Chapter 13
Erik
Icould hear Sonny’s regular breaths in the bedroom, quiet and reassuring. It was nice to hear sounds in the cottage that wasn’t just me walking around on my own.
In fact, I was thoroughly enjoying having them there, having Sonny in my bed and Declan right beside me on the couch. I was enjoying it too much and it made me feel guilty.
Sonny could have been really badly hurt, if I hadn’t been there to slide into the water after him and carry him somewhere warm quickly. And Declan was worried about Sonny and freaking out about the possibility of driving on the snow-covered roads.
I understood his fear, a little. The roads were narrow and twisted and turned. Covered in snow, the edges of the road weren’t visible and any car could slide off the lane and down into the ditch at the side. Or someone driving too fast could skid. That was the biggest risk.
I made sure my thigh was pressed against Declan’s to give him comfort as we sat together, without me draping myself all over him. I quite wanted to slide my tentacles around his shoulders and his waist and hold him tightly so he would know I’d never let him go out there alone again.
Obviously I didn’t. He wasn’t interested in me, he was in love with Sonny.
Not to mention he would freak out at the sight of my tentacles. Even other shifters found them creepy and slimy, so a human would hate them.
Suddenly my happiness dimmed a bit. Sitting so close to Declan wasn’t as fun any more.
I cleared my throat.
“I wasn’t expecting any guests this Christmas,” I began.
“Sorry,” said Declan quickly. “I didn’t mean to crash your cottage.”
“That’s not what I was saying. I meant I’m sorry there are no Christmas decorations up. It doesn’t look very festive.”
Declan looked around the small room. “It’s nice, though. Does the fireplace work?”
“Yes.”
“Sonny will love that.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded. “Sonny loves to sit by a fireplace and watch the flames.”
“I like doing that, too. When Sonny wakes up, I’ll put the fire on and he can sit here. I might have marshmallows as well.”
“Thank you.”
“Not at all,” I said, and studied Declan’s face. His mouth was set in the same hard line I’d seen before, nothing more than a slight tensing of his jaw, but I’d come to learn what it meant. It meant he was struggling. “What’s the matter?”
He shook his head.
“What is it?” I pressed.
“He-he was gone so quickly. One second he was skating around, the next he wasn’t even there.”
“He’s okay now,” I reminded him.
Declan nodded but his eyes were down and I hated that he wasn’t looking me in the eyes.
I reached out a hand slowly, not sure if I was crossing a line. My fingers brushed against his cheek and I encouraged him to turn his head to face me fully. “Declan? Tell me.”
“I couldn’t get to him,” he said. I heard the thickness of his voice, the way he had to force it up his throat. “He could have died and it was all my fault.”
I reeled back like he’d slapped me.
“Why would it be your fault?”
“I brought him to the lake.”
“You aren’t responsible for the ice breaking, Declan. Nobody is responsible for that, it’s just one of those things.”
“But I was the one who wanted to come to the lake and I was the one who persuaded him to go skating. If I hadn’t wanted to go on a date with him then he wouldn’t have been there. He wouldn’t have fallen. He could have died, Erik.”
My denial froze on my tongue. I wanted to reassure Declan but it was a lie to deny it.
Sonny could easily have died if I hadn’t been there.
Even another human going into the water after him wouldn’t have saved him.
He would have sunk and the human would have sunk right after him, struggling together below the surface and trapped by the ice.
I shivered.
“He didn’t die,” I said at last. “He’s alive. We saved him.”
“You saved him. I couldn’t even stand up quickly enough. It took me forever to get across the lake and you had already brought him to the surface again. If you hadn’t been there—”
“I was nearer than you, and I’m able-bodied.”
“I know.”
He wasn’t meeting my eyes again. I couldn’t resist pushing closer, making him look at me.
“Declan, nobody else could have got there quickly enough either. Only me. I’m-I’m trained to do that.”
It was a lie, but as close to the truth as I could get. I wasn’t trained to go in, I was born to go into the water.
He nodded slowly. I pressed further.
“It’s not your fault. There were a dozen people skating on that lake yesterday, and any one of them could have skated over that patch of thin ice.”
It was the wrong thing to say. Declan raised his eyes to meet mine and they were wide with panic.
“Mr Parker’s grandchildren could have fallen in!”
“Yes, or one of that couple. Or anyone else. It happened to be Sonny because it was random. Nobody could have predicted it. Nobody could have prevented it.”
Declan was breathing quickly and I gave in to my instinct, leaning up to slide my arm around his shoulder and pull him towards me.
He was taller than I was, so it was an awkward angle.
If he hadn’t come with me, it would have been uncomfortable for both of us but Declan slumped down towards me, turning his face into my neck and taking deep, shaky breaths.
If I could just let my tentacles out, I could wrap him up completely without him having to lean to the side like this.
After a moment, I patted his shoulder and he took the hint and pulled back, sitting upright and wiping his eyes subtly, as though I wouldn’t notice.
I hadn’t wanted to let him go but the angle had twisted his back and he couldn’t stay like that for long. I’d been working on his posture for months to ensure his back stayed strong, so I didn’t want to ruin it now with five minutes of cuddling.
I searched around for a different topic, something that would take his mind off replaying that terrible scene again and again in his mind.
“I’ve got some decorations in the loft. Do you want to help me put some up? If you and Sonny are going to be here for a couple of days, at least we can make it festive for him.”
Maybe it was underhanded of me to use Sonny as a bribe, but I knew that Declan would do anything to please Sonny and I wanted to distract him.
“Sure, why not? Why haven’t you got them up already?”
I chuckled. “I’m all on my own. I just never got round to it for only me.”
“Let’s do it.”
I stood and held out my hand to him in offering.
He hesitated for just a second before taking it and I pulled him to his feet, not tugging him up so quickly that he would lose his balance.
I held his hand a moment longer than was necessary, telling myself that it was because I wanted to make sure he was steady on his leg and his crutch.
I had to turn away as soon as he let go of my hand because I was grinning to myself like a fool. Declan had his jumper on and the cottage was warm anyway, but he still just had his boxers on. He hadn’t tried to put his jeans back on because he hadn’t put his prosthetic on yet.
The fact that he was letting me see him like this, just a little bit naked and vulnerable, made my heart swell inside my chest.
“I’ll get the decorations out. Will you hold the ladder for me?”
“Yes, of course.”
We got the decorations down quickly. I’d packed them up in two large boxes, and I dragged the tree down last.
“Sorry it’s not a real tree. I don’t bother with a real one just for me.”
Declan shrugged. “I’ve only ever had a real one once.
Sonny and I got one the first year we moved out because we’d always wanted one.
It kept stabbing us with needles and I swear it waited until we’d hoovered up the needles before dropping a shed load more on the floor.
How that thing wasn’t completely bare by the end of the holidays, I don’t know. ”
I laughed at his chagrin and tried not to notice the pang inside that he so casually paired him and Sonny up. I really didn’t stand a chance with him, did I?
While Declan rummaged through the boxes to see what decorations I had, I put the tree up and got it standing proud. Well, it leaned to the side ever so slightly but I twisted it until it was leaning into the room, rather than to the side. It concealed the tilt as much as possible.
So my cottage wasn’t perfect. I’d never said it was. I’d never wanted it to be perfect until now. I didn’t know why I was so desperate to please Declan.
“Can I move this stool over there?” Declan asked.
“Sure. You want me to grab it?”
“No, I can manage.”
I deliberately didn’t turn around to watch as Declan moved the stool.
It was a small, wooden thing that I’d picked up second-hand, thinking it would be useful to stand on and reach the highest shelves, since I wasn’t exactly tall.
However, I’d never needed it. If I was reaching up for something I couldn’t grab with my hands, my tentacles slipped out and wound round whatever it was I needed.
Behind me, I heard the uneven step and the sound of scuffling and then Declan placed the stool beside the tree, close enough to the fireplace that he could hold onto it as he lowered himself down.
I was proud of the way he sat. Most people who became disabled and suddenly found themselves struggling to control their movements flopped into chairs.
I’d told Declan to always sit carefully, controlling his actions.
We’d been working on the strength of his legs – the whole leg and the thigh – to ensure he could sit and stand with as much control as possible.
He always got frustrated at what he couldn’t do, but he had come so far and was doing so much. I wished he could see himself the way I did.
“Is this okay?” he asked when he was down.
“Yes, that’s perfect. We can take a side each. Hey, shall I put some Christmas music on? It’ll help us get into the festive spirit.”
“Sure.”
I turned my speaker on and pulled up a playlist on my phone, pressing play and adjusting the volume. I wanted us both to be able to hear the music but I didn’t want to disturb Sonny in the bedroom.
We pulled tinsel and baubles from the boxes and strung the lights across the branches, flinging tinsel after it and laughing together.
I was too short to reach the top of the tree and had to jump to get the silvery length over the topmost branches.
It wasn’t dignified but the way Declan laughed, like I had surprised it out of him, made me not care at all about how I looked.
I’d make myself ridiculous any day of the week if I could get him to laugh like that.
As we started hanging baubles, Declan suddenly asked, “So are you expecting anyone over for Christmas Day?”
“No.”
“Are you going to visit anyone?”
“No.”
He stopped hanging his bauble and it swung gently back and forth from his fingers, twirling and sparkling in the light.
“You’re not going to be alone on Christmas Day, are you?”
The way he said it, as though it were the worst thing he could think of, made me want to squirm. “I don’t mind. I’m usually alone over Christmas. I don’t have any family.”
“But—”
He was lost for words. I tried to smile.
“I don’t mind. I’m used to it.”
“You can come to ours. To my parents’ house, I mean. There’s plenty of room.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to intrude.”
And, from experience, it was usually more awkward to be an extra person at someone else’s Christmas dinner than to be alone for the day, snuggling under my blanket by the fire and swimming lazily in the lake.
“You wouldn’t be!”
Declan looked around as though he’d suddenly realised how loud he’d been when he said that. I listened for any sound of Sonny but his breathing remained the same. He didn’t stir.
When he spoke again, Declan’s voice was lower.
“You’ll be more than welcome. You saved Sonny’s life.”
I’d been wavering, but that cut off the indecision. I didn’t want to be welcome in their house because I’d done them a service.
“No, thank you. It’s kind of you to offer but I’m happy on my own.”
Declan nodded and lifted his hand to slide the bauble onto the nearest branch. He fussed with it for ages, and I knew he wasn’t really paying attention to it. I suppose he was probably hurt that I would turn down his invitation, but I didn’t want a pity invite any more than he did.
The festive mood had gone flat.
“It’s getting towards lunchtime. Why don’t we make some lunch? I’ll go and check on Sonny and meet you in the kitchen.”
I took my chance to escape, and retreated into the bedroom.
It was cool in here and I walked up to the bed to check that Sonny was warm enough. His face was red and there was a sheen of sweat on his forehead.
Gently, I laid my hand across it and felt the hot skin burning me. Shit. How long had he been feverish?