17. Kit
17
KIT
“Dad,” chirped the—and I might have been reading into things here—disappointed British voice. “Your knee. You don’t need to carry heavy things. Me, Mom, and McKenzie have it covered.”
I waved him off, setting the last of the boxes in the small, updated kitchenette. “My son is moving into his first apartment. I’m getting the damned MRI next week, so I’m here and I’m going to help.”
“We’re exactly fifty feet away from Mom and Brandy’s house,” he pointed out. “We don’t really need your help.”
“Ouch.”
Despite Reed’s protests, the four of us got a lot accomplished, even though everyone colluded to prevent me from lifting anything over ten pounds. With his things more or less in place, we gathered in my son’s tiny living room. Cynthia had her Notes app up and was making a list of the basic items he still needed while Reed pulled McKenzie into an affectionate hug.
That was going to take some getting used to.
I’d perhaps catastrophized this move, but the barn was about the same distance from either house, and this really was a nice space for him to explore his independence.
Reed and McKenzie started kissing as Cyn and I reviewed her list and split up what we’d take care of.
A few minutes later, the digital voice piped up. “Mom. Dad. Can you go now?”
“We’re almost done,” Cyn answered, still occupied by the list making. “Is something wrong?”
He started typing out a determined staccato, which got our attention.
“McKenzie and I would like to have sex now.”
McKenzie clapped enthusiastically. “Yes, please.”
My jaw dropped. They were having sex? Who let that happen? I turned to Cynthia, who’d turned a bright red.
“Um, yes. Of course,” she said, putting away her phone. “You deserve your private time.”
“Wait. We’re letting this happen?” I asked, incredulous.
“We started having sex six months ago. Why did you think I wanted the apartment so bad?”
His artificial British voice was starting to grate on whatever nerve was making my right eyeball twitch.
Cynthia took one look at me, hooked her elbow around mine, and walked me to the door. I brought us to a halt, asking over my shoulder, “What about protection? You don’t want McKenzie to get pregnant.”
McKenzie grinned, then did one of her verbalizations, like a purr-chirp. “My mother already gave us condoms.”
Great.
I mean, yes, him being sexually— herk —responsible was objectively— oh, God —a good thing. And I’m sure I’d be okay with it.
Eventually.
Reed, meanwhile, had been typing furiously. “Mom already gave me the talk. I have all the supplies. Condom, lube, toys.”
I freed myself from Cynthia’s death grip and held up both hands. “I don’t want to know the details.”
A flurry of fingers against the iPad. “Prude.”
Cynthia snorted into her fist. I hit her with a glare, and she recaptured my arm and dragged me out the door.
“Careful,” I snapped, gesturing at my knee.
She grimaced and immediately slowed up. With her arm still firmly wrapped around mine—as if to prevent me from going back and physically stopping them from having sex—we carefully made our way down the stairs to the first floor of the barn.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice dripping with snark as she steered me outside. “I forgot about the knee that you keep on ignoring.”
“Stop busting my balls about the knee, Cyn, and tell me exactly how long you’ve known they’ve been having sex.”
“Well, about six months ago, he approached me and said they were ready to be intimate with one another, and he wanted to know what to do.”
“Why didn’t he come to me? And why didn’t you tell me this was happening?”
She paused in the sunshine, putting a hand on her hip while arching her brow at me. “Gee. I can’t imagine why Reed didn’t feel comfortable coming to you about sex,” she said, imitating my supposed growly voice.
“It’s taken me months to get used to the fact that he wants to live in the apartment. How the hell am I supposed to be okay with him having sex?”
“He’s an adult, Kit,” she reminded me patiently. “He’s old enough to drink, and now he wants to have sex. And you need to stop acting like he can’t make this kind of decision on his own. Yes, his emotional regulation requires constant work on his part, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He was a smart boy who’s now become a smart man. It’s easy to forget that when you see his daily struggles. But this part is true, too.”
“I know .” I hung my head as we stepped onto the path between our houses. “I do know that. It’s just . . . who the hell gave him permission to grow up?”
“I agree; it’s rude,” she said, still teasing me. “Especially since you and I haven’t aged a day since his birth.”
“Damn skippy,” I said, smiling in spite of myself.
Cynthia bumped my shoulder as we continued walking. “So. You gonna tell me what’s going on, or do I hafta guess?”
I drew my chin back. “What do you mean? Pretty sure helping my son move into his first apartment was plenty.”
She shook her head. “This is a good day, Kit. A very good day. Our son is happy, he’s hitting milestones we never thought he’d ever be able to hit. He’s worked really hard to be as independent as possible, and he’s having sex right now. All in all, a banner moment for our combined families.”
She waited and I eventually—begrudgingly—nodded in agreement.
“Meanwhile, you look like somebody pissed in your Cheerios. And it’s not about the move or the fact that our son is sexually active. You’ve been a mess this entire week.”
I cursed under my breath. Cynthia and I got married right before Reed was born, which meant she knew me better than anyone else on the planet. And, knowing her as I did, I was well aware of the fact that she was not going to let this go.
“Kit?”
Fine.
She was probably a good person to talk to, come to think of it.
“Don’t look too much into this because . . . just don’t look into it too much, okay?”
“Okay . . .”
“I’m interested in someone.”
“Ooh, is this the mystery you were being coy about the other day?”
“Maybe. And the whole thing’s got me in a bit of a spin.”
The stitch of her eyebrows was nearly comical. “You? In a spin? I don’t . . . I don’t think I can even picture that.”
“Shut up.”
“I swear, I’m not teasing you about this. I mean . . . what the hell, Kit? Does she have a magic pussy or something?”
I let out an aggravated sigh. I could get away with using gender neutral language around some people, but not Cynthia.
“Well, it might help you to know that she is a he .”
I walked a few more feet before realizing she stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk between our houses.
“Cyn?”
“You’re seeing a man?”
I adjusted my hat. “ Seeing might be overselling it. Got intimate with . . . now that’s a different story.”
“Holy. Shit .”
“Cynthia, please. I beg you. I don’t . . .” I ran my hand through my hair, hating how vulnerable this all felt. “I don’t need this right now.”
She held up her hands, genuine kindness and concern in her eyes. “I’m not making fun of you, I promise. It’s just . . . we’ve talked about how guilty I felt about coming out to you and finding someone to love.”
“I know. I never?—”
“I know you never,” she said, talking over me. “You have always been the perfect ex-husband. But I knew you were hurting. And I am so fucking beyond ecstatic that you’re interested in someone. Truly.” She gave me her most mischievous smile. “I may need a second to process that you’re interested in a guy, though.”
I laughed through my nose. “You and me both.”
She took my arm again, and we strolled down the sidewalk.
“It’s that pretty ortho, isn’t it?” she asked.
“Yep,” I answered, not one wit surprised she’d guessed correctly. “Skylar.”
“Did you ever suspect you . . .”
I took off my hat, running my arm across my forehead. “Never. Not even once. Never kissed another man before. Never had time for that.”
She peered into my eyes, reading my soul like she always could. “But you liked it?”
“Yes.” I tapped my hat against my chest. “A lot.”
“Then why do you sound like you’re about to go to a funeral?”
“Well . . .” I smoothed my hair back and replaced the hat on top of my head. “I guess I’m having what you’d call an existential crisis.”
“Like when you have sex with someone of the same sex for the first time and then don’t know who the fuck you are afterward?” she asked, gently reminding me she’d experienced something similar.
“Yeah.” I scratched my brow, laughing at myself. “Sky helped me through it, though.”
“That’s good, right?”
“Woulda been better if Rowdy hadn’t walked in thirty seconds later.”
She made her oh, shit face. Which . . . yeah.
“Do you think he knew what he’d walked in on?”
“Well, since we were kissing while Skylar was wrapped in a sheet, I’m pretty sure he knew the score more or less immediately.”
“Oh, Christopher ,” she said, one of three people who’d ever used my given name. “I mean, Rowdy’s a good man, but . . . still. You should’ve been able to explore this privately.”
“That . . .” I sighed. “That’d’a been ideal. But I asked Skylar to tell him not to tell anyone.”
“I’m sure Rowdy would’ve kept it to himself anyway, but I’m equally sure Skylar doesn’t judge you for wanting to keep this private. At least for now.”
This is where I had to admit what a coward I was.
“He didn’t judge me, but I know I hurt his feelings.”
“You have never once intentionally hurt someone’s feelings, Kit.”
“Well . . .” I took off my hat again, fidgeting with it in my hands. “Sky has an interesting history, one that is his own business to tell, and some of what I said made him think I was judging him.”
“Were you? Judging him, that is?”
I shook my head, then replaced my hat. Then gave her the so-so gesture. She raised her brows at me.
“I didn’t do it intentionally, Cyn. But I was in a cold sweat for a second there, and not all of my thoughts were charitable. And now I feel like an absolute asshole.”
“Hm.” She went quiet, thoughtful. “How long have we known each other? Since we were fifteen?”
“Yeah . . .”
“Believe me when I say you are not an asshole. For one, I wouldn’t have married an asshole, even at nineteen and with my family history. Second, when you care for someone, you’re relentless on their behalf.”
I flushed at her compliment. While I no longer pined for Cynthia, I wanted her approval, especially as a father. She wasn’t done with the compliments, though.
“When we didn’t know what was happening with Reed, you were a dog with a bone until we got his diagnosis. More than that, you made sure he had everything he ever needed, and that he had the kind of teachers who wouldn’t allow him to languish in their classrooms. Hell, Kit. You weren’t even twenty-five and there you were, setting up parent-teacher conferences and reading books by Temple Grandin and Steven Silberman while running a business.”
“What was I going to do, abandon my boy to the system?”
“Of course not. But it’s not just that. You were hurt when I came out, yet you accepted me where I was, and continued to be an excellent father to our son. And the way you treat Brandy . . .” She raised her shoulders. “I don’t think I could have asked for a better person in my life than you, Kit.”
I was cringing at her kind words, but there was a truth I couldn’t ignore. Even if you were a good person, at some point you’re gonna be the villain in someone else’s story.
“I don’t know if Skylar would agree with you.”
“Please. There’s no way a little panic would scare him off. He has to see the kind of man you are.”
Her words gave me solace, but I wasn’t sure if I totally believed her.
“I wish I’d been able to keep my wits about me. I cried.”
Her eyebrows met again. “You? Cried?”
“It was like all of a sudden everything I ever thought I knew—like really knew —about myself was a lie. I lost all sense of gravity and direction.”
“I can see how that would get you to spinning.”
“Worse, I don’t know if this was serious for him or what. So, now I’m all turned upside down and shaken out for what might amount to a hookup. And the thought that this might not be all that serious for him? Makes me want to vomit.”
She gave me a half-hug. “Yeah. You’re not a hook-up guy.”
“Considering that you and him are the only people I’ve ever slept with, no.”
She let go of me and it was all I could do to hold her incredulous look.
“You haven’t been with anyone since we broke up?”
I toed the concrete. “No. I mean . . . I wanted to. Really wanted to, actually. But I don’t like that kind of sex.”
“So then . . . if you were willing to kiss him and have sex with him, then you must also be in a real twist about what it’s like to fall for a guy.”
Yep. Right into my goddamned soul.
“Of course I’m in a fucking twist about that!”
She thinned her lips, and I cursed under my breath.
“I don’t even know what my life would look like with another man in it, Cyn. I mean, am I gay now? Look at me.” I gestured to myself. “I’d get laughed right out of a gay bar.”
She clamped a hand over her mouth, her eyes glittering with amusement.
“Don’t you go makin’ fun of me.”
“I won’t. Promise. I’m just . . . the gays love their cowboys. C’mon. There’s a whole Willie Nelson song about it and everything.”
“There is?”
“Yeah. I’ll send you the link.”
“And you think those fellas wouldn’t assume I’m there to commit a hate crime?”
“They might test you out to make sure, but no. Besides? Don’t you know, like, I dunno, half a dozen queer cowboys out here? Why would you be any different?”
“More like a full dozen,” I answered, laughing to myself.
“Then you know it’s not unusual. That you’re not a freak. That it’s not ridiculous for a guy with your background to fall for a man. It happens all the time . This place is lousy with folks who are anything but straight.”
“You’re not wrong.”
“Damn right I’m not wrong. But, since you already know the score, what are you really worried about?”
And didn’t that question get right to the heart of the matter?
“What if it doesn’t work out with me and Skylar?” I blurted out. “Are all my friends going to think I was just . . .? I don’t know what to call it.”
“Going on a trial run?”
“Yeah. Like I’m not taking it seriously.”
“ Christopher .” She put her hand on her hip and pursed her lips. “Anyone who knows you for more than five minutes knows you’re not the kind of guy to go playing with somebody’s heart out of curiosity.”
I guess the one thing that was good about her knowing me so well was that she could remind me who I was. Inside.
“Kit, let me ask you this. Are you scared?”
I nodded, feeling the tears build up behind my eyes again. “Terrified.”
“What’s the element of this that terrifies you the most?”
“Well, I guess it’s kinda already happened—that someone would find out before I was ready to talk about it. I can’t even put the words together yet, and I don’t want somebody asking me questions when I don’t even know the answers myself.”
“I see,” she said, encouraging me to continue.
“But Skylar is not somebody you can hide, and I have no poker face when it comes to that man. If we’re together, people will know right away.”
“And that’s what you want, though, right? To be together with him?”
I let my head tilt back, closing my eyes against the bright sky, watching the orange and red and yellow behind my eyelids. “I think . . . yes? I definitely want to explore it with him.”
“Would you be embarrassed to explore that with him?”
I sat with her question for a moment. “No. I don’t think so. I’m a private person, though. And I don’t know how to be . . . this. I don’t even have the words for it yet.”
“I remember, as far back as high school, you didn’t like being caught out when you didn’t have the words.”
“Exactly. I don’t like it when people see something of mine and it’s not perfect yet. I don’t like letting people in on my work in progress.”
“Preach,” she said, holding up her fist. I bumped it, and we laughed. I was lucky to have her as a friend.
“Have you apologized to him for the freak out?”
“I did, but I don’t think it was enough. He ended up going on a drive and staying out at the property in Gruene.”
“Well, if he went to your property out there?—”
I shook my head. “He didn’t know it was mine. I only know he was there because I saw his name on the register. Comped his room and his breakfast.”
“How did he react to that?”
“He called me. Though . . . he also ran into an old friend , and who knows what the hell that means.”
She put her hands out, like she was trying to soothe a startled horse. “Let’s not drive ourselves crazy by jumping to conclusions. Especially since he called you .”
I let out a grunt. “Fine.”
“So, this call. How’d he sound?”
I mulled over my answer.
“Genuinely grateful, but cautious. Like he wanted to make sure I didn’t think he expected anything from me. And it made me realize I could hurt him if I’m not careful.”
“That’s good information. Maybe it means that you’re not the only one freaking out, especially if he has a difficult history.”
“Meanwhile, I’m this bull in a china shop, not knowing where I’m putting my damned hooves.”
She smacked my arm.
“Ouch.”
“You are not a bull in a china shop. You have always been a careful person. You would never harm somebody on purpose, and if you did hurt someone, you’d own up to it and try to do better. Why do you think Brandy likes you, even after that disastrous first meeting?”
We looked at each other and rolled our eyes. The first time I met Brandy was a doozy. I was still in the throes of my mourning over the loss of our marriage, still deeply in love with Cynthia. Brandy was a handsome, kind woman, practically the female version of me, and that’d smooth pissed me off.
My mistake was trying to hide how angry I was by acting like everything was fine. I tried to be the bigger person and invite them over for one of my steak dinners. I’d played the perfect host, and, according to Cynthia, had a deranged smile on my face the entire time. Brandy was, reasonably, a little afraid of me.
A few weeks after that disastrous dinner, once I’d gotten my bearings, I texted Brandy to see if we could meet up for coffee. She agreed, though I’m sure she was worried about what I was gonna say. Strangely enough, we’d ended up enjoying ourselves, and I’d apologized for the weirdness. She cracked up, doing a pretty bang on impression of me trying to pretend I wasn’t mad.
She’d been willing to meet me halfway through the awkward, and I couldn’t help but appreciate her effort. More importantly, the way she treated my son was as good as any parent would want.
“So, you don’t think I am a ridiculous person?”
She shook her head. “Absolutely not. You are the best man I know, and I can’t tell you the number of nights I laid awake, cursing myself because I couldn’t love you the way you deserved. I don’t know much about Skylar, other than the fact that our son loves him, and as long as he treats my best friend well, then nothing else matters.”
“Thank you. I think.”
She laughed, and hip-checked me. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me what’s going on with you. You are absolutely not ridiculous, neither in wanting to see where this could go, nor in getting overwhelmed in the moment. It’s all normal, Kit. It’s all natural. And, selfishly, I want you to fall in love again to ease up on the guilt I carry with me.”
It was my turn to stop in the middle of the sidewalk. “You don’t need to feel guilty about anything.”
“I know you say that, and I believe you feel that. But I know my leaving hurt you. Deeply. You are literally the last person on the planet I would ever want to hurt, but hurt you I did. So, if I can walk you through a little bit of existential panic and get you on your way to a happily ever after, then maybe we can both quit with the self-flagellation.”
I turned and gave my ex-wife a hug. “Ain’t got nothing to feel guilty for. This ain’t your fault. You were raised a certain way. I was raised a certain way. We were doin’ our best.”
“You remember that, then,” she said, a little weepy. “You’re not gonna do this perfectly, Kit. Sorry. But if you’re sincere, and he’s sincere, then that’s the ball game.”
“Did you really just make a ball joke?”
“Yes, I did,” she said, a little too proud of herself. She squeezed her arm around mine. “Look. Be honest about the things you’re afraid of and let it play out. If it’s meant to be, it’ll feel like . . .”
She paused, looking for the word.
“Home?” I asked, rubbing my chest.
Her smile told me I’d gotten it right in one.
“That’s a great way of putting it, Kit. Is that how you feel with Skylar? Does he feel like home?”
I caught the tear before it rolled down my cheek. “Yeah. Even though I feel like I’ve been turned upside down and shaken loose, he does.”
“There you go.”
She hugged me, and I held on for a few extra seconds. She then patted my back, and we took the split down the sidewalk, she on her way to her house, me on my way to mine.
Maybe this wasn’t such a disaster after all.