16. Skylar
16
SKYLAR
Well, shit. That could not have been more of a disaster. Honestly, I blamed myself. I could tell Kit was still nervous, even though he was into everything we were doing. I’d never not known I was gay, so I’d never had to question it. It had always been a part of me, for better or worse.
While many of my friends had similar stories, some, however, had far more traumatic burn in periods. Several tried and failed at hetero relationships while secretly questioning their sexuality—sometimes for years—before they attempted anything physical with someone of the same sex. That was especially difficult for some of my bi/pan friends, who had to work out their own personal mix of sexuality and romanticism. One friend was almost forty before realizing that, while she was pansexual, she was also homoromantic. She liked to joke that it only took two marriages and a failed roomate-tionship to figure it out.
Like Kit, a few hadn’t even considered their queerness until the opportunity presented itself. Their first encounters were often followed by days of wondering who the hell they were as a human on the planet.
Just because I’d never experienced it didn’t mean I didn’t care. Seeing Kit’s tears completely gutted me. I knew enough to know I wasn’t the problem, but I still couldn’t help but wonder if I had taken it too far. Maybe we should’ve stopped at the kiss and then proceeded more slowly. It’s just . . . sigh. I’d never been so taken by a kiss in all my life. I wanted more of those slow, deliberate kisses.
Okay, well . . . some of this probably was my fault, but then having Rowdy walk in on us was the finishing blow.
Speaking of . . .
I pulled up my phone.
Me: You can come back. Kit left.
Rowdy: I am so fucking sorry. Did I freak him out?
Me: Oh, he was already freaking out all on his own.
Me: But yeah, I assume he’s joining the Witness Protection Program as we speak.
Rowdy: Shit. Sorry for busting in like the Kool-Aid man.
Me: You’re forgiven.
Me: Hooker.
Rowdy: brT.
A few minutes later, his tentative knock cracked me up. Rolling my eyes, I opened the door on a flourish.
“You understand that knocking now doesn’t help anything.”
“I know. But . . . I probably should have been knocking from the beginning.”
“Ya think?”
Chuckling at his guilty expression, I let him in and we sat across from each other at the tiny table. I exhaled slowly, steepling my fingers.
Rowdy started. “So . . . this was unexpected. But not.”
“That is a good way of putting it.”
When I had nothing more to offer, he asked, “How the hell did Kit end up here?”
I shook my head. “I went over to Rebel Sky for an appointment. As a favor to him.”
Rowdy said. “Does that mean Sam finally got Trip to admit there’s an issue with his shoulder?”
“Begrudgingly,” I answered. “Also, are there any secrets in this group of friends?”
“Very few,” he answered with a grimace.
“At least I got to meet Sam. He’s cool.”
Rowdy’s smile was soft. “I love Sam to death. He and Desi are a good time at brunch.”
“So I’ve been told.”
Rowdy, perhaps catching onto my short answers, clasped his hands on the table and gave me an assessing look. “So, can I assume something happened out there?”
I sat forward, rubbing my temples. “Maybe?”
Rowdy gave me the keep it coming gesture.
“All I know is that Kit started acting real jittery after he got back from spending time with the rodeo guy.”
“Luke?”
“Apparently Kit was leaving the circuit right as Luke was hitting it big, so they knew each other a little.”
Rowdy drummed his fingers on the table. “Luke would be the perfect person for Kit to talk to, if he was questioning shit.”
“Yeah, well, as soon as he came back from their conversation, he was anxious to leave. Like, gotta go, gotta go anxious.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kit look impatient.”
“It was unnerving,” I admitted. “I’d already done the work up on Trip, so I cut short our conversation. By the time we got back here, I thought he was gonna come out of his skin.”
“Seriously?”
“I asked him what was going on, and he said he wanted to kiss me again.”
“Wait. Again ?” Rowdy flicked his hands out by his temples, like I’d just blown his mind.
“The first time I went to his house to work on his knee, he kissed me,” I finally admitted, more relieved than I thought I’d be to let go of that secret.
“ Seriously ?”
“To be fair, I’d gotten him a little drunk because he was in so much pain, but yeah. He’s a fucking fantastic kisser.”
“I can see that about Kit,” Rowdy said, letting out his long hair to run his hands through it. “But nothing happened after that first time?”
I shook my head. “We both agreed that it was an anomaly, and that we would never speak of it again.”
“But . . .”
“He’s been helping me with the new business, Rowd. This whole thing was his idea to begin with. He’s so good at the business side of things, and I have really appreciated the help.”
“While lusting after him.”
“Obviously.”
“And do you think you were getting signs from him?”
“Mixed signals only. Very mixed signals. So, when he said he wanted to kiss me again, it shocked the hell out of me.”
“I bet. What’d you say?”
“Yes, obviously.”
“And? And ?”
I bit at my bottom lip. “I told him I’d been waiting for him. He planted one on me and I swear the goddamned planets realigned themselves.”
Rowdy swooned, then collapsed on the table. “Fuckin’ A.”
“And then I invited him in.”
“Bitch . . .” The surprise in Rowdy’s eyes turned to confusion. “And he went willingly?”
“Very.”
He repeated the keep it rolling gesture.
“Let’s just say that, even though we didn’t do the nasty nasty, he is a very thorough, considerate lover. I mean, we both got off pretty epically and then fell asleep. Which is why I forgot all about shopping.”
“Went and fucked yourselves into a coma, didn’t you?”
“That we did. But then Kit woke up and tried to be real careful about getting out of bed, like he didn’t want me to know he was awake. I was surprised, actually, when he didn’t try to sneak out.”
“What’d he do?”
“He spent a long time in the bathroom, probably reevaluating his entire life in the mirror. When he came out, I knew I had to get him talking.”
“Were you able to get anywhere with that?”
“Eventually, but he was really freaking out at first. And he cried. Not a lot because rancher , but he definitely shed a few tears.”
Rowdy clutched his chest. “Oh my God. Poor, sweet, confused man.”
I was grateful Rowdy wasn’t making fun, and I agreed with his assessment. Kit looked more confused and lost than I’d ever seen another person, and I own a mirror.
Rubbing his chin, he asked, “But when I walked in, y’all were kissing, so . . .?”
“He’d just come out of his freak out, and the kissing was calming him down.”
“Until I went and ruined everything.” Rowdy dropped his chin to his chest, mournful.
“Scooted out of here as quick as he could,” I said, trying to avoid piling any more guilt on Rowdy’s plate. “Not sure if I’ll ever see him again.”
“What do you think’s freaking him out the most? That I saw y’all together? That he wanted to get personal with you?”
I ran my fingertips along the wood grain, considering.
“He admitted that he’d already been thinking of me in that way, so him kissing me wasn’t out of the blue.”
“Okay . . .”
I thought on it, then finally said, “He’s based a lot of his identity on being the stable, responsible kind of guy, so when he got himself into a spin, I think that set him off as much as anything. So, maybe not just that he wants me, but that he can’t find any equilibrium about wanting me, if that makes any sense.”
It was Rowdy’s turn to mull things over. “I can see that, actually.” He tapped the front of his teeth, then lifted his gaze to mine. “But I gotta ask—what do you want with him? Are you looking to punch his ticket and the let him loose?”
I wrinkled my nose. “No.”
Rowdy raised his brows and gestured— again —for me to continue. I chewed on my lower lip for a moment, then decided on the truth.
“I like him. I like him so much,” I finally admitted. “He’s nothing like those rich motherfuckers who hired me so they have someone to boss around and sit there and look pretty.”
“Oh, yeah. He’s on a different planet in a distant solar system compared to those guys. He’d never act like you were at his beck and call.”
“Exactly. I see how he cares for the people and things that are important to him, and . . . fuck. Maybe it’s selfish, but I’ve never been cared for like that and I want it. I want it so badly.”
Rowdy’s know-it-all grin irritated me.
“ What ?”
“You made fun of me for being an ass virgin, but you’re a love virgin.”
“Oh, shut up.” I pushed his shoulder, embarrassed because he’d hit the nail on the head. “I’ve fallen in love plenty.”
“But not with someone who was worthy of loving you back,” he pointed out, rather unhelpfully, I thought.
“Seriously, shut up.”
He laughed. “Honestly, I’m happy for you. But—” He paused again, his expression thoughtful. “Do you think he’ll be able to settle down enough to consider a relationship with you?”
“ I don’t know ,” I whined. I let my head fall back and stared at the ceiling, questioning everything. “Is this why none of my gay friends ever want to fuck straight boys?”
“Probably. But we’ve never been one for the rules, have we?”
I curled forward over the table. “I just hope he doesn’t break my heart.”
“You hafta know that even if it doesn’t work out with him, he’ll never mistreat you.”
“True,” I said as a pang of guilt shot through me. “Shit. I’m here talking about this with you, but I can tell he would be mortified to find out we’d been talking about his sexuality behind his back. Can you . . .?”
Rowdy waved away my concern. “Of course. I won’t even say anything to Kess unless you want me to.”
“Thank you so much.”
“So . . . Did you still want to go shopping or . . .?”
“I think I’m too out of sorts for the general public. Do you mind a rain check?”
“Not at all. And I’m here if you need to talk. Feel free to come over. We can go swimming, whatever.”
“Thanks, Rowds. I appreciate it.”
We hugged and Rowdy left. I then sat down on the bed, reliving how Kit talked to me, how his hands felt on my body before everything got turned on its head. In the moment, as nervous as he was, he still knew what he wanted. He was so brave, and I wonder if maybe he needed to be reminded of that.
Looking around the tiny cabin, I also wondered if, even though I didn’t want to be with people, maybe I did need to get out and about. Both Rowdy and Woody got a lot out of staying out in this tiny cabin, but to be honest, I was feeling a little claustrophobic in here.
Some animal of some kind sounded off in the near distance, and it set my teeth on edge. I needed to be somewhere else. Maybe a ride in the car would do the trick.
Maybe I’ll stay in Austin for the night, get my head on straight.
I packed a small overnight bag with comfy clothes and my favorite skincare routine. After shooting off a quick text to Rowdy to let him know where I was going, I tossed the bag in the backseat, got into Betsy, and started driving. When I reached the highway, the big city suddenly didn’t feel right. Instead of turning right toward Austin, I went left. Driving down the Devil’s Backbone, I floored it past the entrance to the dude ranch, then took the long winding road around Canyon Lake, letting the hills and the water settle in my soul.
After a while, I ended up near Gruene. It’d been a hot minute since I’d been to the little river towns in this area, so I got out and did a little shopping, then had some dinner. The foot traffic surprised me, though I was glad to see the commerce come here, even if it meant the secret was out on this tiny, quaint town.
As much as I thought of myself as a city boy, one of my favorite aspects of this new adventure in the Hill Country were the long drives between appointments in barely-there towns, seeing the gorgeous countryside, having a moment of quiet to myself, and space to let the thoughts land where they needed to.
It occurred to me that somebody who’d grown up between the major metropolitan areas, someone who wasn’t used to the hustle and bustle of the city, might prefer to give more consideration to their decisions, rather than being rushed. Being confronted with a new element of one’s reality probably took extra time to process.
As much as I wished Kit could just roll with it, I understood it. Even respected it.
Determined to stay out of my head until I knew where Kit was with all of this, I tried to focus on Gruene’s cute shopping district. I was doing pretty well until I passed a leather goods shop and was immediately reminded of Kit’s leather-and-outdoors scent. Running my fingers over the high-end price tags, it occurred to me that—even though he’d never admit it—Kit might take one look at my history and think I was somebody who was looking for a well-to-do rancher.
I tried not to hurt myself with my own thoughts, especially since I knew within the depths of my soul I’d never use someone in that way. Sugar daddies and sugar babies knew what was going on, and nobody was being used. In the end, it wasn’t a good scenario for me, but this thing between me and Kit was, as Rowdy pointed out, entire galaxies away from what I had with guys like Rich.
Maybe I need to make that clear to Kit.
I blinked out of my haze, realizing that it had grown dark. More importantly, I didn’t want to return to the cabin to stare at those four walls. I pulled out my phone and did a quick search for rentals in the area. Right off the shopping district was a darling little hotel with a unique setup. The property had an older house that’d been converted into a main office, along with a series of tiny homes set up as a sort of vacation community. There was a shared cooking space and fire pit, and every tiny house had a small front porch, complete with rocking chairs.
I walked into the main office to see if they had any availability, and my jaw dropped.
“Major?”
The sweet bear who’d been my safe hookup between sugar daddies was wearing a T-shirt with his plumbing company’s logo on it and was typing something up on an iPad.
Major lifted his head, and his eyes widened as he sent me a broad smile. “Skylar? Good God, it’s been ages. How the hell are you?” he said, opening his arms to me.
Unlike Rich, Major and I had parted amicably after he realized he had serious feelings for a friend. We’d caught up a while back, and it’d been one helluva an update. He’d married the friend, Ren, an older man who was both the widower of Major’s high school shop teacher and the father of a man older than Major.
Scandalous , as Sam would say.
Ren was Japanese American, and Major was super cute when he’d talked about how Ren’s son and son-in-law had adopted a little boy who’d come to the States from Japan. The kid loved talking to his “jiji Ren” in their mother tongue and got a kick out of helping Major learn the language.
“Oh my God—you are the youngest grandpa I’ve ever met!”
“Never call me that.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I walked into Major’s warm embrace.
“I’m . . . I’m good. Well. Good-ish,” I said, sniffling.
“Hey,” he said, releasing me to dip down and look into my eyes. “Are you in trouble?”
“Oh, no. Nothing like that. Just still out here getting my heart broken.”
He looked at his iPad, then back at me. “I’m about to finish up here and head over to Gruene Hall to meet up with my husband and our friends. Do you need to be alone, or would you like to join us?”
I ran my hand through my hair, balancing the need to sleep with the need to get out of my own head. In the end, curiosity won over sleep. I had to meet this friend group Major loved so much.
“Um, sure. Let me see if I can book a room first.”
“Perfect. I need to finalize this invoice and then was gonna change. See you in a few?”
“Yeah. That sounds good.”
I stepped up to the gal with the teal hair and the tattoos—surprising, in a town like this—and apologized for not having a reservation.
“No worries, hon. We do have one tiny house left, but it’s the smallest one.”
“If you knew where I was living, you’d know how little that means to me.”
She laughed and took my credit card, then gave me the code to my place. Major waved as I left to re-park and put my things away.
The tiny house in question was a little bigger than the cabin and had a beautiful, eclectic vibe with high ceilings and a lovely fireplace. Also, the bathroom was enormous. After setting my things out, I realized that, while Woody’s old cabin was a good place to stay in the interim, I definitely needed to move on as soon as my business was solvent.
By the time I made it back to the office, Major had changed and was standing there, towering over a trim, strikingly handsome man with intelligent eyes, gorgeous cheek bones, and lush black and silver hair.
“Skylar, this is my husband, Ren. Don’t worry, he knows all about our history.”
I grimaced, not sure how to take that, but Ren sent me a warm smile. “None of the specific details, though I believe there was something about a widow’s robe?”
Major went red, and I laughed, draping my manicure across my chest. “I do love a dramatic moment.”
Ren held his hand out to me. “Then I think we’ll get along just fine.”
I squeezed his hand and joined them on the short walk over to Gruene Hall.
“Is that a priest’s collar?” I asked Ren, pointing to the heavily tattooed guy Major was hugging.
Ren laughed. “It is. And that handsome man standing next to him is my son.”
“Oh. They got married in a big group wedding thing with you and Major, right?”
His proud smile could light up this small town. “Yep.”
My hand went to my chest, this time far less dramatically. As happy as it made me to be surrounded by so many queer couples, they served as a reminder of how far removed I was from what they had, creating an ache down in my very core.
“You okay?” Ren asked, putting his hand on my arm. “Major said some asshole had broken your heart?”
“Oh, uh . . .” I turned to the side, wiping a few tears. “Kit—the heartbreaker—is a good man. But he’s straight, or thought he was.” I threw my hands up and let the tears fall. “Until he met me.”
Ren gave me a respectful once over. “I can see how that would happen.”
I laughed and wiped more tears as he gestured to the rowdy group of friends. “Look at how much these men love their husbands.”
I took in each couple—obvious by their closeness—and saw what he saw. So much affection and passion. “The dream,” I murmured.
“Yes, but before the dream is often the nightmare.” Ren smiled sadly as his eyes returned to the happy group. “Not a single one of them had it easy. My son lost his father right as he was falling in love. A few of his friends lost their families because of who they fell in love with. Hen almost lost his life.”
“Sounds like they really had to fight for what they have.”
“We all did.” He shrugged. “So, maybe—if this man is truly good, and someone you want to be with—then perhaps it’s possible to love him through the hard part.”
I swallowed, my voice caught in my throat. I could only nod at his hopeful words.
Ren straightened his shoulders, then offered me his elbow. “Okay, enough of that. Let’s enjoy our evening, shall we?”
I sniffed, then wrapped my elbow around his. “You understand I’ll need a selfie with Hendrix Cavanaugh for my socials, right?”
“Oh, Hen’ll love that.”
I hadn’t realized Hen, as his friends called him, was going to play with his band. In the end, I was glad I’d pushed through the exhaustion, and by the time we were done, I had a few more friends.
Major and Ren walked me back to my rental, and I got another of Major’s healing hugs before I let myself in and crawled into bed. The crisp sheets and the soft pillows felt like heaven, and I fell asleep within minutes.
I woke up more refreshed than I’ve been in a while, still smiling about the fun I had last night. While I’d never been ashamed about being a sugar baby, I’d allowed the lifestyle to become all-encompassing, and as a result hadn’t had many genuine friendships. Between the visit to Rebel Sky and last night, I’d made more friendly acquaintances in the last twenty-four hours than I had in the last five years.
I still didn’t know how to hold joy in one hand and uncertainty in the other, but I was willing to try.
I got up and took a shower, needing to set aside my brain for a moment. After changing into my comfy clothes, I stepped outside. This property was such a smart concept, especially on a gorgeous morning like today. A few folks were out, either around the community fireplace, or sipping coffee on their tiny front porches, and it was lovely. As I stretched, my foot nudged against something and I looked down. Huh. They’d delivered the breakfast basket, even though I’d declined that option to save on cash.
Peeking inside, I wished I could enjoy the homemade drop biscuits and fresh squeezed orange juice, but money was money, and I didn’t want to be charged for this. I went inside and called the office.
“This is Claire. How can I help you?”
“Hi, Claire. This is Skylar Whitmore in room 102. I got the fancy breakfast basket, even though I hadn’t ordered it.”
“You’re friends with Mr. Baker, are you not, Mr. Whitmore?”
“Kit Baker?”
“Yes. He owns this property.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize . . .”
“Mr. Baker likes to take care of his friends. He wanted us to make sure you were set up with breakfast and also asked us to comp your stay.”
I looked outside the window at the charming property and found myself completely unsurprised that this place was Kit’s brainchild.
“Well, this is a wonderful surprise. I hadn’t meant to take advantage . . .”
“Oh, no, Mr. Whitmore. Mr. Baker does this all the time.”
“Thank you so much, Claire. I’ll have to let him know how much I love it out here.”
“We would appreciate it. Enjoy your breakfast, Mr. Whitmore.”
I put down the phone and rubbed my forehead. I knew Kit had vacation rentals, but I didn’t know he owned an entire hotel property. Switching to my cell phone, I hit Kit’s number as I stepped outside and grabbed the basket.
“Hey, Sky,” he said, his voice still uneven.
“Well, hey there, cowboy. Somebody bought me breakfast. And paid for my hotel room.”
“I didn’t pay for it, Sky. I just didn’t charge you. And I wanted to make sure you had something good to eat this morning.”
“How did you know I was staying here?”
“I always check the guest logs at the end of the night. Saw your name, figured there weren’t too many Skylar Whitmores who would be staying in Gruene, Texas. Got a little worried that maybe I’d chased you out of town.”
I huffed out a laugh. “No, I went on a long drive yesterday afternoon and ended up here. Ran into an old friend from Seguin. Made some new ones.”
The silence on the line was heavy.
“I’m sorry if I?—”
“Nothing to apologize for,” I said, quick to cut him off. “I just . . . It’s important to me you understand that, while I really appreciate the free night, I never expect anything like that from you.”
More silence.
“Kit? Did you think I was trying to make you my new sugar daddy?” I asked, crossing my fingers.
More silence, followed by, “I was pretty sure that wasn’t the case, but my brain went in a bunch of pretty bad directions yesterday, so . . .”
Ouch.
“But then I realized I know you,” he added quickly, “and that’s not what this was about.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes. And I’m sorry my head went there even for a second. I was so out of it yesterday.”
“And how are you today?”
“Still a little queasy, if I’m bein’ honest. But the ground feels a lot more stable.”
It was my turn to go quiet.
“I should clarify that nothing we did made me feel queasy,” he tacked on. “I don’t regret what we did, Sky. Hell, I initiated it.”
“So did I, Kit.”
“I was grateful you asked me inside—I might not have had the nerve to invite myself.”
“If you’d have been too nervous to ask to come in, maybe I shouldn’t have been so forward,” I said, doubt creeping in again.
“No, you weren’t too forward. I promise, I enjoyed what we did together, even if you’d be well within your rights to not believe me. I’m just trying to figure out what it all means.”
“Then I should leave you to it, Kit.”
These long silence between us were killing me.
“Thank you, Skylar,” he finally said. “Stay another night if you’d like.”
I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me. “That’s okay. I’ve got shit to do and a business run. But thanks for comping my stay.”
“You’re welcome. Anything you want, Sky, you know you can just ask.”
“I do, Kit. But I’m starting a new chapter, and I don’t want to need anything from anyone else.”
“I hear you.”
We hung up. In the ensuing silence, I admitted to myself that, despite Ren’s advice, I couldn’t be sure about someone who thought, even for a moment, that I was capable of using him.
While it was true that I didn’t technically need another person to be alive and happy, I did very much want someone in my life who could fully embrace all of me—specifically my queerness and my desire to stand on my own two feet.
And Kit Baker, it seemed, was not that man.