Chapter 2 Ghana #2
Nichelle laughed. “And that, I shall be. When is the date?”
“I want a fall wedding, so maybe around late September or mid-October of this year.”
“That’s pretty darn close, pooh. I hope my baby weight is gone by then.” Nichelle giggled.
“I’m confident you’ll snap back in six months.” Kenzi winked. “And my niece will be able to fly by then.”
Her niece.
The niece that she was excited about made my heart drop.
“I need to smoke,” I blurted, standing from my seat.
Kenz looked up at me. “Everything okay?”
“Of course. I’ll be out back.” Truthfully, I was overwhelmed with all the wedding and baby talk. I may have told Kenzi I was good, but I felt the anxiety creeping up my spine like slow heat from a burning furnace. I had to go get some air and blow one to calm my nerves.
I excused myself from the table, went into my smoke room, grabbed a sack and some leafs, then slid the patio door back and stepped out.
I took a seat on the couch and rolled up. Once done, I put fire to the end, inhaled deeply, and let it out slowly.
I relaxed, looking out at the greenery of my land. I purchased this home for us after Nichelle told me she was pregnant. Since she wanted to be closer to her family in Memphis, I got us a six-bedroom, three-bath home in Collierville.
As a literal African American, Ashanti made sure we learned about our African culture.
I planted flowers for Nichelle and a garden for me.
My grass was plush and deep green. I had a gazebo set up across the yard, with a fire pit in the center, for chilly nights when we wanted to enjoy the scenery or watch a movie on the projector.
I wasn’t a heartless nigga.
I wasn’t crazy either.
I was just a man with too many emotions and often thought too damn much, which made me feel overwhelmed and lash out.
I stayed on top of my meds because I refused to hurt the woman I loved or my child she carried.
I pulled on the blunt again, feeling my anxiety coming down with each puff.
The door slid open, and Ruger stepped out with the decanter of bourbon and two glasses.
“Need some company?” he asked.
“Of course, fam,” I said, waving him over.
“I mean, you left a nigga hanging with two chatty-ass women. I figured you wanted some space.” He chuckled.
“My bad. I needed some air. I just forgot to invite you out here.”
“It’s all good.” He took a seat in the chair to the right of me and poured us both a thumb. He handed me a glass, then picked his up and tapped it against mine.
I took a sip, letting the smooth, almond-flavored liquid ease my worries.
“Your home is dope, G.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re doing well for yourself. Got me feeling like a proud father and shit.” We both chuckled, mine being less humorous. “What’s on ya mind, Grue?”
I pulled from the blunt again before smashing it out in the ashtray. “Everything. The more I try to fight the feeling, the more fucked up I feel.”
“I had a learning disability in school. You gotta be more specific.”
I smirked, but then it dropped. “I don’t want to be a father,” I blurted. “I don’t want to get married either. It’s fucked up, and I feel fucked up for even saying this shit, but I’m fucking scared, Ru.”
Silence filled the space, and he allowed me to have my moment before speaking.
“It’s normal to feel scared, man. Every father gets a little nervous about having their first kid.
I already know my ass is going to be nervous as hell once Kenzi has my baby.
Shit, she might be pregnant now, as much as I be—”
“Come on, nigga. Chill.”
He laughed heartily, and I couldn’t help but laugh with him. This time, it was real.
“I just wanted you to perk up, nigga. It’s not the end of the world because you’re about to have a baby, G. Once you lay eyes on her, your whole world is going to change. I promise you.”
“How you know?”
“I’ve seen it firsthand. You think Jax wasn’t a ball of fucking nerves when Sage was born?
That nigga called on Jesus so much, I think He unplugged the phone on his annoying ass.
” We both laughed. “But when she came sliding into this world, that man fell in love with her. Same as Sadé. He’d steal, kill, and destroy anybody that fuck with them or Wes. ”
I nodded. “But Jax ain’t me. He ain’t walking around with mental health issues. I’m fucking terrified that my daughter is going to come out like me. People will judge her; they’ll tell her she’s crazy and try to make her take medicine for showing a deeper emotion than a normal person would.
“I don’t want that for my seed, man. And it hurts because I want to give Nichelle the life she wants.
Out of all the bitches I've fucked, she was the only one who stayed solid. She deserves her happily ever after. I’m just not sure I’m the one to give it to her.
I don’t want to be the villain in her story. ”
“Then don’t be. You’re not a pariah, Grue.
So as a man thinketh, so is he. If you think you’re going to be a fucked-up father, then guess what?
That’s what you’re going to be. Life and death are in the power of the tongue.
Speak life into your home, your relationship, and your baby.
She’s almost here, sent from the Creator to possibly show you that you can be a good dad.
And I don’t doubt you’d be a good husband too. ”
I looked over at him, trying to figure out when this nigga became a damn spiritual philosopher. This was the same man who would pump bullets in niggas when they fucked with his peace on a Sunday. Yet here he was, preaching to me on his peace day.
Shit, maybe that was why he chose this day to meditate and repent for all the sinning his ass did Monday through Saturday.
“Since when did you start reciting biblical verses, nigga?”
He chuckled. “Since I met your crazy-ass sister.”
We laughed as I shook my head. We went silent again, just listening to the crickets that were now coming out since the afternoon ended.
“You own a bookstore. I want you to find a book called The Mind of a Man by Yasmin Cuevas. It’s some real deep shit, and I think it’ll help you focus more. No man or woman is perfect, Ghana. You just gotta tap into the part of your heart that’s good, that feels, that loves unconditionally.”
I nodded in understanding. “You’re right.” I stuck my fist out, and he put his against mine and twisted them to indicate us locking in.
He and his brother, Jaxson, had always been like brothers to me. Even after I tried to break into his bike store, the nigga received me with open arms—after he almost killed me, of course. That was eons ago, and the amount of love he’d shown me over the years was irreplaceable.
I loved him for Kenzi. She deserved to have someone who stood on business about her like me, and Ruger was the perfect person for her. I couldn’t have chosen a better man for the job.
“Thanks for the pep talk, fam. I truly needed that shit.”
“Always, my baby.”