Chapter 12 #3
It was ok, though, because he had some blankets in the back seat and he spread one out for me to sit on. He gave another to me to wrap around myself, before he left to talk to his contractor. “I’m glad these were in here,” I mentioned when he returned, and he nodded.
“You never know when you might need them.” He slowly drove around a large hole that easily could have had water at the bottom.
“You didn’t answer when I texted you, but maybe now you will now that we’re face to face.
Not literally, because I’m not going to face you while I drive, but I do want to know. Where have you been, Grace?”
“Around. There’s not a better answer,” I said.
“I’ve been staying a lot of different places.
I got a job but I got fired because of tripping and breaking the pop machine as I went down, and those are expensive to replace.
I got another job at a party store but I just got fired from that, too, for not showing up.
That’s ok because I didn’t like being there at night, by myself. ”
“At night, by yourself. No, that’s not a good idea. I heard that it didn’t work out with the veterinarian. Pinar was mad.”
“I told her not to be. Her cousin is more important and I understood why he didn’t hire me.”
“Probably not. If you had returned her calls, she would have told you the truth, things that she didn’t want to text so they were out there in writing.
He was gambling a lot and used the office building he owned for collateral.
He lost it to his creditors, so right now there’s no veterinary practice to work for. ”
“I hope his patients are going to be ok.”
“I’m sure they’ll find another doctor,” he said. “It didn’t have anything to do with you, which you should be aware of, in case that was the reason you were staying away.”
“Not just for that, although it felt bad not to get that job. I understood…I thought that I had understood the reason.”
“I think that you’re very perceptive, and you often see things that the rest of us don’t recognize ourselves or know that you’re picking up on. But there’s no way for you to see everything. I’ve been thinking about why you ran away.”
“I didn’t run away.”
“What would you call someone leaving without notice and then refusing to communicate?” Theo asked, and when he phrased it in those terms, it did sound a lot like someone running away.
“I was trying to make a clean break,” I said. “Although, it doesn’t seem very clean at the moment. It feels dirty and miserable.”
“That’s because you fell into the drainage ditch. Keon told me.”
“No, I’ve been feeling that way since I left your rental house. I just don’t know what purpose I serve for you. I don’t want you to turn into another Nicola where it’s all one-sided.”
“You don’t want me to take care of you.”
I nodded. “Her life got destroyed because of me. She had to be my mother and that was so unfair. I don’t want to be unfair to you, too. I don’t want to use you like that.”
“First, I don’t believe that’s true about your sister. Her life seems great—”
“Now it does,” I broke in. “Now it does, but I stole most of her childhood and she still thinks that she needs to watch me all the time. She’s probably right.”
“You’re doing ok.”
“No,” I said. “No, I’m not.”
We were both quiet.
“I’m not telling you this as a cry for help,” I finally said. “I just wanted you to understand.”
“I’m not offering help,” he answered. “I do want to say that Nicola loves you very much. When I was in the same position with my own family, I blamed the people who had put me there, which means that I was angry at my parents. She seems to feel the same way, from what I can guess by how she acts toward your mother. She doesn’t seem to resent you. ”
“She should.”
“Why, because you were a helpless baby who needed her? I guess I was mad at my sister sometimes,” he admitted.
“I was mad that I had her trailing around after me, wanting to be a part of things. I thought she was getting in my way.” He sighed.
“I’m sorry about that now and I wish that I’d let her.
I’d do just about anything to have her here. ”
“Do you think I’m a replacement for her?”
“I don’t think of you like a sister,” he said. “Nothing like a sister. You and Pen are not the same at all, besides that you had similar circumstances of parents who were morons. You didn’t react the same way and you grew up very different. She got into a lot of trouble.”
“I spend most of my time getting myself out of trouble.”
“Exactly,” Theo said. “She never could. She never seemed to want to and she just went deeper and deeper. I think that you’re on the hunt for something, Grace.
You’re not settling down because you’re still looking for it.
It says something about you that you had dropped me but you were still taking care of my fish and coming to check on my cabin. ”
“I didn’t drop you. I’ve been standing in your yard at the rental house at night, too.”
“Holy hell. Like a vampire?”
“It’s because there was a break-in on that block, so I wanted to keep an eye out for your safety,” I explained. “I heard it from a police contact.”
“You have police contacts?”
I shrugged, because many people did. It was important to remember not to mention secret compartments in your car or previous jobs with the Mafia when you talked to them, though.
“I’m sorry that I ran out of your house like that.
My mom was very mad at me and said a few things, and I was thinking that she was right. ”
“I heard that she was pissed off that you hadn’t told her when you found out about your dad cleaning another woman’s gutters. It was all in the group chat,” he explained when I turned to stare at him. “Dion added me.”
“She was very pissed off,” I said. Without meaning to, I checked over my shoulder for Nicola who would have told me not to curse.
“It’s because it’s easier to blame me for not telling her than to blame my father for his actions.
He won’t react and give her the attention she wants because he doesn’t care how she feels, not anymore.
I guess he hasn’t cared for a while, or he wouldn’t have been unfaithful.
” I sighed, too. “I should have told her. She’s right about that.
Also, I don’t think I’m in that group chat. ”
“It’s only for the people who support your mom,” he explained.
“Dion is still a member, even after she kicked him out?”
“She didn’t. She said that she was disappointed that he hadn’t talked to her when he learned about the girlfriend and the affair, and Dion apologized and explained that he hadn’t wanted to hurt her feelings and that he felt like it was water under the bridge, anyway.
Things were still tense and he went to stay with Carrington for a while, and they both discovered how much they love living together full-time.
Now your mom is begging him to come home and it’s making him upset. ”
“He put all that in the chat?”
“We also had drinks the other night,” Theo said. “I’m making up for a missed trip to Florida by going out more. Do you want to go out with me?”
“Me? And you?”
“Why not?” he asked. “It would just be having dinner.”
“Why?” I asked him in return. “I don’t really understand. I know that I hurt your feelings by bowing out of your life like I did.”
“How do you know that?”
“Regina wrote a really angry message and now she won’t speak to me, but I had already guessed that you would be upset. That was why I left you the note.”
“Right, the note. You know, one woman I knew at college went on to do cryptography for the NSA. I thought about getting in touch with her to help me read that, but then I realized what you said. ‘I’m sorry.’ That was all.”
“I hoped that was enough. I’m very sorry, Theo.
I’m sorry I drove out to your cabin and asked for room and board and I’m sorry I wouldn’t let go of you, not until I forced myself on that night when I left.
I’m not a person who will ever have what my sisters do, all the amazing relationship stuff. You should know that.”
“All I’m asking for now is a portion of one evening. What about doing that instead?”
What about it? One night didn’t mean that I was going to hurt his feelings again.
It might just mean a nice dinner with someone I liked so much that it hurt me, too.
It didn’t mean that I needed his help, but it did mean that I was pretty weak.
It meant that I couldn’t stop myself and that I was willing to sacrifice his happiness for mine.
Unless…
“I’ll go do that vision test,” I announced. “If you really think I need it, then I will.”
“Oh, ok. Yes, I think it’s necessary.”
“Good, then I’ll do it.” I also opened up the group chat, the one I was allowed in but Theo was not a member, because it was siblings only. I typed a quick note to everyone and responses came back fast.
“What? Are you serious?” Brenna wrote back. “Where do I start?”
“Grace, what do you mean?” Nicola said, and Sophie answered her.
“She wants to know what’s wrong with her, and who’s better to ask than the seven of us?”
“Do you mean constructive criticism?” Addie asked, and I said no.
“Just give it to me. Everything that I need help with. Everything I need to fix, change, and accomplish.”
“You need to keep trying to get into Kakasana without balancing on pillows,” Dion wrote. “To you non-yogis (Nicola), that means crow pose. You can get there, Grace.”
I hoped so, and I really was going to try. Not just with the crow but with everything.