Chapter 31
Griffin
It’s a Friday night, and I opened my front door to the gaggle of geese and all their gifts.
Once Savannah and Tommy were settled, I grabbed my keys and left the ladies to do whatever it is that they do.
Giggling and cooing at the baby seemed to be what was on their agenda, but the way Savannah was smiling, I didn’t mind one bit.
Now as I sit with Tanner at the Whiteman’s Bar, I’m enjoying a whiskey and feeling better than I have in a long time.
“You’ve been quiet,” Tanner comments as we relax in the booth, music playing around us, people milling about.
Everything feels clearer to me now. Sound has less static.
My eyes seem more focused and notice the little things.
Which is ironic, because I’m fucking tired.
But with how things are going, no matter how tired I am, I couldn’t be happier.
“Got a lot going on.” I shrug as I take a sip.
“How’s she going?” he asks, looking at me like he knows I’m holding out on him. I give in, my words falling from my mouth in a rush.
“She’s amazing. What she went through… she’s a powerhouse. I can’t live up to her.”
Tanner's eyebrows rise a little. A knowing smile spreads across his face. “Sometimes all it takes is a good woman to put us on our ass.” He huffs a laugh before he takes a sip of his liquor.
“How did you know?” I frown, looking at him, feeling vulnerable. I don’t talk about my feelings; I don’t talk about myself much. Must be the lack of sleep that’s making me share more than usual.
“Know what?”
“That Victoria was the one?” I ask him, and he takes a deep breath, leaning back in the booth.
“Truth be told, I think I knew the moment I saw her. Up on the porch at Marie’s Place, shoulders back, hair blowing in the breeze…”
My chest constricts as Tanner gets lost in his memories.
I remember the moment I walked into that bakery, annoyed that I had to help fix the place when I had a million other things to do.
I was even more annoyed that I could just walk in, the door unlocked, and I remember striding to the kitchen, ready to yell at whomever was in charge about their lack of security and preparedness with opening a new business.
But the moment I saw her, I stopped, watching her in the kitchen from the doorway, completely mesmerized.
Then she burned her hand on the hot tray, and my legs moved, and I was on her in an instant.
“She thinks she’s a burden. That a man like me couldn’t possibly want a woman like her,” I tell him, and while she hasn’t fully said the words, I know that’s what she thinks. If only she could understand that I don’t feel worthy of her.
“So you haven’t told her you love her, then?” Tanner pushes, and my jaw clenches. I won’t bother denying that’s exactly how I feel.
“Doesn’t seem to be the right time…” I grip the glass and lift it to my mouth, the burn of his whiskey needed.
Love. It’s a funny feeling. It squeezes everything out of you before it fills you up so quickly it’s like you never knew you needed it until you got it.
I’ve spent my life running from that feeling.
Spent my life hiding, not wanting to experience the pain that comes with it.
Losing my mom and my brother almost killed me, and I swore that night to never feel that kind of pain again.
With Savannah, and now little Tommy, I’m running too close to that flame once more.
But this baker of mine. Hell, she was unexpected.
But she just had a baby. She needs to heal.
Needs to give all her energy to that little boy.
Not me. But I’ll be right there with them.
Ensuring they have everything they need.
I’m too scared to say the words out loud.
Too scared that once I put that out in the universe, they’ll get taken away, just like before.
“There’s never a right time,” Tanner says, and I nod, knowing he’s probably right. My cell chimes, and I pull it out, thinking it might be Savannah, but it’s not. It’s a message from an unknown number, and as I open it, reality hits me in the face.
I’d like to see you
My vision clouds, the noise around me dulls, and I feel my chest tightening so viciously it’s hard to take a breath.
“It’s not the right time.” I look back at Tanner, who watches me carefully as I pocket my phone and grab my drink, throwing the rest of it back.
I’m no good for her. She deserves better. I need to be better.
Swallowing roughly, I walk into Sawyer's office on Main Street. I have no idea what I’m doing, but he always seems to have answers, so here I fucking am.
“Griff? Hey, good to see you. How’s little Tommy?” He greets me with a smile and a backslap, asking about the kid like he’s mine.
“He’s doing good,” is all I can muster.
After I left the bar last night, I drove around almost all night, not wanting to go home, my thoughts muddled.
I walked into the house once it was dark and quiet and slept in the spare room, although sleeping is an understatement.
I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling until the sun came up.
I didn’t even help Savannah feed Tommy like I usually do. I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed.
The old me would have my bags packed and jet fueled and been out of Whispers faster than you can say “Whiteman’s Whiskey.
” But the new me, the one who’s undeniably in love, with a young baby boy whom I want to make my own, with a house that’s starting to feel like a home, and a life that’s starting to build… I knew I couldn’t run. Not anymore.
But I did need space. I needed to drown in my thoughts, process them.
Think of a plan of what I need to do to fix my mental state, to help me move on, to make me the man I need to be.
I can’t be the man she deserves without dealing with all this shit, and I can’t look her in the eye until I get it all sorted. All that thinking has led me here.
I have thoughts on how I want my life to be now.
I look at the future, and all I see is her in it.
I want to make us permanent. I want a ring on her finger and a shared life together.
But that can’t happen until I clean out my skeletons, sort out the legal ramifications of the baby, and get rid of my history that has a way of hanging around.
“Good. What’s going on?” He frowns at me, obviously sensing something.
“I’ve got a few things I’d like advice on.”
“Sure, let’s go down to my office.” He leads the way down the hall, and I step inside, taking a seat, my knee bouncing, my anxiety swirling.
I handle my business. Sure, I’ve had Sawyer help with other legal things, business management, new build contracts and the sort.
But I’ve never asked or wanted help with my private life.
I’ve kept that firmly locked. But there’s more than me to think about now.
I need to try and move past my demons, share the load, and ask for help.
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
But I will do it. For her.
“Everything alright?” he asks.
I swallow as he closes his door and walks around to his desk. My chest is pounding and my hands are sweating.
“Not really,” I tell him honestly.
“Okay. Start at the beginning.” Sawyer nods, like he’s ready to solve an unsolvable problem.
“How much time have you got?” I huff a laugh, but I don’t feel humorous. I feel sick. Weak. Like I can’t handle my own shit.
“I’ve got all day, Griff. A problem shared is a problem halved. None of us are superheroes; we’ve all got shit, believe me. I handle everybody’s.” He sits back and waits, and if I didn’t know any better, I would say this is a counseling session, not a legal meeting.
So I do as he says. I take a deep breath, and I start at the beginning.