Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
ANITA
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
I walked out of Beckett's house with my head held high.
Was it hard? Maybe a little.
Did I get a mind-blowing orgasm that possibly changed my life? Also, maybe a little.
Had I really given him five minutes to see where it would lead? I sure as fuck did, and I refused to regret it.
My knees wanted to knock together, but I wouldn't let them.
My heart was racing a million miles a minute, but you wouldn't know it by looking at me.
I was the picture of calm.
Or so I thought.
Nyx would prove me wrong. "Did he rock your world?"
I glared at my teammate. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about." I sure as hell wasn't about to make this easy on her. "Let's get the hell out of here."
I didn't object when Nyx insisted on driving. It was probably for the best. I wasn't sure I would be able to focus enough to get us back to the compound alive. I prided myself on control in all aspects of my life, but right now, my world was a little off-kilter.
I blamed Beckett and his magical fingers. No man should have that kind of talent.
"You know it's okay to not be a robot all the time."
I snapped my head in Nyx's direction. She didn't take her eyes off the road. For a brief second, I wondered if she even spoke or if it was my mind playing tricks on me.
"I have no idea what you mean," I grumbled half to myself.
"Yes you do. You just refuse to acknowledge that flaw in your personality."
What the fuck? Where was this coming from? We weren't the kind of teammates who had heart-to-hearts. We survived because we left emotions out of the equation. Yet for some reason, I still asked, "What flaw are you talking about?"
"Your obsession with being a robot who doesn't feel anything. After Nova disappeared, you turned off all emotions, and we let you. We thought it was the best way for you to cope, but now I'm wondering if we made a mistake."
"I didn't turn off all emotions. I've wanted nothing but revenge this whole time," I clarified. "And what do you mean, we? Are you guys having team meetings behind my back?" I couldn't keep the anger out of my tone.
"My bad." I could hear the eye roll even if I couldn't see it since Nyx was still hyper focused on the road ahead of us.
"How could I forget that you've been surviving off revenge alone?
It's okay to feel other emotions though.
Nova wouldn't be mad at you for continuing to live.
I would even venture to say she would encourage it. "
"How the hell would you know?" I snapped. "You knew her for less than a year before she disappeared. I knew her my whole life. She was my best friend."
"Exactly! And there isn't a best friend in the world who would want the people in their lives to stop living. I might not have known Nova as long as you, but I know damn well she was full of life."
She was. Nova was the best of us. She saw the world in a positive light as where I saw nothing but darkness.
We balanced each other out so well. When we talked about starting Ghost Team, Nova wanted to do it to help others.
To see the joy on the victims’ faces when we rescued them.
I wanted to end the lives of the assholes who hurt them. I relished in the pain I would cause.
Now there was just me. I took out the scum and let others relish in the victories.
"She deserves justice," I grumbled.
"I'm not saying she doesn't but at the expensive of your happiness? I don't think so."
Did I want to be happy?
Honestly I didn't even know how that would look after all this time.
"All I'm saying is, if Special Agent Walsh can take the edge off even for a little while, then why not let him? What's the harm?"
"He's a federal agent, and I'm an assassin. He literally arrests people like me. There's no world where we could work out."
Nyx chuckled. "I'm not saying you need to marry him.
I'm just talking about fucking him, then leaving.
No pillow talk. No cuddling. Certainly no telling him what you do for a living.
Just a good ole roll in the hay and then be on your way.
Kinda like you do with every other man you've used for sex. "
She wasn't wrong. Sex was nothing more than a release for me. I didn't even give a shit about the men I slept with. They were a means to an end. But could I lump Beckett in with the rest of them?
"I hate him though."
Nyx laughed so hard I thought she was going to have to pull over before we crashed.
It took several moments before she was able to speak.
"So what? There's a reason the trope enemies to lovers exists.
Hate sex is the best kind. Full of passion.
And based off what I saw, he's packing. Hopefully he knows how to use what he got. "
If his cock was anything like his fingers, there was no doubt in my mind he knew how to use what God gave him.
"All I'm saying is just think about it. You don't need to make the decision right now but don't write him off either."
I would do as Nyx asked. Not because she told me to but because it had been a long time, and maybe a few good orgasms was what I needed. I sure felt better after the one he gave me even if it was only for a few moments.
I kept quiet the rest of the ride back to the compound. I sat with my thoughts while Nyx jammed out to the radio. We didn't have the same taste in music, so I did my best to ignore it.
Nyx barely had the vehicle stopped before I was jumping out.
"Where the hell are you going?"
"To speak to Mason," I threw over my shoulder. "We were interrupted, but I still have questions for him."
Nyx was hot on my heels. I didn't know why nor did I ask. I didn't need a babysitter, but if she wanted to watch as I “talked” to Mason, then so be it.
I skidded to a stop when I entered the cell and found it empty. Well, not really empty. Sloane and Lilith were waiting in there for me, but there was no Mason.
"What the fuck!" I seethed. "Where's Mason?"
"We let him go." Sloane approached me without a care in the world that I was seconds away from tearing her apart for what she just said.
"What the hell do you mean you let him go? Why the fuck would you do that?"
"Because Hawk said to, and I trust them to know what's right for us."
What?!
"How did Hawk even know Mason was here?"
"Hawk knows everything. You're aware of this. They said we had other priorities to worry about and to stop wasting our time with Mason."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It took me seven years to finally get my hands on Mason, and Sloane just let him go like that time meant nothing.
I struck so fast that Sloane barely had time to go on the defensive before I had her by the throat up against the wall. "You had no right," I screamed in her face. "I don't give a shit what Hawk said; we make decisions as a team."
"We did decide as a team," Lilith spoke quietly. "The three of us decided to listen to Hawk's recommendation."
Now it all made sense. My teammates had conspired against me.
"So that's how it's going to be? You're just cutting me out? I'm the reason this team even exists. I brought each of you in, and this is how you repay me?" I glared at each of my teammates even though Sloane was the one pinned under my hand.
"No one is cutting you out." Nyx placed her hand on my arm.
"But if you continue down the path you're going, this team won't survive.
In all our years together, we've never fought as much as we have this week.
Tensions are high. I understand that. Finally finding Mason has brought a lot of feelings to the surface.
Again, I get that, but you should be leaning on us.
Not fighting with us every chance you get. "
I glanced back at Sloane. She wasn't fighting me. Her hands were down by her side, and although she should've been staring me down, I could see she wasn't mad at my outburst. "I know it seems like we're on opposing sides lately, but I promise I'm here for you."
I dropped my hand to my side and took one large step back.
My teammates were right. I was the reason our team was currently splintering. I was losing myself and taking them down with me. They didn't deserve that. "I'm sorry."
I could count the number of times I've said those two words on one hand. It was rare I admitted I was wrong. It was even more rare that I considered something I did wrong. Normally I stood firm behind my actions, but I could see the mistakes I was making.
"I never meant for things to get this bad. I knew I was struggling, but I thought I could get a handle on it."
"You've been the strong one all this time. You've helped each of us over the years but not once did you need us. Now you do, and it's okay to admit it. We don't think any less of you for it." Nyx gave me a lopsided smile.
"I'm worried I'll never find out what happened to Nova. At least while I was looking for Mason, it gave me something to focus on, but now I have nothing left except to question Alexander, and we all know he will take pleasure in not telling me anything."
"We'll cross that bridge when the time comes," Sloane assured me. "Either way, we'll be right there with you trying to find the answers. Just don't shut us out. We're better as a team."
As a team. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that, but thankfully my friends were there to remind me of it. We would get through this no matter what it took and no matter what obstacles life threw at us because that's what friends did.
And Nova would want me to work with my teammates. It was why she wanted to start the team. So it would never just be the two of us again.
I'm doing this for you, Nova. To make you proud. So that way, when we're together again, you can see I was the best version of myself for you. Always for you.