28. Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Griffin's Beach Felicity
C oming home from the wedding, Felicity decides it's time to get over being so angry. It's time to finally read Vicky's diaries. As she watched Ky and Venom defend Lex, she couldn't deny the relationship between her husband and former friend. The sibling relationship they seem to have, and she longs for the time she had that with Vicky. One of her biggest regrets is not getting to know her more before she died.
The rivalry between them never made any sense. They were so close until it all shifted one day. Felicity remembers the day, too. She'd come home from school, ready to tell her big sister about the girl Lex beat up on the playground for saying her dad was a dirty biker, but Vicky wasn't interested. That was the day she started spending most of her time alone in her room, and no matter how hard Felicity tried, Vicky completely shut her out. Of her room and her life.
It was then that she decided that if she wasn't good enough for her sister, she would be better. It only started as a way to get Vicky to notice her. If she thought her little sister was too immature or stupid, she was going to be more mature and smarter than Vicky. It backfired, though, and it made things worse rather than better. Even when Felicity tried to stop the stupid game they played, she'd already set it in motion, and it was too late.
"I wish would've just let me in, Vicky," Felicity says and reaches for a diary. "Maybe I can get to know you this way. I just pray there's nothing else in here that will break my heart."
God, I hate Felicity. She's just so damn perfect. But what I hate even more is the fact I don't hate her. I'm actually kind of jealous, which makes me hate her. I may be the older sister, but she's wise beyond her years. She also knows what she deserves and refuses to accept anything less. How great that must be. I, on the other hand, tend to accept whatever scraps get thrown my way because I'm not good enough. Not like Felicity. Jesus, I sound pathetic. What older sister thinks, "Gee, I wish I could be more like my little sis?" It's so fucked up, but it's true. I wish I was more like her. Not that I can ever tell her that. I'd shoot myself before admitting it to her. How she's always so put together, I'll never know. I can't figure it out. I have all these wild thoughts and urges that she doesn't seem to possess. Or maybe she's better at pushing them down and ignoring them than I am. If we had a better relationship, I could ask her, but she'd never tell me now. I can't admit anything because she'll be able to use it against me. No, she can't have the same feelings I do. There's no way she's a better actress than I am. No one compares to me. Not even Mom knows the doctor she sent me to diagnosed me as a schizophrenic. AT least I can hide it in front of the family. School, though, it's a lot harder to maintain my image for longer stretches. I think it's time I drop out. Who needs school anyway? I have a hot body. I can make money with it for at least a few years, and then I'll just find a rich old man. Maybe that'll fix the broken feeling inside me. The one I'm sure is brought on by my illness. The meds that stupid doc prescribed haven't been filled. I can't hide that from Mom and Dad. I don't have the money to pay for them on my own, and I think self-medicating works just fine. Plus, fucking while high off my ass is like nothing I've ever experienced before. It's the definition of an out of body experience. Every part of my body tingling when I find a guy who actually wants to make me come. Like my ex, Jeremy. That boy has a magic tongue... Fuck, now I need to call him. His girlfriend holds out on him, so he has no issues helping get me off because he knows I'll do the same.
"Holy shit," Felicity gasps. "Vicky had schizophrenia? That makes a lot of sense, but how the hell did she never tell Mom?"
Opening to another page, she smirks at the short entry.
That fucking bitch. Autumn nearly got her ass kicked today. I overheard her talking shit about Felicity in the bathroom, and she's just lucky Derek had paid me to shove his cock down my throat in the bathroom stall, otherwise she would have lost all that ugly ass red hair. I've never liked it. Girl needs to see a stylist. Like for real. I really want to shatter her ideal reality that she calls her life. I want to tell her that Rocco told me she sucks in bed. In fact, he tried to take me to bed, and I turned him down because I tend to like my guys actually experienced. Usually, I like them older. A lot older. It's one thing for me to bitch about Miss Perfect, but I sure as hell won't allow anyone else to do it. Maybe I should get her back. There's a small, very small, chance that Rocco won't be a bad lay. I can ruin that little relationship because I know he won't turn me down if I offer up my body. I just don't get it. How can anyone look at Rocko and think, "Oh, he's soooo dreamy" without laughing their ass off? He looks like a soft fuck at best, but maybe that's what I'll do. I'll see for myself. Get back at the redheaded bitch. No one gets to mess with Felicity besides me.
A strange sense of longing washes over Felicity, and she sets the diary down. Vicky never seemed protective after she hit middle school, so reading it makes her miss the sister she always wanted.
"Vicky, I know you didn't think you could come to me, but I would have helped you. I would have been there if nothing else."
I was right! Rocco's the lamest fuck I've ever had. He has no right to bitch about Autumn in bed because I barely noticed his dick was inside me. He, of course, thought it was the greatest forty-five seconds of his life. And it probably was. Hopefully he's not done growing yet because that thing isn't worth showing off as proudly as he did. It's so small. Maybe it's not his fault he's a soft fuck. I mean, who expects to get full off of a cocktail wiener when you're used to eating bratwursts?
Felicity bursts out laughing. That woman has been pissing her off for a while now, and she only stayed cordial with her because Lex attacked Autumn. They had something in common, but this... This might put her in her place. Or maybe Rocco, who walks around like his shit doesn't stink. She wonders what he'd think if everyone found out he'd cheated on Autumn with her sister.
Deciding she needs to know more about the night with Ky, she takes a deep breath and finds the diary she tucked away to avoid accidentally reading it again. She needs to know if her sister felt badly after sleeping with Ky. Did she want to tell Felicity? Was she happy to finally have something to one-up her by? Did she plan to reveal it to destroy Felicity?
I hate myself. I can't believe I did that. Ky wasn't the only one sick, and after he left the room, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The voices in my head screamed at me. They kept telling me what a shitty person I was, and I know they were right. I am a shitty person. It doesn't matter that Felicity and Ky weren't together when I fucked him, he's her ex-boyfriend. My sister's ex is always off-limits. To shut out the voices, I dug through my purse for all of the pills I could find. I took them, and for two days, I have no idea what happened. I woke up with two men in bed with me, so I have some type of an idea of what I did. No idea where I was or who they were, and I have no idea how long I'd been there until I got home. But my ass was sore, so I know at least one of them took that. Definitely not my proudest moment. It still doesn't compare to how I felt like absolute garbage as I walked home, ass aching, thinking about how I got into this position in the first place. What I did to my sister. I think it was about eight times that I thought about just stepping into oncoming traffic before I made it to Derek's apartment. Luckily, he'd been so high off his ass that he didn't realize I'd even been gone. Not like he'd really care that much anyway. Then Ky came to talk to me this morning, and he looked as terrible as I felt. It doesn't really make a girl feel great when a man gets physically ill and torn up after fucking her, but I couldn't deny I felt the same way. I may have been his first fuck, but Felicity will always have his heart. The one he loves. I don't think anyone's ever loved me before. Not for more than a night or two. And I know I deserve that. He asked if I'd told Felicity about what happened, and I asked if he was nuts. I never plan to. And I really don't. No matter how pissed I get at her, I'll never tell. It would break her, and I'd jump off a bridge before I ever caused her that much pain. It was the dumbest decision I've ever made. I have to admit that I'm glad Lex is in Arizona because I know Ky won't be able to stop himself from telling her. And she would kick my fucking ass. She's the only person besides my mother that I'm terrified of. I'll hide it every time, but if it came down to it, Lex could kill me. Her brother has made her so hard that she'd take out a grown man two feet taller than her before she'd ever admit defeat. And her love of my sister is the only one that rivals mine. And Zane's. How Zane hasn't completely hardened Lex, I'll never know, but I'm glad she's a fierce protector of Felicity. I've seen it, and she doesn't tell people. God, I hate that I admire that curly bitch. Another Little Miss Perfect. I don't think I have to worry about Lex telling Felicity. Just like Ky and me, Lex would never want to hurt her. She's the only real friend Felicity's ever had, and I wish I had a Lex in my life. She'll probably push Ky to tell Felicity, but I don't think he ever will. He'll lose her forever if he does, and he'd never risk that. As much as I love Felicity, she has a defiant streak, and she loves to have a reason to be angry. Instead, Ky will just find ways to punish himself instead. Which is exactly why I went and landed myself a job at the strip club. If I'm going to be a whore, I might as well make decent money off of it. Happy birthday to me.
Leaning back in the chair, Felicity can't stop the sobs. Vicky was sick. Sick enough to need medication as well as therapy, but she refused. Her terrible decisions were driven by her illness, and she felt the need to punish herself for it.
She always looked up to her big sister. She didn't agree with Vicky's choices, but she envied how free she always seemed. Like she didn't care what anyone thought about her decisions because it was her life. How many of those decisions were driven by her desire to punish herself?
"Mom?" Gracie asks and walks into the living room. "Are you okay?"
"I've made a lot of mistakes, kid," Felicity says and sets the diaries back inside the box. Pulling her daughter into her arms, she sets Gracie on her lap like a small child.
It's a bit awkward, but Gracie doesn't push her mother away. "It's never too late to try and come back from them. You can still make things right, Mom."
"Baby, I'm sorry for how I've acted lately. How I've made you feel."
Even her sister knew she liked to have a reason to be angry back then. If anything, it's only gotten worse with age. She's been so focused on being upset and wronged that she didn't step back to see the big picture.
"It's not an ideal situation for us, I know," she says and rests her hand on the growing baby bump. "I know I disappointed you."
Kissing her temple, she doesn't attempt to stop the tears. "I just wanted more for you than I had. But I can't be disappointed in you when I was the one who set this example. I know what you're going through, and I'm sorry I haven't been here for you more."
"Mom, I have to ask you something, and I want an honest answer. I won't hold it against you, okay? But I need to know."
"What's that Gracie?"
"Do you regret having Gavin? I won't say a word, but I... I need to know because I don't want to make a decision that I'll wish I'd made differently later on."
Shaking her head, she squeezes Gracie's arm. "Not for a single second. I love your brother, and I love you. You're not sure you want to raise the baby anymore?"
"I thought I did, but with everything going on, I can't help but wonder if I'm making the wrong choice. I don't want to resent my baby, and I'm not in the same boat as you and Dad. He was around and wanted to be part of things. I'm alone."
"You're not alone. You have me. And you know you have your dad and brother, too. But, baby, you should at least be able to get some type of assistance from the father. Either financial or even a weekend here and there."
Gracie stands and shakes her head. "No, I can't. It's complicated. He won’t even acknowledge he's the father. Or that we were ever together."
"Gracie—"
"It was a stupid decision on my part. I didn't realize he was dating anyone, and I let my hormones get the best of me. He was so sweet and caring. It just happened, and afterwards, he got up, got dressed, and said it was a mistake. He has a girlfriend, and as far as he was concerned, it never happened."
The watery gaze her daughter gives her puts Felicity into protective Mama Bear mode. "What?"
"I feel so dirty and used. When I saw him at school after we slept together, he ignored me. Looked at me like I was disgusting, but when I found out I was pregnant, I thought maybe it would change his mind. That what we did wasn't a mistake, but he said we never had sex. He wasn't the father, and he'd never touch me. It must be one of the many other guys I'm sleeping with, and he'll deny everything if I try to get anything from him."
Her eyebrow raises. "He knows who your father is, right?"
"That's where it gets complicated."
"Please tell me he's not a Drifter. Or related to one."
Her heart pounds as she goes through the various options in her head. Who the hell would have the balls to sleep with an underage daughter of a Drifter?
"No, but he's involved with the club. He's not old enough to prospect yet, but I think he will."
"We'll have to stop it."
Gracie shakes her head and finally makes eye contact. "No. In order to stop it, it would have to come to light. It'll hurt someone I don't want to hurt, and it'll just make me look bad because he'll deny it. I don't know how I got here, Mom. This isn't what I thought my life would be."
Jumping up, Felicity wraps her daughter up in her arms and rubs her back. "It's going to be okay. Tomorrow, we're going shopping. We need to get some baby things if we're going to do this. You're not alone. You have me, and we'll get through this."
She doesn't respond, but she clings to her mother as she cries like she did as a little girl seeking comfort. The type of comfort one can only get from their mom, and Felicity vows to find out who this man is. She'll make him pay. It'll all come to light eventually, and when it does, no one will be able to save him from Mama Bear. No one.