22. Conflicted
Chapter Twenty-Two
CONFLICTED
~~Camden~~
I stare after Inez, unable to help myself. I have it bad for her. She occupies my thoughts almost every waking moment, except when I’m on the ice. I’m floundering in a sea of doubt, bypassing the lifeboat, and swimming into a fog of the unknown. It’s scary as shit but also exciting. I know there’re sharks in the water, yet I’m not stopping until I get what I want.
And what exactly is that?
Deep down, I know the answer, but it’s more complicated than just wanting Inez. I want it all, but am I willing to sacrifice it all for a not-so-sure thing?
The only reason I’m willing to risk my hockey career has to be that I love her.
There, I said it. The truth I’ve been skirting for way too long. I love Inez. I want a life with her, a future together, and I’ll give up anything to get it. I want to go to bed every night with her cuddled next to me and wake up every morning to her hot little body. I’m fully aware I’m not thinking clearly right now. Where she’s concerned, I’m not sure I ever will be.
“Cam, you might want to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve before others notice.”
I jump and whirl around. Drakos, unusually serious, watches me so intently he has me fidgeting. “What’re you talking about?”
Drakos snorts. “Seriously? You can’t fool me. I see shit. People think I’m just a party boy who only focuses on what he wants, but I’m actually pretty perceptive.”
I knew that much about him, but I’m still mortified. If Drakos has figured out I have the hots for Inez, how obvious is it to others?
“She’s not interested.” I hope he buys my line.
“She seems plenty interested. I’ve watched you guys. You think no one notices how you can’t take your eyes off her when she’s across the room, and same with her. You’re not only playing with fire, my man, but you’re messing with your career and your future.”
“Tell me about it.” I sigh, giving up on denial. I trust Drakos. He might be a party boy extraordinaire, but he’s been a good and loyal friend to me since I came to Portland.
Drakos studies me with serious, concerned eyes. “I’m here for you. You know that, right?”
“I do. I really do.”
“Good.” Drakos nods and manages a wry smile. He’s worried about me, and I realize my party-till-you-drop roommate has more substance than I give him credit for.
“Do you think anyone else has noticed?”
“Nah. I’m around you more than they are. You’re safe. Except maybe with Kirby. That dude has some kind of sixth sense or something.”
I heave a relieved sigh and decide to change the subject before he asks more questions I don’t want to answer.
“I should be asking you how you’re doing with all these trade rumors.” I’ve been so wrapped up in my own drama, I haven’t taken into consideration what he’s going through. As a grizzled veteran when it comes to trades, I know how hard it is to pack up and leave a city you’ve come to love and teammates you’ve battled with for the past year and a half.
“They’re rumors. Nothing else. Aria is full of shit as usual.” Worry flickers in his eyes, announcing there’s some truth behind those rumors, and he’s well aware of it.
“I’m always here for you, too.”
“I know that.” He claps me on the arm. “We should get to the locker room.”
“Yeah.”
And so ends our bro convo. Neither of us is much for examining our feelings, and we’ve done enough for one day.
Together, we enter the locker room. The anxious stares of our teammates aren’t lost on us. They’re concerned this might be Drakos’s last night in an Icehawks uniform, just as I am. The trade deadline is still a few weeks off, but this is a tense time in any league locker room.
Drakos and I exchange a knowing glance before heading to our respective stalls. Kirby looks up as I sit down. I like Kirby. What’s not to like? But the guy does unnerve me at times. I never know how to take him. I swear he sees right through all the bullshit to the real truth. It’s bad enough Drakos has figured things out. I don’t need Kirby sniffing around. I hope to God he doesn’t have some magic power that clues him in.
I concentrate on taping my stick, hoping he’ll be distracted by someone else. I feel his eyes on me, and it’s disconcerting to say the least.
“We need to win this one. It’s a division opponent.” He isn’t telling me anything I don’t already know.
“Yeah, they’re a tough team to beat, and we don’t match up well with them.” As long as I keep him talking about hockey, I can avoid any uncomfortable questions.
“You’ve been playing well. Your confidence level has improved, and it’s really all you were missing to your game. I like being out there with you. I know I can depend on you to be where I expect you to be.”
“Same here. We could teach these rookies a thing or two.”
He winks his agreement before sobering. Here it comes. I know it.
He moves closer and lowers his voice. “I’m a good listener if you need someone to talk to.”
“Talk? Why?” Alarm bells clang in my head to the point where I can barely hear beyond the noise.
“Just putting that out there.” Kirby nods and moves on to talk to a rookie defenseman. I hear him giving the kid advice on positioning in front of the net so as not to block our goalie’s line of sight. I go back to preparing for the night’s game. Even though the guys have been off suspension for a while, Coach has kept me on the third line with Wade and Jayden. I click with my linemates, and he’s not messing with our mojo. The call-ups have been sent back to their minor league team.
My linemates are unselfish team players like me. None of us are showboats, more like workhorses. We play a fast, mean two-hundred-foot game. We’ve had some good looks, and Wade has scored a couple goals, while I’ve added a couple assists. When this team operates on all cylinders, we’re hard to beat. We have four solid lines that come at our opponents rather than one main line made up of star players and three mediocre lines. It’s our advantage, and the way we make up for not having those huge firepower stars.
The game is fast-paced, and we hold out for a win. Jayden scores the winning goal with an assist from me, and I’m walking on air. I’m making a difference on this team, possibly carving out a more permanent spot with the Icehawks.
Unless…
My secret is exposed. What if I lost both hockey and Inez? Would I be able to bear the loss of two loves of my life at once? Before this game, I’d been leaning toward going for it with Inez even if I had to sacrifice hockey. Now that I’m riding high on another win, I’m not as certain as I was.
Would I really walk away from hockey in order to have Inez?
But I love her. I’m sure of it.
It’s moments like these I wish I had a mom or sister to discuss my love life with. I need someone who’s entirely on my side and sees the bigger picture I’m having a hard time seeing.
“Hey, Hale, you gonna join us for pizza?” Dash asks. He’s already in street clothes and ready to go. I’m a little slower due to being tagged for the press conference after the game. Trent, Kirby, and Briggs are standing near him.
“I’ll have to take a rain check. I have something going on.”
Kirby’s gaze penetrates right through my bullshit. I don’t feel good about it. Not that he’d ever betray me, but my behavior does call into question my ethics. Maybe not in his opinion, but definitely in mine.
I glance around for Drakos, hoping he’ll bail me out on this, but he’s already gone.
“Suit yourself,” Dash says, and the guys exit the locker room. They’ll be meeting their significant others before they head for pizza. I’m envious. Inez and I will never be able to hang out after a game as a couple. As long as I’m on this team and she’s an assistant GM, we’re relegated to sneaking around and fearing we’ll be caught at any moment.
Several minutes later, I’m walking into the restaurant. Inez is seated near the back in a private booth. I had to search to find her. This clandestine shit is getting on my nerves.
“Hey,” I say with a big grin. Just seeing her pretty face has me forgetting all my doubts and fears. It’s enough to be in her presence. She’s wearing jeans, a black blouse, and a blazer. Her hair is in her customary tight bun, and I’m picturing dismantling that bun the first chance I get.
She looks up and beams. “Hey.”
I lean down and kiss her before sliding into the seat across the small table. Candles flicker softly on each table and cast a warm glow in this dimly lit room. It’s romantic and private. My apprehension melts away and leaves me with the feeling that I’m right where I need to be.
“You look lovely,” I say, ignoring how sappy I sound.
“You look hot enough to eat.” She rewards me with a sultry smile full of promise.
“So do you.”
We stare across the table at each other until the waiter appears with a bottle of wine Inez ordered before I arrived. He pops the cork, pours a small amount into the glass, and offers it to me to sample. “She’s the wine drinker.” I point toward Inez, and he smiles graciously and gives her the glass. She does all the stuff, swishing it around, sniffing it, and taking a delicate sip. After which she nods. The waiter fills both our glasses and leaves the wine on the table.
“What’s good here?” I ask as I peruse the menu.
“Absolutely everything. Their pasta is made here, and everything they serve is beyond amazing.”
I study the menu. It doesn’t have a huge selection, but there’s still plenty to choose from. I’m not overly familiar with Italian food. I decide to play it safe and have lasagna.
Inez orders something I can’t pronounce, and I order the lasagna. The waiter delivers breadsticks and a salad. I burn a ton of calories during a game, and I’m starved. I force myself to eat at a leisurely pace even though I want to bolt down my food. I don’t want Inez to think I’m an uncouth pig.
“Great game, and you got a point.”
I grin from ear to ear. “I know. It feels good like it hasn’t felt in a very long time. My linemates and I click. We’re on the same page almost every shift. It’s incredibly rewarding to play with guys like that. I’m finally enjoying hockey again.”
And I’m as conflicted as ever.