Chapter 14
MATTHEW
I spent the day after Christmas attempting to avoid thinking about Louis. I was wildly unsuccessful.
With it being the day after a holiday, business was slow, so work didn’t provide a suitable distraction, and on the few occasions a customer did enter the store, I found myself disappointed that it wasn’t Louis walking through the door.
Which was ridiculous. I’d told him I needed space to sort through the turmoil in my head, and I couldn’t do that with him right next to me.
He was a distraction. He made me feel things.
Uncomfortable things that I didn’t want to address.
I thought about him anyway.
In between failed attempts at not thinking about my predicament, I’d also finished preparing to record the audiobook.
A part of me had wanted to avoid the book altogether, to contact the author’s PA and let them know I’d be backing out, but after Louis had left Christmas night, the damn book had plagued me, just sitting there next to my chair as if it were staring at me, daring me to finish it.
After glaring at it, I’d picked it up, and had immediately been pulled back into the story.
I’d finished reading around midnight, and damned if I hadn’t needed to take care of another raging hard-on.
And I wasn’t even willing to discuss the fact that the image I’d had in my mind as I was doing so was of a slender bald man in black horn-rimmed glasses.
So yesterday, with the day mostly free from distraction, I’d begun my digital reread of the book, underlining and highlighting bits of text on my iPad using the system I’d devised to help me bring life to the characters.
I’d worked on it most of the day, and had even recorded several chapters in the wee hours when I hadn’t been able to sleep.
Feeling a sense of gratification that I’d finally accomplished something positive, I’d crawled into bed at two a.m. only to spend another forty-five minutes staring at the ceiling thinking about . . . you guessed it, Louis.
This morning, I woke up to four inches of snow and a headache.
After clearing the walkway and stairs that served the upstairs units of our building, I shoveled the sidewalk outside the storefronts as well.
I’d hoped the physical labor would put me in a better mood, but a little over an hour later, I was just as pissy and my headache was threatening to turn into a migraine.
I took some ibuprofen, then stepped into the shower, letting the hot water run over my aching muscles for a solid five minutes without moving.
Everything felt heavy. My muscles. My thoughts.
My heart. And damned if I wasn’t tired of feeling that way.
I’d never been one for fits of exuberance, but I’d certainly felt happiness in my life. Contentment. Peace.
And while I couldn’t say I’d felt a lot of that since Ally’s passing, over the last couple of months, I’d thought perhaps I was finally finding peace, at least. And maybe over time, I’d find contentment too.
Then a half-naked man crashed into my life four days ago and shook everything up all over again.
It wasn’t his fault it happened to coincide with my reading of a gay romance novel, or the awakening that had followed.
Were the two things exclusive of each other?
Had the book stirred something inside me that had me looking at Louis in a different light?
Or had I felt some sort of attraction for him without realizing it until I’d read that damn book?
The two things seemed to be interconnected.
Not that it really mattered which came first. The fact remained that the attraction was there, no matter which spark ignited it.
The question was, was I going to do anything about it?
I finished my shower, pointedly ignoring my erection once again, and got dressed for work.
Business at the shop was still slow. Over the years, I’d learned that the week between Christmas and New Year’s could be unpredictable for sales, largely depending on the weather and which day of the week the holidays fell.
Four inches of snow wasn’t anything we weren’t used to in this part of the country, but perhaps folks had taken today to travel.
I wasn’t sure if I was relieved to be able to continue to brood in peace or if I was going stir crazy by the lack of distraction.
I was interrupted by a burst of cold air and the jangle of bells as the door opened and Louis walked in.
“Hi. Um . . . Sorry to interrupt. And I know you wanted space to think, so I won’t bother you.
I just thought I’d look for a book or two to read for the rest of the week before I head back to the city.
I feel like I’ve seen everything Netflix has to offer at this point, so, um . . . yeah, I’ll just browse around.”
His cheeks, already rosy from the cold air, flushed a little deeper as he barreled through his little speech.
It was pretty obvious his curiosity had gotten the best of him, and I wondered how long he’d practiced what he was going to say before coming down here.
I glanced at the clock, noting the time was just shy of eleven thirty, and was impressed he’d almost made it a day and a half before coming down.
I rose from my chair in the corner, sending Ernie scrambling. He gave a disgruntled mew, then jumped right back into the seat I’d just vacated. “What kinds of books are you looking for?” I asked, locking the screen on my iPad and moving over to set it on the shelf below the cash register.
“Oh.” He waved me off. “No need to help. I can poke around on my own.”
“Suit yourself,” I said, picking my iPad back up and settling onto the stool behind the counter.
The iPad may have been in my hands, but that certainly didn’t mean I was looking at it.
Instead, my eyes trailed Louis as he picked up a book in the biographies section, read the synopsis, then put it back.
He moved a little way down, picked up something from the YA section, glanced at it, then put it back too.
When he picked up a copy of Junie B. Jones, I set my iPad down again, unable to resist crossing over to him and giving him a hard time.
“Graduated to chapter books, have you?”
“What . . . ?” He looked down at the book in his hand, his face coloring adorably—adorably?—when he realized what he’d picked up.
“It’s . . . uh . . . f-for my niece.”
“Didn’t you tell me she was just a couple of weeks old?”
“It’s never too soon to start collecting books. Reading is critical for a child’s development, you know.”
“Yes, I do know.” I took the book from Louis’s hand and returned it to the shelf. “What are you really doing down here?”
He at least had the decency to look sheepish. “I just wanted to see if you were okay after . . . everything that happened the other day.”
“I’m . . . honestly, I’m still processing.”
“That’s fair.”
My lip twitched. “Glad you think so.”
“Oh, look at that. You do have a sense of humor.”
I glared at him.
He laughed. “That’s not gonna work on me, big guy.”
“What does work on you?”
“I’m not sure you’re ready for the answer to that question.” The phrase was so heavily loaded with innuendo, it had blood rushing directly south. His eyes widened and he took a step back. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
I took a step forward. “I told you—”
He took another step back. “Flirting is second nature.”
I stepped forward again. “Louis, stop.”
“I didn’t mean to—”
I stepped right up into his space, my chest bumping against his as his back collided with the bookshelf. “I told you to stop apologizing.”
“I’m sor—”
I pressed my finger to the center of his lips, stopping him from finishing that sentence.
His eyes widened behind those sexy glasses, and I could feel the little puffs of breath against my finger.
Our chests heaved, my pulse raced, and my cock strained against the fly of my jeans.
Days of pent-up sexual confusion coalesced into a single, crystal-clear thought. I wanted to kiss him.
In that moment, it was the only thing that mattered.
Fuck whatever this sexual awakening was.
Fuck the fact that he was a man. Fuck the fact that there’d been no one else since Ally.
Louis was in my bookshop, his body pressed against mine, and I wanted him.
I found him sexy. I found him interesting.
I found him so damned attractive. I’d sort out the rest later.
I bent forward and replaced my finger with my lips.
His were smoother than I’d expected. Warm and soft.
Pliant. He returned the pressure, silently encouraging me to continue, so I took his jaw in my hands and angled his head for better access.
When my tongue traced the seam of his mouth, he gasped, and I pulled away concerned that I’d gone too far.
“I’m sorry. I should have asked first, I—”
“Uh-uh. If I don’t get to apologize, neither do you.”
“I think the circumstances are a little different here.”
“Okay, honey. Consent is definitely sexy, but you have mine. Okay? You are welcome to kiss the shit out of me. In fact, I encourage it.”
“Kiss the shit out of you?” I said with a smirk.
“Shut up. You know what I mean.”
I couldn’t help but smile. An honest-to-god grin. He was so ridiculous. And fun. He was fun. Jesus. When was the last time I’d had any of that?
I leaned forward, but the moment our lips touched, the jangle of the bells had us springing apart.
I hadn’t had a customer come in for over an hour, so of course this was the moment someone stepped into my store.
I looked up to see Janelle, one of the town’s librarians standing in the doorway, desperately trying—and failing—to look like she hadn’t just walked in on me locked in an embrace with another man.
Fuck. The whole town would know by dinnertime.
“What can I help you with, Janelle?”
“Oh. I hope I’m not being a bother.” The expression on her face said she was clearly delighted to be a bother.
“I was just wanting to pick up my order from last week. I meant to do it the other day, but I got caught up in last-minute preparations for the holiday and ran out of time. I’m leaving tomorrow to go spend the week with my daughter’s family, and some of my gifts are in that order, so I just thought I’d pop in and pick it up.
Otherwise, I would have just, um . . .” Her eyes darted between the two of us. “Come back tomorrow.”
The good news was that this little speech had been very effective in cooling down my erection.
The bad news was that Janelle was just about as gossipy as they came.
Honestly, it was a small town, so most folks were that way.
I could only hope the fact that she was leaving tomorrow might prevent her from spreading the information too far.
I glanced at Louis, who had the guilty look of a kid who’d just been caught snooping on his Christmas gifts.
I turned away from him and made my way over to the counter where I kept the books that had been ordered.
Most had been picked up before the holiday, but sure enough, Janelle’s order was still sitting bundled on the shelf.
I pulled it out, noting that she’d already paid, and handed it to her while forcing a smile. “Have a safe trip, Janelle.”
“Thank you. I’m sure we will. And you . . .” Her eyes flicked between Louis and me again, her smile overly bright. “Have a good rest of your day.”
She glanced between both of us one more time, then exited the shop.
The moment the door was closed behind her, Louis came rushing over. “Do you think she saw anything?”
“Oh, I’m sure she got an eyeful.”
“Do you think she’ll say anything.”
“I’m sure half the town already knows by now.”
“Shit. I’m sor—”
I shot him a glare.
“Well, I am. If it weren’t for me, none of this would have happened.”
“I was the one who kissed you.”
“Yeah, but—”
He stopped when I reached out and brushed my thumb along his jaw. “I don’t regret it.”
“You don’t?”
I sighed. “I would have liked some privacy while I sorted myself out, but no, I don’t regret kissing you.” I pinched his chin between my fingers. “In fact, I’d like to do it again.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I bent forward and pressed my lips to his once more, lingering for just a moment before pulling back and licking my lips. “Now that I’ve had a taste, I’m definitely wanting more.”
“Jesus,” he breathed, eyes a little hazy.
“You see those steps right there?” He flicked a glance in the direction I nodded. “Those take you up to my apartment. Give me thirty minutes to close up, then we can continue what we started.”
“Don’t you, um, have a couple more hours before you close?”
“The beauty of owning your own business, is that you can close early.”
“Oh. I’ll just, uh . . . head up, then.” He laughed, but it came out more like a giggle, then he turned and made his way to the stairs, muttering under his breath as he went. “Jesus, what is wrong with me. I’m fucking forty-two. It’s not like this is my first gay rodeo. Get it together, Louis.”
I couldn’t help but smile. He was clearly flustered, and I very much liked the fact that I was the reason for it.