Thirty-four
Ollie wouldn’t speak to her. Jillian stood outside of her daughter’s bedroom—this was one way to get her to sleep in her own bed—and considered knocking again. Grayson, Beckett, Presley, and her parents were in the kitchen and Jillian didn’t want to see any of them. She wanted everyone to go away so she could crawl into bed and cry or smash her fists into her pillow. The memory of Levi’s face, the shock and sadness, the hurt and anger, made her feel like she was covered in shards of glass. Every breath felt like her skin was tearing.
Walking up the stairs from the basement, where Ollie had asked to have her room moved earlier that year—which Jillian had said she wouldn’t like but her daughter insisted she would—she snuck past the kitchen and into her own bedroom.
She should have known that her mom wouldn’t just let her hide. Edie Keller sat on the edge of Jilly’s bed. Jillian shut the door, leaned against it, and forced herself to take slow, measured breaths.
“Jilly,” her mom said, so much emotion and love in one word that Jillian broke.
Silently, tears streamed down her face, her body shaking.
“Oh, honey.” Her mom walked over, pulled her into her arms, and Jillian fell into them just as the final blocks fell and her emotions came crashing down around her.
She cried into her mom’s shoulder as her mom whispered, “Shh,” in a rhythmic, melodic tone, holding her so tight it was like she thought she could actually absorb her pain.
But she couldn’t. It was woven into Jillian’s skin. It ran in her blood and had seeped into her bones. It existed in every molecule of her being.
“It’s okay, honey. I’m right here. It’ll be okay.”
The thing about falling apart after she’d already hit rock bottom emotionally once in her life was she knew that it would, actually, be okay. One day. Sure, she’d have to see him and work with him and know what it felt like to be in Levi’s arms, to feel his mouth on hers, and his body against her. But she’d be okay. Ollie would be okay. There was no other choice. But it didn’t have to happen right this second.
She held tighter to her mom, let the tears come, hoping that when they’d all been cried, some of the sadness would fade and it would be like a cut. It would heal. She would heal. There’d be new skin over the hurt. It would be rougher and she’d probably always feel the sting of it if she thought about it too hard. There might even be a scar. But she’d be okay. One day. Just not today. And probably not tomorrow.
She wasn’t sure how long she cried but as she came back to herself, she felt empty. Completely devoid of anything. Her mom left and came back with a warm cloth. Jillian tossed all of her Kleenex into the garbage, used the cloth on her sensitive skin, and let out a shuddery breath.
Tossing the cloth into the laundry basket, she sank down onto the side of her bed. “Ollie won’t speak to me.”
“That won’t last,” her mom said, sitting beside her.
“I broke up with Levi.”
Her mom took her hand. “I hope that won’t last either. He makes you happy.”
More tears threatened, so Jillian didn’t focus on that. “You’re selling the house.”
“We are. We didn’t want to drop it on you like this but it’s been busy and it’s been hard to get everyone together.”
“They’re all here now,” Jillian said, her voice unrecognizable.
“They are. Feel up to coming out? Grayson is going to wear a hole in my kitchen tile pacing back and forth with worry.”
The difference between breaking down as a teenager and now was she didn’t have the luxury of hiding away and listening to sad songs on repeat. She had a family, a life. And a hell of a lot of things to get organized and settled.
Taking a deep breath, she clapped both of her hands down onto her thighs, then stood. “Time to face life.”
Her mom stood beside her but caught her arm. Jillian looked at her, seeing the depth of her mom’s sadness, and understood. When Ollie hurt, Jilly hurt. This was no different, and apparently, it didn’t go away just because your kid grew up.
“Everything all at once is too much. But when you face each tiny obstacle, put it behind you, it becomes easier. You’re not alone, Jillian. You absolutely never will be. You can’t predict the future. I know you wish you could, sweet girl. But it doesn’t work like that. You can accept that and embrace the things that make you happy, or you can turn your back on them and fool yourself into thinking that you can protect yourself from anything that hurts.”
She followed her mom into the kitchen and waves of embarrassment threatened to pull her under. Everyone was sitting around the table, concern and worry etched into their faces. Grayson came forward immediately and pulled her into a tight hug.
“I don’t know what the hell happened. Do I need to kick Bright’s ass?”
Jillian’s laugh was muffled against his chest because he was holding her so tight. She pushed away from him. “No.”
“He probably couldn’t anyway, but I could, and will,” Beckett said, standing up and coming around the table to hug her. “What’s going on, Jilly?”
Her dad hugged her next and it smoothed some of her frayed edges. “Sit down, sweetie. I made you some tea.”
They sat around the table, Jilly’s hands wrapped around a cup of lukewarm tea, her family watching her with worry and love.
She told them about Andrew and her day and losing it when Beckett said Ollie was with Levi.
“Wow,” Presley said, her hands flattening on the table. “That’s a lot.”
Jillian nodded.
“That asshole won’t fight for custody, Jillian. You must know that,” Grayson said, his hands clenched on the table.
“Even if he does, we’ll help you with legal fees. We want to downsize, Jillian, not abandon our family,” her dad said.
“I’m sorry. I fell apart,” she said quietly.
“It’s understandable,” Presley said, scooting closer and leaning her head on Jillian’s. “First off, being in love is scary as hell. It’s like falling off a cliff and having no idea what surface you’ll land on. Dealing with idiot exes is no picnic either. And knowing your childhood home isn’t something you’ll be able to come back to is something I could never imagine if I had the connection with my childhood memories that you do.”
Her mom sat down at the table. “We aren’t trying to pull the rug out from under you, and maybe we should have worked harder to get everyone together sooner. We won’t be traveling all the time—Smile is our home—but we want something smaller. We put an offer on a two-bedroom in Northwood.”
Northwood was at the northern tip of Smile, practically at the other end. It was a small, gated community of retirement homes.
“That way we’ll have a room for grandkids to sleep over,” her dad added.
“You only have one grandkid,” Jillian said, as if that were the focal point. Tears burned her eyes.
“For now,” her dad said, smiling at Beckett. “But with your brother getting married eventually, let’s hope we get some more.”
Beckett just laughed. Presley grinned at him and Jillian’s chest loosened. She wasn’t losing her family. Things weren’t ending. They were changing.
“Ollie won’t speak to me.”
“I’ve never heard her yell at you like that,” Grayson said.
“She loves Levi,” Beckett said, somewhat tentatively.
Jillian nodded.
“So do you,” Presley said quietly, and Jillian wondered if she was the only one that heard her. Looking around the table, she knew that Presley wasn’t the only one aware of it.
“It’s easier to push happiness away than accept it,” Beckett said, reaching out to put a hand on Presley’s shoulder. “Makes you feel more like you’re in control. But the truth is, you can avoid him physically, even working with him…”
“Though he hasn’t signed his contract yet. We can fire him,” Gray said, making her laugh.
Beckett continued, “… but it won’t stop you from loving him, Jilly. It won’t keep you from being hurt. You’re hurting now.”
He was right. They were all right, and she knew it, but she needed time to wrap her head around all of it, and all of it felt like so much in this moment. She was hurting, and she’d hurt Levi. He’d called her a coward and that hurt too. Especially when she considered the fact that he might be absolutely right.