Leif sat up with a groan and Tanner missed the feel of their skin pressed together.
“I am sorry about earlier. I’m not … I’m not used to this.”
“Used to what?” Leif turned away, reaching for Tanner’s bag. He pawed through it for a moment before he sighed and sat back.
Tanner reached under the chair and pulled out the wet wipes that he’d grabbed earlier when he’d gone for the condoms and lube. “Here.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m not used to …” He didn’t know how to word this.
“Not—not that I’m not used to caring about people I sleep with.
I do. For that night, for a couple of nights, they’re the most amazing, awesome person I’ve ever encountered.
I care that they have a good time, that they feel safe and good about it.
I care that I don’t, like, fuck them up somehow because I’m a fucking idiot.
I try to, like … be good to them, you know? ”
“Great. Why are you telling me this?” Leif scrubbed at his thighs.
Tanner resisted the urge to beat his head against the floor because Leif wasn’t getting it. He was putting walls up and, like, shutting down or something. Tanner could see it happening, but he wasn’t sure how to stop it.
“But you’re different,” he blurted out.
Leif lifted his head, frowning. “What do you mean?”
“You’re not—you’re not like everybody else. You’ve always been that way. I’ve literally spent ten years trying to get you to just pay attention to me.”
“You like attention.”
“Yeah, I do,” Tanner said. “But mostly I like you. I—I love you.”
Leif opened his mouth, but no sound came out. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t get anything to come out at all.
Tanner gave him a lopsided little smile and touched his finger to Leif’s mouth. “It’s okay if you don’t—”
“I love you too,” Leif whispered, then buried his face against Tanner’s neck again. “Fuck.”
Tanner stroked the base of his skull, right where the hair met his bare neck, and Leif shuddered. “I do love you,” he mumbled against Tanner’s neck. “So much.”
“Okay,” Tanner said softly. “Okay. We’ll figure it out.”
Leif lifted his head to frown. “But how? We’re on separate teams, we live in different states, we—we’re rivals.”
“Maybe we can’t do anything during the playoffs,” Tanner said with a shrug. “But after …”
“And you fuck everyone.”
Tanner scowled. “Not everyone.”
“But you …” Leif sat up, pulling his knees up and leaning against the back of the chair. “You want to.”
“Do I?” Tanner asked. “I haven’t—there hasn’t been anyone but you. Not since the tourney. Wait, no. There was one couple a little after that. But no one but you since then.”
“I get that,” Leif said, and now that he could see and touch Tanner, he believed it.
“But forever? Because I’m a forever kinda guy.
I want you. Not—not to share with anyone else, okay?
Maybe that’s—that’s not cool of me but it’s what I want.
I don’t want you to go out and fuck anyone else because you get bored or you get tired of me. ”
Tanner’s face fell. “You think my mom’s right.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. What if she is?”
“I wouldn’t—”
“Are you sure? Can you really say that you would be fine with never being with anyone else? That in a year or five or—” His throat went too tight for him to go on.
Because that was what he wanted. Tanner. Forever and always. His mess and his mind that jumped everywhere. His chaos and his kindness.
Leif had maybe always wanted it.
Even back in Juniors when he thought he hated Tanner. Because maybe it wasn’t hate, maybe it was fear. Knowing that he’d turn Leif’s life upside down if he let him.
Because Leif was never going to be the same.
Even if Tanner said they were over and done with right now, he’d never be the same.
Tanner frowned. “I don’t know.”
And Leif’s heart broke.