Chapter 27 #2
I blush instantly. ‘What if you don’t like it though?’
‘So what? Will it mean you’ll crumble?’ he sings. ‘Will you lay down and die?’
‘No,’ I say, giggling.
‘That’s the spirit. Now let’s hear it.’
After I’ve finished singing at the piano, Ged and Liam look at me with weird expressions. ‘It needs production,’ I say nervously when they don’t speak. ‘But it’s a start, don’t you think?’
They continue to look at me as though it’s my first day at school, and they’re waving me off.
It’s not the reaction I was hoping for.
‘It’s excellent,’ says Ged. ‘Just excellent. Connie, you are thriving out here.’
I suddenly realise why there’s a melancholy to their voices. ‘What are you saying? I should stay here?’
‘Only you can decide that, darling.’
‘But it’s such a huge decision,’ I say, feeling the weight of it. ‘What about Dad? What about you two? I’ll miss you all so much.’
‘What about the adventure you could have here, though?’ Ged says. ‘With or without Matteo.’
‘It seems like you could really achieve something new here. You’d have a job, somewhere to live, a chance to be creative, write songs, meet other singers, learn your craft from the ground up and what it means to entertain people with your gift,’ rattles off Liam as though he’s been waiting years to deliver that speech.
They’re right. There aren’t any real arguments not to go for it. Only that it is so far out of my comfort zone, and it has been years since I made a big decision. Years. And even that may have been choosing which of the two universities in my home town to go to.
‘You’re right. I’ve got nothing to lose. Even if Matteo isn’t on the scene, there’s still reason enough to stay. And it’s only two and a half hours to fly back to Newcastle, right?’
‘Honey, we’ll be over every weekend. Benidorm is the gay capital of Spain.’
‘We don’t want to be late,’ Liam yells from the kitchen.
I run the straighteners through my hair one last time.
The woman staring back at me from the mirror no longer has that insecure, haunted look about her.
I smile at my reflection and feel at peace with myself.
I’ve spent months and months gripped by the madness of grief.
All those tears that should have been shed a couple of years ago are finally out of my system this week thanks to this bizarre rollercoaster of high drama.
I exhale slowly. Grief has had a stranglehold on me for years and it’s time to let it go.
We all pile into the minibus and Jorge helps us carry ‘the injured’ on board.
Even though Doctor Sanchez told them to stay in bed, the Dollz were insistent.
We’re leaving early for the gig because there is so much to sort out beforehand.
Having Ged and Liam with me has jogged my memory as to how professional and meticulously organised I usually am.
Once we arrive, I explain the situation to Martha who, thankfully, is grateful that we are going to rescue the event.
‘Dan will do his Jolly Murs after the Dollz to give you a rest between sets, Connie. Really appreciate it.’
‘It’s the least we can do.’
She raises her eyebrows. ‘I know you have a lot on at the moment but have you thought any more about our offer?’
‘I have.’
My stomach is churning as I wonder whether Matteo will show up. The music festival is still ongoing so he will be super busy over there managing the bands, and arranging his upcoming nuptials if Alex gets her way.
‘Amaze,’ says Ged, eyeing me up and down.
‘Ditto.’
He and Liam are dressed in black fishnet T-shirts and tight-fitting pleather shorts. The rest of us are wearing the Dollz’ signature strappy corset, stockings and rubber costumes. There’s a lot of thigh on show, and big hair and lashes. Tash is very pleased with her make-up job on us.
‘You are both extraordinarily comfortable in bondage gear,’ she remarks, touching up Ged’s powder. He mouths PVC nights to me behind his hand.
I still can’t believe I’m about to perform as one of the Dollz. It’s so far from what I imagined I’d be capable of doing, only last week. So much has happened. I feel a rise of nerves and grab Liam’s hand.
He gives it a squeeze. ‘This is the most exciting thing I’ve done in years,’ he tells me. ‘I’m so glad you took this job. We’re going to book the Dollz for our wedding.’
‘Showtime, people,’ booms Big Mand from the front row table, laden with drinks for her, Tash and Cherry, who is refusing point-blank to follow any of the doctor’s orders.
The nuns swarm round them before taking seats to cheer us on.
I notice Sister Kevin sitting next to Tash ready to do her bidding. She seems delighted at the attention.
Rody announces us on to the stage, and the lights go down.
We are ready. It’s the most thrilling feeling.
A high nervous energy is pumping through my veins, making me feel light-headed and exuberant.
I feel like I’m part of a family. It’s the opposite of how I usually feel.
The dread of going into battle with the audience, expecting them not to like me, forcing them to listen patiently to my woeful songs.
It was all about me, whereas this is all about them .
All about giving the audience what they want and me wanting to entertain them, share in the joy of it all. It’s a world apart.
Ged, Liam and I take our places while Big Sue and Liberty stand in between us.
The opening notes blast out from the speakers and the next hour whizzes by in a blaze of theatrics.
We are beaming at one another as we wiggle our hips in time.
Big Sue and Liberty perform a handstand into upside-down splits as we jazz hands and toe shuffle around them.
Thumping beats and Cherry directing help us keep in formation as we sing a string of pop classics.
Ged and Liam lift me and Liberty into the air, our arms sweeping majestically as Big Sue cartwheels across stage in time to the music.
Finally, Ged and Liam perform ‘Islands in the Stream’, which is on their bucket list and one of their go-to karaoke songs, while we sing backup, clicking and swaying.
Before we end on a Girls Aloud classic, Big Sue thanks the audience and blows Tash, Cherry and Big Mand a kiss.
‘We’ll end on “Love Machine” because Chezza is a Geordie lass like us, and we girls will always have each other’s backs. ’
When we leave the stage to thunderous applause, we are all on a huge high. Jolly Murs comes bounding over.
‘You guys were amazing,’ he says. ‘And Mam told me you’re going to stay on as resident singer with me, Connie?
I’m dead pleased. We can do duets. Plan sets together.
It’s going to be great.’ Beaming, he gushes at Ged and Liam.
‘Great costumes, lads. Hey, did you know that Connie and Matteo saved my baby sister from drowning? They rescued her by jet ski. It was crazy. Just like a movie.’
Everyone’s jaws drop as they gaze at me with I-can’t-believe-you-haven’t-fucking-mentioned-this-yet eyes.
‘Are any of the Jezebel Music people here tonight?’ I ask as casually as possible, not trusting myself to say Matteo’s name out loud.
‘No, I don’t think so,’ Dan says. ‘The music festival is still on, so they’ll all be over there. Do you guys want to go afterwards? I have free passes. All residents get in for free.’
Ged yells, ‘Yes, we’ll all go!’
‘Face the fear,’ Liam is telling me. ‘We need to see him in the flesh, Connie. It’s very important. We’ve seen him on social media and, frankly, he sounds too good to be true, so we need to see him up close.’
‘You don’t need to see him,’ I hiss.
‘We do need to see him. Urgently . For closure .’
Dan puts on his Jolly Murs face and takes the stage.
I’m in bits all the way through his set worrying about seeing Matteo at the festival.
Surely there’s a way to avoid him. I mean, it’s a big festival, thousands of people.
I hurry to get changed in the toilets and instead of concentrating on my own upcoming performance, I find my mind constantly wandering to Matteo and all the crazy moments we have shared.
‘You seem to be blossoming here,’ Ged says admiringly as I sit back down, taking in my pale gold shiny dress, the huge split at the front, my towering sandals, my swept-up hair and jewelled hairpiece and my mother’s pearl drop earrings.
‘Your father would cry buckets if he could see you. You are shining so brightly.’
He’s right. I look just like my mother. A realisation hits me. She will always be with me as I move on through my next chapter. Instead of breaking down like I would usually do, I find the thought comforting. It soothes my soul.
‘Whatever I decide to do won’t bring her back, will it?’ I say resignedly. ‘Nothing will bring her back, but she will always be with me. Part of me, just like I’m part of her.’
My voice catches in my throat as a swell of grief washes over me, but instead of the usual crumbling feeling, I remain steady.
I cope with it. I let it flow through me until it passes.
Ged and Liam wait for me. Like they always have done since my whole life was upended by cancer and its cruelty spread throughout every fibre of our lives.
‘If this week has taught me anything,’ I say, finally finding my voice, ‘it’s not to judge others or compare success. And it’s time to stop labelling myself a failure for not having had the life I wanted for myself and didn’t get.’
I seem to be making a lot of sense.
Before I know it, I’m being welcomed back on stage.
I close my eyes and think of my mother and off I go, singing the best I’ve ever sung in my entire life.
It’s as though she’s with me, willing me on, helping me find my voice.
With its dramatic beat and heavy lyrics, my opening song suits my vocal range perfectly.
I throw everything I have into it. My expression, my arms, the way I move around; you’d think I’d written the bloody song myself.
At the end of the song there is a split second of complete silence before the whole place erupts like an X Factor final.
Then I spot Matteo. He’s standing at the bar with Rody.
I am transfixed by him as my breathing calms. I thank the crowd and introduce the next song.
I feel his eyes on me the entire time, fuelling me, giving me the passion needed to belt the song out with the right mix of fury and fever.
I allow myself one opportunity to sing the lyrics straight to Matteo.
He is staring at me as I finish on a great line about him having a deadly kiss.
People in the audience are turning around, wondering who I’m looking at.
A quick flick down reveals Ged and Liam grinning away, twisting in their seats, their eyes pinging from Matteo to me and back again.
They are doing ridiculous swooning mimes as though they’ve forgotten that I am heartbroken over him getting back with Alex.
Their faces are beaming at me full of love, full of pride.
Just like there’s no mistaking their feelings for each other.
They seem destined to dance through life together.
They’ve been my family since the moment we all met.
My heart swells with love for them. I will end with their favourite song.
‘This final song is for Ged and Liam. They say you should always marry your best friend. And unfortunately for me, that’s exactly what they’re doing. They are the great loves of each other’s lives, and I wish them every happiness in their new life together.’
The rest of the set goes in a bit of a blur, as one moment Matteo is watching me, and the next, he has disappeared.
I leave the stage feeling like I need to put some distance between me and Matteo and pull myself together.
Maybe this isn’t healthy for me after all.
He makes me feel reckless and impulsive, and out of control.
Not in the slightest bit safe or in my comfort zone.
How can I stay here knowing I’ll bump into him and never be able to be with him because he’ll be married to someone else?
By the time I reach the others in the front row, I am more capable of seeing how my out-of-control lust for him is clouding my judgement.
‘That was the best I’ve ever seen you!’ yells Liam.
‘Oh. My. God,’ says Ged. ‘Connie, you were electric up there. You owned that stage.’
The Dollz are fussing around me, shouting compliments and instructions on how to improve my fancy footwork for next time.
‘I can’t believe he was here,’ Liam is squealing. ‘He was here!’
I nod sadly.
‘Just play it cool, though,’ he adds. ‘Just play it cool. Let him come to you.’
He still thinks we can salvage this situation, bless him.
‘He won’t be coming to me. He’s getting married,’ I remind him. ‘To someone else.’
I see a few missed calls from my dad, so I step outside into the warm evening air and ring him straight back.
After we exchange pleasantries and briefly speak about how his trip to the Lakes went, his voice goes quiet.
I press a hand to my other ear to block out the noise and hurry over to a bench to sit down.
‘Connie, love, there’s a letter. It’s from the Royal Northern Sinfonia. It came here by mistake.’
‘Open it.’
Fate can decide for me.
If it’s another rejection, then I’ll stay here. Nothing to lose.
If it’s an acceptance, then I’ll leave. Nothing to stay for.
I hear my father wrestle with the envelope, paper tearing while he gabbles on.
It seems to go on forever. ‘Dear Constance, we are delighted to inform you that we are in a position to offer you a permanent place in our choir…’ I hear my father choke and clear his voice.
‘Connie, love. You’re in. You’re finally in.
This is what you’ve always dreamed of. Congratulations, darling.
Your mother would be so, so proud of you. ’
I take a beat to let his words sink in. The warm air around me begins to feel stifling. I’m suddenly woozy, and I put my hand out to steady myself while I rub my temple.
‘Dad,’ I say, gasping for air and clutching the phone to my chest for a moment. ‘I’ll call you back.’
Fate, it seems, has made its decision.