31. Jesse
The ‘Better Luck Next Time’ screen flashed in front of me for about the hundredth time.
I was so fucked.
It’d been about a week since the fight with Jesse and Tara and I was miserable–beyond miserable. Though at this point it felt like my own fault. It wasn’t like both of them didn’t reach out. They did, more than once. But I just… didn’t answer.
I couldn’t wrap my head around it. They knew each other, the whole time. Charlie was the guy we made all those Mr. Heat Hotel jokes about. The one who, though I knew it was irrational, I always felt a slight pang of jealousy about. Though she always made jokes around it, it was obvious something about him satisfied her, and it felt like in a way I would never be able to.
And to an extent I understood that. I wasn’t an alpha, that was just a fact, but he was the only one she still talked about, even a year later.
And he was my best friend.
Every time I talked about it the room spun. How could I trust they weren’t keeping more from me? They bonded each other–bonded me, knowing they lied. How could I trust that again?
I booted up another game, trying to get back into it. I hadn’t streamed the entire time, in part because of how I was feeling, but also because my game was off. So incredibly off. I hadn’t won a game since the fight. And I knew people watched not only for my personality, but for my skill. There hadn’t been a ton of things in my life I excelled at, but OVWatch was one of them. No matter how upset I was, or what was going on in my life, when I found this game, I was instantly good, and that had never wavered.
Not until now.
Now I was letting our healer get killed, I was getting sniped by other DPS players, and getting crushed by takes when I tried to move in. There was nothing good about my gameplay right now. And I couldn’t stream like this.
I was useless at this point.
This game went just like the last, and I was tired of seeing that loose screen flash for what felt like the millionth time.
“Fuck!” I screamed, and threw my control to the wall. It smacked hard, the plastic breaking on impact. I knew later I would regret that, but right now I couldn’t be fucked to worry about it.
Taking a deep breath, I rested my head against my Maverick themed wrist rest, my forehead sinking into the memory foam.
I needed to get out of this funk.
My HAVOC chat pinged and I looked up. Indy messaged. I’d answered him back a few times, but I really wasn’t in the mood to talk. He asked to do a call but that was way not happening.
Theybe.knot: Sorry dude, I’m just really not in the mood
Indi_clurb: Come on, you need to talk to someone
I sighed. He was probably right, just going over it again and again in my own head probably wasn’t good for me. And at this point my dead controller would probably agree.
It took me a few minutes, but I clicked the call button. It only rang for a few moments before Indy’s face appeared. It was always so strange to see his bright, smiling face against his backdrop. It was all black, with memorabilia from his favorite horror games. A shelf of masks sat directly above him, along with a collection of these creepy looking dolls with button eyes he collected.
You would expect someone who have all of these things to maybe be a bit hard or serious, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We met at a con last year, and though he was a way bigger streamer than I was, he had no problems speaking to me or spending time with me. And he was the kindest person I’d ever met. Despite him being really into horror, he was such a marshmallow.
“Hey,” he said with his bright white smile. “You look like shit.”
I huffed, running a hand through my tousled hair. “Thanks.”
He gives a loud, boisterous laugh. “I just mean… you don’t look well. Have you been sleeping”
Not really, but I didn’t want to admit that aloud, so I just shrugged. “What are you up to.”
“The norm,” he began tossing a small ball he had in his hands before catching it. “Just hopped off stream. I was thinking about grabbing a workout or something, wanna come?”
I scrunched my face. Even if I wasn’t in a shit mood that sounded horrible. “No thanks.”
“But working out gets your endorphins or whatever running, it’ll make you feel better.”
“It would if I didn’t end up dead on the floor afterwards.”
He laughs. “Yeah okay, but really, what’s going on? You said you guys got into a fight, but didn’t say any more.”
I let my eyes drift to my other monitor, where a stylized image of me as Maverick one of my talented viewers drew was. “Did I ever tell you about Mr. Heat Hotel?”
“No, have you been to Omega’s Lust?”
“No, I have no need, but Tara has, and she met this one alpha about six months before we started dating that we’ve always… joked about. I knew something was different about him. She was honest about not only losing her virginity to him, but also having a really good time.”
He never interrupted, letting me explain everything. “Basically, when I introduced her to Charlie, she went into heat and… they bonded.”
“Oh shit!” he burst out, before quickly clearing his throat. “Sorry, continue.”
I couldn’t help the small laugh that came out of me. “Anyway, so that happened, and then it was… weird for a while, obviously. But we found some kind of normal between us. And they bonded me when we wen’t out.”
“Congratulations! One more packed up fucker in the squad.” I blushed a bit at that. He had a group of friends he referred to that way and I always liked being one of them.
“Yeah, the problem is, they both admitted that Charlie was Mr. Heat Hotel.”
He was quiet, blinking for a moment. “And they didn’t tell you before?”
“No, they both lied to me. After they bonded me.”
He let out a long sigh. “That’s crazy. I can understand why you’re so upset.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what I’m going to do. They lied about something so big. How am i supposed to reconcile that.”
Indy chewed his lip in thought. Though he wasn’t serious all the time, he knew when to turn it on. “Do you love them?”
“Of course!” I burst immediately. “That’s why this pisses me off so much.”
He nodded. “That makes sense. You wouldn’t care if you didn’t care.”
“Yeah,” I deflated. “So I know I’ll need to forgive them eventually. I can’t live without them. I’m just… hurt.”
“And you’re allowed to be hurt, just don’t wait so long to talk that you get bitter.”
I shifted in my chair. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks.”
His bright smile was back in full effect. “No problem, therapist Indy is always in, and I bill hourly by the way.”
I laughed. “Why don’t you go to the gym.”
“I will, just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine, thanks for checking in.”
“Of course. I think if I didn’t Tara would murder me anyway.”
I blushed. “What do you mean.”
“I mean, I would check on you just becuase we’re friends, but she texts me every once in a while to make sure you’re alive.”
Warmth bloomed in my chest. “Good to know.”
“I’ll catch you later though.”
“Later.”
He disappeared and I hung up. Maybe it was time to call them, at least Tara. Things felt a bit more… complex with Charlie. I thought I’d gotten over him being everything I’m not, but this brought that back in full force.
Just as I was thinking about texting Tara there was a knock at the door. It was probably more candy. I’d been getting deliveries all week, I was sure by a guilt ridden alpha, but I still ate it.
I didn’t even know they made artisanal sour watermelon candy, but I’m not going back now.
When I opened the door the air was knocked from my lungs when my favorite candy didn’t sit there, but Tara. Despite the obvious nervousness she exuded, she was radiant. Her hair was in a bun, and she had on a Streamverse tank top and purple leggings.
“Hi,” she said sheepishly. Though I understood why she was acting like this, I didn’t like it. This wasn’t the Tara who was always excited to see me, the one that exuded confidence and never waivered. This was one I didn’t know, and didn’t enjoy seeing.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I asked. I tried not to sound accusatory, but it was hard not to.
I winced when her face didn’t change. “I wanted to check in on you. We haven’t not seen each other in this long in… ever.”
I nodded. “Do you want to come in?”
“If you want me to,” she said.
I opened the door more, inviting her forward. She stepped in and toed her shoes off. It was so strange watching her act cautious in a place she used to be so comfortable.
“I’ll make tea,” I said, before disappearing into the kitchen. I didn’t wait to hear what she said, just needing to get away.
The easy pattern of filling the kettle and prepping the loose leaf tea kept my hands busy as my mind reeled. What did she want to say? Did she come to talk? Apologize? Tell me she was done with the silent treatment and didn’t want anything to do with me anymore?
That last thought felt the least likely, but gave me the most dread so it was the one that stuck. I grabbed down two mugs, the single purple one in my house for Tara and plunked the tea strainers in them before adding the hot water. I grabbed the honey and put a small amount in mine, and a hefty helping in hers. She liked it ‘honey forward’ but I think she wanted it to just taste like honey.
I grabbed the two and brought them out to the living room. Tara was there on the couch, her knees tucked to her chest and one of my couch pillows sitting in her lap. She pressed her face to it, inhaling deeply. I couldn’t help but smile to myself, at least it seemed unlikely the last scenario was true.
“Here,” I said, putting it on the coffee table in front of her.
“Thanks,” she didn’t reach for it though, probably knowing it’s hot.
I sat next to her, forcing myself to sit further away than normal. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
“You, me, us,” she said, gesturing around. “I miss you, and I’m so, so sorry.”
I sighed, my eyes going down to my tea. “You lying really hurt me.”
“I know,” she said. “And that was never my intention.”
Then what was your intent?”
“Not hurting you. I know it wasn’t the right choice, but I planned to tell you on our way home but then… everything happened. And with us already bonded I didn’t know how to tell you. I just didn’t want you to feel even further left out by me saying ‘yeah, your best friend who I bonded with in a freak attempt to get him away from you is also Mr. Heat Hotel. Hope you’re fine with that.’”
I thought about what she said for a moment. “What do you mean to get him away from me?”
She groaned. “It’s really dumb.”
“I’d like to know.”
It took her a moment to respond. “When you guys kissed during my heat… I lost it.”
My nerves pricked at that. “You didn’t want us together?”
“No,” she said quickly. “I love seeing you guys together. But while I was in heat I wasn’t thinking right. I was just thinking ‘MINE’ in every direction, so seeing you touch or kiss in that moment just made me… snap.”
I could understand that. Heat was actually a pretty emotional and sometimes stressful time for an omega, so her being a bit territorial about either of us made sense, and it made me feel a bit good that it was about me as well.
“I understand. I just… no matter how uncomfortable it might be never want to be lied to again. I appreciate you looking out for my feelings, but I can handle myself. And we’re pack now.”
She gave a watery smile. “Yeah, we are. And I love our little pack.”
My heart squeezed. “I love you too.”
Her smile faltered a touch, the corner of her mouth twitching. “And Charlie?”
I sighed. I did love him too, but something about what he did hurt worse. “I do love him, I just… don’t know how to forgive him in the same way.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m… just not him.”
Wrinkles formed between her brows as they pinched in confusion. “Yeah, you’re you.”
I snorted. “No I mean… I’m not a smart alphahole. I’m just… a beta.”
“First of all, you’re not just anything,” Tara said intensely. “Second, there’s no reason to envy Charlie, you’re perfect the way you are.”
“You’re just saying that because you love me,” I joked.
“And because you’re not Charlie. I love you for being you.”
“I know. And it’s not even Charlie’s fault I feel this way. It’s just me.”
Tara looked to turn that over in her head for a few moments. “What if you could… exert some power over him.”
I blinked. “What do you mean.”
She crawled on me then. “I mean, we invite him over and I show you what it’s like to domme. On stream.”
My entire body warmed. “Top Charlie?”
She nodded. “It always makes me feel better.”
I chuckled. I wanted to tell her that was probably silly, but the more I thought about it, the better it sounded. “Okay.”