29. Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Griffin's Beach Lex
S itting next to Lane on her bed, Lex stares at the television across from them. Her mind is anywhere but on whatever movie they're watching. It's the way things have been since the wedding five days ago. Her thoughts bring her away from the present, and she struggles to focus until her attention is demanded.
"Where are Zane and Margaret?" Lex asks.
After the confrontation at the wedding, it's become a rule that Zane leaves before Lex arrives, and he waits until she's gone to return home. Lane's only alone for a matter of minutes, but it's better than having her watch the siblings fight. Especially with Margaret around. She's seen Zane's temper far too much with Lex around than Lex would ever want her to. She also doesn't know how much longer she can sit idly by and take everything he dishes out. No matter what he's going through, she refuses to be an emotional punching bag for yet another man for too long.
"They went for ice cream," Lane says. "He knows I need to talk to you, so he's going to stay out with her until I text him and tell him you're leaving. I know you don't want to see him."
The fact Lane asked her here to talk makes Lex bristle. Every time this woman has asked to talk, it's meant nothing good for Lex. But how does someone say no to a dying woman? Exactly. It's not possible.
"What can I do for you now?"
Shifting, Lane turns to face Lex as she lies on the bed. She's been unable to eat much the past few days with her medication, and she's barely skin and bones at this point. Her wedding dress would swallow her not even a week after the wedding. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
She sighs and sniffles. "I underestimated Zane's ability to hate. It never crossed my mind he'd be this angry with you."
"I guess you don't know him all that well then."
"But you knew, didn't you?"
Avoiding Lane's gaze, Lex stares at the screen. "I've known him all my life, so I have a little more experience. I wasn't being sarcastic when I told you that asking me to do this would guarantee my brother would hate me for the rest of his life."
"I heard about what he said to you in the parking lot." She reaches out and takes Lex's hand, and it nearly makes Lex jump at how cold her touch is. "He was wrong for that."
"He'll never think anything else when it comes to me."
"Doesn't make it right. He's handling this worse than I expected, and he's unwilling to be angry with me. I'm the one he's upset with, but he can't accept it. You're the default, and I wish you weren't. I wish he could see the amazing favor you're doing him."
Zane Dalton has no capacity to see Lex in any type of favorable light. She could save his life, and he'd find a reason to hate her for it. She's come to understand that there's nothing she can do about it anymore, and she's done trying.
No words come to mind to say. The last thing she wants to do is upset a dying woman, so she opts to stay silent instead.
"You can be angry with me, you know," Lane says. "I deserve it."
"It feels wrong to be upset with you."
"I don't blame you for looking forward to the relief you'll feel when I'm gone. This whole situation has taken such a toll on you, and you've done it with such grace. I just wish I could say something to make you feel okay with it. I appreciate everything you've done, Lex. Honestly, you've done more than I thought anyone would."
Licking her lips, Lex looks at their joined hands. Lane's ring catches her eye, and she holds back the tears as she sees the silicone spacers that have been added to keep the ring on as she loses even more weight. "I don't want you to be gone, Lane, but it would be a lie if I said I didn't want this to be over. Not because you won't be here but because this has been so much emotion and tension and chaos."
"I understand. I should have let you tell Colt."
"Why didn't you want him to know?"
She sniffles and squeezes her hand slightly. "Because I was scared."
Scared? "Of Colt?"
"No, I was scared he would talk you out of everything you've done. Because of Zane. It was selfish. There was also a little fear he'd tell someone, and once the secret got out, there would be no taking it back. I just... I wasn't ready. If only a few people knew, it wasn't totally real. Not until I got to the point where I couldn't walk across the house without getting so tired that I had to stop. It was hard to ignore it at that point."
"It's interesting you think I'm strong enough to defy my brother but not my husband."
Laughing, Lane wipes her face, and Lex finally looks up to see her crying. "It's different when it's the man you love with your whole heart. I should've known better when it came to you."
They sit in silence, the only noise coming from the low volume on the television. Lane doesn't like being alone, and a lot of time outside of wedding plan has been spent just being. They watched so many shows and movies neither really wanted to see, and until she was bed bound, they sat in the living room to do it. Zane brought the television into the bedroom for her because she struggles to get out of bed.
"I need you to promise me something," Lane whispers.
Everything that starts like this doesn't end well for me. "Promise you what?"
Picking up the remote, her hand shakes as she turns off the TV, and Lex knows it's serious. "Promise that you'll help push Zane to move on after I'm gone. He'll feel guilty, and I don't want that. He's not someone who does very well on his own, and he needs someone. Someone more than just Margaret."
"It'll be a while before he's ready for anything."
"Don't let him wait too long."
"I'll do what I can, but I'm not someone he's willing to listen to on a good day. The past seven weeks have proven I'm the last person he wants to talk to."
She wipes her eyes and nods, more unshed tears welling her eyes. "I know, but I'm just asking you to try. And I also need you to be there for Margaret."
Hurt. It's the only word that comes to mind at her words. "Lane, I've always been here for Margaret. And I always will. I can't believe you'd question that."
"I don't, but I just need to hear you say it," she whispers. "And please don't let her forget me."
The tears fall, and Lex feels the familiar sting of her own. "She'll never forget you. You're her mom."
"I need to make sure she never forgets how much her mom loves her. I love her more than anything in this world, and I wouldn't trade a single thing for the time we've been together."
Tugging on Lane's hand, Lex forces them to lock eyes. "I promise. Margaret will never wonder if her mother loves her. I'll make sure of it regardless of where Zane and I stand."
Lane smiles and points to the table. "Can you grab those?"
Releasing her hand, she turns to find two stacks of envelopes she hadn't noticed sitting on the bedside table. They're tied with ribbons, and Lane's familiar cursive handwriting adorns them. "You're asking another favor, aren't you?"
"There are only two letters for Zane on the top of that left pile. The first one that I need you to give him will be the day of my funeral. I know it's going to be difficult for him, and I need him to see the words he won't listen to me say. He needs to figure out how to be strong for our daughter, and I worry he's going to let himself become overwhelmed with grief and stop him from being there for her. I hope he can understand that being there for her will help heal him, too."
Her brother is nothing if not stubborn, but Lex doesn't tell Lane she thinks she has too high of expectations of Zane. "And the other?"
"I need you to hold onto it until the day he finds someone to move on with. He'll wrestle with the guilt, and I want him to know it's okay. I want him to move on. Unless it's with a club bunny. Do not let him get serious with a bunny. I will haunt his ass if he brings one of those trollops into my house and around my daughter. That's the last type of maternal figure Margaret needs."
Chuckling, Lex nods. "I think I can manage that. If nothing else, I'll kick some ass. What are the other letters?"
"They're for Margaret."
"There are a lot of letters here, Lane."
"They're for all of the milestones I won't be around for. Starting with my funeral. She needs to know that even though I'm not physically here, I'm still with her. I'm always there, and that I'm watching over her in spirit."
As her brown eyes become a blur, Lex finds it difficult to keep her own emotions at bay. "I'll take care of it."
A loud sob shakes Lane's body, and she balls her hands into fists. "God!"
"What is it? Do you need me to get the nurse? Do you need more pain meds?" she asks in alarm.
"No," she says, grabbing Lex's wrist and stopping her from climbing off the bed. "I'm so angry, Lex. I'm so mad."
"At me?"
Shaking her head, she sniffles as her hair sticks to her wet cheeks. "At God. At the universe. At my fucking body. And I'm scared."
She shifts over and pulls Lane as gingerly as she can into her arms. "I think that's normal and okay. Margaret is going to be taken care of. I promise you that."
"I know you'll make sure she's okay. I'm scared because I know I'm going to miss it all. And I’m pissed off because I need fifty more years."
"I know."
Taking a shaky breath, her teeth chatter. "I want to be here to help her get ready for prom. For her first date. I want to watch her walk across the stage at her graduation and be the annoying mom in the aisle taking pictures as she accepts her diploma. I want to be there when she picks out her wedding dress and help her get ready to marry the person of her dreams. To help her when she has her first baby and guide her to be a good partner for someone. Lex, I'm never going to hold my grandbabies."
Lex holds her, but she's unable to hold back her own tears any longer. "You will be with her. You'll find ways to guide her. I know you, and you will be present. She'll feel you with her, especially when she needs you the most."
"It's not the same as being there in person. I won't be able to hold her when she has her first heartbreak. To ground her for drinking or smoking. Even having the sex talk and scaring the hell out of her to try and stop her from getting pregnant."
"I'm good for scaring the hell out of people. You can tag me in."
She laughs, but the sobs don't subside. "I want one more Christmas with her. And with Zane. I've never felt love like I have with him, and I'm so scared he won't survive this. He's not strong like you are, Lex. And he's so angry. I know you don't owe us any more than you’ve already given, but please try to help him direct his anger to the right person."
Even though she knows Zane will never listen to her, she doesn't have the heart to tell Lane it would be for nothing if Lex talked to Zane about who to be angry with. Deep down, she knows Lane knows the truth, but if believing Lex has any power when it comes to her brother makes her feel better, she'll let her.
"I don't want to leave them," Lane sobs. "I want to be magically cured and stay here. Why couldn't the treatments work? Why didn't my body respond to them the way it was supposed to? Why couldn't I be one of those inspirational success stories everyone strives to be?"
It's the first time since Lane told Lex about the diagnosis and prognosis that she's actually broken down. That she's talked about dying without it being clinical and what she wants. It made it easier to talk about.
"I don't know," Lex whispers. "I want to say the universe has a reason for everything, but I can't come up with anything right now that would be rational or comforting. This is something that just happens, and it sucks. I wish we could change the outcome. If I had the power, I'd take it away from you and give it to someone terrible. Like Lacey's dad, who I think might still be kicking somehow. He deserves this, not you."
"It's not fair. It's just... It's unfair."
Words can't comfort her right now, so Lex just holds her until she cries herself to sleep. Being a mother herself, she can't even fathom the idea of having to leave her kids behind like this. It's a pain that scares her more than anything else she's ever had to face, and the only comfort she'll find tonight is when she goes home and hugs her babies. She needs to hold them close and thank the universe she's still here even though she's had so many situations where she almost wasn't. She's not sure why she was spared, but she'll be forever grateful.