Chapter 11
Roper took off his boot, sprayed it with Febreeze, and let his ankle air out. He had no idea what to do about the Professor. He was driving him crazy.
He couldn’t call Ry, so he went for the next best thing.
“Hey, Ernie. It’s me. How’s it hanging?”
“Roper? Oh my God! I was worried your brother had killed you or something.”
He snorted and leaned back into the headboard on the bed he was beginning to think of as his. “Not yet. His man sent me away, and I’m staying with a guy here in New York City.”
“A guy.” Ernie went right into protective mode. “What kind of guy? A club guy? A Dom? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. He’s a Dom, but…he’s letting me stay here. No strings.” He was sort of wishing for strings, honestly.
“Yeah? Okay. So you have a roof, a buddy; what are you calling me for?” Ernie could be such a turd.
“Just to say hi, man. See how you’re doing.” I’m calling you because I can’t call Ry, you fuck, and I don’t know what to do, whether to do anything. “I was sitting and airing out my ankle.”
“Still fucked, huh? Are you making progress?” He knew the concerned tone even if Ernie wasn’t acting like it.
“Just a little broke dick. Everything is getting better.” To be honest, he didn’t love the way it looked.
Everything was still really bruised, swollen, and weird.
Some of the scars from surgery were gross, but he’d make it.
“You know, this kind of thing just sort of takes time. There’s not much I can do about that, but man, the boot stinks.
It needed some Febreeze. So I’m sitting here in bed with it propped up so this thing can air out and get less funky. ”
He made sure to keep his tone light. He already regretted making the phone call.
“You got this. Hey, Ro. I’m glad you called. I’ve been thinking about you.”
Liar. “Well, good. You stay busy and out of trouble, buddy. I’ll talk at you later.”
“Whoa. Hey. Are you hanging up already?”
“Well, yeah. I thought…you sounded like you were busy.” He was beginning to think that he was losing his damn mind.
“I just said I was glad you called! I’m not busy. You called for a reason though, right? We’re not really call to catch up kind of friends.”
“No, not really, but… I’ll be honest, me and Ry aren’t speaking, and… I needed a friendly voice.”
Ernie sighed. “How can you not be speaking? You’re best friends.”
“He needs some space. I’m mean to him; you know how it is.”
“Well, I know how it was, which is not how it is anymore. He needs you, Rope. And you need to figure this out because you need him too. Tell me what I can do. Are you spinning out?”
He sighed softly, shook his head, nodded. “Fuck, I don’t know. I really like this new guy. I like him a lot. He’s a sweetheart, but I fucked up the first day I met him and turned him off.”
“You’re still in his house, so how bad can it be? Tell me what happened.”
He shrugged. “The short version is, he asked me what I needed, and what popped out was I was tired. That stopped everything.”
Everything.
But it had been the truth.
He’d been tired and sad and lost, and he respected the hell out of the Professor for backing off and giving him what he’d needed.
Still…
“If you told the truth, and that sure sounds like truth to me, then you didn’t fuck up. It probably just feels that way because he’s slowed everything down so you can rest and catch up. He’d not being a dick is he?”
“God, no. He’s a doll baby. Honest, he couldn’t be more dear.” It made him itch a tiny bit.
“You didn’t fuck up. I don’t know for sure what he’s thinking, but I can tell you, it’s not that. He’s probably trying to be respectful, which…some people are good at.”
“Oh, shut up, you evil fucker.” He had to smile. Had to.
“Now you’re sounding more like yourself.
” Ernie’s laughter subsided. “Seriously. Give yourself a break. He is, right? And as for Ryder, I was fucking brilliant to hook him up wasn’t I?
And now he’s happy. Don’t be an asshole.
He’s your brother, and you love him. Neither of you is going to leave that arena the same guy you were when you were in it. Be happy for him.”
“I am.” He was unhappy for himself. And it wasn’t reasonable to tell him how to feel. He could act decent; he could act polite and what have you, but he felt what he felt.
“You’ll get there. Maybe sooner than you think. It sounds like you have a good situation going there. Relax and trust him. Don’t fuck it up like you like to do.”
“Oh, thanks. Yeah, well, you know me. I’m an asshole.” He wanted to hurt somebody. He rolled his eyes. “I feel so much better. I’m so glad I called.”
Hell, he could have talked to Ry for this.
“That’s my Roper. Asks for help and then is afraid of getting what he’s asked for. You get in your own damn way all the time. Don’t do it this time, that’s all. Try something else. Try trusting him. Or the process. Or even yourself for once.”
The temptation to snarl, “You gave up the chance to call me yours,” was huge, but he didn’t.
Hell, he didn’t know what to say at all.
He had so many emotions rushing through him that he couldn’t handle them, and he needed to get the fuck out of here.
He started wrapping his ankle up. He needed to find a gym or a bar or something.
He needed fucking help.
“Hello? Rope? Whatever you’re doing, just stop. Stop and go ask him for help. You hear me? Roper? Ask him.”
“I’m fine, buddy. I am. I’m putting my boot on. I’m going to take a walk and clear my head. I’m cool.” And if he wasn’t cool, it wasn’t like he was dangerous—to himself or anyone else.
He needed to figure shit out.
Hell, he needed to figure out why things tended to be his fault while nothing was Ryder’s. Obviously, he’d missed something.
“Call me in a couple of days and check in, please? If you don’t, I’m getting on a goddamn plane, and you know I hate New York.”
“You have my word. I’ll check in.” He made himself a note to text. Easy enough. “You take care of yourself, old man. I’ll chat with you soon.”
“Wise. I prefer wise man. Don’t forget to breathe, Roper. Let the good stuff happen.”
“You know it.” He hung up without saying goodbye and finished getting himself booted up.
He needed to figure his brain out.
“Going out?” Toby was sitting in the living room with a book in his hands and startled him on his way to the front door.
“Oh, shit. Hey. Yeah, I was going to blow out the cobwebs. I got…” So many feelings. “…thoughts.”
“Okay, sure. Did you want company, or…?”
Did he? He sort of really did. “Do you mind, Professor?”
“Not at all, I was just reading. Let me grab a jacket.” Toby set his book down and stood, then grabbed a very professor-like tweed jacket off the back of the couch and pulled it on. “Where are we headed?”
“Anywhere. I just need to blow out the cobwebs. I’m caught up.” He needed to breathe.
Toby got the door. “All right. So are we talking or thinking?”
“Mmm… Let’s talk. I like talking with you.” And he had no idea what to say, but that was okay.
They took the elevator down and went out into the sunshine and noticeably warmer air.
Toby gave him an arched eyebrow. “So you said you’ve got thoughts. Name one.”
“I’m frustrated that I don’t get the benefit of the doubt a lot of times. It makes me mad.”
“I get that.” Toby nodded. “People think they know you?”
“Yeah. People think they got the right to judge how I feel, like I can just stop feeling shit.” He nodded to Toby, eyes focused on the street in front of him.
“Doesn’t seem right. You don’t have like, a light switch control over feelings.” Toby kept pace with him, strolling along, hands in his pockets.
“Exactly. And I… I’m not an asshole, but I want to know why I have to pretend to not feel shit.” He was tired of being…not heard.
“Is this about Ryder?”
“Some of it. Some of it is about… I talked to my ex. That wasn’t about Ry.” That was about Toby.
“Mhm.” Toby took a thoughtful breath. “Forgive me if I’m off base here, but I don’t know if an ex is the right person to be evaluating your feelings.”
“Yeah. I--I hear that. I just wanted to talk, you know? But it was not satisfying.” He was madder now than he had been.
“You’re talking now. I’m listening. Maybe I can be more of what you need?”
“Yeah, but… I got to be honest. It’s hard to talk about a guy you might have a thing for with the guy you might have a thing for.”
Toby chuckled softly. “Yeah, that could be awkward. Maybe it would take a little pressure off if you knew that guy might feel the same way?”
“Yeah? I think…yeah. I think so.” His cheeks were on fire, but it didn’t feel bad, if he was honest. Not at all.
“As long as we’re being honest, I had a talk with a friend about you, too. He was much more helpful, though. I was…frustrated when you told me we should be friends, but he made me realize it was a compliment.”
“Yeah? Because it was. I like you. I wish…part of me wishes I hadn’t said I was tired that first day. I didn’t mean to turn you off.” But it had been the truth.
Toby glanced at him but kept walking. “It didn’t turn me off. Actually, I was glad you’d said it. It was the truth, like the really naked truth, and that’s trust. It didn’t feel like you’d admit that to just anybody.”
“I was tired, but I’m—” He wanted more now. He wanted to see what they get up to. “I’m not anymore.”
“Speedy recovery.” Toby nodded. “Glad to hear you’re feeling better. It’s not a bad bed, is it?”
“It’s not, and I’ve been working out some, getting stronger. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just ready. I don’t know. It’s been a week.”
“Yeah, a whole week. Maybe you’re just bored.” Toby eyed him, grinning.
“Maybe. I don’t know.” He could tease back. “I’m teaching Whiskey tricks. She’s a bit of a whore for her catnip mouse.”
“Watch your mouth, boy; my Whiskey is not a whore. She might be motivated by certain intoxicating substances, but she is nobody’s whore.” Toby managed to make all of that sound stern and serious.