Chapter 33
Dan Torrington threw one hell of a bachelor party. Since Grant had been unwilling to choose one of his three brothers, he’d asked Dan to be his best man. They’d gorged on prime rib, lobster, top-shelf liquor and Cuban cigars at the party Dan had thrown for Grant at the marina.
Adam had drawn the designated-driver card that night, and delivered Shane and Owen back to the hotel just after three a.m., which was far too late to bother Katie.
Beside the fact he was more than a little drunk and nauseated from the massive overindulgence, he was also out of sorts, so he went to his own room rather than hers.
He flipped on the light and noticed a white Sand & Surf envelope on the floor.
When he bent to pick it up, he had to reach for the wall as the room seemed to tilt.
Taking the envelope to his bed, he sat and tore it open.
Dear Shane,
I hope you had fun tonight with your cousins and friends.
I had a great time with the women. I love being part of this incredible group of people.
I feel as if I’ve known them forever when it’s only been such a short time.
Sort of like the way I feel about you… How can I feel so much for you when I only just met you?
But I can’t deny that what I feel for you is love, as pure and simple as anything I’ve ever felt.
I want all the things you said you want.
But more than anything, I want you to be certain.
I can tell something is weighing on your mind, and if you don’t feel you can talk to me about it, please talk to someone.
If the time isn’t right for us, I’ll be sad and disappointed, but I’ll survive. I wanted you to know that. Let’s enjoy this wonderful weekend, as planned, and talk after the wedding. I’m looking forward to spending more time with you and your family.
Love,
Katie
Shane moaned as he read her sweet words. She loved him, but she knew he was tormented. And here he thought he’d done such a good job of hiding it from her. He should’ve known she’d notice. She paid attention.
He stretched out on the bed, still holding her letter and thinking about everything she’d said and how perceptive she was. Try as he might to deny it, Courtney’s visit had screwed him up, and he needed to get some help before he ruined the best thing to ever happen to him.
His sleep was tormented and plagued by disturbing dreams about both the women who were on his mind.
He woke with a pounding headache, a dry mouth and a plan.
After a shower, some coffee and a couple of pain pills, Shane got on the bike and rode it to Big Mac’s house in North Harbor.
He stepped through the gate into his aunt’s rose garden and took the stairs to the porch, where he knocked on the door.
Wearing a T-shirt and shorts and carrying a mug of coffee, his Uncle Kevin came to the door. “Hey, Shane.”
“Just the guy I was looking for.”
Kevin pushed open the screen door. “Come in.”
“Why do I feel like hell after last night, and you’re all chipper?”
“Because with age comes wisdom and the ability to say no after the tenth round.”
Shane laughed. “It was a good time even if I feel like hell today.”
“A fantastic time, but then any time I get to spend with my brothers, sons and nephews is the best of times.”
“Yes, it is.” Shane accepted the mug of coffee Kevin poured for him and stirred in cream. “Where is everyone?”
“Riley and Finn are still sleeping off last night’s gluttony. Mac and Linda are off making final preparations for the rehearsal dinner tonight.” Kevin leaned against the counter. “What brings you out so early?”
“Could I talk to you about something in sort of a professional capacity?”
“Of course. Let’s go out on the deck.”
Shane followed him through the sliding door and took a seat next to his uncle. “I’m sorry to drop in on you this way when you’re on vacation and away from other people’s problems for a while.”
“I’m always available to you. You know that. You’re all our kids. Doesn’t matter which one of us fathered you.”
“I love that about our family.”
“So do I, but I don’t think you came here to talk about our family.”
“No,” Shane said with a sigh. “Did you hear that Courtney came looking for me this week?”
“I heard rumblings to that effect.”
“Things were great, you know? I was doing so much better. The job with Mac, living near Laura and Holden, who I’m crazy about, being here with the rest of the family and then everything with Katie… I was better than I’ve been in a long time.”
“Your dad said as much to me, and I could see it myself.”
“But then she comes here and tells me everything she did was to protect me and she only divorced me to keep me out of a messy legal situation. She said she never stopped loving me.”
“Ah, Christ. I didn’t hear all that.”
“It’s fucked me up again, Kev. I don’t want to think about her.
I want to think about Katie. I love Katie.
She’s amazing and wonderful and kind and attentive.
She’s everything that Courtney wasn’t. What you see is what you get with Katie, and I need that after what I went through with Courtney.
So why, why, why can’t I stop thinking about Courtney telling me she never stopped loving me? ”
“Because you waited a long time for some answers, and you’ve only had a few days to get your head around what she told you.”
“Unfortunately, those few days have been critical days with Katie.”
“Which makes it that much more complicated.”
“I feel like I’m losing my shit. How can I be thinking about a woman who treated me the way she did when I’ve got a new girlfriend telling me she loves me and wants to be with me?”
“What do you want, Shane?”
“I want peace. I want a family. I want Katie. I want to stop dwelling on stuff that doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It must still matter if you’re still dwelling on it.”
“Why does it still matter? What difference does it make if she still loves me or that she did what she did to protect me? I’m not going back to her.”
“It matters because you can’t hate her anymore knowing what you do now. It was easier when you could make Courtney out to be the villain in this situation. Finding out what you did this week puts you back to square one in some ways because it changes the story of how your marriage ended.”
“I can’t go back to square one again.”
“It’s not the same square one as it was when everything first happened and the wound was raw and open.
It’s a different square one, but it requires some contemplation nonetheless.
You lived for a long time thinking you understood what motivated Courtney.
Finding out that everything you thought to be true was wrong is a shock. ”
“More than anything, I’m afraid I’m going to mess things up with Katie. She’s tuned in to the fact that something’s bothering me.” He put the coffee cup on the table and sat back in his chair. “What you said about Courtney being the villain makes a lot of sense.”
“We all made her the villain. You weren’t alone in that.”
“She said she wants me to know the person she is now, but how would I ever separate who she is now from who she was then?”
“You probably can’t, which is why you sent her away.”
“I told her there was too much water under the bridge, too much history, too much pain.”
“Maybe you need to keep telling yourself that until you believe it. You say you want the life you have now with Katie, and it sounds like she wants you, too. So what’s stopping you from having that?”
“Only my fears about whether I’m being fair by getting in so deep with her while this stuff is still on my mind.”
“The only way you’re being unfair to Katie is if you don’t tell her that seeing Courtney messed you up worse than you initially thought, and how that has nothing at all to do with what you feel for her.”
“You’re saying I should tell Katie about this.”
“Yes. Tell her what’s been weighing on you and see what she says. All you can do is be straight with her.”
“I’m the first guy she’s ever dated.”
“Because of her dad,” Kevin said with a nod of understanding.
“Yeah, she took this huge risk on me, and I promised her I’d be worth it, and then this happened.”
“It’s not your fault, Shane. You couldn’t have known Courtney was going to come here or that she would say what she did.
It seems to me like you’re blaming yourself for things that were outside of your control.
Of course you’re going to be affected by seeing your ex-wife again after all this time.
Of course you’re going to be shocked to hear that she never stopped loving you and didn’t really want to divorce you. How is any of that your fault?”
“It’s not, I guess.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You were a great husband to her.
You did everything you could to make that marriage work.
You stepped up for her even after you found out she’d stolen from you to support her habit.
That would’ve been a deal breaker for a lot of guys but not you.
At what point do you give yourself a break and acknowledge that you did the best you could in a horrible situation? ”
Shane took a deep breath and blew it out.
“Are you still in love with Courtney?”
“No.”
“Do you want to get back together with her?”
“No.”
“Do you want to be with Katie?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes.”
“Then you know what you need to do.”
“And I’m not being unfair to Katie by committing to her when I’m still thinking about someone else?”
“You were with Courtney for a long time. You might always think about her. But you don’t want to be with her.
That’s what really matters—and that’s what’ll matter to Katie.
” He squeezed Shane’s shoulder. “But if you honestly feel you’re not ready to move forward with Katie, then you owe it to her to tell her that, too.
You wouldn’t be doing her any favors in the long run if you stay with her out of some misguided sense of obligation. ”
“That’s not why I’m with her. I feel like myself again with her, if that makes sense.”