Chapter 15
LOUIS
I paced the floor of Matthew’s apartment, unsure what to do with myself while I waited.
I’d never been very good at waiting. It wasn’t so much that I was impatient. It was that my anxiety was usually tied to anticipation of what was to come, like what present I was getting for my birthday, or worry over something unknown, like a blind date. In this case, it was both.
That kiss had been unexpected. One moment he’d said he was still processing, and the next he had me pressed up against a bookshelf, his lips locked on mine. For a kiss that hadn’t even involved tongues, it had been hot as hell. And the feel of his body flush against mine had done things to me.
Matthew was so fucking masculine. Broad, muscular shoulders.
Thick beard. Flannel. The men I’d gone out with in the city had been manscaped, pedicured, and impeccably dressed.
They’d been season ticket holders of the symphony and patrons of the art museum.
On the rare occasion I’d dated an outdoorsy type, they’d been of the weekend-warrior variety, more interested in easy day hikes and drinking beer around the campfire than any sort of actual rugged mountain-man activities.
Not that I would have known how to execute any of those types of activities myself.
I was also manscaped, pedicured, and impeccably dressed. And not one bit ashamed of it.
But there was something about Matthew’s rugged looks and sturdy build that had my libido cranked up to eleven. And that damn growl of his. Fuck. The shit-stirring side of me wanted to poke at him just to see if I could make him growl like that again.
Of course, that was assuming he hadn’t changed his mind.
It had been twenty minutes since I’d made my way up to his apartment, which was plenty of time for him to cool off and decide maybe he wasn’t ready for a gay roll in the hay just yet.
And that was fine, honestly. I’d be disappointed for sure, but it was more important that this thing developed at whatever pace he set.
I just hoped he wouldn’t changed his mind for good.
The tread of heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs on the other side of the door, and I whirled around, nervously wiping my sweaty palms on my pants. Ernie darted across the room just a moment before the door opened and Matthew stepped into the room.
“You’re early,” I said as he took the last step, then started walking toward me.
His brows shot up. “Were you timing me?”
“No. You said thirty minutes and it’s only been . . .” I looked for a clock, my eyes darting around the space and coming up empty. Impulsively, I grabbed his wrist and looked at his watch. “Twenty-two minutes.”
He raised an eyebrow, eyes lit with humor. “Do you want me to go back downstairs for eight more minutes?”
“No, of course not. I was just . . .” I trailed off as he turned his hand in mine then tugged me forward until I was fully in his space, standing chest to chest. He bent his head toward me, moving so slowly I thought I might die from the anticipation of it.
His lips stopped just a breath away from mine, and his eyes flicked back and forth as if he was searching for something.
“What?” I whispered.
“Your eyes are beautiful.”
“They’re just a boring brown.”
A puff of air escaped his lips, brushing mine like a caress. “There’s not a single thing about you that’s boring.”
And then finally, he closed the distance between us.
His lips slid against mine, but he surprised me when his tongue flicked out to trace the seam of my mouth.
My lips parted and he didn’t hesitate to accept my invitation, slipping his tongue inside and brushing against mine in a move that was at first tentative and then quickly transformed into something dominant.
I shivered as his hands slid up my arms, took position at my jawline, and tilted my head to the angle he wanted.
He dove in, the kiss becoming more aggressive as he plundered my mouth, while his beard abraded my skin in the most delicious way.
For a man who’d only just begun to explore a sexuality that was something other than straight, he didn’t appear to be having any difficulty commanding my mouth.
I couldn’t say I minded one damn bit.
My hands found their way to his waist, settling on his hips and holding there while he continued taking me apart with his mouth alone. We were already standing chest to chest, but I took a step forward, bringing the rest of my body flush with his, my hip coming into contact with his erection.
His erection.
Good god, he was hard for me. He’d said he was attracted to me.
He’d said he wanted to kiss me. But the very real physical evidence of that desire was pressed against me, and fuck if I wasn’t humbled by it.
I wasn’t sure why his awakening was happening now, but the fact that it was happening with me had me feeling like I’d been given the most precious gift. I didn’t want to fuck it up.
With great reluctance, and willpower I didn’t know I possessed, I pulled back.
“What? What’s wrong?”
I smiled at the worry in his eyes, hoping to reassure him.
“Absolutely nothing. But I need to know that you’re sure about this.
Two days ago, you ran out of my apartment like your hair was on fire.
You were afraid to sit next to me on the couch, afraid of what you were feeling and what it all meant.
An hour ago you said you were still processing.
Thirty minutes ago, you had me pressed against a bookshelf.
And now . . . now you’re kissing me like you were born to do it.
To be clear, I’m not unhappy with the way things have evolved, but my head’s spinning.
And if my head is spinning, I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling.
So I guess I just want to make sure this is what you want.
I don’t want this to be something you regret because your judgment was clouded by lust.”
He stepped back and scrubbed a hand down his face like he was frustrated. I hated that I was the cause of it, but I didn’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I didn’t pump the breaks and force him to be sure.
“Honestly, I don’t want to think about any of it anymore.”
My heart sank straight into my feet. But that was okay.
Better he cut this off now before I was fully invested.
My disappointment must have shown on my face because he rushed to say, “I don’t want to stop.
That’s not what I’m saying.” He brushed his hand down my arm and took my hand in his in a gesture that was unbearably sweet.
“I just mean that when I’m kissing you, I stop worrying about what it all means.
About the what-ifs and hypotheticals. I stop thinking and just . . . feel.”
He released my hand and turned away to pace while he gathered his thoughts.
For once, I managed to keep my mouth shut rather than rushing to fill the silence.
At length, he turned back to face me. “When I kissed you downstairs, it was because I realized in that moment there wasn’t anything I wanted more.
I needed to know what you tasted like, how your lips felt against mine.
Suddenly everything else seemed unimportant. ”
Oh wow. Oh shit. That was maybe the most romantic—and hottest—thing anyone had ever said to me. Jesus. Were those tears forming in my eyes? I blinked rapidly and adjusted my glasses, hoping he wouldn’t notice.
“Those twenty minutes I was downstairs? My brain was spinning nonstop. I was actually going to send you home once I got up here. But then I walked through the door, and I saw you, and all I could think about was kissing you again. It felt like I might die if I never got the chance.”
At last, he closed the distance between us, not stopping until he was standing in front of me just a few inches away.
He tipped my chin up, his blue eyes piercing mine.
“There’s only one other person who ever made me feel that way—like my life wouldn’t have any meaning without knowing what she tasted like.
She was the love of my life. And I’m not saying I’m in love with you, but there wasn’t a single moment since the day I met her that I regretted choosing to be with her.
I don’t understand why this is happening now, why I never knew these things about myself before.
But I think that if I don’t take the opportunity to explore this with you, I’ll regret it. Maybe for the rest of my life.”
I stopped breathing, unable to form words to respond.
I’d been wrong a moment ago. This was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to me.
My whole life, I’d been told I was too much.
Too loud. Too brash. Too direct. I was annoying.
A pest. Like your kid brother who followed you around all the time and wouldn’t leave you alone.
But this man was actually saying he wanted more of me?
That it would be his biggest regret if he didn’t pursue me.
Me. I knew this was likely only about sex for him—the man clearly still loved his wife—but still, it didn’t seem possible that I was the one he felt was worthy of exploration.
I swallowed hard, trying to figure out what came next. What was I supposed to say after such a declaration? I swallowed one more time, gathering myself. “I’m here for for the rest of the week. You have me until then.”
I thought his breath hitched, but I couldn’t be sure. He slowly brushed his thumb across my lower lip. “Is there anything off limits?”
“I’m not into any wild kinks, but anything can be up for discussion if there’s something you have in mind . . .” I raised an eyebrow in question, curious to know just how far he was willing to take this.
“Take this off.” He tugged at the hem of my sweater, and I moved to comply, quickly yanking it over my head and tossing it on the floor.
“What about you? Do I get to see you too?” I couldn’t help but ask.