Chapter 25
Jansen
“ T hey’re coming at one o’clock. I have to go pack up his stuff.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Bianca asks.
I shake my head. “Nah, it’s fine.” It’s better she’s not there if I break into tears when they take Moose away.
I don’t even like dogs.
“You’re going to give them all his stuff?”
“Of course. What am I going to do with it?”
She bites her lip.
I rub my forehead. “Sorry,” I mutter. “I better go.”
“Could I come say goodbye to him?” Her voice is small.
I glance at her and see the sadness in her eyes. She probably loves the little dude more than I do. “Sure,” I say gruffly.
When we walk in, Moose greets us with his usual ecstasy. Bianca sits on the floor and hugs him tightly, her face pressed to his fur. “I’m going to miss you, buddy.”
The air in my lungs is burning. He’s almost like our dog. I feel as bad for Bianca as I do for myself. Maybe worse. I fucking hate seeing her sad.
When he wriggles away from her, she swipes at her cheeks.
“You okay?”
“No,” she says in a “duh” tone. “I’m sad .”
Without thinking, I reach for her hand and pull her to her feet, then wrap my arms around her. We stand like that for a few minutes, my eyes stinging, tension vibrating in my body. I just want Bianca to feel better.
Eventually we pull apart. She looks up at me, and I force a calm, reassuring smile. “It’ll be okay.”
She just gazes at me, then helps me gather up toys from every corner of the house, a big bag of dog food I just bought, and a several kinds of treats.
“These ones are his favorite.” I shake a package of soft cookies. “I’ll have to tell them that.”
We hear a car door and voices. I move to the door before they ring the bell, and Bianca scoops Moose…er, Benny, I guess…into my arms. His leash is on the table near the door.
I open the door. “Hi.”
A man and a woman stand there. The man says, “Hi. Are you Jansen?”
“That’s me.” I move to the side so they can step in. “And this is…Benny. We named him Moose, but I’m sure he’ll remember Benny.”
They walk inside.
Moose cocks his head.
The woman takes a step closer, smiling, hand outstretched. Then she stops. “That’s not Benny.”
I swear to God time stops. Totally freezes.
I stare at her.
“It’s not,” the man confirms, disappointment tugging his lips down. He peers closer at Moose. “That white on his head…this is just a spot. Benny’s white was a stripe that went all the way back.”
“The picture looked just like him,” the woman says brokenly.
My heart is thrashing in my chest like a wild animal. “It’s not your dog,” I repeat.
“No.” The woman’s eyes fill with tears. “Oh my God. I thought we’d found him.”
“I’m sorry,” I croak, not sure what else to say.
The man comforts the woman. “It’s okay, honey. We’ll keep looking.”
She sniffles. “I’m sorry. Thank you anyway.”
My head is a dry, forsaken desert. Relief has my legs feeling like overripe bananas. I don’t think I can move. “I hope you find Benny,” I manage to say as they leave. I close the door and stand there facing it, my eyes prickling, my arms tightening on Moose to the point he grunts.
I swallow and set him down. He prances to one of the bags and pulls out a toy. He has no idea what just happened.
“Hey.” Bianca takes a step toward me. “Are you okay?”
I nod and pull my lips back from my teeth in a smile. “Oh yeah. I’m just disappointed. I was going to ask them to repay me for all the vet bills.”
Her eyes widen. “Jansen!”
I shrug.
She watches me with a notch between her eyebrows. “I’m so relieved,” she says on an exhalation. “Although I do feel sorry for those folks. I hope they find their dog.”
“Yeah.” I walk past her toward the kitchen. “Better get back to work. Come on. We have grapes to crush.”
She stops me with a hand on my arm. “Are you sure you’re okay?” She moves closer and lays her hand on my chest. It feels…so good. So good. “It’s okay to feel relieved. I know those people are disappointed, but you can feel bad for them and happy for yourself at the same time.”
I smile. “I’m fine. I’ll keep the little guy a while longer.”
“Jansen.” She shakes her head. “Talk to me.”
His forehead bunches low. “About what?”
“About how you’re feeling. About Moose.”
I study her beautiful face. She looks at me across the counter, her warm brown eyes steady and brimming with…something.
Apprehension? Worry? Pity?
“Talk to me,” she says softly. “Please, Jansen.” She pauses. “I love you.”
Her words crash over me. My throat goes dry. And yet, I’m not surprised. Words bounce around in my head for about an hour. My heart goes feral in my chest and I feel an urge to run, adrenaline flooding my veins. Finally, all I can say is, “But you’re leaving.”
She closes her eyes briefly, as if that hurts. And nods.
No. That can’t happen.
But what can I do? My head feels stuffed with wool. I can’t think.
Then the scariest thought of all jumps into my head. The riskiest thing. Opening myself wide to rejection. “What if…what if I asked you to stay?”
Her eyes fly open. She stares at me, then inhales a shaky breath. “Jansen.”
My heart is a fist punching inside my chest. I don’t look away. “I know this isn’t what you planned. But you could stay.”
“You…” She stops. Her throat works. “Why?”
I frown. “Why?”
“Why do you want me to stay?”
I gaze back at her. “I…” Jesus. I feel like I’m back on that Ferris wheel with my stomach swooping on the up swing. I want to throw myself at her feet and hold onto her and never let her go. I’ve never had this feeling before. I’m terrified.
I won’t beg her to stay. My lips feel numb as I manage to say, “I don’t want you to leave.”
Her eyes flatten and she presses trembling lips together, nodding. For a long moment she gazes at me and I feel it like a knife gutting me. “I can’t stay.”
My heart drops, right to the soles of my feet.
She pulls in a breath and lifts her chin, giving me a mouth-only smile. “I have that award happening. Maybe a promotion, a raise. Wines to work on. I can be myself there.” She gives a firm nod.
She said she loves me. That filled me with exhilaration and exultation, and yeah, okay, panic. Desperation to keep her here. I asked her to stay.
She doesn’t love me enough to stay.
“I think I’ll leave this weekend,” she says calmly. “You have interviews for winemakers next week. Things are pretty solid here.”
I don’t even nod, just watch her face with my chest squeezing so hard I can’t breathe. I watch her stand and move to the door. Watch her leave.
My heart lodges in my throat, throbbing, stopping my breath. I’m stiff, frozen in place. As if he knows, Moose comes over and puts his front paws on my leg, staring at me.
Like with him, I have to let Bianca go, if that’s what she wants.