Seventeen
The walk was short-lived and easily traded in for some back-porch-under-the-stars time. There were technically two back porches; one with the hot tub, built farther out from the house, sort of off to the side. This one, attached to the house, was a place Jilly had grown fond of last summer when she and Ollie had been living in the lodge’s family suite.
Jilly curled into one of the cushions on the outdoor sectional couch, careful not to jostle her wine. Presley was wrapped in a plaid blanket, curled up at the far end, her own wine in hand. Lainey lit the propane fire table before sitting down between them, right in the corner, then picked her wine up from the table and lifted it in cheers.
After filling them in on the things making her heart and her mind wrestle with each other, Jilly stared up at the night sky, trying to count the stars until her breathing calmed.
“Andrew is a monkey butt,” Lainey said, breaking the silence.
Presley sipped her wine. “That sounds like something Ollie would say.”
Jill laughed. “That doesn’t make it less true.”
“Levi’s a good man, from what I’ve seen for myself so far and definitely from what I’ve heard,” Presley said, pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders.
Noises creaked and croaked through the trees. Looking toward the lodge, Jillian could see shadows of people moving in the dining area. Her family. Gramps. Levi.
She’d miss her parents when they left. This lodge had become a second home to them. It didn’t have the backyard where she and Beckett and Gray had played and argued, made up games, and chased each other around, but they were making new memories here. When Ollie was seven, her brothers and dad had built a cute little playhouse that mimicked her parents’. It now sat nestled in some trees near the start of the kids’ hiking trail. Her mom had created a little garden around the cobblestone walkway her dad built last summer. It made her smile every time she looked at it. Even though now, Ollie said she wished she had a zipline instead of a playhouse.
“Spill,” Presley said, nudging Jilly in the shoulder.
Jill looked at her would-be sister-in-law. “I’ve known him since we were kids. I can separate the past from the present. I’m not a kid anymore. I have a kid. There’s already too many feelings for it to be a fling or one-night stand. And that’s not really my thing anyway. Though, relationships aren’t my strong suit, and who knows what he’s actually looking for.”
“He looks at you like you’re a hell of a lot more than a fling, Jilly,” Lainey said, leaning back in her seat. “You might be jaded toward relationships because of your dipshit ex, but you’re not blind and Levi Bright is not subtle.”
She wanted to believe that it meant as much to him as it did to her, but Andrew calling today had messed with her belief in her ability to separate fact and fiction. Maybe she was just looking at it all through a fifteen-year-old’s rose-colored glasses.
“She’s right. He looks at you the way I hope Beckett looks at me,” Presley said.
Both Lainey and Jilly quickly confirmed that Beckett looked at her with hearts in his eyes.
“And if he still wanted to kiss you after your first attempt, you know he’s into you,” Lainey said with a quiet giggle.
“Shut up,” Jill warned.
“When was your first attempt? Why haven’t I heard this?” Presley sat up straighter.
“You have to tell her,” Lainey said.
“You have to tell me,” Presley said, scooting closer.
Jilly sighed. “I wanted to kiss him so badly. I was only fifteen. He was leaving because he’d gotten a scholarship to an elite culinary school.”
“So, I set up a meet cute,” Lainey said.
“She staged an intervention so I could get my kiss,” Jilly said.
She could still feel the mortification rising up inside of her as she recounted the tale to Presley. She told her how she’d met him on the side of his house, back when his parents didn’t live on a houseboat. She’d wanted to say that she would miss him, but she’d stood there, her heart beating so hard it felt like it was outside of her chest. It felt like he’d moved closer, maybe so he could hear her or maybe because he’d wanted to kiss her, too. He’d smiled, that stupid dimple breaking her brain so it could only focus on one thing. Kissing Levi Bright. When she’d gone for it, she’d tripped over a root coming out of a bush. He went to catch her, he did catch her. She’d tried to right herself, to turn and run, anything but face him. Instead, she’d made it worse and accidentally slammed the back of her head into his chin. He’d been lowering his head to ask if she was all right. He swore, dropped her arms, and she’d stumbled, looked up to see him holding his bleeding chin. Later that night, her brothers told her he’d had to get stitches but they didn’t know what really happened. Levi said he’d tripped.
Jilly felt like she was really back there in the moment and didn’t realize she was crying until the tear trickled down her cheek.
“Oh, sweetie. It was so long ago,” Presley said. “That must have been awful. Plus, it sounds like you guys made out—ha, see what I did there—just fine this time. He might have fond memories of before, like you do, but I don’t think what he felt then is tied to how he feels now. He sees you for who you are, all grown up.”
“She’s right. He’s into you now, Jilly. He baked all afternoon with your kid,” Lainey said, setting her wine down and reaching out to squeeze Jilly’s hand.
He had done that, and Ollie had such a great time. Why was she so scared of moving forward? Standing still wouldn’t get her anywhere, but it was a more surefire way to prevent getting hurt again. There’s that maturity you pride yourself on.
“He’s a good man. Maybe he’s just trying to mend a teenage girl’s heart.”
“Did he break it?” Presley asked, lowering her wineglass to rest it on her leg.
Jilly smiled. “Not really. It broke when he moved away and I never got a chance to see if we could be anything. But you know, it broke in the way a teenager’s heart breaks.”
Presley tilted her head. “Is that somehow different than an adult heart breaking?”
Shifting to get more comfortable, Jilly tried to find the right words to explain it. “It is. As a teen, I didn’t know what a broken heart meant. I pined for him, dreamed about him, imagined us together. But as an adult, when my marriage failed and my heart broke, it was different. It had implications on the rest of my life, not just whether or not my crush would make me roasted marshmallows and sit by me at bonfires.”
The moon created a soft glow in the sky, shining down on them even as different creatures added a strange, chirpy kind of music to the night.
“I think a teenage heartbreak can have some pretty big implications. Over time, how we define love might change, but that doesn’t lessen your feelings from back then. It’s part of who you are. If anything, when you’re young, you don’t know to put your guard up or watch your step. You love uninhibitedly before you learn to try and protect your heart, or only share small pieces of yourself.”
Jilly swirled the wine in her glass, staring into it like it had all the answers. “But I’m not fifteen anymore. I have responsibilities.”
“Everyone has responsibilities. Even at fifteen. They just change. The question is, do you want him to kiss you again?” Lainey didn’t shy away from the hard questions.
A surprised laugh left her lips as she looked over at Presley. “Well, yes, I do. Why is that the question?”
Lainey shrugged. “Because regardless of what happened in the past, him leaving, you embarrassing yourself, your marriage, his stuff with his dad… if you still want to take that step, if his kiss made you feel the way you said it did, then it’s worth taking the step, seeing if there’s anything there to build on. You can protect yourself all you want, but living in a way that doesn’t allow you to get hurt isn’t really the kind of life you want to live, is it?”
Jilly sighed. “I like who he seems to be now more than I liked who he was back then. And that was already a lot.”
Reaching out, Presley put a hand on her arm. “Figuring out who he is now isn’t a legally binding contract, Jilly. Beckett and I are proof positive that you can plan it all out or wing it on a prayer and life will do what it wants regardless. We like to think we’re in control of the whole journey but really, we just get to choose our responses to what happens along the way. Don’t let what you know now, as an adult who has been through what you’ve been through, stop you from believing in the things you did when you were fifteen. When we stop overthinking things, the answer usually turns up.”
Jill took a long swallow of her wine, then looked at Presley. “It’s like you had a dozen fortune cookies memorized for this moment.”
Her friend looked out at the darkening sky. “I thought I had it all planned out. Falling in love with your brother showed me that there’s no amount of planning or preparation you can do for where life leads you. I’m just grateful my ex didn’t want to come to the lodge with me, because honestly,” she said, looking at Jilly now, a sweet smile on her face, “I would have fallen for Beckett anyway, and that would have made for a hell of an awkward trip.”
“There’s a lot at stake,” Jill said quietly.
Presley poked her shoulder. “Yeah? You think you’ll upend your life for him and make a gigantic move just to be closer to him and his family?”
Lainey laughed. Jilly bit her lip, nodding at the point Presley made. She’d done exactly that for love. “We’re all glad you did, but obviously, no. I think I’ll make a fool of myself while we live in the same town and everyone will be here to witness it.”
Lainey got up and moved closer. Presley did the same, only sitting on the other side. She could have used these two around when her marriage fell apart. Lainey had been in contact with her, but the more Jilly found out about Andrew stealing money from his company, from some of their friends, the more she’d hidden and the lonelier she’d felt. This was better.
“That’s what I’m learning about small towns. They’re all up in your business, they have way too much input, but they celebrate your wins, and lift you up when you fall. You’re not alone, Jilly, whether you go down this path with Levi or not. And either way, people will speculate. You have to make the decision for you. You deserve that.”
Huh. It’d been a long time since she’d thought about what she deserved. Her thoughts were generally consumed with what she had to do, had to get done, what Ollie needed, the lodge needed, who would take care of what.
What did she want? Maybe it was time to figure that out. Or acknowledge that she already had.