Chapter 22 Zach
TWENTY-TWO
ZACH
Iforgot the world for a moment. In Dare’s arms, I forgot everything and focused on him, the warmth of his body, the pulsating energy he radiated that made me feel instantly at home. It was nice there. It was safe. But it was an illusion.
“Wh-what did he do?” I asked, pulling away from him and feeling heartbroken about doing so.
It was necessary though.
He didn’t get to hold me after treating me that way he had. Not after the beautiful night we’d shared.
Instead of answering he gave me my phone, and it chilled me to the bone.
“It’s probably just photoshopped,” Dare suggested.
I shook my head. Victor wasn’t like that. He didn’t make empty threats. He acted. He destroyed.
“He’s going to burn this whole island to the ground,” I said and took a step back.
I needed to do something. I needed to protect everyone. I couldn’t just sit on my ass and watch the town I loved get destroyed in my name.
“I…I need to go. I need to run away,” I mumbled.
Maybe if I told him I didn’t live here anymore, he would leave them alone. Maybe I could leave him breadcrumbs to follow me somewhere else. I didn’t know if it would work, but I had to try. I had to do something.
“Zach, no!” Dare tried to reach for me, but I took another step back and another until I spun around and walked into the guest room where my bag of clothes was.
“I can be out of here by tonight. I’ll reach Boston by daylight, then I can figure something out. I can lure him away from here.”
I walked out of the room, intent on finding the rest of my stuff throughout the house, but Dare stood between me and his bedroom.
“You can’t leave,” he said.
“I can and I will,” I answered and started to walk toward the living room, certain I’d left my cardigan in there.
“Zach, stop,” he said and grabbed my arm, pulling me back toward him. “You can’t go. You can’t run. It’s not safe.”
“It’s not safe here. Not while he’s around causing mayhem to everyone I know.”
Dare shook his head.
“He’s not. He’s just playing his little game trying to get you to go to him.”
“And it’s working, so it’s better I leave now before he ruins all your lives.”
I tried to walk past him, to get away from his grip, anything to get me moving again, but he held me there, in front of him, pleading with his eyes.
“Let me go,” I said.
“No. You’re only going to hurt yourself. What are you going to do if he finds you? You can’t keep running.”
“Why do you care?” I shouted.
I’d had enough. I’d had enough of all of this. Of the sheltering, of the shielding, of the infantilizing. I’d survived this long. I’d survive Victor again.
Dare’s grip loosened and I pulled myself back.
“Why do you care, huh? You got your fix of me. Because that was all I was, wasn’t I? I was here and available and weak. Why the hell would I stay when you’re about to kick me out anyway?”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Isn’t that what you wanted to talk about? To tell me I can’t stay here any longer because it’s too awkward being around me after we had sex? Well, this is your chance to do it the easy way. I’m leaving before you can kick me to the curb.”
Dare’s expression hardened and he tried reaching for me again.
“That’s…I wouldn’t ever do that to you.”
I laughed in his face and put my hand up to block him from getting any closer.
“I…I’m sorry, Zach. I didn’t mean to be like that. To treat you that way. Can you please—”
“No! Just let me go. I want to get my stuff and leave. Let me through. Just stop. Stop talking,” I started and somehow I ended up in his arms again, mumbling to myself and losing my resolve with every passing second.
The tighter he held me, the more I breathed. The more I breathed, the more fragile I felt. The more fragile I felt, the easier the tears that formed in my eyes fell.
“Just let me go,” I cried and kept crying and he put his hand to the back of my head and shushed me, rocked me back and forth and held me as if I was his and he was mine.
“I’m sorry for freezing you out. I wanted to talk. To explain. To discuss…us. I wasn’t going to kick you out. I wasn’t going to let you go. At least, not before I got the chance to tell you how sorry I am.”
I looked up at him and took a deep breath.
“Okay. Let’s…let’s talk.”
He nodded and took me to his bedroom. He sat at the foot of the bed and invited me to sit next to him.
“You know about my ex—”
“Wyatt, yeah,” I said and he flinched.
“What?” he asked. “H-how do you know?”
“I…I kinda guessed when he stopped by while you were sick and was acting…well, he was acting like a jealous ex-boyfriend. Especially after I came into your bedroom to get my phone and he practically stormed out.”
“Oh,” Dare said. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry for him. You’re not responsible for his actions.”
“But I am for mine. I feel like I projected so much of my heartache onto you and it wasn’t fair.”
I shook my head.
“He broke my heart. He broke my heart big time and after that I decided I wasn’t going to let myself love again. I couldn’t handle it. Not another heartache. I internalized that shit so much that I just blocked myself off from seeing the truth.”
“Which is?”
“That just because Wyatt chickened out, it doesn’t mean every guy is like him. Not everyone is closeted and scared to live their truth.”
“And is that what you did? You projected that onto me?”
He nodded and took my hand.
“I did. But Warren helped me see the truth.”
“Which is?” I asked.
“That you’re nothing like Wyatt. You’re out and proud and I wouldn’t have to hide anything if I were with you.”
“You wouldn’t,” I said.
He nodded.
“But I did also realize I can’t…I can’t put my heart on the line again. Which is why I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to ask you.”
“Ask me what?” I asked and braced myself as my heart slowed down and my stomach clenched.
“I…I wanted to ask…Gosh, I don’t know how to say this,” he mumbled and let go of my hand.
“I need to know if I…if I give myself to someone—to you—that you want the same things in life. That you want what I want. I know is stupid to talk about marriage and kids before we even know if we can co-exist with each other, but it’s important to me that you don’t break my heart and I don’t break yours and I think this is a good place to start.
Talking about what we want in life, from a partner. ”
I took a deep breath and willed my body to calm down, and then I smiled.
He didn’t want to dump me. He wanted to date me. That was what he was getting at, wasn’t he?
“I want a husband, I want kids, I want a happy life. A simple life, but a happy life,” I said. “You?”
Dare smiled too.
“Same,” he said. “I want all of that too.”
“With me?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Oh good, because I’ve had a crush on you since the first moment I saw you, but…I didn’t know if you were queer or even interested in me—”
“Fuck!” he exclaimed. “Are you serious? I’ve had a crush on you since I met you.”
My smile widened.
“You have?”
Dare sighed.
“We’re both idiots.”
I laughed.
“Seems so.”
Dare put his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes with a groan.
“I can’t believe we’ve both been so oblivious. And so dumb.”
“Hey!” I exclaimed. “We’ve had our reasons. You were betrayed and I…well, I don’t know that I was ready for a relationship. Not after what Victor put me through.”
Dare put his hand on mine again and gave it a squeeze.
“I’ve been afraid to ask,” he whispered. “But did he…”
“He was abusive. Verbally, physically, mentally. Yeah. He was all those things, and it took a lot to figure it out. You always think it will never happen to you. That you will see the signs. That the first time he raises his hand, you will nope out of there, but it doesn’t work like that.
It doesn’t happen like that. It starts slowly.
They dote on you. They love-bomb you. They make you fall for them, and by the time they raise their hands, you’re so dependent on them you believe them when they apologize.
When they say they didn’t mean it. He spent a week making it up to me after the first time.
A week.” I sighed and closed my eyes, repeating my therapist’s prescribed mantra over and over in my head.
It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.
“I hate that guy. I hate him so much,” Dare said. He dropped to the floor in front of me, and cupped my face.
“Me too. Now. It took me a long time to hate him, but I do now.”
I raised my hand and placed it over his.
“I promise I’m never going to hurt you. Never,” he whispered and I stared into his beautiful green eyes.
“I know,” I whispered back. “I know you won’t.”
I believed him. I didn’t want to, but I did. It was one of the reasons I hadn’t dated much since Victor. Because I didn’t want to fall victim to more lies, to more disguised manipulation. To more love-bombing.
But I’d known Dare for a while now. I’d gotten to know him over the past year, and even more so in the past few weeks.
I might have had a little flashback from the way he reacted after we slept together, but that wasn’t on him. That was on me. Because even when he had given me the cold shoulder there had been no malice behind it. No ulterior motive. No evil.
That wasn’t Dare. He might be rough around the edges sometimes and he might be a little reserved, but he was sweet. He was kind, caring and hard-working. He was honest and protective.
He was Dare.
The man I’d fallen in love with the day he walked up to my truck and ordered a coffee.
“Can I…can I kiss you?” he asked.
My heart thumped in my chest as if I’d been waiting all my life to be asked.
“Yes. Yes, you can,” I said.
He narrowed his eyes and watched me for a moment or two, as if waiting for me to change my mind, and when I didn’t, he closed the distance between us, and reclaimed my lips.