Chapter 26
Bianca
“ I ’m a woman. I have needs.” I beckon. “Pass me the wine.”
Ana picks up the bottle of zinfandel. “Empty.”
“We need more.”
“I’ll get it.” Millie rises and heads to Ana’s little kitchen.
We’re sitting in Ana’s living room in her townhouse condo in Napa. It’s an older complex but she’s made her little place cute with funky furniture and art. I’m snuggled into one end of the putty-colored sectional with squishy cushions. Ana’s at the other end. Millie returns with a bottle of merlot and sits on the fringed pouf next to the low table, which is an old farm table with the legs cut down.
Millie pours more wine into my glass. “Okay, tell us what’s going on.”
I sigh. “The other night when we went to the harvest dinner at Belmonte, I found out that the reason Jansen got divorced was because his wife cheated on him.”
Ana gives me an and…? look.
“He didn’t tell me that himself. He told my cousins.”
“Oh.”
“Ohhh,” Millie says.
“Yeah.” My heart weighs about a hundred pounds. “He told me about the divorce, but he didn’t tell me that. And then he just blurted it out to strangers. So…I asked him why he didn’t tell me, and he said it’s not important.”
They both wrinkle their noses.
“But I felt like…I wasn’t good enough for him to open up to. I’ve told him so many things…about Papa dying, Mama leaving. Our crazy family. And I realized that he hasn’t really told me a lot about himself. I mean, basics, of course. I tried to get him talk to me and it didn’t go so well. It was after we discovered that Moose isn’t Benny.”
“I was so relieved about that!” Ana says.
“I know, me too! But Jansen was…weird about it. Like he didn’t care. But I know he loves that dog.” I pause. “He never really talks about his feelings.”
“Lots of guys are like that,” Millie says with a sigh.
“But Miles tells you he loves you, right?”
“Oh yeah.”
I nod, bowing my head. “I told Jansen I’m in love with him.”
They both make small noises.
“And then…he asked me to stay.”
“Aaaah!” Millie bounces in her seat. “So what’s the problem?”
“He didn’t say he loves me.” I press my lips together and rub the knuckle of my index finger at the outer corner of my eye. “I even asked him why he wanted me to stay. And he just s-said…he said he doesn’t want me to leave.”
They both gaze back at me with distressed expressions. “After you said the L word to him.”
“Yeah.” I nod miserably. “So I told him I’m leaving this weekend. I’ve booked a flight.”
“Whaaaat!” They both shout the word at the same time.
“Bee! You can’t!” Ana says.
I give them a frustrated look. “I didn’t come home to stay here. And now I’ve been nominated for that award, I really have to go back."
“You won’t get the award if you don’t go back?” Millie’s brow furrows.
“No, that’s not it. I feel like I owe them. Especially Milenko. And he’s given me so much. The chance to make amazing wines like the cabernet franc, wines that are recognized globally.” I drink more wine. “It’s the chance to be someone. Not just a Martinelli relying on the Lambertis.”
“That is not the case,” Millie says firmly. “At least, not anymore. Your grandma left you the winery. She obviously had faith in you.”
“She gave you the chance to ‘be’ someone…” Ana adds. “ Here .”
I let those words sink in. “True. But…I can’t stay. I told Jansen I’m in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same. That’s beyond awkward.”
“Wow.” Millie shakes her head. “I would have sworn Jansen feels the same about you.”
“Me, too,” Ana says. “The way you two look at each other. Touch each other. It’s absolutely adorable.”
I suck my bottom lip. “Really?”
“Oh yeah,” Millie confirms. “And Miles says when they run, Jansen doesn’t stop talking about you. He’s crazy about you.”
I shake my head sadly. “No.”
“I think Jansen has faith in you.” Millie tilts her head. “He trusts you to make wine from his grapes.”
“Yes. He does. He’s never questioned me.” My heart contracts painfully. I do love him.
“Don’t do it again,” Ana says, her voice soft as velvet. “Don’t put distance between you and him to protect yourself. Don’t let your stubbornness come between you two.”
“What?” I frown at her.
“I know how it affected you when your mom left,” Ana says quietly.
They were my best friends when that happened; they know exactly what I went through. They stuck with me through my self-pity and existential crisis. And that’s why I love them. They’re the only two people I’ve ever let close. I will love them and be grateful to them and loyal to them forever because of that.
“You never let people get that close to you,” she continues. “Not even Mark. When we graduated, you just said good-bye to him like it was no big deal.”
“Yes. Because it was no big deal. And I did the same with Tomás in Mendoza.”
“We know losing your parents at such a young age was hard. I think it’s colored everything in your life since then. You expect people to leave you. You don’t let them close because of that. When things get tough, you shut down and create distance.”
I stare at her, my chest tight. “Gee, thanks.” Then I bow my head. “You’re right. Leaving here was creating the ultimate distance.”
“It also made you strong and independent,” Ana says. “Hard working. And empathetic and kind.”
“Thank you.” My smile feels lopsided. “It also made me resentful and stubborn. I know that. Since I’ve been back, I’m realizing I don’t want that to be who I am. I want to be positive. I don’t want all those old hurts to come between me and people I love. I want to trust people. I thought I was being so brave to tell Jansen how I feel.”
“You were,” Ana says.
“You said you’ve tried to put that resentment behind you and move forward. But I think…” Millie hesitates. “Maybe you’re still using that as a reason to leave?”
I stare at her, then at Ana. I lean my head back against the couch. “I want to cry.”
“I’m sorry,” Millie says quickly.
“No, no! I want to cry because…” My throat thickens and I swallow. “Because you might be right.” I hold up my glass of wine. “In vino veritas.”
They both laugh softly.
“‘Wine brings to light the hidden secrets of the soul,’” Ana recites. “‘Gives being to our hopes, bids the coward flight, drives dull care away, and teaches new means for the accomplishment of our wishes.’”
“Horace,” I murmur. “I’ve always loved that.” I hold up my glass to study the garnet liquid, replaying the lines.
Wow. Those words are…powerful.
And teaches new means for the accomplishment of our wishes.
Maybe I need to think about that.
“For what it’s worth—we’d love it if you stay here, too,” Millie says.
Ana nods. “It’s been so great having you back here.”
They want me to stay, too. At least I know they love me.