Chapter 14 #2
“Fine! I could’ve continued what we were doing, and it felt like it could be …
more. You’re an incredible woman. Not like I thought we’d end up forever or something ridiculous like that, but friends with benefits with you is the most I’ve wanted from anyone in my entire life.
” Kaelee glanced at a mime who was seemingly arguing with a businessman, who may or may not have been in on the act.
“We already agreed that the ‘friends’ part still can exist.…”
“I know, but I really, really fucking loved the other part, too,” Kaelee reminded her. “So if we’re doing this new ‘friends without benefits’ thing, I’m going to need a minute to learn how to keep from wanting to fuck you.”
“Are you saying you’d still want to have sex, knowing who I really am?” Greta asked.
“Yes.”
“Oh.” Greta gave her a perplexed look.
They walked through Central Park with distance and stilted conversation between them.
Every so often, that awkwardness was interrupted by passionate exchanges on books, movies, and artists.
And Kaelee did her level best to remind herself over and over that having so much in common did not mean they were ever going to have been more than friends and former fuck buddies.
This is better. This is the real person. She’s not lying about things.
“Okay, so … Patience? True story?” Kaelee prompted eventually as they were headed out of Central Park. Kids were playing some odd version of soccer meets American football that looked like they had a set of rules, even if no one outside the game knew what they were.
“Completely true. Patience was a monster at first, and honestly I couldn’t blame her. Luckily, we made up. By the time we were in high school, Patience was very much not a virgin, and I was the lucky girl who made that happen.”
“You deflowered Patience?” Kaelee exclaimed.
“And two of the Marys.” Greta shrugged. “Catholic school. Best place ever for a budding lesbian. So many girls only thought of penetration by penis as sex, and they were curious … or unsatisfied by fumbling boys who had no idea that sex could be good for a girl.”
Kaelee laughed before admitting, “I could’ve appreciated a young Greta. I was a late bloomer. I think I was almost eighteen when I figured out that I looked at girls the way I did because I was a lesbian, not because I was judging their hair or clothes like people thought.”
“I can’t picture you like that!”
“Hair to my mid-back, tight skirts, plenty of makeup.” Kaelee thought back to the image she’d adopted then.
“That was what ladies were to look like, dress like, sound like, and for a lot of years, I followed their rules. I had a boyfriend, gay as can be, and I didn’t mind even though I hadn’t figured out how to explain why I was okay with his complete disinterest in kissing or anything.
We let people think we ‘went all the way’ at junior prom, as my friends all did, but in truth, we watched old movies, ate pizza, and danced around the hotel room.
Both our reputations were secure, though, because we lied, and that was all that mattered at the time. ”
“Do you keep in touch?”
“Sometimes. He does some sort of surgery in California. Loves his job, his husband, and their toddler.” Kaelee thought about Branson.
His family had come to terms with his bombshell about being gay pretty quickly; not without drama, but not with the sort of violent reaction that Kaelee had.
They’d been a lot less happy about Bran moving to California.
The men in their family went to Duke, tradition blah blah, but they still got over it.
“This whole ‘editor who asks all the questions’ is a side I wasn’t expecting to meet,” Kaelee pointed out after a few silent moments walking. “I could get used to it.”
“Same on the not-a-locked-door part of you.” Greta smiled. “I like this being honest and getting to know you.”
Kaelee wasn’t going to admit that this openness was unique to Greta, not when that led to taboo thoughts. Instead she simply said, “I should grab coffee so I can be awake for the ride home.”
As she was turning away, Greta said, “Ian is a great editor, you know. If he takes on your book and—”
“Could we have sex if I was his author?” Kaelee asked.
“We shouldn’t.” Greta crossed her arms over her chest, like she was trying to shield herself. “I’m still the acquiring editor and…”
“Then what would I gain by switching?” Kaelee stared at her. “If I could still be with you, I’d consider it.”
For a moment, she thought the answer would change. She thought maybe Greta was really as into her as she seemed, but she shook her head.
“The deal announcement goes out this week,” Greta said. “I will still be listed as the acquiring editor in it. Not Ian.”
“That’s the plan,” Kaelee said flatly. “Lots of people become friends with their editors. We just are starting there. No big deal.”
They exchanged a look, but neither of them pointed out that they started out as a lot more than friends. Neither of them pointed out that they were both mourning their loss. This was it, then. The end of what could have been.
Kaelee fixed a smile on her lips and gestured for Greta to walk with her.
Friends. We’re good.
She told herself that it was enough even though she knew it was a fucking lie.
She wanted it all: friends, fucking, maybe forever.
Being with Greta had been the closest to content that Kaelee had ever been, but she wasn’t enough for Greta to be willing to find a way to make something work between them.
Maybe I will never be enough for anyone.