Chapter 29
‘What in the name of fuck is going on?’ squeaks Liam tearfully.
I hurried back to their cottage at the villa as quickly as I could, post the WhatsApp spat.
It has escalated into a massive online argument, even though I suspect that all the people involved are a few yards from each other, texting from their bedrooms, and could easily do it face to face to clear up the ‘misunderstanding’ much quicker.
Ged is also visibly upset.
I try to broach the ‘unexpected outing’ of Big Mand and Big Sue. ‘What were you thinking? You know they are very protective of their friendship and whatever may be developing between them,’ I say.
‘I know that now, don’t I?’ says Ged. ‘It was an accident. Anyway, they are soooo a couple. A blind man could see it. They vibe off each other the same way Liam and I do. We had a great day.’
‘Did you see them being a couple? As in kissing or anything?’
‘No.’
‘Well then, you have to assume that they’re just good friends.’
‘Are you mansplaining being gay to us?’ Liam asks. ‘You’re not even a man, or gay! And they are not just good friends. Why are they making a huge deal out of this? We’ve said sorry. What more can we do?’
‘We need them to come over so that you can explain face to face and apologise,’ I say.
‘We’ve done that already. We went straight over to the villa as soon as Big Sue WhatsApped. And they won’t accept our apology no matter what we say,’ Ged moans. ‘We told them it was an honest mistake. We’d never intentionally out anyone.’
‘Wait. I have an idea.’ I message the group and say we need an emergency meeting in their kitchen immediately. It’s to do with the Ken and Barbie costumes. Fortunately for me, it’s actually true.
It takes five minutes for everyone to scramble into the kitchen. Ged, Liam and I are sitting round the giant kitchen table waiting for them. The pile of newly altered clothes that Cherry has been working on is neatly laid out. I have added the new outfits that I picked up today.
Once everyone has arrived, we sit for a moment, peering at each other.
‘Let me address the elephant in the room,’ I offer.
‘Which one?’ says Liberty, coming in last. She is giving me a stern look.
‘Yes, which elephant would that be?’ says Big Sue, sounding very angry.
She throws a heated glance across to Ged and Liam, creating a strained silence.
Big Sue, although something of a giantess, is also the voice of reason within the group.
Without her on side, I dread to think how we’ll get through this.
‘Where have you been?’ I gasp, staring at Liberty. ‘Your phone has been off all day. We were worried sick.’
‘Were you?’ she asks, arms folded. ‘Did any of you ring the police because you were so “worried sick”?’
Ah. She has a valid point. We all take a moment to inspect the table, the floor, our nails.
‘I don’t care which elephant it is, but could you address it quickly, please?
’ says Tash, the awkwardness seemingly going right over her head.
‘Sister Kevin will be arriving any second now. And please, don’t forget, none of you are to mention Las Vegas.
I don’t want you ruining his BIG birthday surprise. ’
Liam breaks from Big Sue’s death stare to roll his eyes at Ged. ‘It’s like she’s forgotten the whole reason for the trip.’
‘Touché,’ I say without thinking.
‘That’s the sort of thing Luke says.’ Liberty is quick to pounce. She picks up the few items that I managed to buy. ‘Do you mind telling us what you’ve been doing all afternoon? Instead of shopping for costumes?’
It is my turn to be stared at.
‘Nothing. I mean, I bumped into Luke. It was a chance encounter. He apologised. He left. And I continued shopping.’
‘Walk us through this chance encounter,’ says Ged. ‘I’d like to know what was more important than our outfits for Vegas.’ He has gone full bridezilla in the wake of the Big Sue/Big Mand disaster. He is projecting.
I try my best to explain but it is having a negative effect on the group as they begin rifling through the poor assortment of costumes that I was able to get hold of at short notice.
Suddenly, it’s as though the ‘accidental gay outing’, ‘the accidental hijacking of the pre-moon for a BIG birthday surprise’, the ‘accidental lying about inviting the Count over to Benidorm for career purposes’ and the ‘two secret accidental pregnancies’ are yesterday’s news.
Suddenly, the poor selection of Ken and Barbie outfits is the most upsetting issue. And I’m to blame.
‘It was all they had. At least it’s pink,’ I say, trying to soothe a horrified Liam as he holds up the outfit I got for him.
‘Ryan Gosling did not turn up to the Oscars in a hot pink spandex onesie!’ Liam cries. ‘Did he?’
He’s right. The onesie isn’t quite the sophisticated, glittery pink two-piece suit, but it was all they had at the drag warehouse in Barbie pink for a man his size.
‘You’ll still look hot to me,’ says Ged earnestly. That’s true love for you. Liam will look like a raw hot dog. And we all know it.
‘Telling white lies to your partner is one thing,’ blurts Big Mand, ‘but telling the whole world things that blatantly aren’t true is quite another.
’ She looks at Big Sue and we all fall silent.
Instead of agreeing, Big Sue’s eyes fill with tears.
She gets up from the table and races up to her room. Big Mand looks crushed.
PING. ‘That’s Sister Kevin. He’s at the gate. I think I’ll just take him straight to my room. I’ll meet you at Voices for Bongos Bingo.’ Tash dashes off, leaving the rest of us to stare at the pile of clothes in stony silence.
‘Who’s next? Who wants to try on their costumes?’ Cherry asks, trying to smile through the heavy circles around her eyes, the pale skin and the gloomy expression.
Big Mand lets out a muffled cry, scrapes back her chair and runs off.
With a huge, elaborate sigh, Liberty informs us that she, too, would rather not try on costumes. ‘Read the room, Cherry, babe. What’s the point anyway? It’ll all end in disaster. It always does.’
‘Wow. Rude,’ says Ged as we watch Liberty sashay away, bum cheeks bouncing like a pair of jellies.
Cherry looks forlorn as I feign enthusiasm for trying on my outfits. ‘It’s fine,’ she says. ‘I only spent two whole weeks making them. Every minute of every bloody day. I missed my child’s first birthday and my own wedding anniversary, but who cares, right?’
‘Cherry, I’m so sorry…’ I say as she bursts into tears and races off. I can’t even say it’s pregnancy hormones because I’d be upset too if everyone simply threw my efforts back in my face.
Ged and Liam look gutted. ‘We might give tonight a miss, if you don’t mind, Connie, love.’
‘Sure. Not at all. Sure. No. I totally understand. But hey, listen. Everything will work out. I promise. We just need to get through tonight’s gig, and things will be better in the morning. We’ll sort everything out before we fly to Vegas.’
They nod sadly and disappear through the patio doors back to their love nest. I put my head in my hands. How has everything fallen apart so quickly? My nerves are fraught enough as it is.
PING. Big Sue is dropping out of the performance tonight.
She has to try and explain things to her parents, her family, her friends and work colleagues who suddenly think that she has been leading a double life and are hurt and confused as to why she thinks they would not understand and be supportive.
PING. Big Mand is dropping out. No reason is given.
PING. Cherry is unwell and will not be making tonight’s performance.
PING. Tash argues that she feels uncomfortable leaving Sister Kevin alone when he has only just arrived.
PING. Liberty says we are forgetting what it is like to be single. She accuses us all of being too wrapped up in our own happy love lives to care about single people and their worries.
I stare at the texts.
Looks like I will have to tell Martha and Rody that the Dollz have cancelled. A picture of Nancy pops into my brain. She will be furious. I let my forehead drop to the table, which reminds me of Luke.
Oh my God. That’s it. Luke. My head springs up. I grab my phone and dial his number.
He answers very quickly. ‘Hello, who is it?’ he says.
‘It’s me. Connie,’ I say.
‘Erm, oh. I, erm… did I…? I wasn’t…’ he dithers.
‘Listen. I haven’t got time for the Hugh Grant,’ I say quickly. ‘You wanted me to forgive you, yes?’
‘Why, I… erm, that is to say…’
‘I’ll take that as a yes. Have you left Benidorm yet?’
‘Ah, right. Well, the thing is, I can explain. You see, the flights… um, well, I know I promised—’
‘Forget that. I’m dropping you the pin of a place called Voices. I need you to go there. I need a favour.’
‘I, well, um, yes of course. I—’
‘See you there in half an hour.’
I click off the call. Needs must and I am desperate.
I examine the pile of costumes on the kitchen table and grab myself a Barbie wig, pink gingham dress, tights, pink love-heart glasses and a pair of size six white platform sandals and race out of the villa.
That’ll have to do. We are due at the airport tomorrow morning for our flight to Las Vegas.
I will message the Dollz once the gig is over.
There’s no way in hell that I’m missing my flight because of all their drama.
I will arrive back here at the villa first thing, suited and booted and ready to drag them all kicking and screaming on to the minibus… or die trying.
* * *
I arrive at Voices in a sweat. Dan is behind the bar as I race towards the apartment door.
‘Oh good. You’re here,’ I say, before launching into my backup plan for tonight’s show.
‘I can’t see why Mum and Dad wouldn’t go for it,’ he says. ‘Is the guy any good?’
‘He’s great. But I don’t know if he can sing anything other than classical songs. I’ll ask him when he gets here, which should be soon. Can you look out for him, please?’
‘Sure. I’ll let my mother know there’s a change of plan.’
I race upstairs and fling myself into the shower, getting ready in double time.
I’m not in the slightest bit sure about this but it’s the only solution presenting itself at the moment.
As soon as I’m ready, I go back downstairs.
The bar is already filling up with people coming for Bongos Bingo and to see the Dollz perform.
They are going to be so disappointed. I am really going to have to sassy up my act to deliver something as lively and sexy as the Dollz do.
Unfortunately, not much can be done with only an hour to go, so they will have to make do with a few changes to my set list. I’m just flicking through my playlists with Dan when we are aware of someone next to us.
I see Luke’s jaw fall open.
‘It’s intentional,’ I explain as he takes in my two-bit stripper outfit. ‘The Dollz have dropped out of this evening’s performance. And I need to cover their show and mine.’
‘Ah. I see. And you need me to be your support act?’
‘Kind of. I thought we’d just do the whole lot together. What do you say?’
Luke looks shocked. ‘Me? Singing covers?’ He surveys the bald heads and the crowds pouring through the doors. ‘Here?’
I nod. Christ, I hope he knows some Ed Sheeran songs or Coldplay at least, or anyone from this century would do.
‘Does that mean you forgive me?’ he asks hopefully.
‘Yes,’ I say. I’m desperate. ‘Now, do you think you can do it?’
He suddenly breaks into a half-smile. ‘I wasn’t karaoke king three years in a row at university for nothing.’ He rolls up his shirtsleeves and whips out his phone. ‘Show me the set list. Here’s one of mine. I can Bluetooth the songs over. And where’s the kit? I need to warm up my voice.’
Dan and I exchange relieved glances. While Bongos Bingo roars to a conclusion in the main bar, Luke and I, sitting outside, have agreed on a lively and sexy set list that should please the growing crowd. He seems overjoyed that I have accepted his apology at last and is full of enthusiasm.
We make our way back inside and over to the stage area. ‘Ready?’ I ask Luke once we’ve plugged our phones in and done a quick soundcheck.
He stands on the circular stage with his legs wide apart, a microphone in one hand and the other ready to grab some air. He flicks hair from his eyes and winks at me. ‘I was born ready.’
‘Sodding hell. You’re not going to make me regret this, are you?’
And before I know what’s happening, Luke is launching into the best rendition of ‘Let Me Entertain You’ that I’ve ever heard.
The crowd stop what they’re doing. Drinks are paused on lips.
Martha’s head pops up from behind the bar.
Everyone wants to see who this fantastic voice belongs to.
Halfway through the song he begins to sing the words to another song over the same tune.
It’s very clever and obviously well rehearsed, and it drives the crowd wild.
When he finishes the song, he is so comfortable on stage that he introduces himself as Count Nikolai, ninth in line to the Norwegian throne, twelfth in line to the throne of Sweden on his mother’s side and second cousin once removed to our own Royal Family.
‘We’re like rabbits,’ he jokes, and the crowd love him even more.
‘But seriously. It is a pleasure to be here tonight as the guest of the esteemed and extremely talented Connie Cooper. We have just finished a tour in England with the Royal Northern Sinfonia. Some of you may have heard of it.’ He pauses to allow the crowd to laugh.
No one has heard of it. ‘And we thought you’d appreciate a few highlights this evening. ’
OMG. He has them eating out of the palm of his hand. I hear the opening notes of one of our arias.
‘Okay. So, we’re really doing this, are we?’ I say, an involuntary thrill running down my spine. I would rather not look forward to singing with him, but there’s no denying that we make incredible music together.
Luke welcomes me on stage, and seconds later, we are blowing the audience’s tiny minds with the show to end all shows.
By the end, everyone is up dancing and singing along.
Luke and I have bantered our way through the evening and shared laughs and jokes with the crowd.
Even Dan joined in at one point. We decide to end the night with ‘Mi Amore Mi Amore’.
Huge mistake.
I’m not sure whether it’s the euphoria of a successful show, or the fact that Luke and I appear to be getting on well, or his overwhelming crush on me, because right at the end, when he’s declaring his undying love for me, his lips hovering over mine as per the theatrical want of the piece, Luke leans in a fraction too far, so that for a brief nanosecond, our lips make contact.
And because we’re mid-song, there’s not much I can do about it other than pull back immediately and keep singing.
‘What is wrong with you?’ I hiss when it’s all over.
Luke gulps. ‘I lost my balance?’