Chapter 18 Paige
Chapter 18
Paige
“What would you do if you couldn’t play hockey?” I was lying on the floor in Grayson’s room finishing my math homework. My mom had left a string of text messages reminding me to work on my college applications, and I was doing my best to avoid thinking about them. I was also trying not to think about the fact that my heart was still fluttering after my shopping trip with Grayson today.
It was hard enough trying to solve math equations on a normal night. But it was impossible when I kept remembering the way he had slowly traced his fingers up my back as he zipped up my dress. My breath had stalled, and my skin had kept tingling even after he’d stopped touching me. But what happened next was even more unforgettable: He’d said I was going to make him forget I was just his friend. Was that just his way of complimenting me, or was it something more? Maybe Bonnie was right about this coaching situation being risky, and I wasn’t the only one who was letting it go to their head.
The fact that Grayson had just showered and all I could smell was the heady scent of his body wash also wasn’t helping. He was at his desk on the other side of the room, yet the smell of him was intoxicating. I was starting to think that the sooner Grayson’s role as my coach came to an end, and I ticked this first kiss off my list, the better. My lips were so starved, I was beginning to look at my best friend like he was a piece of meat.
“Not sure,” he replied, leaning back in his chair. “Hockey’s kind of it for me.”
Reed had his cars, and Parker was the kind of person who would fall on his feet no matter what he did. But Grayson wasn’t like his brothers. When he focused his attention on something, he was all in, leaving no room for anything else. I wondered if he’d act the same way if he ever fell in love with a girl, but I quickly shoved that thought aside.
“What if you got injured again?”
He was rubbing his bad knee, but moved his hand away as soon as I mentioned it. “Let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.”
“Yeah,” I murmured. His dad hadn’t been so lucky, and I knew just how easily the same thing could happen to Gray. I could hardly blame him for not having a Plan B for life though. I didn’t even have a Plan A.
“How about you?” Gray asked. “What would you do if you couldn’t cook?”
I burst out laughing, and he flashed me a smile.
“I don’t know. The world just wouldn’t be the same without my killer muffins, would it?” I said as seriously as I could manage. I sighed and rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling. “I wish I loved something as much as you love hockey.”
I heard movement and noticed the warmth of Gray’s body as he came to lie on the floor beside me. This wasn’t going to help with the whole ignoring the smell of him thing.
“You’ll find your passion,” he said quietly. “And while you may not play hockey, no one cusses out the opposition like you. I think you might love the game just as much as I do. ”
“Well, I learned all my best insults from your mom.”
Gray chuckled under his breath. The sound was so soothing, I wished he’d laugh more often. It was going to be hard to return home after spending all this time together. Was it bad that I hoped my mom got so caught up with work she had to extend her trip? It wouldn’t be surprising if she did.
“Seriously though. You’re seventeen. It’s okay if you don’t have everything figured out. You’ve got your whole life for that.”
“Tell that to my mom.”
“Parents don’t always know everything,” he said. “Besides, I’m sure you’re destined for something amazing.”
“I’m not so sure,” I murmured.
“I am. The care and effort you put into completing everything on your bucket list shows the kind of dedication and passion you’re capable of. You don’t half-ass anything in life. Once you find your thing, you’ll be unstoppable.”
I rolled onto my side and peered up at him. “Do you really think that?”
“I don’t think, I know.”
He was lying so close to me and looking at me with certainty and admiration, like I was already an unstoppable force. I swallowed a heavy lump in my throat, wishing I could believe in myself as much as he believed in me, and wondering how I could be so lucky to have someone like Grayson in my life. I honestly wasn’t sure I deserved him.
“I should probably get to bed,” I said, pushing up off the floor .
He sat up. “Already? It’s not even nine.”
“It’s been a long day.” I wasn’t tired. Not in the least. But I wasn’t sure I could stay here while Gray kept looking at me like I was something special. Not if I didn’t want to get any more confused about the way I was feeling right now. My head was a little dizzy under his gaze, and my heart was beating faster and faster. I was tempted to lean closer, so I was surrounded in his fresh scent. I wondered if he tasted as good as he—
Yep, I needed to go to bed asap.
“Good night, Grayson.”
“Night, Pidge.”
I ducked out of the room without another glance his way. Even though Bonnie had warned me about the dangers of all this practicing with Grayson, these new and concerning feelings for him had struck me out of nowhere. I cared about him the same way I always had, but my body seemed to have gotten different ideas. All evening it had been urging me closer to him and came alight whenever he was near. Surely it was all the talk about kissing and flirting that was doing it. It had to be. It was messing with me in ways I never expected, and it had to stop.
When I reached Cammie’s room, she was already in bed asleep for the night. I didn’t really blame her for passing out so early. She’d gotten up at five this morning and went straight to the rink before school started. She had training after school too, and I had no idea how she managed to function with such a busy schedule.
I snuck into the room and quietly changed into my pajamas before I curled up on the mattress on the floor. I tossed and turned as I tried to fall asleep and did my best to ignore the rain softly pattering against the roof. The sound of rain was soothing to many people, but I wasn’t one of them. Rain promised a storm. Tonight though I couldn’t only blame the weather for the anxious feeling building inside me. Thoughts of Grayson kept intruding, and I felt too hot and jittery and uncomfortable in my own skin. Perhaps I really was coming down with a fever. That would be a less worrying explanation for the heat and agitation I was experiencing .
I must have finally drifted off to sleep, because I woke with a start as thunder clapped overhead. The whole house seemed to shake and I withheld a whimper. Taking a deep breath in, I tried telling myself it was just weather passing by. And I was safe inside the house. But the thunder came again, sharp and violent, like it was cracking open the sky above.
A branch scratched against the window, and vivid memories of the night a tree had come crashing down into my room overwhelmed me. I jumped up and was out the door and down the hallway before my legs could stop me.
I barreled into Grayson’s darkened room but hesitated when I saw him deeply asleep in his bed. What was I doing? It was just a storm. I shouldn’t be so scared. But the metal roof on Gray’s house seemed to magnify the sound. Another deep rumble rolled down from the sky, shaking the walls, and the window brightened with a blinding flash.
I yelped and dived under Grayson’s covers, burying my head in his chest.
“Paige?” Grayson’s sleepy, raspy voice vibrated through me. “What are you—”
Another thunderclap answered his question, and he wrapped his arm around me, holding me close. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
I responded with a small nod, hating how pathetic I was. If I’d been at home, I never would have scurried to my parents’ room like this. Probably because the thought of waking up my mom was scarier than any storm. But Gray always called me when there was thunder, and he talked to me until the storm was over. It wasn’t a perfect fix, but it kept me from totally falling apart.
I drew in a deep breath as Grayson’s strong arms gripped me tightly, warming and calming me. I kept my head pressed against him as the windows continued to rattle and the wind wailed outside. It sounded as though the whole world was ending. I was so busy fretting, it took me a moment to realize Grayson was talking. He seemed to be rattling off random facts about storms.
“... and they occur when hot air rises to a much colder part of the atmosphere. When the air cools, clouds and rain are formed. Lightning develops within the clouds and as the lightning heats the air, it causes it to expand. It’s this process that causes the sound of thunder.”
It was silly, but hearing him reduce the storm to a list of mundane scientific facts somehow helped soothe me. I managed to smile up at him. “Did you get all that from my cue cards?”
“Yeah, I have them memorized. We studied hard for that test, remember? ”
“Sounds like I should have just gotten you to take it for me.”
Despite the darkness in the room, I could see Gray’s expression was still serious. “I don’t want you to be afraid.”
“I’m never afraid when I’m with you.”
Another rumble echoed through the air, making me wince. It sounded farther away than before, but I still couldn’t relax, knowing it wasn’t completely gone. “Can you keep talking about storms?” I whispered.
“Well,” Grayson replied, as though he was settling down to tell a long story. “When the lightning passes through the air, the temperature can be up to five times hotter than the surface of the sun...” He continued talking, and the sound of his voice eased the tension in my chest, keeping me distracted as the rumbles and thunderclaps grew more distant, leaving only the battering sound of the wind and lashing of rain. Until the raindrops turned to patters and I finally fell back to sleep.
When I woke, I was burning hot. Not because I’d just had a nightmare. And not because I was coming down with a fever like I’d worried. No, it was because sleeping with Grayson was like igniting a roaring fire beneath the bed covers. Wait... Sleeping with Grayson? My eyes burst open. I was still lying next to him, my head gently resting against his chest and his hand placed on mine. I bolted upright, the shock almost sending me sprawling out of the bed and onto the floor.
I turned to Grayson, afraid I’d woken him up, and as my gaze fell on him, all breath was stolen from my lungs. In the early morning light, he looked so beautiful and peaceful. Like a fallen angel I was lucky enough to have caught in slumber. The hard line that so frequently creased his brow had smoothed, and his lips were curved just enough to suggest a smile. I had to clench my fist to stop myself from reaching out to touch them.
The temptation took me by surprise. And the longer I stared at him, the more I became aware of how hard my heart was beating in nervous anticipation. I could still feel the warmth of his arms after they’d held me close all night, and I desperately wanted to slide back into his embrace again. I wrapped my own arms around myself, trying to banish the sensation. Trying to ignore the direction of my thoughts.
Gray was my friend. Just my friend. So why was I starting to feel like he was more than that?
My pounding heart was becoming an ache in my chest that was both beautiful and tragic. As much as Grayson was mine, he also wasn’t. And I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything more, not even for a moment, because although these feelings were new, they had hit me with the strength of a sledgehammer, and I knew they had the power to destroy our friendship.
He let out a soft groan and reached across the bed in his sleep. I scrambled backward to avoid his touch, and this time, I fell right off the bed, landing with a thump on the floor. I let out a yelp and quickly clambered up to check that I hadn’t disturbed him. When I was sure he was still asleep, I fled the room. I couldn’t get out fast enough. Couldn’t escape these feelings too quickly. I wanted Grayson in ways I most definitely shouldn’t .
I rushed into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, hoping to jolt a little sense into myself. As I looked up into the mirror, I was surprised by the girl who stared back at me. My eyes were wide, my skin pale, and cheeks flushed. I looked like I’d just seen a ghost. A really hot, sweet, kind, totally gorgeous ghost.
“Okay, maybe it’s not just in my head,” I muttered. But that didn’t mean this wouldn’t turn out to be a silly little crush. Every teenager had them, right? It was only natural my stupid body would go and get inappropriate ideas about its best friend after I’d just spent the night in his arms. And Grayson really was gorgeous and sweet and kind. It was a miracle I hadn’t felt this way before.
Perhaps I just needed a little time to adjust to this new reality where I couldn’t stop staring at my best friend’s lips. There was certainly no way I could act on that urge. Grayson was the best thing in my life. I didn’t want to do anything that might mess up our friendship.
I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled.
“It’s going to be okay,” I told myself. I just needed to treat these pesky feelings like last night’s storm. Yes, they’d appeared out of nowhere and were a little terrifying, but they’d be gone soon, the sun would come out again, and everything would return to normal.
The only problem was, that felt like the opposite of what I wanted.