35. Kaitlyn
35
KAITLYN
“ C an you please turn the TV off?” I asked Cassie, pointing to the giant set on the wall across from where we were sitting. “It’s distracting.”
We were curled up on the giant khaki sectional in Cassie and Scott’s new place, catching up on her honeymoon to Fiji and every other life detail that popped into our heads. It had been too long since we’d had a chance to hang out, and I was loving it even though my heart was still heavy. I tried to focus on the fact that my sister’s life was currently perfect. She was my inspiration, my hope that maybe everything could work out for me too, someday.
Cassie shook her head. “Nope. We need to watch the next show.”
“Cassie, I’m not in the mood for housewives, or chefs, or horny singles on an island.”
“I promise you that it’s none of the above. Trust me.”
I tried to imagine what could have her prioritizing TV over talking to each other. Based on her expression, it had to be something worthwhile.
“Our photographer said the pictures will be ready next week. I’m so excited!” Cassie clapped her hands.
“I guarantee mine are better,” I said, shooting her a sideways glance. “I mean, how can you top a shot of Nia in the middle of the dancefloor in a split downing champagne straight from the bottle?”
Cassie laughed. “We got wild, didn’t we?”
“Or the one of Scott giving you a lap dance?”
She hid her face behind her hands. “Please don’t remind me.” I chuckled along with her, then frowned when she asked me, “So, have you spoken with James while I was gone?”
“Uh. No.” That was a rapid shift in conversation. I looked at my sister who was chewing her lip. “Why?”
“He hasn’t tried to get in contact with you? To apologize? Nothing?”
Wincing, I smoothed out the fabric of my shirt. I guess we were talking about this. “He’s called but I set his number on do not disturb.”
“Oh my God, Katie! Why? Maybe he was calling to grovel an apology?”
Shaking my head, I laughed, knowing it sounded more like a sob. “After the way he treated me, I’m not interested. It’s too little, too late.”
My sister turned to give me her full attention. “Okay, I get why you’re upset, I do. But once everything was out in the open, don’t you think you should have heard him out?”
Wrapping my arms around my torso, I hugged my body. “I have thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. He really hurt me and I’m going to need time.”
“But you do plan to talk to him?”
I sighed. I knew I should talk to him. For nothing else, then to get some closure.
The theme song for a popular interview program came on and Cassie dove for the remote. “It’s on, here it is!” She increased the volume until sound filled the room. “Watch!” She karate-chopped me in the arm.
“Ouch!” I was about to punch her back when I heard the voice.
His voice. James was actually sitting for an interview. Something he never did.
I straightened, shocked.
I couldn’t make out the words at first, but the deep timbre was unmistakable. It shook me to my core seeing his gorgeous face splashed across the screen. I remembered every centimeter of it, which was exactly why I’d been avoiding him. The teaser for the show ended, and it went to a commercial.
“You knew about this?” I gasped to Cassie.
She nodded. “Yup. And I had a feeling you’d boycott it if I told you in advance.”
“Cassie, no!” I moaned. “Why are you making me watch this? To torture me?”
“You’re the one avoiding him. There’s unfinished business between you two, and maybe this interview will help you sort it out. At the very least, maybe you’ll be more open to talking to him. Can’t hurt.”
My sister clearly had no idea that seeing him made me feel like I was being ripped in two. I remembered the sweetness of what we’d shared and the ugliness of the way everything ended. It was the reason why I couldn’t bear to look at James during the custody hearing. It did hurt me, physically.
I rubbed at the aching spot above my heart. “I don’t know if I can watch,” I whispered.
“Just a few minutes,” Cassie said as the program came back on. She reached for my hand.
It opened with a voiceover and a shot of James and the interviewer walking on one of the paths on the grounds of James’s house. It cut to a close-up shot of James sitting outside near the pool, and I caught my breath at his expression. He looked…tired. Serious.
Sad.
“You’re a very private man, James. Thank you for agreeing to chat with me,” the interviewer, a flawless woman named Mariana, said. “We have lots of ground to cover, I think.”
“Yeah, I’ve had an eventful year,” James mustered up a weary smile as he glanced down.
The camera cut back to Mariana. “Quite a few challenges I’m sure,” she agreed. “The latest was a custody battle with your daughter’s maternal grandparents, yes?”
James nodded but didn’t say anything. He wasn’t going to be an easy interview subject.
“Can you tell us a little about that?” she probed in a gentle voice.
“Look, I recognize my family matters have been getting quite a bit of public attention lately. For a long time, actually. But it’s important to me to keep my daughter’s life out of the press. She’s a child. She has no say in the way her life is being portrayed, so it’s up to me to safeguard her privacy. I don’t feel comfortable discussing the details of the hearing, or of other… events …in her past. But there is one topic relating to her I’m willing to speak about at length, and it’s childhood mental health.”
Mariana’s eyebrows shot up. “Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. Please go on.”
I leaned forward to better take in what James was about to say.
“After going through…everything…my daughter needed help. I had a wonderful support network in my family and trusted staff, but we couldn’t get her past her demons by ourselves. That was why I found someone who was equipped to help her work through her challenges. And that’s the point I’m trying to make here; we need to be advocates for our kids in every way possible. We need to speak up for them when they can’t. And we need to recognize when it’s time to seek outside help.”
Cassie glanced at me and squeezed my hand. “That was nice of him to say.”
I nodded. “Yes, destigmatizing mental health care for children is important. I’m glad he’s being so open about it.”
Mariana pressed on. “Sounds like you had a positive experience.”
“The best ,” James said, his voice suddenly enthusiastic. “All of my daughter’s progress is because of one woman. She’s a miracle worker.”
“Attaboy! Tell ‘em James!” Cassie jumped up and down in her seat and cheered. “Now we’re talking.”
I was dumbfounded. James had singled me out for praise. I knew he’d appreciated my work, but I never imagined he’d tell the world.
“What sorts of things did she do with Harper?”
James finally smiled. “She was by-the-book when it came to Harper’s treatment, but she was also open to doing things in an imaginative way. The woman is so damn creative! And fun, too. She made even the most mundane daily exercises a treat for Harper. She knew when to push and when to tap the brakes. She’s an incredible, amazing woman.”
I could feel my jaw falling open. What was going on?
“Wow, that’s high praise,” Mariana laughed.
“She deserves it,” James shot back. “Kaitlyn Thorn is unlike anyone I’ve ever known. She started off as a wonderful resource in my daughter’s life, but she became so much more. To both of us.”
“Ooh, sounds like we might have an exclusive here, please go on,” Mariana said.
James grimaced slightly, and I knew he must be uncomfortable with sharing so much, so openly for the world to see. I waited for him to take control of the conversation and steer it in a direction that made him more comfortable.
But then the set of his jaw came back, as if he was determined to push through. “You’re right, I’m about to admit something I haven’t said out loud before. I feel like I have to say it, but I worry it might be too late.” He paused.
I leaned closer to the TV, barely believing what was unfolding on the screen.
“In our time together, I fell in love with Kaitlyn. I fought the feelings for too long, but I’m through lying to myself.”
I made a wounded noise at his raw admission, and Cassie shrieked.
The camera had pulled in so James was speaking directly into it, but it felt like he was talking to me . Like it was just the two of us, having the conversation we should’ve had before that awful day he threw me out.
“The problem is,” James continued, “I was careless with my love. I didn’t tell her how I was feeling. And I… I made some mistakes. Big ones. Which is why I’m apologizing for them, right here and now—on the record, with the world watching.” He paused. “Kaitlyn, I’m sorry for everything I did to hurt you.”
Was the room spinning? It felt like it was spinning. Wait, that was because I wasn’t breathing. I made myself haul in a lungful of air.
That sweet rush of air tasted amazing. It tasted like…hope.
But was I brave enough to hang my hope on someone who’d broken my heart and thrown me out of his life? A man who by his own admission didn’t do relationships? A man who hadn’t trusted me, when I most needed him to?
“You heard it here first,” Mariana was saying, breaking the spell. “Ladies, bachelor for life James Morris might be officially off the market. Thank you for being with us, James. Up next, we’re chatting with home cleaning expert Candace Connors about her favorite back-to-school organizational tips. Stay with us.”
Cassie turned the TV off and stared at me, giving me time to process everything that had just happened.
“You okay?” she asked tentatively.
“I… I don’t know.”
“Katie, he said all the right things. He apologized. He said he loves you!”
I sniffled away the tickle in my nose and nodded.
It didn’t make sense . James had looked like he despised me when he threw me out for the second time. And though it had definitely felt like he loved me at moments during our time together, could I be in a relationship with someone who was capable of tossing me aside without a chance to explain myself? He’d said he could never love someone he didn’t trust, but he never gave me the opportunity to prove I was trustworthy.
“I don’t understand what’s going on with you,” Cassie said. “Why do you look upset?”
“Cass, I know it seems like everything is all better and the slate is wiped clean because of what he said, but James hurt me. Really hurt me, which was why I was avoiding him. And yes, it’s wonderful that he apologized, but… I don’t know. Mom apologized to me too, and look how that ended up. I’m feeling very mixed up right now.” I pulled my legs up onto the couch and hugged them to my chest.
We fell silent.
“You still love him.”
I felt my entire body go buzzy at the way Cassie said it. It wasn’t a question. She was asserting, in the way only a sister can, that she knew my feelings better than I did.
“I know you’re still upset and confused,” Cassie continued. “I get it. But he’s not like Mom. He didn’t throw out some half-assed apology just to trick you into doing what he wants. What James just did in that interview…was major. You know how private he is. To lay it all out like that, so publicly…that was him making the biggest splash he could in order to get your attention and prove what you mean to him. And now the whole world knows your name, and that the great James Morris is in love with you. He did all that, even knowing you still might not forgive him.” She held up her phone. “I guarantee you’re trending on Twitter right now.”
“But I don’t need that,” I protested. “I don’t care about being famous any more than I care about the ‘great’ James Morris. I saw a totally different side of him when I lived there. His kindness, his sense of humor, the way he adored Harper. That’s what I fe—” I stopped abruptly.
“What you what ?” Cassie asked. “Go on.”
I felt my eyes welling. “That’s what I fell in love with,” I whispered.
Cassie lurched toward me and pulled me into a hug. “Yes, exactly! You love him, Katie. You just admitted it. Now go do something about it.”
I rested my head on her shoulder as silent tears fell on my cheeks. I couldn’t make sense of the way I was feeling. Yes, I was still hurt and angry about the way he’d treated me, but more than that was the realization that it didn’t change my love for him. People make mistakes. Sometimes love hurts.
And in the end, all that matters is whether or not both hearts are willing to try again.