Chapter 10 Callum
CALLUM
I hunted for elk in the wildlands then sold the meat to a local butcher. For a brief moment, I felt like I was living my old life, earning coin so I could buy Anya books and opium to ease her pain.
But the despair I carried was so much heavier now.
I’d already ruined my second chance at life, and I’d been alive for just a month.
I used the coin I earned to stay at a local inn. Drank in the bar by myself at night then sat in the rocking chair in my room by the window and watched the moon move through the sky. My eyes remained open despite the exhaustion.
It was hard for me to sleep when I was drunk and depressed. I was also afraid to dream…dream about Lily. To experience those beautiful moments that were just old memories now, and there would be no new memories to replace them.
I’d known she would be upset by the revelation, but I hadn’t expected it to be this bad. When she analyzed what happened and repeated it back to me, reminding me that I didn’t actually help her achieve anything, that I just fixed what I broke with massive casualties, I realized she was right.
What I did was horrible…and unforgivable.
She wished I hadn’t told her, and now I wished I hadn’t either.
My days became routine, hunting in the morning to cover the expense of the inn and paying for my food and ale in the bar. Four days came and went, and even though I hadn’t told anyone where I’d gone, I knew Lily could find me if she wanted to see me.
She didn’t want to see me.
I sat in the bar by myself that night and stared at the fire across the room. A woman sang from the corner while her fingers lightly played the strings of a harp. All the men stared at her and tossed coins at her feet because her voice was as beautiful as she was.
But I stared at the fire, thinking about the woman I’d lost.
Once in a while, a woman would come up to me and try to join me, but I was too depressed and exhausted and broken to say a word. So I just left my chair and moved to another empty table, knowing she would get the message.
I was surprised none of them threw a tankard at my head.
My arms and ankles were crossed as I stared at the fire, an old, toothless man sitting next to it alone with his dog lying on the floor beside his feet.
The gentle thud of a tankard against wood caught my attention, and I turned my head to see who had joined me.
It wasn’t a woman about to make her move, but Talon Rothschild.
I hadn’t expected to see him—not unless he was putting me to the sword.
He pulled out the other chair and took a seat.
I stared at him, unable to believe he was really there, that he’d found me, and he hadn’t punched me in the face yet.
He stared back, his eyes solemn.
Perhaps she hadn’t told him to spare me.
I didn’t deserve to be spared.
“Doing okay?” he finally asked, dressed casually but still having the aura of a king. Other people in the bar seemed to know exactly who he was because they all stared at the back of his head.
“No. Is she?”
He gave a slight shake of his head. “She’s been spending a lot of time with her mother.”
I nodded, glad she had someone.
I didn’t have anyone, not a single person. Everyone I’d ever known and loved had been dead for hundreds of years. I still felt like a ghost on the mortal plane, existing when I shouldn’t exist at all. Without Lily, I felt out of place. “Did she tell you?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
I studied his gaze and didn’t detect a hint of hostility. “And you don’t want me dead?”
“The way I feel about you is…complicated.”
“You should want me dead.”
“I should,” he said with a nod. “But you didn’t have to tell Lily the truth, and you did anyway. You knew the destruction it would cause and the endangerment to your relationship with Lily, but you did it anyway.” He cocked his head slightly. “I respect you for that, Callum.”
My parents had died shortly after I’d reached adulthood, and I’d been on my own ever since.
I’d always had my brother, but he was more of a friend than the replacement parent.
This was the first time I’d felt that feeling, like I was sitting in front of the fire with my father.
Talon was my age, maybe a year or two older or younger, but he had the presence of a father as well as a king.
“I always felt like there was something missing with you, and now I feel better, knowing I have that piece.”
“I would have told her sooner, but if she knew my part in everything, she never would have trusted me to help her. The Barbarians were strong, even without my resources, and I was afraid…afraid of all the things they would do to her if she lost.” I wouldn’t tell Talon that Kennt wanted her as his bride, wanted to force her to carry his children.
None of that had come to pass, but it was still scarring.
“I’m sure Lily would have found a way, but my way was easier. ”
He nodded like he understood.
“I meet my soul mate…and the deck is stacked against me.” I looked into my tankard, already having had one too many.
Talon said nothing to that.
“Do you think I have a chance?” My eyes lifted to look at his.
They still looked worn and empty with loss.
“I don’t know, Callum. She’s taken it really hard.
I’ve known her all her life, and she always picks herself right back up after she falls down.
But this is different. This is the first time I’ve seen her irrevocably broken.
It’s like she’s the one who’s been stabbed with a cursed blade. ”
A wave of nauseating guilt hit me in the face. Most of my senses had been dulled as a servant of the underworld, but now I felt the full complexity of being human. Felt sick and weak and empty. Defeated.
I pulled the tankard closer to me but didn’t take a drink, a dull ache descending all over my body. “I wish I hadn’t told her.”
“You did the right thing.”
I gave a slight shake of my head. “It doesn’t feel like the right thing.”
Talon sat with me in silence, minutes trickling by.
“She’s the only reason I wanted a second chance at life.
The only reason I wanted to live. The only reason I wanted more children.
So if that’s not an option, I’m ready to pass on.
My life before was brief, but my sons and their sons and their sons…
are all gone. I have nothing left in this world.
I could never love another woman besides Lily, so there is no reason for me to stay. ”
“You haven’t returned to the villa to speak with her?”
I shook my head.
“Perhaps you should fight for her instead of planning your exit strategy.”
“Fight for her?” Both of my eyebrows lifted as I looked at him.
“I was married before. I fought for my wife every day. Our disagreements were rare, but I never let them divide us. I learned to adapt to her triggers and she mine. This is not a disagreement. This is not an infidelity. This is not something I can defeat.”
Talon stared at me.
“She needs to decide whether this is something she can accept…or something she can’t.
I could kiss her and remind her what we’re fighting for.
I could beg and plead for another chance, but that wouldn’t be right either.
I want her to make her decision with a clear mind, and I will respect whatever that decision is. ”
Talon continued to look at me, his eyes sheathed in empathy.
“The decision lies with her.”
A couple days later, Talon returned again.
I was in the bar where he’d seen me last, and he took a seat without ordering a drink.
I hadn’t expected to see him for a while—or at all. I wasn’t sure why he was so kind to me after I’d hurt his daughter.
“I want to show you something,” he said as he nodded for the door.
I had nothing else to fill my time, so I followed him outside onto the cobblestone street. It was late afternoon, the sun still bright because it was summertime. We walked through the town in silence, catching the attention of a lot of people on the road.
When we reached the end of town, two horses were waiting for us, held by the guards.
“Can you ride?” Talon asked as he climbed up on his horse.
It’d been a long time, but it was something I would never forget. I climbed up easily and grabbed the reins.
“Follow me.” He cracked the reins and tapped his heels against the sides of the horse before he took off along the slope of the road that led up the side of the valley.
I rode behind his black horse on my chestnut mare, the view of the village changing as we moved farther into the valleys and the hills. After a ten-minute ride, we arrived at the top of the hill, a breathtaking view of the sea and the cliffs where the castle sat in the distance.
It was a vineyard, a house at the top of the hill next to a barn. The land stretched out with rows of vines, purple grapes hanging from the leaves.
I didn’t know why he wanted to show me this place.
He dismounted his horse and tied the reins to a post.
I did the same.
He walked to the barn and rolled open one of the big doors, showing the equipment used to process wine. I didn’t know the name of any of the pieces or how they worked together, but I could figure out this place was designed to make wine from the grapes.
I’d never cared for wine until I’d drunk it with Lily over dinner. It meant something else to me now…and made me miss her more than I already did.
“Why did you want to show me this?” I asked.
“Because this land has been abandoned for a while, and I thought you might like to upkeep it.”
I turned to look at the vineyards again, acres of land to maintain. “Why?”
“You seem like a man who works with his hands.”
“I used to be a carpenter…and a painter.”
“Then I’m sure you’ll figure this out.”
“I don’t know anything about wine, Talon.”
“You’ll figure it out,” he repeated. “You can’t make a living off hunting elk and selling it to a butcher.”
How did he know that?
“And you can’t keep living at an inn.”
I finally understood the situation. “You’re giving me a handout.”
“It’s not a handout.”
“And that means Lily is done.” If there were hope that she just needed more time to work through what I’d shared with her, he wouldn’t have brought me here. That meant she’d said something to him to indicate it was over.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You don’t need to.” I turned to look at the vineyards just so I wouldn’t have to meet his gaze anymore, just to have a moment to process what Talon had told me without actually telling me.
“Callum.” His hand went to my shoulder, the first time he’d ever touched me.
I didn’t look at him.
“I think she needs more time. And you should have something that’s yours to focus on.”
“This isn’t mine.” I stepped away from his touch. “This belonged to someone else. Probably wasn’t abandoned. They probably died in the battle that I caused.”
Talon didn’t correct me.
“It’s an insult to their land.”
“Callum.” He moved so I was forced to meet his gaze.
“Whether it works out with Lily or not, you should have something that is yours. And you did defend this kingdom against the Barbarians. You gave your strength to my daughter, who still has it to this day. I give this to you in gratitude for what you’ve done for her. ”
I didn’t deserve it, so I just shook my head. “Why are you helping me, Talon? Honestly, I preferred it when you hated me. At least that made sense. This does not make sense.”
He stared at me for a while, sympathy moving into his gaze. “Because even if it doesn’t work out with Lily, I think you deserve a second chance, Callum. I know it’s hard after you’ve lost so much, but give it time, and you’ll find happiness again.”
“Lily is irreplaceable—”
“And so were Vivian and Lena. But I found Calista.”
I didn’t even want to entertain the idea of another woman. Just the thought made me sick. Lily was the only woman I wanted in my bed, in my arms, in my life. “Talon—”
“I lost my entire family when my enemies attacked the Southern Isles. I watched my wife and child burn before my eyes. And in my grief, I stabbed a dagger right through my heart.” His hand moved over his chest where his heart continued to beat.
“And I was pissed when Khazmuda saved me because I wanted to die more than anything. But in time, things got better. I learned to live again. And when I thought I would never love again, I met Calista.”
He opened up to me. He shared with me. Gave me more than I deserved. “Why are you helping me?” I asked the question again because his answer wasn’t good enough. “I’m the reason these landowners are dead, and you’re trying to help me. I’m the reason your daughter is devastated.”
“Because you remind me so much of myself. From your appearance to your past…everything. I did a lot of shit I’m not proud of. I’m not any better than you, if I’m being honest with myself. But this is separate from your relationship with my daughter. Whether it works out or not, I’m here.”
I still didn’t understand his compassion or his kindness. I knew our relationship had grown through the stories we’d shared, but what I’d done to his daughter was unforgivable. He should have his dragon burn me to death.
“I know what it’s like to feel alone and wish for death. But I had one person who kept me alive, who kept me going, and I can be that person for you.”
“Who was your person?” I asked.
There seemed to be a glint of affection in his eyes when he thought about the person, warmth that felt hot like the sun. Even the corner of his mouth cracked in a smile. “Not really a person but…Khazmuda.”