4. Chapter Four
Chapter Four
Hugo
H e’s so gorgeous. With those tight pants, that sexy shirt, and that earring. The fucking earring.
I didn’t want to think of Axel as attractive. Back when he’d been my student, he’d been awkward. Confident, but also a little goofy. Never arrogant, though. Ed ensured Axel took our rehearsals seriously. A few of the one-on-one lessons, though, I’d let him share his sense of humor. He’d been a kid, after all. Saddled with too many responsibilities at home for someone so young.
I saw it all the time with my students—they were often responsible for younger siblings, for working to bring in money, or even for taking care of parents with substance-abuse problems. Axel never shared specifics, but I suspected he fell into some—or all—of those categories. Certainly the working part. He’d busted his ass to earn enough to buy the electric guitar, even at the huge discount I quoted him.
I could still remember that smile when he gave me the money, and I handed him the guitar. I told him I’d gotten a deal.
One of the few times I’d lied to a student.
In truth, I’d ponied up a good chunk of the money myself. Had for Ed as well, but he’d seen through my lie. And had never, to the best of my knowledge, told Axel.
As I stood behind the food truck, waiting impatiently, questions swirled in my mind. What would we talk about? Would we have anything besides East Vancouver and music in common? Had he understood how badly I’d wanted him to succeed? Would he be creeped out if I told him how closely I’d followed his career?
I didn’t have long to ponder those notions as he soon poked his head around the side. He waved.
After a fraction of a second, I waved back. This felt awkward as fuck—much as the handshake had.
“Are you hungry?” He grinned, white teeth gleaming.
“Yeah.” Better not tell him I’d pretty much skipped lunch and was feeling a little light-headed. At least I’d remembered to refill my reusable water bottle and had been drinking plenty.
“Do you like hot dogs? Or would you like something else? Ed’s gone vegetarian, and I’ve tried, but…” He shrugged. “Just not my jam.”
I grinned. “I am not a vegetarian. Nor do I have any food allergies.”
He grinned back. “Greek? I’m hankering for a lamb gyro.”
“Sounds brilliant.” Okay, not sounding too eager. Maybe I’ll make it through this after all. Because even though I’d always had the upper hand in our dynamic, I felt like his adult fame was subtly shifting the power. Like he had all the say in what was happening. And given how much he had going on this weekend and how few commitments I had, that sort of made sense.
But that small change was causing the world to feel off-kilter.
Or maybe it was the lack of solid food.
We moved to the Greek truck. Before I could ground myself, Axel handed me a gyro and a diet cola. Did he remember I drank diet cola or was he merely guessing? Still, I didn’t even have time to grab my wallet before he’d paid and he was beckoning me around to the back of the truck. He pointed to the shade, then dropped onto the dusty ground, a little billow of grit surrounding him.
When in Rome . I liked the idea of being out of the sun as well. This small slice of heaven came with lower temperatures and the tantalizing smell of fried onions and roasted meat. My stomach growled.
“Eat.” Axel pointed to my food. Then he cracked open his can of cola and took several long pulls. When he’d consumed what I judged to be half the can, he belched, looked vaguely chagrined, and again pointed to my food.
Obediently, I took a bite. The flavor hit my tongue in just the right way as the meat dribbled juice. I moaned.
Axel grinned. “You’re so easy to please.” He took a nibble of his food.
“Look, there’s something I want to—”
He pointed to my food. “First we eat, then we talk. I don’t want to be rude. Big Mac always talks with food in his mouth. It’s gross.”
I didn’t know Big Mac’s habits, of course. The slender man was on the short side and played bass like no one’s business, but I’d never met him. “Dude absolutely shreds.”
Axel cocked his head. “Okay, so you’ve followed the band. Eat now, talk later.” With that, he took a huge bite of his food. And after a few mouthfuls, had consumed the entire meal while I still took small bites and chewed carefully.
My stomach preferred a slower consumption of food.
After scrunching his food wrapper into a little ball, Axel took another long drink of soda. He let out a contented sigh as he leaned back against the truck. “That was amazing.”
“Mmm.” My mouth was full, of course, so that was the best I could manage.
“So, I want to apologize.”
“Hmm?” Damn not being able to speak.
He met my gaze. Ah, so this was always his plan. Little shit .
“I feel like I need to apologize. That last time we saw each other… Well, aside from graduation. I don’t know if you remember—”
“I remember.” I managed to swallow. “And you don’t—”
“Yeah, I really do.” He fingered the wrapping. “I lost my temper. Believe it or not, I don’t do that often.”
I did know that. In the four years I’d worked with him, he’d never lost his temper. Never shown any sign of anger, even at the dire circumstances he lived in. Never had a nasty word with Ed or any of the other kids. And I’d never heard of an incident since he’d started to be in the public eye more. If he felt rage, I’d assumed he kept it inside. I worried he might implode if it got to be too much—but also knew he never lost it. “Yeah.”
“But…” He winced. “That guy—”
“Gavin.”
“Yeah.”
“My husband.”
“Yeah.”
“Now my ex-husband.”
Another wince. “Yeah, that sucks.”
“You knew?” I eyed the last few bites. I need to eat that, but I’m not certain my stomach will allow it . “I mean, he’s pretty public, so I guess you might’ve pieced things together. But no one at the school knew I was gay—”
“ Was gay?”
“ Am gay.” I quickly clarified in case my words left any lingering doubt. Always had been and always would be. I could adore women, but I’d never be attracted to them. Never want them sexually. Not like men. Not like him . “People in my social circle knew. My parents knew, obviously.”
He laughed. Not an entirely pleasant sound. “Yeah, well we certainly weren’t part of your social circle. So I hadn’t known you were married to a dude.”
“Gavin and I divorced, and my family acted like I’d never been married. Although they were part of the same crowd as Gavin, that was never my scene. I disappeared, and no one in the snooty stratosphere asked any questions. Or if they did, my mother never said. And she loved to gossip. Had no problem telling me Gavin remarried pretty much the day after our divorce became final.”
Axel sucked in a sharp breath.
“I wish him well.” I poked an onion. “I didn’t then…but I do now.”
“He’s an asshole.”
“I’m not going to dispute that.”
He let go a long sigh. “I’m sorry I yelled. Just…I didn’t know you were gay. That was shock. Not a good shock or a bad shock…just a surprise I didn’t see coming. Then, on top of that, meeting your butthole husband. And the things he said—”
“I’m so sorry for that.” Acid churned in my gut, mixing with the food and threatening to bring it all back up.
“What are you apologizing for?” Axel furrowed his brow. “Like, you did nothing wrong.”
“Well…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Did you really hate me after that?”
“Hate you? What do you mean?”
“You were really angry at me.”
He shrugged. “Yeah, ‘coz I thought we were friends, and you didn’t even tell me you were gay. And maybe, as your student, I didn’t have the right to know. But Ed admitted to me he had feelings for both guy and girls. I worried he might like me in that way . He swore he didn’t, and I believed him. But it would’ve been nice to talk to someone who understood that I could like guys but just want Ed as a friend.”
Axel likes guys. I pushed that thought down to focus on the past. “You could’ve come to me.”
“I didn’t know you were gay.” He gazed out over the sea of tents—more being erected as time moved on. People wanting the best spots.
“Oh. I suppose…So you didn’t think that I was trying to…well…you know? I thought you were angry because you were uncomfortable around me.”
“Uncomfortable?”
“Like you thought I was going to try something.” Like Gavin accused me of doing, even though I never had those thoughts.
“Hell no. Fuck, I’m sorry you thought that.”
“So you didn’t think I had been inappropriate at all?”
“Fuck no! Who was the motherfucker who said that to you? You were the best teacher. I never felt anything like that around you. Like I said, I didn’t even know you were gay. You were never inappropriate with any of your students. You were always so careful.”
“Oh. Good.” His words left me nearly speechless. Of course, Gavin had been the motherfucker . The man I’d loved, who’d undermined me in that nasty, painful way. The doubt had lingered all these years. Until now.