Chapter 19 #2
“I don’t know! I don’t want you to know. It hurts my heart.” He met Toby’s eyes, begging him for help. “I swear to you, I’m not a bad man.”
“You’re a good man with a good heart.” Toby pulled him in close, arms wrapping tightly around him. “I’ve got your back. I’m not going to judge you. I want to support you.”
“I hurt Ryder. I almost killed him, and now he’s never going to be the same.” And Ryder would hate him if he ever found out.
Toby’s hug didn’t waver. “Keep talking.”
He sighed and shook his head. “Might as well be hung for a sheep, huh? I told him I wanted to retire, that I wanted to go to school. We’d had a good run, but…we were getting hurt.”
“I don’t understand. His accident wasn’t your fault.”
“He was mad at me. His mind wasn’t in the middle. He doesn’t even remember, but I swore, if he would just wake up, I’d never say it again. Ever.” But he hadn’t kept that promise, had he?
“It was an accident. If he was angry at you for making that suggestion, that’s on him.” Toby leaned back enough to look at him. “And as for this promise, things have changed. You were injured; he was injured…he has what he needs now, and you should have what you want.”
“I—” He frowned up at Toby, confused. “But didn’t you hear me? He’s hurt because I wanted out.”
“No. He’s hurt because he didn’t want you to have what you wanted. And he got unlucky.”
He jerked away, gasping, his eyes feeling like they were going to pop out. “I—You can’t say that.”
Could he?
“Why not?” Toby closed the distance between them again.
“You gave up school for him to begin with, and when you very reasonably asked for it again years later he got angry. I appreciate that you want to be fair because his injuries were extensive, and it’s probably heartbreaking, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t fair to you.”
Roper couldn’t breathe. No one had ever just had his back. No one had ever been there just for him.
“Roper Vales, you are a bright, promising student. A scientist. You’re not just Ryder’s twin brother. You’re much more. You deserve what you want. You don’t have to earn it, or beg for it, you can just take it. And you should. You will.”
Roper sat.
Just right there on the kitchen floor where he was, and Whiskey was immediately right there, meowing at Toby as if to say, “Dad, help him!”
“I got this, sweetheart.” Toby sat on the floor with him without hesitation, petting Whiskey to soothe her.
“I’ve probably overstepped. I don’t mean to be unkind to your brother, but he’s not mine. You are. You are the man I am concerned about. You are the man I love. I want what is best for you.”
“I love you. You’re not disappointed in me.” It wasn’t a question. It was just the truth.
“No.” Toby’s face softened into a smile. “I’m proud of you.”
“I swear to you, I would have ridden forever to fix him.” But Ry was changed. Forever.
“I know. But he doesn’t need fixing. He’s happy. He’s different, but he doesn’t really know that. He’s happy. And Charles is a good man. Charles loves the man he is now.” Toby touched his cheek, fingers drawing down along his jaw.
“I’m so sorry.” He leaned into the touch. “Please, this is our secret. No one else on earth knows.”
And no one could.
“I promise.” Toby kissed him, as if to cement those words. “These conversations stay between us. But I need a promise too. You have to let the guilt go.”
“I don’t know how, but I want to. I want to be…able to breathe free again.” He wanted to go be a scientist.
“It’ll come. Once you let yourself fill out that application, and the ball is rolling, it’ll come. You’ll see.” Toby stood slowly, then offered him a hand up.
He took it, trusting in his lover, his Professor, to haul him up.
He landed in Toby’s arms. “You’re full of surprises, boy. You do know how to keep me on my toes.”
“I’m sorry? Can we talk about good stuff now? Please?” He wanted to talk about fun.
“Yes.” His Professor smiled at him, looking a bit relieved for the change of subject. “I was thinking this morning, as I was trying to figure out what ‘grounded’ looks like, that we’re going to have to get you an official membership at the club now.”
“Okay…” He wasn’t sure what one had to do in the other, but he was interested.
“Well, I’m off the market, and I need a sub to show off, right?”
“Sure. Absolutely. And yes. You are all the way off the market.”
“Those poor boys.” Toby’s tone was playful, but also proud. “I’ll be fending them off after our grand exit last time. I wonder how many of them wished they were you?” His Professor must have really enjoyed their little scene; it had obviously stuck with him.
“All of them, but they couldn’t seal the deal and keep you.” He had been able to, and he’d just make sure the other guys understood that. “And you were obviously waiting for me.” It was weird, but he could feel his lungs filling with air again, the action easy.
“I was looking for someone for sure, but I had no idea it was going to be you when I agreed to do Master Greg and Master Clint a favor and meet you. I wonder sometimes whether Greg knew what he was doing. It’s possible. He and Master Clint are clever.”
He shrugged, because he’d been at the club before. It hadn’t worked the first time. “Maybe I’m just super lucky.”
“Oh, you’re definitely lucky.” Toby gave his nipple a little pinch. “But so am I.”
“Hey! No pinching!” Fuck, that was hot. “So, how much is a membership? I got savings.”
“A lot less than for Doms, is my understanding. But I would pay it. There are workshops we could go to, events just for subs and such, which you could attend.”
“If you’re sure.” He wasn’t sure where this fell—was it “allowing the Dom to be important” or was it “mooching off your Dom”?
“I’m sure. Let’s try it. If nothing else, we know we can be relaxed there.”
“All right. If you’re sure, I’m in. It’s fun to play, and you and me, we have an understanding.”
Toby raised an eyebrow. “I’d say it’s more than an understanding, wouldn’t you?”
“I mean, with you and me and pushing for fun, not evil.”
“Usually for fun. Sometimes because it’s needed. And also for sex. Sex too, which is fun. And hot.” Toby chuckled and sipped his coffee. “Is this really an understanding, or do we need to talk about it?”
“Do you want to talk about it?” No one had ever wanted to talk to him about this sort of thing before.
Did he want to talk about it? He was interested in what made Roper want to push boundaries, make trouble for himself. But that would mean he’d have to explain himself to Roper eventually, and he…didn’t know.
He didn’t have an explanation.
But could he really say no?
“Well, I’m always interested in understanding you better.”
“Okay.” Roper still looked the slightest bit bruised around the eyes, but the tension was fading quickly.
He got up and turned on the fireplace, then came back to the couch and held his arms out to his boy. He’d bought this deep leather couch just for this reason, to snuggle a boy he hadn’t found and had never met.
Roper cuddled into him with a deep sigh. “Oh, Professor. You feel good.”
“You too.” He breathed in Roper’s scent and sighed. “So, when did you discover all of this?”
“The internet. I—I started with online X-rated stuff guaranteed to get me off fast. Then I found message boards.”
“Like-minded people. That can be good if you’re smart about it.”
“It was a way to get off, you know. Then I had this need, and—” Roper shrugged. “That’s when I started going through men.”
“Going through…” Poor boy. He was sort of smug that Roper wasn’t too much for him after all of the hype.
Roper shrugged for him, meeting his eyes. “I met a guy—he’s the one who got Ry his job with Charlie. We had a thing, but—it didn’t work out.”
Right. That was in the boy’s file. “Uh… Everett? No. Ernie. I read about him.”
Roper’s eyes went wide. “What did it say about that?”
“Uh…” Oh dear. What had it said? Nothing awful, he was sure. “Only that Ernie knew you, and he’d called Clint, and Clint set Ryder up with Charles. I don’t recall much else. It might have mentioned that Ernie was a former Dom of yours. No juicy details that I remember.” Now he was curious though.
“Huh. Well, good. You don’t need details.”
“No, but I want them.” He grinned. “If you’re ever ready…”
Roper snorted. “We fucked a lot. He spanked me a couple of times, but—” He shrugged again.
“But not like I can?” He teased and shook his head.
“No. And he didn’t get it. He didn’t get me. He still doesn’t. I like to push. I like a good punishment that I earned. I need a firm hand.”
“I do enjoy being that firm hand. I like being challenged. I’m guessing most Doms you’ve been with don’t?”
Roper rolled his eyes. “No. They want obedience. All the time. Which okay, fine, if you both get off on that, fine, but what if you don’t? What if sometimes you need to push and push and get dragged back to your place? Not because I’m an asshole, but because I need it.”
There was a time for obedience, and there was a time for making sure a sub’s needs were met, along with one’s own. “I wonder what it says about me that I am more than happy to drag your bratty ass back where it belongs?”
“That you don’t need easy and sweet. You need me, just like I need you.” There was no hesitation in his boy’s words.
He nodded. “You’re right. Easy and sweet is boring as fuck.” He chuckled. “For me, at least.”
“Me too.” Roper held his gaze. “But you’re the first one who got the truth.”
The first.
He took a deep, deep breath, battling some emotion he couldn’t name and didn’t understand. It wasn’t a bad feeling, just a big one. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. What else do you want to know? You know my worst secret.”
“I don’t know. I just want you to know that you can always be direct if you need something I’m not understanding. I think I’ve read you well so far, but I have bad days too.” Not many. He was pretty easygoing. Predictable. Boring.
“Yeah, and if you are, just say. I know how to have a beer with a lover and give him a nice blow job to ease tension.”