Chapter 24 #2
There had been no cute pics of me lying in my hospital bed as I cradled my newborn twins. Instead, I had looked alarmingly pale. My eyes had been constantly red or puffy because I had been constantly breaking down. All but two pictures of the twins were of them hooked up to wire and tubes.
Yes, I realized I had a high probability of delivering early to begin with.
They may have required incubators or needing additional care, but there was no denying they were taken from the comfort of my womb sooner than they should have been.
Both had dark hair with our son being a few shades darker in complexion, but I didn’t even know if his skin was darker due to being premature if there was a possibility he favored one of his fathers—i.e.
Troy or Lincoln. I had yet to see their eye color to determine if they had the newborn blues or if they were as dark as Troys.
They had their eyes covered with bandages before I could even attempt to catalogue them.
Jace pulled me into an embrace, and I completely lost it and began to word vomit all over him.
“It’s all wrong. I need a shower, but I can’t take one.
I’m afraid something will happen to them.
I don’t know what color eyes our babies have.
I feel like all I do is pump all day, but I know my milk is best. You guys keep telling me we can feed them formula, but I don’t want to.
“I’m afraid I’ll never get to bond with them because I haven’t done anything since they were born.
Every time they make a peep one of you grab them, which is great, but I only hold them long enough to see if they will latch and nurse.
I haven’t changed a diaper. I haven’t helped with their medical care.
I haven’t been able to cook or even lift a finger in any way.
“Every time I try to do anything I’m told to lay down. Yes, I’m still sore and the cramping is as bad as my labor pain at times, but I can’t just do nothing all the time. I feel useless.
“I know I’m being an ungrateful bitch and most woman would die to be treated like they were made of glass all the time. It doesn’t make me feel good though. It makes me feel like I’m just an outsider looking in.
“I wonder if Horatio knows we survived and if he’s actively planning to take them from me. He ruined my birth experience. He caused our babies to live in a box. Nothing is like I wanted it to be!”
My incoherent rambling was cut sort as one of the babies began to make their little squawking noises they did when they were distressed.
More times than not it was because they were hungry.
For the most part they were quiet babies.
Addison was a little more spunkier and Dr. Branch said she was progressing a lot faster than her brother.
It didn’t surprise me much considering how she was in utero.
She was also five ounces bigger than Andy.
It didn’t seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but in baby terms it was a world of difference.
If my intuition was correct, she was definitely Jaxson or Jace’s.
Her personality made me believe there was a high probability she was biologically Jaxson’s.
Jaxson went to grab one of her premade bottles and it made me sob even harder.
They were always quick to grab one of their bottles, thinking it was easier for me, but it wasn’t.
I had already expressed my desire to attempt to feed them from my breast every time.
I know they hated seeing how distressed I was when they couldn’t nurse or nurse for long, but I still wanted to do it.
One day, I didn’t want to be attached to a machine all the time.
I knew it would be more convenient just to feed them naturally and only pump on the rare occasion.
Grandma Hazel clucked her tongue loudly before admonishing Jaxson.
“Didn’t you just hear her? Bring my great grand baby over to her.
After she gets done feeding both of them, she’s going to change their nappies.
Then she’s going to take a shower and Jace you’re going to have to calm her enough for her to get a decent nap. ”
The guys, Jace more so than the others, had already asked to use Jace’s gift to help me go to sleep and stay asleep.
I immediately shut the idea down. I didn’t want to use Jace’s gift as a crutch.
I didn’t have a lot of control over my life, but that was one thing I could.
I opened my mouth to protest but Megan cut me off.
“I know your hormones are going crazy right now, but your lack of sleep isn’t helping. You can’t pour from an empty cup. I know you want to be awake for every second to protect your babies, but you’re no good to them like this.”
My immediate reaction was of anger, but the moment Andy was laid in my arms, making his mewing sounds I realized this was insane.
I was insane. I kept doing the same things and expecting different results.
I needed to be my best for my children. I had to see using the resources I had available as an advantage and not as a weakness.
“Okay,” I said in a defeated tone.
“Okay?” Jace seemed shocked by the way I acquiesced.
I nodded in agreement. “Something’s got to give. I know I’m crashing out and it can’t continue. It can negatively affect our beans and they don’t need to feel my stress.”
“Good.” Grandma Hazel so in a no-nonsense tone. “We’re going to start dinner and take care of some laundry, while you feed my precious grandbabies and jump in the shower.”
“We can do the laundry,” Lincoln protested.
Grandma Hazel shot him a pointed look, while Miranda spoke up next. “Take care of Blake and those babies. We’ll take care of you guys.”
I waited until they left, then unbuttoned my top, and unclipped the top of my bra.
Everything I wore was for ease of access.
I didn’t know if I had any more milk, but I had to try.
The lactation consultant, Candice, had condescendingly told me that even if he wasn’t strong enough to suckle yet it was always helpful to offer it up.
Her tone was the reason why Remy had asked her never to return to our room again.
Later, I learned that Candice had a crush on Jace and looked down on me.
Apparently, they had gone to school together.
She had been one of Molly’s friends and secretly harbored a crush on him.
When she realized they had broken up she tried to shoot her shot.
She hadn’t taken the rejection kindly especially since in the five years they hadn’t seen each other she had lost a considerable amount of weight, got braces, figured out how to tame her hair, and had cosmetic work done.
Through the grapevine Candice had heard he found his connection but was still hopeful because of my age.
She assumed we wouldn’t be compatible. She had put in for a transfer here hoping to be close to Jace.
Again, she was disappointed when she realized we loved each other and she wasn’t copesetic with the discovery.
Luckily, when she had talked so patronizingly to me Dr. Branch had also overheard it and talked to her after Remy had kicked her out of the room and asked her not to return.
Of course, she was one of the ones that hadn’t helped my self-esteem in my hormonal state. I know I was going to get a lot of judgement and side eyes due to my age. Technically, I was a teen mother. I had expected judgement but when faced with it it was difficult.
Remy knelt beside the bed and slid my boppy pillow under my arm. “We’re sorry we were shutting you out. We knew your labor took a lot out of you and I guess we overcompensated hoping to make the transition into mother easy on you.”
I sniffed and accepted a tissue from Jace. I wiped my nose and attempted to give them a half-hearted smile. “I know you meant well. I really appreciate it.”
I brought Andy up to my breast and gently tried to coax him to suckle. I silently prayed that he would finally latch on. I felt like a failure every time he couldn’t, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault. Mom-guilt was a real thing.
Jace situated his body around mine and kissed my shoulder. “We wish you would have said something sooner. I realized you’ve been struggling but we only thought we were helping you out.”
I nodded. “I know that and that’s why it was so hard to speak up. Sometimes I told my self that I got to carry them for seven months, so—”
The rest of my words cut off when I realized Andy was finally taking nourishment from me. “He’s eating,” my voice broke on a sob.
“He is.” Lincoln crouched beside Remy and rubbed a finger gently over Andy’s head. “Good job, mama. Good job, little man. You’re growing big and strong, huh?”
The rest of my guys came over and watched in awe. I was filled with relief and contentment. It blew my mind that such a small act as him latching could seem like such a huge accomplishment. Something so small for most babies out there, but a massive success for our twins.
I wasn’t timing it but I would assume he only latched on for two minutes tops before he seemed to get tired.
“What do you want to do, mama?” Lincoln inquired. “Do you want to keep trying or would you like one of us to feed him?”
“And would you like to try to feed, little miss? She’s starting to get hungry too.” Troy added.
I smiled at them, thankful that they were correcting the behavior that was attributing to some of my insecurities. “Thank you, yes to feeding Addison and someone can feed Andy. I don’t want to make him work too hard.”
“The bottle is in the warmer.” Jaxson informed Lincoln as he carefully took Andy from my arms.
Addison was crying much harder by the time she reached me, but I couldn’t feel more happy about it.