Chapter 13
LOUIS
I couldn’t have looked away from him if I’d tried. There was heat in his eyes. And a healthy dose of fear. But I thought at the moment, it was the heat that was winning out.
“Can I come in?”
He swallowed hard, but gave a brief nod, then stood back to let me in. I stepped past him into his living space, my glasses immediately clouding at the warmth. I removed them, using my sweater to clear the fog, grateful for the distraction which gave me a moment to think.
I looked around his space, realizing it was the first time I’d actually stepped inside.
It was cozy, with a worn recliner in the center of the room facing the TV, and books stacked on nearly every surface.
There was a paperback sitting open on the arm of the chair, spine resting up, but I couldn’t see the title from here.
I saw pens and a pad of paper on a small table sitting next to the recliner where a remote, a coaster, and a small lamp also resided.
I wondered if it was the book he was preparing to narrate.
I turned back to face him, wanting to focus on the topic at hand.
He was still standing by the door, fidgeting, like he didn’t know what to do with his hands.
Up until this afternoon, this man had been locked up tight, completely unreadable.
But now, standing in the middle of his living room, I could see a myriad of emotions playing on his face like a prism reflecting rays of light. Confusion. Nerves. Want. Desire. Fear.
I’d started across the room, making my way toward him, but that last one had me pulling up short.
Matthew was attractive as hell; I’d thought so from the moment I’d landed on his doorstep in nothing but a towel.
A man like that, showing interest in me, would ordinarily be a green light.
Let the sexy times begin. But it was clear he was battling something inside himself, and I wasn’t about to push him if he wasn’t ready.
“Why don’t you come sit down?”
“I’m okay.”
I sat on the loveseat adjacent to the recliner. “I’m not going to jump you, Matty. You don’t even have to sit next to me. I just want to talk.”
Cautiously, like a starved animal being offered a scrap of food, he crossed the room and took a seat in his recliner.
“What did you mean when you said your feelings were anything but friendly?”
He fidgeted with an invisible spot on his jeans, and when he finally looked up at me, he wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I think you know exactly what I meant.”
“I need you to say it. I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding here.”
He huffed. “You were looking at me like . . .”
“Looking at you . . . ?”
He shifted uncomfortably. “You just had this look in your eye and it made me feel . . .”
He kept trailing off, like he was afraid to give voice to his thoughts, but I thought maybe that was exactly what he needed to do. “Made you feel what exactly?”
He glared at me, but I continued to wait for his response, feeling an odd sense of calm.
It was usually me freaking out, blowing things way out of proportion and overthinking, but this situation wasn’t about me and my feelings.
It was evident he was experiencing some things that were new to him, and the last thing I wanted to do was make the entire situation harder for him by making a bigger deal than it needed to be.
“It made me want things that I’d never wanted before.”
“Things with a man?”
“Yes.”
“With me?”
“Yes, dammit!”
“And that upset you?” I didn’t want to be hurt by his answer. It was obvious that it was a yes. It was written all over him. The question was, was he upset that he was attracted to a man or was he upset that he was attracted to me?
He stood up and began to pace, running his fingers roughly through his hair.
“It’s confusing. How can I feel this way when I’ve never even looked at a guy like that before?
I’ve been in love with Ally for almost twenty-five years, and then I read one gay sex scene and have dinner with a man, and I’m rocking a hard-on in another guy’s living room. ”
He stopped pacing and turned to look at me, eyes wide as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just revealed. Was he hard now? I desperately wanted to look, but if he caught me, I thought there was a good chance it would scare him away.
I stood and walked slowly toward him, trying not to make any sudden moves. He was shifty, like a caged animal, and I put my hands in front of me to show him I meant no harm.
“Are you upset because you have feelings for a man? Or because it’s for someone other than Ally?”
His shoulders slumped and his chin dropped to his chest. “I don’t know. Both, probably.”
I studied him, trying to put myself in his shoes.
What must it be like to find out that a concrete part of who you were was maybe not so concrete after all?
I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t know I was gay.
There were certainly times when I hid it, but it was always a fact of who I was.
How would I feel if I found myself attracted to a woman when I’d never felt that way before?
The thought was unsettling.
“How can I help you? Do you want to talk about it?”
He glared at me again. “Do you really think I’m the kind of guy who wants to talk through my feelings?” He said the word “feelings” like its letters were filled with venom, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I suppose not. But I am happy to answer questions, if you have them?”
“No. No questions. I just need the space to think.”
“Alright.” I stood. “I can take a hint.” I crossed the room, heading toward the door, but I couldn’t resist sharing a parting thought.
“I know it’s a lot to think about, and honestly, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in your position, but I can tell you that being gay .
. . well, I’ve never regretted who I am.
I might sometimes have wished people were more accepting—and thankfully that’s getting better than it was when I was growing up—but I’ve never wished not to be gay.
I’ve enjoyed quite a few men over the years, and I’d never want it any other way. ”
He eyed me, but his expression was unreadable, and he didn’t offer a response. “Merry Christmas, Matthew,” I said softly, and stepped back out into the cold night air.