Chapter 18
Declan
By the time Erik had come out of the bathroom, I was sitting on the couch with my prosthetic on and my jeans back on over my legs.
I’d felt so naked when Sonny looked at me, suddenly clear-eyed.
It was ironic, I know, that I was the one who felt naked when Sonny actually was naked, but it didn’t stop me wanting to cover my imperfections and stop Sonny ever seeing them.
Sonny walked into the bedroom after Erik and came out a few minutes later with what was clearly some of Erik’s clothes on.
His usual joggers were about the right size for Sonny around the waist, but they were laughably short on him.
The hoodie fit him, though, and he looked adorably snuggly all wrapped up like that.
Sonny came and sat next to me and I felt a flash of gratitude that I’d dressed properly when Sonny’s eyes flickered to my leg.
Erik stayed in the bedroom behind the closed door.
Was he giving me and Sonny some alone time?
My cheeks heated with the memory of our kiss.
That had been so hot, the hottest kiss of my life, and I felt so guilty for enjoying it so much.
I hadn’t wanted to admit it, not at all, but I’d wanted Erik for months.
His body was hard and hot, his voice stern and kind at the same time, and he made me feel… stable.
In a world that was suddenly unbalanced, Erik made me feel as though I were standing on solid ground again.
“Oh, that’s my phone,” said Sonny and reached for it. He tried it a few times but it didn’t turn on. The adorable little frown he got when he was confused creased his forehead.
I offered a suggestion. “Is it out of battery?”
“Oh, maybe. How long has it been?”
“Only a day.”
He looked round, taking in the glittering Christmas tree and the fireplace and the snow that was still falling outside, barely visible in the dusk.
“It felt like a very long day.”
I could only agree. It had been the longest, worst day.
Except for the part where Erik was on my lap, his lithe body grinding down on me and his lips fused to mine.
I shifted uncomfortably.
Sonny was fiddling with his phone, turning it over and over in his hands. He was building up to something, and I was afraid to find out what.
Suddenly he said, “Were you with me? While I was asleep? I was dreaming—”
“Of tentacles,” I finished.
“Oh. Yeah.”
It sounded like I’d been wrong, and he’d been about to say something else. Damn, I should have let him finish.
“So were you?” he asked.
“Was I what?”
“With me. All day.”
“Some of the time. One of us was with you all afternoon.”
He sat in silence, staring at the empty fireplace, and I was desperate to know what he was thinking.
It was unnatural for Sonny to stay so quiet. He was always the one who talked and he expressed himself so freely, it was a marvel to watch.
At last, I couldn’t stand the silence any longer and I said, “You know staring at that fireplace won’t make a fire appear.”
“Huh? Oh yeah. Right.”
That wasn’t an explanation for how he was feeling, though, so I had to ask again. Only, this time I had to ask an actual question and not just hope that Sonny would tell me what I wanted to know because Sonny always did.
Look at me, learning not to cut myself off and to express myself properly. Erik would be proud.
The thought of Erik made me squirm again, and I blurted out, “So why do you want to know? Whether we were with you or not?”
“I just wondered, that’s all. Apparently I was talking out loud. I wasn’t sure whether I’d said it or only thought it.”
I swallowed. I knew where this was going.
This was the time to actually admit what I wanted and put myself out there, just like Erik had said.
Sonny twisted round on the couch to face me, his big eyes staring at me out of his pale face, his fair hair still sticking up a little from where he’d towel-dried it.
“I think I told you that I love you.”
“Yes.”
It wasn’t what I meant to say. I meant to say so much more, but my words somehow got tangled up in my mouth and that was the only word that came out.
Sonny kept eye contact with me, as though he could read my very soul if he looked hard enough.
“You haven’t asked if I meant it.”
“I know you mean it. You’ve told me before.”
His eyes went wide. “You mean all those times when I told you I love you, you actually heard me?”
I nodded.
“You pretended you didn’t hear.”
“I—”
It was hard to explain why. I hadn’t worked out what I’d been thinking and feeling at the time, so trying to justify it now seemed an impossible task. But what Erik had said stuck with me. I’d made that choice, and it wasn’t my choice to make. It was ours. Mine and Sonny’s together.
Ironic, since we’d made every choice together for years anyway. Why had I made this one alone?
Sonny stood quickly, which meant he didn’t see me take a breath, ready to talk.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I get it. You didn’t feel the same and you didn’t want to reject me.”
He was walking further away from me, but the cottage was so small that there wasn’t anywhere to go. Two paces and he was at the tree, and it took up most of the spare floor space.
He kept his back to me, reaching out a hand to fiddle with one of the decorations, twisting it round on its ribbon.
“Sonny,” I said. I wished that was all I needed to say. It was the only thing I could articulate. Why was I so bad at words?
He took a deep breath and I saw it in the way his shoulders rose and he stood up tall. He turned back to me, a big, fake smile plastered on his face.
“It’s just one of those things,” he said. “I think Erik is great. You deserve someone like that.”
His voice cracked at the end of that sentence, and I was too confused to answer. I struggled up out of the couch, glad it was high and upright, with a high arm rest to give me leverage.
“What does this have to do with Erik?”
Even as I asked, I tried not to remember the taste of his sweet mouth. I was sure I was blushing, which didn’t help. Why was I so hot for both of them? I needed to choose one of them properly or I’d lose both of them.
Sonny’s smile slipped a bit before he caught it and hauled it back onto his face. “I know you like him. I can hear it in your voice. And you’ve been dating him.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“No?” Sonny raised an arch eyebrow, and I hated that I could feel my face heating up. Sure enough, Sonny said, “You took him on a date.”
“I—”
That smile faltered again and I couldn’t bear it. I stepped closer, almost pressing myself right up against him. Sonny was slim, but as tall as I was, and I could look him straight in the eyes.
“Sonny, I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
That adorable little frown came back. “But you pretended not to hear me. Why didn’t you say?”
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“Shut up, no you’re not.”
“Because I-I thought you’d move on. I assumed you’d find someone better.”
Apparently once I actually worked up the courage to talk, my mouth ran away with me. I could almost hear the words coming out of my mouth but I had no conscious way of processing them. I described to Sonny one of the blades that had been slicing into my heart for months.
“I saw your socials. All those photos of you on nights out, surrounded by beautiful, healthy men.”
I could picture them now, each one a fresh wound to my heart that took far too long to heal.
That frown came back, as though Sonny couldn’t even remember all those clubs and bars he’d been to, while I’d been obsessing about each image.
“Those were office nights out. None of them were dates, unlike the date you took Erik on.”
“Sonny,” I said, and reached for him. My fingers twisted into the soft material of his borrowed hoodie, and I held on, terrified he’d run from me and I wouldn’t be able to follow, too slow to catch him. “I love you.”
If I’d hoped, somewhere in the back of my mind, that Sonny would fall into my arms, I was wrong. He starred at me, reading my expression, for what felt like an age.
Then he nodded. “Yeah, you do, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You love Erik too, though.”
I hesitated.
Shit, why did I do that?
All I had to do was say no and then Sonny would kiss me and be mine. I could be with him all the way, as fully as I’d always wanted.
But I’d hesitated too long.
Sonny pulled back and I was forced to let go of his hoodie.
“I’ll go and help Erik change those sheets.” He pulled away and walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.