Chapter 9 Ghana #2
I rubbed my beard and looked over at her. She sat with one leg crossed over the other, elbow resting on her knee as her head rested on her balled fist, looking at me. Genuine. Attentive. Alert.
Those pretty-ass eyes sparkled in the sun that was slowly fading into the evening, and I wondered what skin care products she used to make her skin so smooth.
I couldn’t help but acknowledge the angel sitting next to me while the devil was on my other side, encouraging me to take her down just to know what that pretty-ass face looked like twisted up in pleasure.
“You’re beautiful,” I blurted.
She smiled lightly. “Thank you, but let’s stay focused, Mr. Abara.
I notice you like to swerve when trying to avoid saying certain things about yourself.
I want you to be as confident in answering these questions as you are when you’re staring at me unapologetically.
When your thoughts of doing ungodly things with your therapist start to spill, even when you don’t verbally say them. ”
I pressed my tongue into my cheek to avoid the smirk that was creeping up on my face.
“You a mind reader?”
“I read body language. One of my many talents.”
“Humph. Mental note connoisseur and body language reader. What’s the others?”
“I’m not up for discussion. I’m interested in knowing about you, Mr. Abara.”
“Ghana. Just call me Ghana.”
“Noted. I rode on your bike while you almost killed me. The deal was that you talk, so talk.”
I sighed. “I wouldn’t say she never taught us shit; it was her demeanor that made me feel unwanted.
Merrick, my fuck-ass pops, was the first nigga she fell in love with, and he got her pregnant then left.
After she had me, she got with Kenz's dad, and two years later, Kenzi came. I could tell she didn’t fuck with him for real.
Merrick was her first love, and I think she wanted him more than she wanted Quinton.
But she stayed with him because he wasn’t a deadbeat, and he took care of us and our home.
“I think she was a little jealous of the attention he would give me and Kenz, so she would start doing little shit to me, like fucking up my reading time—something that allowed me to escape the recesses of my fucked-up ass mind. She was hard on me, and it only got worse after Q died when I was twelve, and Kenz was ten. A drunk driver took him out. That’s when my rage got worse. ”
“You lost your safe space,” she observed.
I nodded. “I guess you can say that.”
“How did Merrick come back into the picture?”
“I ain’t sure when the nigga came back, because for a long time, it was us three and my nana, Zuri.
She was another one to leave my life that I felt gave a fuck about me besides Q and Kenz.
Once she left me, Ashanti stayed away more than she was home.
I was fifteen when my nana died. That’s when Ashanti started to disappear for days at a time, I assume to be with Merrick's ho ass.
“Then, when I was seventeen, two weeks away from turning eighteen, she tried to move that nigga in, and I told her ass no. She did it anyway, and I crashed out. I blacked out. I always black out when I get to that point and never remember what I did until the fog clears.”
“How did that make you feel when you finally came out of the fog?”
“I felt fucked up because I don’t hit women, but Kenzi told me that she tried to stop me, and I struck her. That’s when she took me to a therapist and got me put on meds that make me feel fucking depressed. It’s the same thing I did to Nichelle when I blacked out on her.”
“What medicine did they prescribe you?”
“Methylphenidate. A low dosage at first, but he upped it once he realized it wasn’t working. Honestly, Mary Jane keeps me calmer than taking that punk-ass medicine, but I won’t lie and say it don’t help. Just make me feel real low vibrational, and I don’t like that feeling.”
“I’ll check into that and see what can be done about prescribing you something that doesn’t have that side effect. I won’t make any promises, because all medicines have side effects, but maybe a better mood stabilizer will help.”
I nodded and looked out into the distance. “I feel like I shouldn’t have told you what happened with Ashanti,” I said, eyes going to her.
“Why?”
“Because now you’re probably scared of me and won’t fuck with me when I shoot my shot after this.”
She tried to suppress her smile, but it came through anyway as she shook her head. “You’re going to miss, and it’s not because of what you did in your past. I’m here to help you, Ghana. I don’t want to mix the two.”
“Then you’re fired.”
She frowned slightly. “Why am I fired?”
“Because I want you, and since you don’t want to mix business with pleasure, then I’ll see if Willow’s available.”
“Ghana—”
“I’m gon’ keep it a buck with you. I know my condition ain’t something you may be interested in seeing a future with, but when I look at you, I feel calm.
Your aura and energy make being around you feel like home.
Don’t think I’m crazy to say that shit, but I’d rather be honest than lie to you.
I ain’t never felt like this before, besides with my nana, with no other woman .
. . not even my sister, and she’s the only one I feel gets me.
I ain’t trying to use you as a coping mechanism, but I want to feel safe again, and I feel like you can be that safe space for me. ”
She looked off, and I tried to make my heart slow the fuck down. I didn’t want to scare her off, but I wouldn’t hide behind my feelings. I needed her to know I was interested. I grabbed her chin lightly with my thumb and pointer finger and turned her face toward mine, voice low, eyes calm.
“Give me a chance to show you how you make me feel. I ain’t gon’ try to fuck you, even though that pussy’s calling out to me.
She smells like when a nigga walks through the door from a hard day’s work, to the smell of a good-ass home-cooked meal waiting for him.
I know you ain’t ready for what will come behind that if you feed me that good shit, but just give me some of your time, your presence, and some of that good-ass energy.
That’s all I want . . . for now. But when I walk through that door, I want my food ready for me to fuck it up. ”
I could see her chest rising and falling rapidly with each breath she took. I leaned closer and pecked her lips.
“Ghana, . . . I—I want to help you.”
“Then give me what I asked for, mama. That’s all I need, and I’ll still fuck with you on the therapy tip. I talk, you give, and I want to clarify that it doesn’t have to be anything sexual. Maybe some dates to get to know each other outside of my pain and condition. Can you fuck wit’ it?”
She let out a heavy breath and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I—can I think about it?”
I shook my head. “Nah. If you have time to think, you’d think too much, and your answer ain’t gon’ make me feel good. Just say yes, mamas. You know you want to.” I smiled and winked at her. That got her to laugh as I joined her.
“I may be making a huge mistake here, but fine. Only under one condition.”
“Anything.”
“You promise to keep things professional at your sessions. No dirty talk. I need you to be focused and willing to get the help you desire. You have to do this for my friend. She’s worried about you.”
I nodded. “I got you. But you have to promise me something too.”
“I already promised you dates, sir, even though this goes against the rules.”
“I just need one more thing.”
“Fine. What is it?”
“Promise me.”
“God, Ghana. I really don’t want to promise you, because I’m a woman who keeps her promises. If what you tell me makes me uncomfortable, I’m going to renege on that promise and feel bad that I promised you.”
“Okay, how about this: pinky swear.” I held out my pinky.
She laughed. “Oh my God! That’s just like a damn promise.”
“But it’s not. It’s a swear. It don’t hold a lot of merit than a real promise.”
“Who told you that lie?”
I chuckled. “Just lock in, Ros.”
“Ros?”
“My ray of sunshine.”
She smiled widely, showcasing those beautiful-ass dimples, then locked her pinky with mine. “Pinky swear.”
“Okay. No matter what I tell you, you won’t look at me differently. That you’d understand me and how my brain works sometimes when I wasn’t on my meds. I’m not a monster.”
“No, you’re not . . . Just misunderstood.”
That shit made my chest open wide, and I slipped a little bit on that four-letter word. Right then, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I fucking fell.