Chapter 21 Dare
TWENTY-ONE
DARE
Iwas shaking. I was cold to the bone. But that was what I got for not thinking straight.
For thinking with my dick and not my head.
All these years I’d built the perfect life, a fortress around my heart to protect it from getting broken again and the first time I’m alone in a room with a guy, I go ahead and risk it all for a moment of bliss.
I was an idiot. A big fucking idiot and there was no one to blame for this but me.
I hated freezing Zach out, turning my back on him, ignoring him as if it was his fault but it was the only way I knew to keep myself from making the same mistake.
I should have never brought him home with me.
I shouldn’t have let him in. There were other ways—other people—he could have stayed with, but had I thought it through before I’d brought him here? No. I hadn’t.
“All my fucking fault,” I grumbled and changed sides.
I knew I shouldn’t be sleeping in the guest room. I’d only just recovered from the pneumonia. My immune system was still vulnerable, but I didn’t feel like I deserved the toasty warmth of my living room or the affection of my dog or my goats.
I rolled around in bed for what felt like an eternity before my alarm went off.
When I jumped out of bed and escaped into the kitchen for some hot coffee to warm my insides, I saw that the kitchen island was full to the brim with muffins, cookies, loaves.
It was like walking into a bakery, but for the first time I hated the sight of them.
Or not the sight so much as the idea of them.
Zach baked when he was bored and when he was happy, but this? This was something else completely. And I knew as soon as he was up, he’d be at it all over again.
While my coffee brewed, I boxed up as many baked goods as I could and carried them to the car before pouring myself a cup and checking my deliveries for the day.
“Damn it,” I muttered when I realized I only had two drop-offs today.
It wasn’t ideal, but they could keep me busy for an hour. Then I could always spend the rest of the day out in the field. I needed to, anyway, having lost so many precious days already. I only had so long before the first frost hit, and I needed to be prepared.
After I prepared the orders and downed my coffee, I set off. As I drove away, a light turned on in the house in the rearview mirror.
He probably thought I was cruel. But better for him to think I’m cruel and hate me than me giving him my all, and having to pick up the pieces of my broken heart after. I couldn’t go through this again. Not fucking again. Not ever.
I didn’t need love. I’d been fine for five years. More than fine. I’d built a life I was proud of. A life that got me out of bed every morning, one I was happy to live. Love would be a poison in my life right now. A pest I’d have to deal with. A complication. I was done with complications.
I made it to town and stopped by the organic store to drop off their boxes of jam before making my way to the boardwalk to deliver to Martha’s grocery store.
Everyone was in full swing, bracing themselves for the holiday season and the imminent Winterberry Festival.
Christmas decorations had started going up in various stores, and some already had their windows painted with festive scenes and snow people.
The cafes had introduced their holiday flavors and signs were up for last minute Thanksgiving reservations.
I always looked forward to December in Mayberry. It was nothing short of magic around here this time of year. The festive spirit seeped from every corner of the town center. Even the overwhelming number of tourists added to the charm. But there was something missing this year. Someone.
He should be here. He should be part of the holiday craze. He should be standing in his little food truck, with a scarf twice his size wrapped around his neck, serving his customers while trying to stay warm. But he couldn’t because of that bastard.
Everything was so much better before that fucking scum of the Earth had found him. I was quietly lusting after Zach in secret. Zach had his business. I handled mine. I had my little remote farm to hide in.
Now everything was fucked up, confusing and chaotic.
Even in my own head. I wish we could go back to that.
Back to normal. Back to living our separate lives, our paths only crossing for a little chat, a little flirting, some cake, and coffee every morning before retreating to my little slice of heaven where there was no threat of heartbreak. No temptation.
“Earth to Dare, do you copy?” someone caught up with me and grabbed me by the shoulder, startling me.
I shook my head clear, and focused on the man standing in front of me. Warren.
“Hey,” I said. “What?”
Warren frowned as Ari joined him and they both stared at me as if I’d insulted them or something.
“We’ve been calling you for like a minute. Are you okay?” Warren asked.
“I’m fine!” I said.
“Are you sure? Are you still feeling poorly?” Ari stepped up, and his brows knotted with concern.
“I’m fine,” I grumbled.
“You’re not fine,” Warren grumbled back. “You’re being a grump. And you’re usually only a grump when a certain someone’s involved.”
I stared at my friend and grimaced.
“Huh?”
“What did he do?” Warren asked and before I could ask who, I realized he was talking about his brother.
“Nothing. He didn’t do anything. Well, not anything new.”
“So, what is it?”
I huffed.
“How many times do I have to tell you I’m fine before you stop asking?”
He exchanged a look with Ari before Warren grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to Ari’s medical van.
“Here,” Ari said, offering me a paper cup of coffee from a pot.
I wanted to tell them again I didn’t need anything, that I was fine, but I accepted the drink and sighed. After being stared down for what felt like hours, I spoke.
“I slept with Zach.”
Warren gasped.
“Oh my God!” he exclaimed with an overdramatic flair before adding a deadpan, “and?”
“Was it bad?” Ari asked.
I groaned.
“No, it wasn’t bad. It was good. Too good. Better than I could have dreamed of.”
“I fail to see the problem here,” Warren said, and Ari nodded.
“I can’t do it again. I can’t…go through this again,” I told my friend.
“Go through what?” he asked.
“This. All of this. The falling in love, the devotion, the opening up of my heart. But most of all, I can’t handle the heartbreak again.”
“Again?” Ari asked, while Warren sighed.
“Why do you assume there’ll be heartbreak?” he asked.
“Because there’s always heartbreak.”
“No, there isn’t. Some people are just…the one, or whatever you want to call it.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Not everyone is like—” he started and I cleared my throat, glancing at Ari. “You-know-who. For one, You-know-who is so deep in the closet, he might have made it to Narnia by now. And Zach is out and proud of who he is. That makes a massive difference, doesn’t it?”
I licked my lip and my shoulders sagged.
“Yeah. I guess.”
“You guess? You guess? Wasn’t the whole issue with…You-know-who that he couldn’t commit because he didn’t want anyone knowing he was gay?”
I stared at my friend, trying to poke holes in his theory but…well, there weren’t any.
Except one.
“It still doesn’t mean he won’t break my heart.”
I felt silly saying it, but it was the truth.
Warren grimaced and glanced at Ari.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he shouted.
“What?” I asked.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Patterson?” he repeated. “What do you mean, he’ll break your heart? You don’t know that. No one knows that. No one can guarantee that.”
“Exactly my point,” I said.
“Isn’t the point of falling in love handing your heart to someone and hoping they don’t break it?” Warren asked and Ari nodded.
“Yeah, and I don’t want to play games with my heart. What’s so terrible about that?”
Warren huffed and rolled his eyes.
“Nothing is wrong with that, Dare. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect your heart,” Ari said and there was real hurt in his eyes.
“So, let me get this straight. This guy could be your endgame and you’re not willing to let him love you back because he might one day, maybe, break your heart,” Warren said. I nodded. “I don’t know Dare, sounds like an excuse to me.”
“Of course, it’s an excuse. You don’t know what it’s like having your heart shattered into a million pieces with no way of putting it back together. So yeah, it’s an excuse but it’s an excuse to protect your being,” Ari told Warren and we both watched the doctor for a few moments.
“This guy gets it,” I said.
Warren laughed.
“I can’t believe I’m the one standing up for love and relationships here.
This is wild, but you guys have seen war.
You’ve seen death. You’ve seen destruction.
We have all this shit going on in the world, and you’re telling me you think the worst thing that can happen to you guys is someone hurting your feelings and having to start over again.
What in the hell, guys? What in the actual hell?
“I don’t…I don’t care. Do what you want but running from someone you clearly fucking like, just because some guy who was too scared of himself to come out broke your heart, sounds cowardly to me and I never pegged you for a coward.
If what you said is true, Zach has been through hell.
He just needs to feel safe, and he needs to be loved.
He doesn’t need this bullshit and if you can’t give him that, you need to let him go. ”
I stared at my friend, unable to speak. What could I possibly say when he was making so much sense? I should let Zach go. It was the sane thing to do to protect us both.
“You’re right,” I said. “That’s what I should do.”
Warren sighed and shook his head in frustration. I handed my coffee cup back to Ari and waved goodbye before returning to my car.
I drove back home determined to take back control of the situation. To do what needs to be done. I called Wyatt, already rehearsing what I was going to tell him.
“Hello?” he answered just as I arrived home and I turned the engine off.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I only stared at my front door and breathed.
“Hello? Dare?”
I should ask him to find someone else to take Zach in. Someone else he could stay with. There were so many of my old teammates on the island. Surely, someone could take him in, but…
The thought of walking through that door, to an empty home without Zach to fill it with his warmth and his energy…I couldn’t do that.
He’d only been at my home for two weeks and I couldn’t stand the idea of him gone. Of him being out of my life.
What the fuck am I so scared of?
“Dare? Are you there?” Wyatt shouted on the other end, and I almost laughed.
He’d ruined everything. He’d ruined me. Before he chickened out, I knew what I wanted. I knew who I was. I knew I wanted marriage and kids and the whole nine fucking yards. But he went and destroyed everything. My trust, my psyche, my sense of self.
Would it really be so bad if…I tried again? If I gave myself another chance to be happy?
“Sorry. That was a mistake,” I said, and hung up.
I stormed out of the car and walked to the front door with determined steps. When I got inside, Zach was in the kitchen.
It was his element. His domain and kingdom. He was talented. And so joyful. Despite what Victor had done to him he hadn’t lost his spirit. Not yet.
“Hi.” I smiled.
Zach stopped and looked at me. He smiled softly too. “Hi.”
Lookah launched at me, but I pushed him back and walked across the room to get to Zach.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m sorry,” I said at the same time. “I’m sorry for freezing you out. I didn’t…I…I think we need to talk.”
His eyes went big, and his smile disappeared as he put the piping bag down.
“Oh,” he said, sounding defeated, and my stomach sunk.
“Don’t—” I started when his phone beeped and he stared at it as if it had caught on fire.
“Do you want me to…” I asked.
He licked his lip and gave a single nod.
I reached for his phone and opened the message he’d received.
It was a photo. A photo of the insurance broker’s office. It was on fire. And as I held his phone in my hand another message arrived.
Unknown number: ill burn the world for you baby
“Is it bad?” he whispered.
I didn’t answer. I pulled him in my arms and hugged him tight, trying to shield him. To protect him from the whole world, my heart be damned.