19
“I don’t understand.” Will stood in front of Leah’s door. “Leah, why did she say that?” She didn’t respond. “Sis.”
Leah was glaring a hole in the floor.
Will was struggling against the panic rising inside him. Everything was falling apart. His friends, his family—all of it was changing, and he wasn’t part of anyone’s new outlook. “Why would she—”
“I don’t know,” Leah snapped.
Will sucked in a sharp breath. Leah was angry with him too? “What did I do?” She didn’t answer. “Leah, please tell me what I did.” His breaths came in panicked gasps. “I can focus on my grades. I can quit the football team like Mom wants—”
“Why are you saying this to me?” Leah interrupted again. “Mom is who you should talk to. I have no say in anything that’s happening.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to me. She looking at me as if I’m…” Dad. Will clenched his fists. He was going to cry, or he was going to pass out. It was hard to tell what the pounding in his head was building up to. Because she’d looked at him like there was nothing she despised more in the world.
Leah suddenly looked at him, and she wasn’t glaring anymore. Her blue eyes were glossy. They were filled with understanding—she knew what he’d left out of the sentence. “And whose fault is that, Will?” She turned away from him. Blond strands fell to hide her face, but he knew from the way her shoulders shook that she was crying. “She’s been asking you over and over to stop drinking, stop partying every weekend, and just focus on your future for once, but you never listen. And she got sick of trying.” Leah closed the door and left Will in the hallway.
The pounding in his head got worse.
*
Will was at the bottom of the pothole-covered drive when his vision cleared. He wiped his cheeks as he approached the door. He knew he looked terrible, but nothing he could do now would fix that.
Gabriel’s eyes widened when he opened the door, only to immediately narrow in a guarded look.
“Can we talk?” Will sniffled.
Gabriel’s big form was menacing once more, blocking a doorway that Will wanted to pass through. “I was clear earlier Will. Nothing is going to happen between us.”
“I know. I got the message.” He sought any hint of sympathy on Gabriel’s face, any crack in his armour—there wasn’t any. “I just want to talk for a bit.”
Gabriel looked as likely to budge as a statue.
“You said you understood difficult families,” Will continued in a husky voice. “And I could talk to you about it.”
Gabriel didn’t budge, but something other than denial crept into his expression. It looked a lot like regret. “I know what I said,” he answered in a low voice, “and I’m sorry for making promises I can’t keep. That wasn’t fair of me, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. And neither were you. You’re a smart guy, and you know that whatever this was,” he gestured vaguely between the two of them, “would only end up hurting both of us.”
“I was thinking clearly.”
That was the wrong thing to say. Gabriel shifted his weight and the door inched it’s way closer to being shut.
“I mean—” Will stepped forward, “I don’t need that. Any of that other stuff that would cause trouble. I just want to talk to you. You give good advice, and I feel better about everything after I talk to you.”
That made Gabriel’s expression soften.
“And,” Will continued, taking another step forward, “it won’t be any more than a tutor giving his student some advice. It happens all the time at school, especially for the sixth-years.”
Gabriel closed his eyes. Will held his breath.
And then Gabriel stepped outside, closing the door behind him. There was a feeling of finality to that thud. “Will…” Gabriel made to hold his shoulders before apparently thinking better of it and dropping his hands. “Just because I’m only at the school as a part-time tutor doesn’t make this okay. I think you’re a sweet guy, and I like you. But I can’t risk my career, or my family, by indulging myself in feelings that could disappear in a few weeks.” He spoke calmly, but every syllable made the pressure in Will’s skull worse. He finally gave Will that squeeze on his shoulder. “And hey, if you still like me after the leaving cert, we can see how things are then.”
The leaving cert was a lifetime away. They’d only just started the year, and by then—god, Will needed someone now. He wasn’t falling apart in a few months. He was falling apart right this second.
“You know what my mom said when I got home?” Will whispered. Gabriel’s face was blurry. The tears had come on full force.
“Will,” Gabriel said his name as if it were physically hurting him. “I can’t be that person for you. I can’t cause trouble here for my gran. This place is her entire life. I can get you the number of a good counsellor to talk to.”
Will flinched. He didn’t even say it in a mean voice. It was gentle. Kind. And it was so far from what Will wanted to hear.
“If talking helps you then—” Gabriel continued.
Will stepped back, breaking the contact between them. “You were right. I’m an idiot for coming over here.”
“I didn’t say that,” Gabriel said. “I never said you were an idiot. I only said—”
Will waved him off and took another step back. He gave him a smile he knew had to look tragic in his condition. It was odd how fast he could make the tears vanish. Just one second ago, he couldn’t control anything he was saying, and now it felt like he could do whatever he wanted. “It’s okay, sir. I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I’ll stop now.”
Gabriel came to the edge of the porch, and it was his turn to look like he wanted Will to come closer. “It’s okay to have feelings for someone, and it’s brave to go after what you want. I’m just sorry that it happened to be me, in these circumstances.”
Will could either read that as Gabriel genuinely wanting him, or Gabriel being condescending. The walls inside Will were going back up faster than he could really comprehend. The walls that hadn’t seemed to exist at all when it came to Gabriel were suddenly an impassable barrier that not even Will could dislodge. And Gabriel’s words hurt a lot less this way. “Don’t worry so much.” He gave him another smile. This one didn’t feel tragic. “I won’t cause you any trouble.”
“Will.” Gabriel began, only to falter. There wasn’t anything else to say.
“I’ll see you at school,” Will said before walking off.
His hands shook with the effort of appearing calm. But he’d done it. He’d managed it. He’d stopped making an absolute idiot of himself in front of Gabriel, and he was certain he’d never let himself do anything like that ever again. He should have learned his lesson in the classroom. He’d had it ingrained into his head now.