Chapter 20
‘I have an idea,’ says Matteo. ‘This way. Follow me.’
When we arrive at the media suite, the penny drops. ‘A video?’
Matteo nods. ‘It’s not ideal but what options have we got?’
They are only too happy to take my poor credit card from me, swipe it through their machine and settle me in front of a green screen. ‘You look great,’ Zonia, the camera operator, says, giving me a thumbs up.
I literally look like the bride of Dracula if she’d been recently dug up, thrown down a wind tunnel and run over by a truck several times.
‘Okay. Let’s do it.’ My nerves are starting to get the better of me.
They count me in as the camera starts rolling.
‘This is an urgent appeal for my, erm, singing partner, Luke. If you are listening, please come immediately to the…’ We were in such a rush we didn’t get a plan together first!
‘Erm, please meet me at the love sign right now, or as soon as you can get there. Please hurry. There’s something I urgently need to tell you.
And it’s not great. You really need to come meet me.
Please. And I’m sorry you lost your million dollars, but it really wasn’t my fault.
And I have something even more valuable for you. ’
Zonia is gaping at me in disbelief as they shout, ‘Cut!’ from behind the camera. ‘Are you sure that’s the message?’
‘I’m sure.’ I mean, what’s more valuable than your own life?
In the ten minutes it takes Matteo and me to race to the love sign, over half a billion people have gathered with phones aloft to hear what the ‘not great’ news is that I have to tell Luke.
‘It’s proposal girl!’ I hear them chanting. ‘She’s come ready to marry him!’
Feckedy feck feck feck.
‘I’m not sure this was such a good idea,’ says Matteo, sounding worried. He can say that again.
I really know how to make a bad situation worse.
‘Too late now,’ I say, craning my neck over the crowds to see if Luke has turned up.
I sweep my gaze from one side of the love sign to the other and just as I’m about to change my mind I hear, ‘CONNIE! I’m here! But I don’t want to talk to you!’
OMG.
Luke is such a show-off. He’s using his powerful stage voice.
Who needs a PA system when you’ve got him?
And why is he emerging from the giant O of the sign?
Hanging on to it with one arm and dramatically reaching out with the other.
I’m sure you’re not allowed to climb on it.
It very clearly states that the letters are an art installation.
Anyway, he’s there. He’s waving and yelling because he has a massive crowd of people filming him.
Yes, he’s nothing short of an attention-seeking missile, and yes, he’s got that air of pompous entitlement, and yes, he’s got a big fat tongue, but at least he’s alive.
The crowd parts to let us through. A zillion things are running through my mind, but when I reach him all I can manage is an exasperated smile.
‘Can we have a word?’ I say.
‘Sorry? What was that?’ he shouts, pointing to a nearby tripod on the ground. ‘Can you speak up? I’m live-streaming.’
‘CAN I HAVE A WORD?’ I try again. I really don’t want to draw any more attention to us.
He too seems a little deflated. ‘That depends. Are you here to apologise for ruining my wedding? My life?’
‘It wasn’t your wedding. It was “a” wedding and you were only singing at it.’
He leaps down. And when he gets up from his superhero landing, he shakes his hair, sweeps his gaze across the crowd and flashes his white teeth while they film him.
It’s all I can do to refrain from walking away and letting Hank Junior do his worst.
‘Is this about the million dollars? Did you find the rings?’ He looks as though he’s trying to convince himself. ‘Have you changed your mind about marrying me?’
‘No, nothing like that,’ I say. There’s a disappointed groan from the crowd around us.
Luke looks startled. ‘But you said you had something more—’
‘Look. Can we go to my room and talk?’
‘HO, HO!’ Luke laughs maniacally, like a pantomime villain, into his camera. ‘The fair maiden wants me to goeth to her chambers!’
This reunion has not gone how he expected, and now he’s acting like a children’s entertainer. I simply don’t have time for it.
I swivel round and march away. ‘Fine!’ I yell. ‘Deal with the hitman on your own then!’
* * *
‘What do you mean someone might be coming to kill me?’ Luke is saying on a loop. His voice has become a high-pitched shriek. ‘I thought you were coming to tell me that you’d changed your mind. That… that… that you want me, not him.’
Infuriating.
‘Why would I change my mind? I’ve told you so many times that we are work colleagues and nothing more.’
It’s like he doesn’t want to acknowledge that Matteo the Magnificent is now my legal husband. We all heard Elvis, clear as day. We are legally wed.
We are back at Ged and Liam’s room for the rendezvous. I decided against my own chambers for obvious reasons. I am hungry. I am tired. I am unbelievably disappointed with how my wedding day has gone so far, and I just want Luke to accept what is happening.
‘Then why would you make a video trying to win me back?’ he says, almost losing it. He is sitting on the sofa and Ged, Liam, Franz and I are all standing around him. ‘And why is this guy naked?’
Matteo has stepped outside to take some calls.
Tash and Sister Kevin have disappeared to do some emergency tidying up for when they have to take their turn ‘babysitting’.
Liberty is resting her leg, and Cherry is guarding her.
Big Mand and Big Sue are making their way back, having abandoned the search for Hank Junior.
I remain calm. ‘I clearly stated that I had some not so great news,’ I repeat through clenched teeth. ‘If you’d answered your phone, then none of this would even be happening right now.’
‘I beg to differ!’ he shrieks. ‘I often put it on silent to calm my mind. All the pinging gets on my nerves. It’s WhatsApp. It’s never-ending.’
‘We’re getting sidetracked,’ I say. ‘The main issue is that we need to keep you hidden until we sort out the, erm, issue.’
‘Issue? ISSUE? You are saying that somewhere inside this hotel is a hitman with a contract out on me, and it’s just an issue!’ His eyes have gone all froggy. ‘What is being done so far? Have you called the police? Interpol? The CIA? The FBI?’
‘The YMCA?’ Ged offers. ‘The RSVP?’ He and Liam have done nothing but sit quietly and stare at Luke while his meltdown unfolds, but they are growing weary.
‘I said someone in this hotel might be trying to take care of you,’ I say resignedly. ‘We don’t know for sure what that means exactly, but until we are, we thought it best to keep you safe.’ What’s not to understand? We have been having this same conversation on repeat for an hour.
‘None of us are qualified to deal with this sort of situation but, honestly, we’re all doing well not to freak out,’ Ged says, trying to calm him.
‘Mind, to be fair, we’re not the ones with a killer on the loose.
Or the ones who just lost a million dollars.
Who pays an opera singer a million dollars to sing at their wedding?
Was it Gaga? Was it Kim? Not J-Lo again?
That veil covering her face didn’t budge an inch, even when she was whacking her flowers over your head. Was it fixed to the dress?’
How is that helping?
‘And the police?’ frets Luke. ‘I’m calling the police right now. Where’s my phone?’
I had the good sense to remove it earlier when he threatened to ring Princess Anne, King Harald of Norway, and CNN.
Given Luke is a royal, and an international celebrity, presumably he’s feared for his safety before now, but we need a bit of time to establish whether this is a real bona fide threat first, so that we don’t get into trouble with the authorities or cause a diplomatic incident – or worse, annoy Nancy by being late for our next performance. ‘Have you done this before?’ I ask him.
‘Done what before?’ Luke flaps his hands about. ‘Feared a crazy assassin is after me? Got mixed up with the wrong crowd of lunatics?’ He raises his eyebrows as he sweeps his gaze to each of us. ‘Unfortunately, that’s something we royals always have vaguely in the back of our minds.’
‘Listen. On the basis that the last place the killer will probably look for the stalker is Connie’s room, I suggest that Luke stays with Connie and Matteo tonight for the first drop-off,’ says Liam.
‘Yes, makes sense,’ agrees Ged.
‘No, it doesn’t,’ I argue. They just want rid of him.
‘Excuse me,’ says Luke, his voice breaking.
‘Can we circle back to the use of the words killer and stalker? What is going on here? Do you mean you know who it is?’ Luke is taking in terrified gulps of air.
‘Can’t you explain that I’m here for work, not for stalking purposes?
And FYI, I’ve never stalked anyone in my life. ’
‘Not killer. He meant the person who is going to take care of you, and by stalker, well, erm, that’s just a loose term we gave you when you kept following me from country to country!
’ I’m losing my temper at it all now. ‘If you’d only just listened to me in the first place, in York, we wouldn’t even be in this mess, would we? ’
Luke surprises us all by collapsing like a pack of cards and slips with a thud onto the floor.
‘He even falls like a posh person,’ remarks Ged.
‘Yes, that was a real swoon, wasn’t it?’ adds Liam.
The door flings open. Matteo, Big Sue and Big Mand burst through the door arguing among themselves about who isn’t babysitting the first shift. They stop immediately when they see Ged, Liam and me gathered around Luke’s crumpled body.
‘Fucking hell. We’re too goddamn late! They’ve killed him!’ yells Big Sue.
‘Why haven’t you hidden the body?’ demands Big Mand. ‘Why is it just lying there? Why are you all just gawping at it? No body, no crime. Doesn’t anyone listen to podcasts?’
We all let her words hang in the air for a beat.